I...
I had something amazing
I had a guy
Who was so in love with me
And I ******* it up
I messed it up
He opened doors
He didn't give up in arguments
I pushed him to the edge
He loved me
I ******* up
And so did he
I miss him
So much
Oh God
He was the cliche love story
He was everything
And now he's changed
What happened to him

I don't want my life to be defined by men
I remember that...
That was when I was with (insert ex's name)
Why must my memories be defined by them
Why must it hurt to remember good things
Why do they ruin everything
And they don't care
They don't give a ****
That you can't think about some things
Because they're there
And the thought of him breaks you
And it isn't fair
My life is more than
Sections I can't speak about
Memories barred by thoughts of him
It's like there's a chunk missing from my life
2 years
Because I don't want to the face the memories of them
This isn't fair
It's such a sham

It's still now
The show is over
And I stand alone
Quiet
In this garden
So many memories lie here
My heart craves you
When I look at the stars
That was what we did
Gaze up with hopes and dreams
You intrigued me
With your life stories
We used to stand together
But now I am alone
And it is quiet
Ever so quiet
And the blood moon stares at me
Questioning my sanity
As I cry before its Magnificence
I cry about something so vile and insignificant
For there is far better coming
So much healing
You are mending yourself dear
You are finding what makes you happy
This is a healthy alone my love
Remember the blood
The blood moon is here
And you are not alone

Blood moon
Your beauty reigns tonight
It's silent
Quiet
And Mars sits beside you
Watching in awe at this sight
Magnificence before my eyes
Oh God
You created such beauty
Why
For us who sin
Ever so casually
Without a care
You gave so much
Blood moon
Like the blood shed for us
How can we see such Magnificence and not believe in your love
Or the power of your blood
Blood moon
It's pitch black around me
But I know your love
And red blood
Surrounds and covers my heart

Why did you do it
You ruined me today
You've blocked me completely
Except Instagram
And today you double tapped
On a picture of me
Which I knew you'd like
Because I have a high Pony tail
And gym clothes
A total turn on for you
And I can't seem to breathe
Just a "like" on social media
And now I'm a wreck
How do you have this effect on me
I hope you dream of me tonight
I hope you can't stop thinking about me
I hope
You come back

I wonder what you do with your evenings now
You must feel so free
You don't have me to pester you
You can game
Without me moaning
Or are you lonely
Do you miss me
Do you ever think of me
Do you ever want me back
Do you ever think about the way I could turn you on
With just a kiss
Do you ever think of the way I touched you
Do you ever think about the way you touched me
Do you think of the way my eyes lit up when I saw you
Do you ever miss me
Or do you fill the void with...
Your old friend
**** yes?
I asked you to stop watching
And you did
And you deleted those photos
Because it made me uncomfortable
I guess all is back to what it was
You find comfort in that now
Guess you don't need me anymore
You can mend your loneliness
With physical delight
I, on the other hand,
Am struggling
Without you

I hate my dreams
You're everywhere
There's hope in my dreams
In my dream, you were hostile at first
But then you picked me up
And I cried
And you told me you still love me
And then I woke up
And life came crashing down
It was just a dream baby girl
Stop hoping

Note to self:
Boys don't like it when you tell them
They're the reason for your happiness
This can be turned against you
And you'll be told there's something wrong with your head
As they cannot handle the responsibility of being the reason for your joy
So do not call them your "happy place"
Because he should never be the reason you are happy
Because he knows he's going to leave in 3 months
Don't count on him
He will break you

Why are all
My friends
Suicidal
I love them so **** much
I wish they could see what I see
I love you
Please don't go

I am a writer
I am happy
I like to go out
I like curling my hair
I adore red lipstick and red scarves
I'm confused about my future
But that's okay, everyone is
I don't always like myself
I am shy
I stumble on my words when I'm nervous
Which is most of the time
I'm trying to gym
I'm trying to mend myself
I wish my writing was better
I enjoy singing
My singing teacher irritates me because she focuses on method
And less on emotion
Yet when I perform
They tell me I take them away to another place, another world
I like singing for people
I get emotional
Very easily
I'm studying a degree in mathematics
And physics
Yet my favourite part of it is Psychology
Which is an elective
And I can't major in it
Honestly I love it
But I don't have the patience and the heart for it in real life
I like music
It makes me content
I love sad songs
I love emotion
People make me nervous
I'm bad at relationships
According to my past two
Apparently I rely on them for my happiness
Maybe they are right
Maybe I need to find me
I like pilates
I like going out
I love dancing
But I've been told my ex I have two left feet
And now I need a drink to have the confidence to dance
Or else I stand like a wallflower
I enjoy drinking
Because it makes me confident
And I lose myself
And I laugh really loudly
I have terrible alcohol tolerance
One glass of wine and I'm out
Oh and tequila...
My weakness
I'm trying to heal myself currently
I've cut social media
I've stopped looking at the lives of those who have hurt me
Ignorance is bliss
I'm trying to find balance
I just want to heal
And be me again
I don't quite know what this is
If it's a poem
Or a list of truth
Of who I am
The things I don't ever tell anyone
This is who I am
And I've given it to you
Do with it what you wish

You were a mistake
I hope you know that
I regret you
It was a facade
The "healing"
You're his **** best friend
I should have trusted my gut
The day you went out with him
And it broke me
I decided to end my friendship with you
I knew it wasn't healthy to have you
In my life
Everything about you reminded me of him
I don't want anything to do with you ever again
You are unhealthy
And my life is so much better without you
My heart doesn't ache for you
Or him
You see, every time I kissed you I thought of him
Everything you said reminded me of him
He was the center of our conversation
It wasn't healthy
Never
So this is my goodbye
Goodbye Greene

I'm thankful for all those who have touched my life
Those who have loved me
Those who have left me
And those who have broken me
Because at some point, I loved you
And you made my life better
Damian, you made me realize I love red
And you made writing integral in my life
You reminded me I could make a difference
You... You made me laugh for a while and you made me happy
We had good memories
I'm thankful for you
I don't want to hate you
I want to see the good in you

I'm so afraid of being alone

I'm so drunk right now
You were the only thing that
Used to sober me up
Haha I remember our drunken first kiss
F###
I hate you
I want to text you
Say that I f###ing miss you
Oh God
Sober me up
Before I do something stupid
Or let me fall away to sleep
Drunken headache
Oh give me strength

You're not an orphan
Both your parents are alive
Yet you act like a victim
And crave sympathy

I remember that night
The night I told you not to kiss my lips
Oh but you found a loophole
You told me your life story
And I felt sorry for you
So much sympathy
You teared up
And then you kissed...
My body...
Every inch of it
But not my lips
Oh no
You kept that promise

And I fell under your spell
The begging in your eyes
For sympathy

The fact that you've tried to **** yourself twice
The fact you come from a broken home
Yet so many people have been good to you
So many have loved you
Yet you are fed from sympathy
You love it
You love to be the victim

A few months down the line
I've loved and loved
And given my all

And I didn't allow you to act as a victim anymore
You can't get away with everything because of your past
That doesn't give you the right to be a miserable human to me
And then the threats came
"You make me want to commit suicide"
After all the love I gave

Victim
That's all you want to be
And that's all you will ever be

I wish you didn't kiss me
I wish we never met

Because I loved you

Why does the cheater
Get a happy ending?
Life isn't fair

You ended it
The week I said no
The week I said
I wanted to slow down
The week I said
I wanted to get closer to God again
The week I said
I wanted God to become the centre of our relationship
The week I said
No
The week I said no more touching
The week I said no more
The week I said
No to ***

And I am very insecure
Is that all I was?
Was I just an object of lust and desire?

My heart aches
I feel used
And I hate you more each day

Tonight
My mind has drifted
To the way you used to touch me
The way you rushed it
To where your hands wandered
And you whispered
Ever so softly
"God knows my intentions are pure"
How you fooled the girl in me who
Begged to be pure again
And fell for just the word uttered
"Pure"
How are any of the things you did to me pure?
I plead
How was I such a fool
I feel so guilty
Opening myself to you
Laying down
Allowing your mouth to touch every part of me
Such a rush
A big fat rush
I was in such a haze
I let you do whatever you pleased
I wanted you to
Because everyone else had done it
I craved it
It was so intimate
And I gave it to you
A gift truly
No man had been there before
Not even him
But I let you there
Because I went with the flow
Honestly I wasn't thinking
I never think
I was in such a daze
I hate myself for giving that to you
I hate you
And now you're gone
And I screamed at you on the phone
"I gave everything of myself to you physically. Can't you say something?"
And all you said was
"Frankly, I don't care, dear."
God and I broke
God, I guess you knew his intentions were never pure
And maybe this is punishment for my own sin
O God, give me peace
Cleanse me and make me whole again
Take away these thoughts
Please God
Make me pure again
Please
Release me from this *******
I beg you God
Please

I used to be a writer
I used to write about things that mattered
I used to write about my country
I used to write about the cry of its heart
I used to write about abuse
I used to write about those who suffer loss and pain
I used to write
I used to write about more than broken men who broke me
I used to write about life
I used to be happy
Before men came and defiled my pure heart
I used to mean something
I used to be a writer

I hate you
You coward

I saw him today
He ignored me
He resents me
He's a coward

Dear You

You were my best friend. I trusted you and I loved you. You nestled your way into my life so easily. We clicked. We laughed.

And then it changed.

You developed feelings. I remained the same. I told you to bury them and I wish you kept them buried. I wish you never fell in love with me. It scared me. I was so vulnerable. I was never ready for love.

You were my best friend and what hurts more right now is that I've lost my best friend. I've lost your trust. I've lost you.

I wish we had stayed best friends and I wish you were satisfied with that. I wish we never went on that holiday. I wish I never got drunk and kissed you. I wish that we could just be best friends. I wish. I wish.

But all that is broken now, isn't it?
And wishes don't come true.

I hope someday you can look me in the eyes and see what you've done to me. I hope you heal. I hope I do too for real this time...
I hope one day we could be friends. I don't know.

I loved you, but we both know it was the wrong time for both of us. It was wrong timing. I believe you should've waited for me to heal properly. I don't know.

But you resent me now and our memories mean nothing to you now. Those memories meant the world to me. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts.

Anyway, I hope you heal.

Love
Elizabeth

I'm so sick
Of saviors
Because saviors get tired
They get tired of making you smile
They get tired of listening to you cry
They get tired of you
And eventually scream
"You're too much"
I'm sick of men preying on vulnerability
Becoming a woman's center
Making him her happy place
Confusing her heart
Because baby,
Saviors get tired
And they stop caring
They stop calling when you need them
And they give up
And let go
And leave you broken again
Because
Saviors aren't saviors at all
They fake a healing ceremony
And then they leave
And you're worse off than the start
Saviors are fake *******
Cowardly men
Who have no control over their hormones

I'm so sick of saviors
Just leave me be

Who knew
She'd be so influential
That she'd trap you
That she'd make me evil
In your eyes
She's probably made you delete my pictures
Throw away my gifts
And she's probably
Gripped her claws
Into every fond memory of me

I feel sad today
Morbid
Do I have anything to offer
I think of everything you said about me
How you broke my trust
I hate me
So much

I need to heal
For real this time
Not with a smart mouth
And a friendship
With flirtatious banter
No that never helped me
How do you heal
When his best friend is desperately in love with you
And acts as your best friend
And leaves you a few months later
Because he rushed into this
And he realizes now you were never ready
But you told him that
You told him that the twenty times he begged you to be his girlfriend
Does no one understand
I was so tired
So tired of the begging
It became so much
I caved
And then it all happened so fast
It's all a blur really
My heart was never in it
He was my best friend
*** felt weird
Everything felt wrong
I guess the hormones were there
But it felt wrong
I'm so insecure
I was never ready
And now he's gone
Because of my insecurities
He promised he'd never leave
He was so in love with me
How does that just change
How
So quickly
Now I'm broken
Broken by my savior
Broken by everything
How do I heal now
How
Someone tell me please
I need answers
That's all
Please
How do I heal?
How do I be my own hero?

He hated that I
Still wore your belt
That I compared him to you
That I begged him not to break me the way you did
The amount of times I'd mention you
The way I thought of you the first time we kissed
The way I didn't delete your photos
The way I hold onto the dead roses
The way I still have your promise ring
The way I'd beg him not to leave the way you did
The way I spoke about you too much
The way you're his best friend
The way I didn't let him end his friendship with you for me
The way I pestered him to see you
The way I was never truly over you
Until now

How do I write this down?
How do I even come to terms with this?
My best friend wants to die
She's so tired
So tired
God I don't know what to do
What do you do when someone cries and screams every morning
"I want to die. I can't do this anymore?"
She feels like this is all her fault
But it's not
She feels so guilty
Feels her life isn't worth living

What do I do
How do I do this
How do I make this better

How are you supposed to deal
When your best friend
Begs you
Not to love her anymore
Because

How do you deal
When someone says
I don't know if I'll still be here

I don't know how to cope
Someone help me please
I'm struggling
And I know she is too
I don't know what to do

Dementia
Stop romanticising It
It isn't sweet and lovely
Like the notebook describes
It's real
And it smells like
Dull paint drying on the wall
Especially when he's alone
And there's no one to hold him
It's loneliness
Confusion
And sickness
Encompassed into one
Sick Dab of paint

He told me
I make him
Want to commit suicide

I hate myself
I hate me so much

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

All I do is cause havoc
That's all I am
I'm nothing

Everyone keeps telling me there's something wrong with me
Do you think they're right?

Is there
Something wrong with me?
Why is it so easy
To fall out of love
With me?

"I promise I'll never hurt you the way he did."

Oh baby, you kept that promise

You hurt me so much worse

You coward
You pathetic
Drunken
Coward
I hate you
You promised to love me
I gave you my all
I gave you my body
My heart
Everything I am
And now you run away
You *******
You coward
You disgust me
With the persona you put up for me
I hate you

Why do
I
Always
Get
Abused
What is wrong with me

I miss
             my ex
At least

the abuse
             was
        less

He's so afraid
So afraid of me running back to you
If he only he knew
I've been in a rainstorm
I've been soaked by the pouring

You're my bridge
I like to be dry
I like to be safe
There's no way I'd go back
Into the rain
After finding
My home

Mad mad mad

She's mad in her head
Crazed in her mind
Oh brilliant starlight
How you glisten

Like her Cheshire Cat smile

Oh she's mad dear
She's mad


She's living in a madhouse
Wind her up
And you'll have a ******
on your hands

Mad girl
Run run run

Nostalgic for the past

Madhouse madhouse
Run run run*

She's a loon
She's mad
Balistic

She's an enigma just for you
Living in this madhouse

Who knew a person
who promised
to love you...
Who promised
not be like him...

Could become
your worst nightmare

I don't think you understand
The extent to which you've damaged me
How insecure you've made me
This monster you've created
So afraid

You created this beast in me
And you left

Please don't be with her
Please  
I miss you

I'm so sick of drama
Maybe we should end this

Do you recall
That brilliant mind you had
That could conjure up
The greatest possibilities
The most inquisitive dreams
Delectable desires
Star struck
Streaming slowly
Stirring your mind
Whizzing by and waking up
To insanity
To havoc
To fame and fortune ruined by greed
Wonderful stories
Awe inspiring tales
Oh that brilliant mind
What happened to eloquent words
And still silence of the mind
Wide eyes
Whisk me away again

This isn't just a poem
It isn't art
It's a cry

"There's something wrong with you"
That's all I hear
Ringing through my ears

"There's something wrong with you
You need help"

God

Damian
You were slow with me
I liked that
Thank you

Why don't
You have
a body
Like hers

God, what's wrong with me