you've got your life together
your perfection
oozing from every action
you're in bed by 10
having finished all your work
impeccably, of course
and you look like the kind of hallucination
I'd want to have as I was dying

and I can't figure out
why I can't do the same
but more than anything I'm afraid
that it confirms what I always knew
I'm not good at anything
enough
to deserve you

Equations                                                                                     your name
march                                                                                                   scars
down the                                                                             the margins
left-hand side                                                                               until I can't
of the paper                                                                       hand this in
flawlessly                                                                     this is what I  w i s h
this is what I am good at                                       I could be good at (y o u)
I am logical                                                               I am the mess you've
and organized                                                                   made of me

why couldn't we be
a little bit in love tonight?

I'm already there but
could you meet me
halfway?

my fingers
hovered
over the screen
ghosting over the letters
thinking of texting you
like it could somehow
let you know I was thinking of you

and I have fifteen
pictures of you on my phone
and I looked over them all
like seeing your face
in two dimensions
could make up for the fact that
I hadn't seen in it three
for two days

and then you were right behind me
and I don't think you noticed what I was doing
but god, it felt like happenstance
was on my side

because your voice
there's nothing too special about it
objectively
(as if I could ever be
objective
about you)
it's not deep
or husky
or dripping ***
like some people I know
and most of the time it's not quite soft
it's slightly slippery but
with sandpaper edges
but I love it
because it's yours

and  I love the face you make before you sing
off-key, usually
but you don't hold back and
I love you for that too

and you're not particularly tall (you're exactly average, actually)
(but I'm barely on the tall side of average and
she's even taller so
you seem smaller than you are)
or dark
or even handsome, by most standards
but you're like a breath of fresh air every time I see you
(swiftly taken away by your bone-crushing hug)

and I love the face you make
when you're skeptical
even though it looks nothing
like a skeptical expression should

I even don't hate
the things I should hate you for
because you have never
made me feel like I am
difficult to love
(even though
I think I am)

Although I'm a little annoyed with
how you made all my love poems
disturbingly heteronormative
for a while

I loved you
before you told me
explicitly
that you liked
being around me
and I loved you even more after that

good god,
I love you so

and it scares me because I shouldn't
and it scares me because I can't
and it scares me because one or both of us will end up hurt
but I'll take the pain
now and later
I'll always sacrifice
for the happiness of my friends
like I said
and you thought I was being so kind and
noble
but I think it's cowardice
and it has
never
felt like a choice

this is how I get over you

last night
I was done and
you were just a friend again and I
wanted to know your opinion but I
didn't ache when
I knew you were with her
and didn't text back

the night before that
your words left me
an incoherent mess
on the floor
tears leaking from my eyes
but smiling

and tonight I'm thinking about you again

and maybe it'll be like this for a while
maybe there will be nights where
I can smile without any sadness or
want
behind it
and maybe there will still be nights when
my hips still
****
involuntarily at the thought of your name

and maybe I won't be able to say
one day
that was when I got over you
but I may
one day
be able to say I'm over you
and realize
I mean it

this is for all the boys I loved
but was too shy and nervous to say so

this is for all the girls I loved
but was too terrified and confused to do anything about

I don't think anyone's heart was ever broken
over me
because I'm not the kind of girl that leaves broken hearts
in her wake
like a pheromone trail
I've known that girl before
I've loved that girl before

so this is an apology
to the hearts I left behind
still whole
still unbroken
but untouched

to the hearts
that all
broke mine

what if he doesn't dance
or worse
what if he dances just like you
because he reminds me of you
everything reminds me of you