I haven't seen you in a while...
When I do... I should just tell you to leave...
I know where we lead...
Yet we'll just do this time and again....
The good never gets old...
When I'm with you , I can't tell you to go..
This is all that I want...
Just to be with you here in our moments...
it only hurts when you go..
Like that sting of a band aid on my skin. ..
just once and it's done...
To tell you to leave would be more like a slow constant seeping of my heart fading out...
A bottomless ache in my soul. ..

So I'll just do this time and again with you. ..the sting is better than the ache...

E.J.M.

Love isn't strong enough a word to describe how I feel for you..
I love more than you.   I more than love you...
You calm that aching in my soul..
Quiet those demons in my life...
Just your words alone...
And days and years and months with out you.. time doesn't matter anymore with us...
Loving you is so much more than love...

E J.M.

Life is so far from being what I need.
But I won't let it go that way.
Too simple, concise..
And I'm caught up. Alone but caught up..
What is it that you want from me?
Does everybody just want everything?  
To give nothing?
My heart is ragged pieces... I did that ...
I let it get this far...
And everything I love put me there..
And you keep coming back.. that last time..
Is never the last...
And I can't walk away... I was never built like that.
Everything is ****** up... you scare me...
Yet I stay... and I reply when you show up.... why did it all have to go this way?

E.J.M.

I've lost sight of something....
Love is always good...
We decide how we love...
I need to love you differently...
I can love you forever....
I have to change the way that I love you..
Without this change I will fall to pieces....
I'm not a damsel in distress...
I've never needed you to save me...
In fact I've never needed you for anything...
I've wanted you from the start...
I've wanted more and gotten less ,yet still I've stayed...
I'm stronger than that...
I can love you in a different way...
as years pass and our relationship has changed...I've never loved you less...
Apparently I'm not good at that...
However I can love you differently....
Because love is always beautiful...
Love isn't always the same...

E.J.M.

thanks for enlightening me#JeffreyRobin

You and I....
That wordless glance...
The underlying tension. ...
The enchanting softness of your voice...
The way we try...
the butterflies still fly inside me at the sound of your voice. ..
never harsh words...
Always perfectly understood. ..
you know who I am inside...
without saying a word...
you complete the brokenness of me...

For two years I've loved you...
I'll love you always ....
for us....

E.J.M.

Another time... another place...
The you and I of before...
Before I knew what I know now.
You bring me back...
To that place... that girl.. that didn't know what was to come.
You apologize... everything.
Every time...
I can't forgive you.. because I haven't forgotten...
And it takes time...
Months on end.. the waiting
Court...waiting on a sentence to change this...
You changed me..
I'm not the girl I ws before you...
I'm damaged... broken...
Wanting to be alone...
The opposite of what I wanted with you...
Those shattered emotions...
Because of you...
There's no tears.. no regret.. just acknowledgement.
Of the wrongs committed against me while I loved you.

I'm broken and we are waiting.
Everything takes time..
Your words always take me to a sad place...
My voice saves you...
Another time another place... maybe...

E.J.M.

I never loved a man in my 35 years this much..
And I'm terrified...
And it's wrong...
I know this is wrong.... indescribably wrong....
This moral dilemma...
And I can't stop loving you..
I'm scared of loving you this much...
I'm scared to stop...
Not because you'll be gone...
But I fear never finding this again....
My heart hasn't stopped pounding through my chest...
And everything in me tells me to stay...
I'm not a runner ...
In this fear , I'm a fight not a flight girl...
However I know that I should walk away...
Never start a war that you can't afford to lose....
I don't believe I can afford this luxury...
I don't believe I should be kissing you ...
But I can never think with your tounge in my mouth. ..
I can't afford to love like this...
I can't afford to be held like this...
This describeless bliss...
This love that is achingly, morally, life altering wrong..

E.J.M.

I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.

I'm made of concrete....
Firm and unbreakable....
I hold up under pressure....
Take all the weight like concrete should....
Then you touch me and I shatter like the fragilest glass....
One touch of your mouth and I'm a million pieces....
How you can break me so easily...
I'm shimmery glittery shards in your hands
I come running to be with you anywhere. ..
Only to fall to bits of sparkling glass when I'm with you...
Touch me again...
as I shatter and fly apart...
I love it when you leave me breathless and shaking...

E.J.M.

Moments ticking...
Time goes by...
I dream of dawn... orange red glow on the horizon. ..
Wind blowing. .
Fragile petals falling. ..
Caught in the breeze. ..
That sense of weightless falling. ..
That loss of control. ..
Decisions that are out of my hands...
The greenest grass..
The bluest skies...
That whipping wind...
I feel you in it...
Waiting for words that will never come. ..
Sun on my shoulders. ..
That flicker of sadness. .
A meloncholy nostalgic feel of you...

E.J.M.

How does one heart love two?
How can you touch me like this?
We are the words..the touch. .the kisses..
The air that I breathe. ..
The beating inside me....
that make my life...
But it's half. .. half mine...half hers
Everything we are is split...
Divided in moments. ..
Perpetual grasping at time we don't have...
Always wanting more
Always wanting you...
don't stop loving me...

E.J.M.

I taste so good against your lips...
Taste me again

E.J.M.

Love has to be tended....Like a garden...
Without watering, it dies...
As the weeks pass and I don't see you...
I don't speak to you...
I don't know you anymore. ..
Time pulls love apart...
I miss you but mostly miss what we had...
What I thought we had...
You continue living your life and I get farther away...

Will you notice when I'm gone?

E.J.M.

I dreamed of you last night
I had to call you...
Which is something I would never do..
There was an urgency about it...
In this dream, I had to talk to you...
So I broke the unspoken rules...
And she answered the phone.
We exchanged sarcastic pleasantries. ..
Both knowing the other...
What we both are..
I asked her to tell you I'd called..
Knowing she wouldn't. ..
I awoke unsettled....
Feeling like I need to speak to you...
Wishing I could call you like I do in my dreams
I won't call....


Maybe you will....

E.J.M.

So many things that I want to say to you. ..
The words never come. ..
My head filled with noise until you appear....
Suddenly it's all silence....
There are no words when I am with you....
No necessary chatter...
Just you and I. ..
Just us and them...
The frivolity of words with happy endings...
I don't need them. ..
I just need you...
At this time and this place. ..

E.J.M.

You say things will change....
For the better....
For us to be together....
To talk every day...

I want to believe you....
but I know things won't....

Change

It's so hard to alter the direction of one's life...
The complacency becomes so easily done...
You will stay where you are...
because its easier...

I'll either continue to stay or eventually leave you....

Change...

E.J.M.

You've got me unsettled with this talk of change...
As much as I love you I'm afraid you're jumping ship for the wrong reasons. ..
I want you to leave because you love you..
Not for me...
Not for her...
For you...
Because you have been unhappy in this life...
I'm unsettled...
I only want what's best for you. ..

E.J.M.

Where You are..
Where I am...
Headed in separate directions....
At different times, on different days...
Our lives intersect ever so briefly....
A fleeting moment...
A whispering chance....
The briefest collision.
Eye contact made...words spoken
We divide
again.
Go our separate ways.....
never knowing when we intersect again.

And all that looking for you....and there you were.
Just as you've always been.
And my gut clenched.. and my heart dropped....
and you waited.
You chased me again....
Against my better judgment, I stopped
How could I not?
The one thing that I've wanted most for 4 **** months.......
Hugging you completely undid me...
All that hurt and loss, overwhelmingly hit me and
I couldn't stop......

E.J.M.

I'm lost in the relevance of you...
Of holding you in the dark.. Tracing little circles...
Of waking up to your coffee... as
I sat on your couch and we watched the news... my head against your shoulders
I realized that I've always loved you in this way... a shocking epiphany...
To love someone for 20 years and never have them... to never know that's what this was...
And now I know... I can do nothing about it...
You are there and I am here... so far away
There's so much space between us..
I sat there staring at your face and realized that I've loved you from that very first time I met you...
As I sobbed on the plane last night... leaving you and the knowledge that you are the one that I'll never have....
And all I want is a different life with you... waking up next to you with 8 more minutes to sleep...
Feeling you holding your breath as I run my fingers across your chest in the cool blackness....
I'm burning these moments in my most precious memories....
Wanting you to call and say " please come back to Boston".....
I'm missing you so much already...

E.J.M.

Be careful who who share your soul with.
This exchange of feeling may scar you for life. .
For every soul you expose yourself to...
You carry pieces with you...
They become a part of who you are...
Be hesitant...

E.J.M.

Just this meloncholy sadness..
Loving you leaves me inept... drifting....
This overwhelming sadness about who we are... and who we aren't....
Loving in a way with the blinders off my eyes... leads to heartbreaking thoughts and realization....
Gone are those days when I didn't know better...
Loving you completely and truthfully....
Breaks me apart.... millions of shattering pieces of my heart...
Just this sadness.... of who we are and who we aren't....
So meloncholy when I think of us....
Such dramatic, painful ,wrenching sadness

E.J.M.

I may not be ready. .
More fragile than I thought....
More broken pieces to mend...
I let him do more damage
Than I knew..
I don't want to be hurt. ..
I'm scared of giving you these pieces of me and trusting you to care for them..
So many times I've been broken and put them all back...
I'm sharing them with you. ..
and praying that you will be fragile with me...
I'm so very scared of this vulnerability. ..
I'm prepared to do this though... to take the chance on you. ..

E.J.M.

your body is a canvas...
The most beautifully painted art...
You've tattooed meaningful beauty all over it..
The words across your chest intrigue me...
And how you grieve for Mary..
the blackest ink and shades of grey...
the Love on your ribcage..
the Metal on your leg...
the roses across ..and Jesus
The colors & details  ...
all the reasons that make you who you are...
I love to trace them with my fingers...
Love the way they look imprinted on your body...
You're so ****...

E.J.M

I am lost with you...
I find so many directions with you..
and never know which to choose...
I watch your eyes light up...
the smile that breaks across your face when you see me...
I'm lost here... lost with you in this time and space..
watching the light filter through the trees...
the tepid breeze that catches my hair...
I'm completely lost...
watching the grasshoppers frolic from brush to brush...
the crickets trilling in the trees...
pricking my hands on sandspurs...
I'm lost here in this place I know from memory...
Lost here with you....
always waiting for you...

E.J.M.

Your lips taste like fire... they consume me greedily. ..
In bliss I lay before you... absorbing the sight of you above me...
I've never felt so powerless yet powerful at the same time...
Our eyes meet urgently...
Shallow breaths, hungrily devour....
faulty skin, and breath and tears
In the end I'm powerless...

E.J.M.

Heavy clouds....misting rain
A fleeting glimpse of green so bright
Pines in rows...
Muddy tracks...
Leading you to me and taking you back.
Fallen leaves..
Whistling wind echoes off the stillness. .
Goosebumps on my skin
Sienna grass full of burs...
A pierce in my finger of impending pain
And I wait...
Until the sun peeks through
And you are there..with the boyish smile
And dancing eyes
The glimmer of who you are,
the edge of who you were..
the softness of who you are to me....
In this beautiful place with this beautiful soul....
not a minute too soon or too late...
I will always wait

E.J.M

I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you ....made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.

I can not save everyone....
I acknowledge this...
Does that give me the right to give up?
To not try?
To exonerate myself from empathy?
I promise to keep trying despite this...
If I make one difference...

If I change one life...
If you smile a little brighter tomorrow. ..

It's worth all the trying in the world...

E.J.M.

You are amazing and beautiful...
This fighter... this strong, hard gorgeous man...
Trying to survive....
So fearless in your perseverance...
I'm in awe of who you are...
All that fight made me love you..
Just snuck in and hit me.
Loving you scares me...
I'm hard and equally fearless...
But am in danger of loving you...
We could be amazing....
You already are...

E.J.M.

When I hear your voice it's like my stomach has no bottom. ..
This fluttering gutless feeling. ..
I still can't breathe. ..
This bottomless,  butterfly intensity. ..
No wonder I can't leave....

E.J.M.

Tthese edges of yours are so sharp...
I cut my hands up every time I touch you...
Maybe you'll stay this time..
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now...
As I watch you walk away through the woods...
I have no words to say..
You glance back at me and smile...
I smile & just watch as you disappear...
I never know when you'll return...
Yet I always welcome you with open arms...
There are so many lessons to be learned from this...
If I was already gone.... would you miss me?

E.J.M.

75 moments to love you...
75 over this great span of time...
somewhere around 18 I loved you...
at 45 I told you...
I tell you every other time now...
mostly I miss you...
in 75 moments you became an integral part of my existence. ..
Funny how 75 moments can change a person. ...
what I want is different now...
you and I with all those moments. ..
I could spend 75 more and we'd still be the same together...
I'd still cut my hands up every time I touch you...
you'd still kiss me better...

you'd still go home to her and call me in a week...
missing me...
wanting 76 moments. ..
I guess I do to...

E.J.M.

I still look for you...
Even though I know you aren't there...
It's over... but it's not
we were the wrong time....
or not enough.
There isn't a heart wrenching loss...
just the subtle ache as i drive past our place.
Maybe one day you will love me...
there's always the maybes..
I can't write and I can't call...
can't speak a word...
but then what would I say?
I leave us unspoken....
But always know that I miss you....
in the dull voided aching way that one does in a helpless love...

E.J.M

I wish I loved you less.
That you weren't burned in my heart....
You are the only thing I can't say no to..
I'm drowning here in us...
I felt fear today...
Intense fear, heart pounding flight inducing fear...
If I'd loved you less it wouldn't have been felt. .. but then again I wouldn't have been there...
And maybe I can't live like this...
Then I remembered living without you....
And my heart clenches...
I need to learn to love you less...
Before I lose myself. ..

E.J.M.

You came in softly....
Stealing in unexpectedly.
You got me to fall...
Two broken people.. needing each other to help mend the damage that others had done.
I fell hard for who I thought you were.
The you that spoke to my heart..
But then it changed...
You were stealing right from me as I handed you everything.
Behind closed doors you helped yourself to my stuff...
I meant so little...
What a shock to know that you were really good at stealing.
I'm done.
Take from someone else.

E.J.M.

My skin starts tingling at the sound of your voice....
My stomach drops out like on a roller coaster...
My face gets red...
I get hot all over....
breathless. ..
all from the sound of your voice...
This isn't really a pleasant feeling.....
Very overwhelming....
My feelings for you written plainly on my face....

E.J.M.

There are increments in which your heart breaks...

E.J.M.

We meet in our place every time...
Amidst the Pines and scrub...
In the dirt..
In a forest full of sun...
All these trees and no shade...
Our place reminds me ...
of Robert Frost and the path least taken
We leave our mark in this place as time goes by
And seasons change...
Like the mark you leave on my heart each time...
A meloncholy happiness that is us...
I always get a sandspur when I see you...
That small invasive stab to remind me what we are...
The beautiful green of the trees and the wind in your hair...
The brilliant sun upon my face as we kiss deeply...
I take us all in and treasure these moments. ..
Never knowing if we will have them again...

E.J.M.

what's different about today... Rather than tomorrow or possibly Friday? why is it that some weeks you see me multiple times yet others not even a call... Weeks go by and I don't hear a word and then you're back just like you never left... Can you tell me you'll call Monday...yet I don't hear anything from you... You always come back... The question is why are we here? why do we come back? what makes you call me? can't you just live your life without me? isn't she enough? I'm not sure why you need us both? yet I must ask myself the same question... I'm not sure why both of us are here... Maybe we should stop coming...

E.J.M.

you always tell me pretty words to make us seem real..
offer up plans that we'll do that never come thru..
The one days, the maybes , the promises...
you are a spawner of hope..
Giving up lies that have never been asked...
I understand why you do it...
you make this grandiose romance..
Star crossed lovers..
Romeo & Juliet...
but...
I know what we are...
I know how this ends...
I know where we're going ..
no picket fences..
no happy endings..
no forevers...
just day by day...
moment by moment..
kiss by fleeting kiss..
just here & now..
I take you as you are without the pretty lies...
what 's that say about me?

E.J.M.

I dream of sitting in bed with you...
Curled into one another...
Your lips pressed against my shoulder..
Just being with you in twilight...

Those moments when the day ends...
Those last few seconds...
as the day departs and the night encroaches....
To just be....

I don't need words...
Or actions of any kind...
I want no plans...

I simply want to be with you in silence...
Inaction....
Together for the quiet darkening moments...
Listening to you breathe....

Knowing that you'll be here when I awake...

E.J.M.

All these broken pieces....
I'm a mess...
I wish they would leave me alone.
I can heal by myself.
But they won't stop..
Everybody needs something...
And I keep caring about them.
What about me...
Who's caring about me while I'm trying to save the world one ****** up person at a time?
At the end of the day it's me with all my responsibility.
I'm a mess...
Is it any wonder why?
I can't carry everyone else.
Just me... and the responsibility.

E.J.M.

Fervent kisses... ardent love... pressing against you urgently...
I love what you do to me...
This weakened state you take me too...
I tremble and want so much more...
I can't take much more...
Your sweat dripping into my eyes...
Eyes glazed over...
I love you above me...
Muscles rippling... the sinewy length of you against me...
Feather kisses on my shoulders. ..
My teeth on your ear...
Such grace and beauty in being with you..
The kiss on my head...
My nails gripping your shoulders...
Graceful entoxicating euphoria....

E.J.M.

The fever I feed in you..
The pieces I protect...
The windows to your soul...
The darkness....
The fever pitch...
Your highest high...
Your lowest low..
I gather the pieces to paint a portrait of who you are...
Of who you are to me...
We are pieces of each other....
Some reflect mirror image desires
Others completely divergent....
We are pieces... millions of pieces combined in a life
Two people that fit spaces that others can't
You are just pieces of me fit together differently....

E.J.M.

The breeze tickles my skin...
I'm reminded of your breath by my ear
The golden orb above heats my shoulders...
Reminiscent of your hands....
Listening to the wooded sounds. .. I think of you here...
As I gaze down your path..I wonder where it leads
The other way is mine...
Two paths to one location....
To come here over and over again yet not know the details by now...
Reminiscent of loving you...
All this time. .thinking I know the details of you yet not knowing anything of your path...
Anything of your day to day. ..
Who you really are...
What you really want....
I only know what you show me...
You whisper I love you...
I know that we do...
Yet there's that other path...

E.J.M.

I rarely cry for you... for us...
But my heart is breaking. ..
And you aren't here....
And I'm sobbing. ... even after all these years. ..

E.J.M.

*** is such a driving force with us...somehow I can't get enough of you... Your touch, your kiss ,the smile on your lips...I'll always drive to see you because I can't get enough of you... it's always worth the drive...drive for an hour to spend 10 minutes with you... It's always worth it... Those 10 minutes spent staring at your face mean the world to me... Such a *** drive... I just drove by one of our places and it brings back memories of all the times we've been there... And I still continue to drive... Nothing is changed I love you the same... And I'll just keep driving ....did you drive me insane?

E.J.M.

You were the only person I've never tried to save...
That says a lot about you and a lot about me...
We've NEVER Been us...
We've never been free to be anything more than what we are.
I've never wanted to save you...
You can do that yourself...
Just maybe I'm waiting for you to save me.
Or we can save each other.
You taught me that a relationship is two people bettering ourselves.
I believe you.
I'm waiting for us to better ourselves.  
For us to get away and  be us.
To have a shot, one chance.  
That's it... our saving grace

E.J.M.

You called to say I love you...
It's been two weeks since I have heard from you....
You called to reassure me that you meant what you said...
That you want to change your life...
You want me in it...
You called to remind me that despite our space. ..
You love me no less today...
You called me to tell me that tomorrow I can call you....
You called me to say I love you...
And I couldn't breathe and my heart is racing. ..
And I love you no less...

E.J.M.