Dear You

I haven't thought about you for a while
I've been caught up in cancer
But there are times you wander my mind
When I hear phrases like
"he was the one"
"he made me laugh and he was so in love with me"
There is an incredible anger inside of me when I see your photos
And then there's a sadness when I see how my eyes used to shine with you
I was so happy with you
Inexplicably happy
I want that again
I miss you sometimes
But then I remember the pain you caused me
I remember the lies
I remember you blackening my name
I remember you being a prolonged rebound that got too serious too fast
I remember giving myself to you
And I regret it
I regret you

I am so alone
Have I told you that
I am desperately craving someone to hold me again
Someone to desire every part of me
It's a vile and animalistic need
But it's real
And can't be tamed

I never thought
I'd appreciate home so much...
The last time I was home
I was packing up for res
and had long hair
and life was normal.

The saddest,
most dramatic thing that happened
thus far was a stupid heartbreak
and I thought the was
the end of the world.

Then I got back to res
and I felt strange

My diagnosis happenened
and life changed completely
after a man
uttered three words into my life
that changed my life
into a series of
hurdles and challenges
and life completely changed
Nothing was normal anymore
Life's focus completely changes
and home is
a far, distant concept
unknown to you.

Home became a bubble
Home becomes a hospital room

I never knew
I missed my own bedroom so much
God, you never appreciate something until it's gone
do you?
You don't appreciate anything
until you hear
"you have cancer"
and your greatest fears come to life

You see your parents beg to God you'll live
You don't want to see them
because you don't want
reality to hit you

Then, you get home
and you have to
come out of this daze
This is real
This is happening

Cancer is so real
and in your face
You can't avoid it anymore
This happened
and you can't stay
in this little positive bubble
for too much longer

The bubble has burst
and reality has hit you
right in the face.

This happened.
But, you're surviving.

I read the poems that
Used to make me ache for you
They comforted me in a time of need
They were part of my healing

I read them again
And I no longer ache as read the words adorning the page
Words of pain and betrayal
And suffering
And I feel nothing

I think I have healed
I hope so

Bravery and courage
Lingers
In her gaze

She is stronger
Than mountains to face
Than any tragedy that hits
Her heart is faint,
But she will survive this storm

You realize it when you
See her
Fiery eyes.

Appreciate your days
Appreciate morning filled with irritation.
Appreciate sunlight.
Appreciate fresh hair.
Appreciate every **** day
like it's a gift - because
that's what it is.

Life's unpredictable
And every day you get on this earth is
A Gift.

Sometimes this journey feels so surreal
How did this even happen
Life was so normal
So plain and so ordinary
I took so much for granted
The sunlight as it stretches slowly into the room
Sunlight and basking in its presence
The wind touching one's face slightly
Caressingly
Family and how laughter can cure the deepest pains
Friendship with hearts filled with so much love and content
So much support

It's funny how we don't appreciate people
Until a tragedy
Something big
People are good
We make out as If we are the biggest fiends
As if we have darkened the world
With our pessimistic hearts
And our realization of being too naiive
You can't be naive and appreciate life for what it is in this day and age
A part of you needs to be skeptical
One feels a need to criticize "the man"
The one in charge of this mess

Nevertheless
Life is strange
However, I honour the strangeness of life
And I respect it
Without it, life would be boring
And tragedies
And crazy circumstances
We need those
To realize
We aren't just some deep messy abyss of darkness and suffering
There is a light pulling through
Open up your curtains
And see your pain trailing out
As you bask
In the Glory
Of the Majesty's mighty sunlight
As your blinded eyes
Will see again