sometimes i wonder if god keeps a record of all the times i have been left and all the times i have been unable to leave. i wonder if he thinks to himself "will she ever  learn?" as if he feels my heartache too. i picture god himself sitting at a desk with a mountian of crumpled papers at his feet with bags and dark circles under his eyes hunched over a typewriter with a furrowed brow beginning me again and again, but somehow he always ends up at the same part in the story where i am all ****** palms and and propped up on bruised knees spitting up blood and teeth at his feet screaming "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!" But he doesn't answer.

You deserve someone who will hold your hand in public instead of one who keeps you hidden behind closed doors.

Sitting in the passenger seat of your car at 3 AM with your hand resting on my knee had always felt more like home than any other place ever did.
Summer brought you to me and it when it ended it dragged you right along with it, and just as easily and quickly that you came, you left.
Remember the day before you left for college? We were sitting in that cafe drinking milkshakes and you made me pinky promise that i wouldn't let the distance bring us apart and you told me we were stronger than any amount of miles, but 100 miles is pretty far and it didn't take long to drive us apart.
Its been 2 years and whenever i think about you i swear my hands can still feel the clamminess of your palms the first time we held hands.
Its been months since we've talked and your new life has changed you completely. Occasionally your false drunken declarations of love ring out in the back of my mind. My intentions with you were pure gold and yours happened to only lay between my thighs.

I want to shatter the lies that time and circumstances have you convinced that you will never know wholeness or happiness

people always comment on how tired i look all the time, and i suppose that when you haven't slept in 3 days it starts to show.
I remember how i used to sleep as a way of trying to avoid dealing with the things that were tugging at my heart strings but now it is 4:52 in the morning and im staring at them face to face.
I used to be so emotionally strong and i try to trace back to the moment i lost all my courage. Not having any fear of speaking out to a person when they wronged me. And now i so patheticfully brush off every blow and pick myself up and hand myself over completely to people that dont even have the decency to show any sign of remorse for a thing they have put me through. I so easily hold onto the words i want to say and fill their place with phrases like "its okay" and "you dont need to be sorry".