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May 2021 · 114
Time heals all wounds
Eleanor May 2021
He's made this easier on me
He's not who I thought he was
I can't mourn him
He's not the man I knew
He's not the man I loved
He's not the man who touched my heart
I love who I believed him to be
I will love the love he gave to me

I need to start believing people when they show me who they are

I have learned so much

But I can't stand to not be believed when I tell the truth
I can't stand to be disrespected because someone is hurt

I can't stop time
I can't stop behavior
or actions

But I can take myself out of the equation

I will find peace and I will heal.
What an unbelievable night
May 2021 · 63
My Love.
Eleanor May 2021
I wrote nothing immediately after our break up.

He texted me ten hours later.
He messaged me in the morning and he said he needs to talk again.
He's said so much to me

My bed is empty without him
At one time he said we should live together

He cried in front of me yesterday

He said who knows, maybe we would have ended up together forever

He wiped the tears from his eyes.
I wanted to kiss his tears from his cheeks.

I want him so badly to be happy and content.
Even if that means he's not with me.

He said he hasn't cried like this in three years.

He said we jumped into things.
But the feelings have always been there.

They are still there.
So we will talk tomorrow,
he doesn't want "to do anything without" me

He says he loves me
Asked me to marry him today
I laughed
He said "and you think I'm joking"

I have to take it as a joke
for I will break if I do not.
May 2021 · 68
I love you
Eleanor May 2021
I want to watch you brush your teeth in the bathroom mirror every night.
May 2021 · 61
My Body
Eleanor May 2021
I am a fun house
I am an obstacle course
I am a trophy with legs
I am a figure of lust
I am a house of embarrassment
I am tormented inside

Why do I live
Why don't I hide
May 2021 · 55
"She said you-"
Eleanor May 2021
He told me it's getting hard to deal with

I am the one who has not stopped crying

You don't know what hard to deal with even means
May 2021 · 71
Self Decay
Eleanor May 2021
He grabs my waist and pulls me in
He tells me words like
“You’re so thin”
He touches underneath my shirt
He calls me sweet things
And whispers ***** words
He kisses my forehead and my neck
He praises me, says I’m the best

And so I smile
And I wait awhile

Praying for the return

of a girl stronger than me
Does this body belong to the girl I thought it did? I’ve lost my sense of self.
May 2021 · 62
It’s within me
Eleanor May 2021
I can’t bring myself to listen to the songs I once loved before
Like I can’t bring myself to reopen every wound I thought was closed
Like I can’t stare at the same art without picking each detail apart
There is love here I am afraid to lose
And I don’t know where to start

How does one mend an ever-breaking broken heart
May 2021 · 77
Untitled
Eleanor May 2021
I like to give my love to you
Because you deserve it like no one else does

You walk this earth uniquely
You encounter my expectations ever so sweetly

I want to know you need me
That these feelings are not fleeting


Months ago he asked
if I think we'll be together forever

I stumbled
I am still puzzled

Who asks someone that?
Sometimes it's important to remember that the only two people in this relationship are him and I.
May 2021 · 90
Right Sided Thinking
Eleanor May 2021
My struggles now are solvable

Equations which are true

Equatable, and logical, there is all but an artful clue
A theory
May 2021 · 45
A poem of love to myself
Eleanor May 2021
I hope acceptance comes with age

I hope tranquility joins too

I hope my mind is full of things that are easy, and beautiful, and true

I hope that sunny days make me smile

And I hope I grow old for quite awhile

I hope that I am joyous and I hope that I am healthy

I hope that I have learned to love

Love Me.
Love Me.
Love Me.
May 2021 · 55
Walk back
Eleanor May 2021
He tells me I can break his heart

And he tells me

He doesn't feel anything

He sings that his heart is empty

He sings of love for his past



I am living in fear

I am living

but I am trapped


Please

Whatever you do

Don't walk back
Stay moving forward with me
May 2021 · 49
Can I save myself
Eleanor May 2021
And in every scene we act out

I am always playing the woman stuck between

loving you forever

and leaving you

before I am profoundly destroyed

I am stuck playing the woman I am

and the woman I want to be

I am caught between

accepting the love I know is there

and feeling like I don't deserve it

I am trapped between trying

and giving up
I fear I am 19 and already a failure
May 2021 · 553
Safety
Eleanor May 2021
Men all the time look at me with prying eyes

They look at me with lust

over and over

Drunk on a desire to satisfy themselves



How special it is to love a man

and know he loves all of you back

Entirely as much as you allow
There was something bothering him all day
What it was, I don't know
But he held me through it, as I held him
He gave me kisses
And I gave them right back
Apr 2021 · 45
Effort, please
Eleanor Apr 2021
Let's try something new

You tell me pretty things

You wish me good morning and a happy afternoon

Let's try something new

Where I feel valued

And not just used
Apr 2021 · 36
Telling Tears
Eleanor Apr 2021
Recently I started letting the tears fall

Standing in my closet
I cry

Sitting in my car
I cry

Writing by the river
I cry

Driving home
I cry

Sitting on the sofa
I cry

I don't know why

I think my body is trying to let go
My eyes are a spring thunderstorm

That won't stop pouring
Eleanor Apr 2021
I am the shell of myself
My young body aches
And my soul falls out through my mouth
My eyes are never dry
And only moments away from bitter tears

Why do years mark us so much
And why do I hold on?
When I know it must feel better to fall
And rebuild myself

Into someone strong
Apr 2021 · 340
The time comes
Eleanor Apr 2021
I used pain to create

But why now

Do I house pain

And offer it a bed
Apr 2021 · 239
Songs
Eleanor Apr 2021
I hate to think

that all your words

don't lead back to me,

but instead,

lead back to her
Apr 2021 · 179
Expectations do call!
Eleanor Apr 2021
What can one expect from age?

What can one expect of age?

What in this world can one expect at all?
We think we can expect aging, but where is the need to worry about the tyrant, Death, when tomorrow is just as uncertain as next week, and the day fifty years from now?
Apr 2021 · 62
Nineteen
Eleanor Apr 2021
"The possibilities are infinite"

But my motivation hides under the blankets,

Like my ticket to ride is just around the corner,

But even the corner does not come closer,

and I am yet to move.
I thought I would have more figured out. I thought I would already be something. Who am I as a young woman?
Eleanor Apr 2021
One night in the middle of a fight he asked me
"El, do you think we'll be together forever?"
He stopped.

We have never returned to the question.
What are we so scared of?
Apr 2021 · 38
Paisley Pinks
Eleanor Apr 2021
I hadn't been able to eat for days
For a week or two now I've been enveloped in a state of rejection
Rejection and disinterest
I am falling into old habits and as I stand in them now,
I am allowing myself to be swallowed
And I don't know what eats me, I just know it is not me who eats

I am thrown off center, I feel unworthy, as though I train so hard and still take home a second place ribbon every time
He grasps me in his arms and tells me I'm small. He picks me up, carrying me to the bed.
He says he's here for me.
I haven't been able to eat for days.
Apr 2021 · 1.4k
Two
Eleanor Apr 2021
Two
Two blue birds
singing a different song throughout the night,

Two trains
mapping the locations and destinations of the other with whistling chants,

Two cunning spirits
colliding messages over and over,

Him and I are two hearts,
paralyzed in fear of losing

When, all the time, each of us just want to know love and trust

And most fervently: deeply know the other.
He read my anniversary card and smiled. He held the gift- a locket of us with a message saying "I love you, -El" He touched my desperate lips with his, and suddenly, we were the only people in the world. He handed me all the love he had, and I returned it, doubly over.
Apr 2021 · 57
Failing
Eleanor Apr 2021
All the uncried tears
All the tears held in
Have nowhere to go but
In and down
Falling into my stomach
Drowning my organs
Extending my waist
I feel so sick
I can't breathe
I am lost and
I am alone
Apr 2021 · 250
Depth
Eleanor Apr 2021
He loves me so passionately every time,
because he knows if he doesn't,
someone else will.
Eleanor Mar 2021
Because at the end I want to say I've loved all of you. I noticed,
I cared, I was there. I played a part. I respected your divinity, your mortality,

understanding time with your body and soul is not unlimited.

I acted with a pure heart. With a genuine devotion. With eyes which did not flit, and a body which stayed in its place. My mind did not wander, and my heart which in your presence, did always race.
*******, I love you so much. I wouldn't hurt you.
Jan 2021 · 75
Easy?
Eleanor Jan 2021
Does he tell me the words I want to hear
because he's trained his ear to so many women's voices
Does he speak slow and soft for me
because he knows I want to hear him tell me beautiful things
Does he work up the courage to talk to me
Or does he simply do it with the smoothest of ease
Does he love me and want me like he claims to
Or do I just seem the easiest to please
Jan 2021 · 50
Chorus Bird
Eleanor Jan 2021
Tell me
I am a chorus bird who forgot her song
Let my lungs reach a pitch
Not fall to disuse
Is anything wrong
What is so wrong
Can't you write it or tell me
In a language I speak
With a chirp from your beak
Use it for song
Tell me
Tell me
Tell me where I went wrong
Jan 2021 · 52
Discipline
Eleanor Jan 2021
He taunts me with praise
I am disillusioned each night
Terror reigns over me during the day
Doesn't he want me like he did yesterday?
A paralyzing fear of inadequacy
Who is to blame
When nothing has changed
Praise me, Love me, Challenge and **** me
But don't leave me here to question
Where I went wrong
Jan 2021 · 64
Untitled
Eleanor Jan 2021
Enthralled in rapture, he removes the hair out of my sight, holds my face in his palms, tells me to look at him right
"In the eyes," and he says "I love you so much."

Together our bodies,
A magic I didn't know I deserved, falls over the room
I want him everlasting.
Jan 2021 · 62
Adult
Eleanor Jan 2021
A moment plays meek in my mind
Knowing the dark
Feeling the pain from moment to moment
We leave
Our own way
Finding lives
Redesigned dreams
Running away from the inability to cope
Eventually something to face
Which hurts to carry
A silhouette outside,
Eyes peering- feeling through my whole body
Dec 2020 · 30
a small plight
Eleanor Dec 2020
I do not need to be wanted.
I
will birth babies,
make paintings,
I will cook and feed.
I am the sun,
living things flock to my sides.
I am a mother to the young,
I am an admiring sister to the beautiful,
I am a friend and lover of the distraught, of the hurt,
I am a child of education and curiosity,
I bloom
I dream
I ****
I consume
I dress
and I undress
until the days cease
and no breath draws from my lungs.
I am playmates with the moon...and you have permission to reject me,
because I am only in pursuit of the one
which can handle all I handle,
and love all I love.
Dec 2020 · 52
dec.15/2020
Eleanor Dec 2020
I can't face you and tell you I love you, because my thoughts are too big and my mouth is too small. I want to carry every piece of you even if I know in the end, that I will fall.
* I sent him this poem. He said "It doesn't hurt to fall if you have someone to catch you."
Dec 2020 · 31
defeated projection
Eleanor Dec 2020
and on the night I thought I lost him
the heavy air did hang sweet, and tears flowed down my cheeks
maybe there was a resounding birth of things I couldn't have if I was taken
and maybe there was fresh air to be breathed and the sky felt that tomorrow wouldn't loom as heavy
if I didn't know then that I would never be ready to leave
because letting go is never simple
and less than simple, are my feelings
I know now
a love comatose, drunk words spill out of you and I wish they never had. "I love you" sounded so good when it was whispered in my ear...not so much when it is left behind, unspoken of again
I am always straight and so sober are my thoughts
I wish I didn't love you
and I wish I hadn't fought
Why does he never start arguments with me? Why is it always me?


I can't face you and tell you I love you, because my thoughts are too big and my mouth is too small. I want to carry every piece of you even if I know in the end, that I will fall.
Dec 2020 · 52
What is too fast?
Eleanor Dec 2020
It's our two month anniversary today
Do you think its possible to love someone
To know you love them
That quickly
Without a shadow of a doubt?
I really am looking for opinions...everywhere.
Dec 2020 · 31
Choke
Eleanor Dec 2020
sometimes I feel so far away from where I want to be
I feel like tearing out the living breathing moving soul from inside me and throwing it far into the heart of a big city
setting myself on fire
and maybe then I will be big enough and I will feel the warmth of power and potential this world seems to revolve around
be one of the "big guys" just because thats the game
and thats how you play to win
and thats how you die painlessly
leaving only destruction in your path
Dec 2020 · 45
The Prince
Eleanor Dec 2020
Babies cry
And I wish I had a reason to

But all I have is an emptiness
In the place of you

Its stupid and pointless to dwell
On someone who doesn't want me

Yet the kisses and songs
All continue, haunting
Dec 2020 · 32
I don't think he knows
Eleanor Dec 2020
Do you think of me
When your head hits the pillow
And your eyes flutter closed
Do I enter your mind
Or am I someone
You choose
To leave
Behind
Dec 2020 · 27
Ego
Eleanor Dec 2020
Ego
I wake up, look in the mirror, and I realize

I encapsulate a beauty, profound
Knowing my gentle grace is an enviable joy
A rebellion fabricated with beauty
I can bring destruction and I can bring new life with the same kiss
Men flock- women stare, compliment, judge, (the lucky ones experience my versatility)
Caring for...is my whole nature, yet limitless is my craving
Tall, athletically slim, curly blonde hair
I dance circles in your mind, as I spend nights in your arms
I will sing, and dance, and ****, while my old soul cries
And you will wonder why you ever fell in love
With a girl like me
Dec 2020 · 35
"poet"
Eleanor Dec 2020
How do you know if you have "it"
Will my writing improve as I write more
Or is it useless to try and to fail

It's a conundrum
But I don't write for anything except myself

Maybe, I have permission to not care
Eleanor Dec 2020
Staying grateful for the written word,
It hides reality and my blemishes when I wish it to
Poetry does not judge
Fables and tall tales don't require truth or trust

Instead I can reveal as much I want
I can hide as much as I need to

Our relationship is changing, and I'm going to need to show you more of me
You say you want that, but I'm not so certain you do
I'm not so certain I have the bone to reveal what you think you've fallen in love with

Because if once you see the view, and you don't love it as I've hoped, there is nothing left. Nothing at all.
I'd tell you I love you too.
Dec 2020 · 42
Car Sex
Eleanor Dec 2020
The bruise on my knee formed this afternoon
As I slept by the fireplace
I woke and found it there, large and yellowing
Startled, I wondered not why it was there but when it would leave
Why have I attracted so many bruises?
My thighs, knees, shins covered in brown, yellow, green, purple spots, some little and deep, others expansive, without borders
Was the bruise of my flesh worth your pleasure?
Will I ever have a true answer to my questions?
Why don't you miss me like I miss you?
"oh lol" haunts me
Dec 2020 · 39
Pj & -El
Eleanor Dec 2020
Why stay silent
Didn't you like it
Are you once again impartial to me?
Despondency does not look good on you
Your return to the dispassionate turns me away
Is that on purpose
A conclusion I draw, you don't miss me
Until I stand tall from my position in the
Desperate Kingdom of Love
And leave
Not to return
11:11 intensely you
Dec 2020 · 34
A drill, A manifesto
Eleanor Dec 2020
I dream of giving up college and graduate school.
I dream of dropping out.
I dream of writing ferociously.
I dream of typing and scribbling and never ending my sentences
I dream of leaving copies of my speech hidden in different places
I dream of leaving something behind
I dream of living in the woods and letting my brain devour itself

Think of all I would think.
What would you think?
Oct 2020 · 36
I Could
Eleanor Oct 2020
A boy told me recently that if I hadn't gone through all the **** I have, maybe he wouldn't have found me- the girl I am as intriguing. Maybe he wouldn't want to understand me like he does if I hadn't gone through so much ****. Maybe I wouldn't be who I am, was his message, more clearly.
Maybe I wouldn't be who I am...but maybe I would be happy. Maybe being neurotypical and healthy wouldn't make me who I am...but I cannot imagine it could be all that bad.

I have traumas surrounding eating disorders and death.
I have diagnosed anorexia nervosa.
Anxiety.
Depression.
I am a survivor.

Life sometimes haunts me, and I can't allow another person to haunt me too. What makes you think you can handle me?
Because I'm pretty tall, because I'm thinner than the average woman, because I'm tan, because I'm blonde, because I have round hips but a flat stomach, because I'm a ***** bisexual, because I work out, because I have long black eyelashes, because I have straight white teeth?

Or is it because you like how I treat people, you like that I will stand up for others, you like that I sing songs, you like that I love deeply and strongly, you like that I read, that I am smart, that I love to learn, that I am perpetually curious, because I have a passion for working with children and being a nanny, because I paint, because I love music and my family, because I want to travel, because I spend nights crying under moonlight writing, because I am bilingual, because I push myself, because I expect myself to create beautiful art and learn all that I possibly can, because I wear what I want and say what I believe?

What is it?

How can you claim to be falling for me when you can't be sure you know what you're falling for?

How can I be falling for you when I don't know if you have the capacity in your heart for me?

I think I could love you eventually.
Jul 2020 · 50
At What Point
Eleanor Jul 2020
At what point
Do i cease to exist
Is it within my own control
If i take myself away
If i waste until my departure
It is better or worse
Does it matter in the end
Does it really matter at all

Is it true
Are they all lying and lemmings
Is it helpful
It must be
If they exist like that
and I like this

I’ve been let down
I’ve been pushed around
And i've learned to stand taller than before
And i've learned to **** in
To envelope everything inside me
Collect it
Bury and dispose

At what point do I feel a release
Of any kind


ef
Jun 2020 · 39
Between and After
Eleanor Jun 2020
How much can one lose at the attainment of another's hand? What faces do we see? Within the mirror, sincerity. Beyond, a blind mask. Promises of sacred words and worships, falling short is our resort. Speak free, speak wildly, but please obey once more. A gate, a window, a match drawn across the floor. For there is nothing here for you, perhaps there is nothing at all. Think before you act. If you must act, do so swiftly. In all things are innocent fragments. You are a face of this world. Your bed is still warm.

me/Elizabeth Fisher
Jun 2020 · 35
Art Past
Eleanor Jun 2020
Past events which fractured minds have been instructed to follow through upon, the graces and derelicts, seasons past, adventures of then- tell me which person possesses what beauty. The sin or length of faith, the feelings of before or the moment after, what is lust if it is explained? What day do cheekbones rescind their style and collect age? Who is to find something new in a place forgotten? What dance do we use with our movements so quick? There are misplaced footsteps strewn from one destination to the next. Pray we might to find a sweet, mighty place to rest.

Elizabeth Fisher
june 2020
May 2020 · 29
Teachers Pet
Eleanor May 2020
Unbeknownst to me
On top I was deep in another world
Right to the chase
My own bed as it is now
A premonition, I wished it was
Below, muscles and strong hardworking men
Driving him crazy!
A lingering dream which felt so close
I was so close!
Never to stop or surrender
Gave me everything I’ll try to remember
A dream so deep and him just as much
I wonder if I’ll ever find someone
The sexiest crush
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