As the night closes in I think about how  loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives, rather it is the people around us and our lack of interest in them that makes us feel lonely

I've always gotten lost in my head, thinking about all the ways I could cut my flesh open and destroy myself, to finally end myself
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some time elapsed and I finally realised that it is not death that I long for but just pain
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I want to take myself apart piece by piece
to feel at peace and feel that sweet release

the highs of mania and the lows of depression are harder to ride as time goes on
especially when I can't find any answers
especially when I can't understand myself or the world around me
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suffocating on my emptiness
I walk around
yet I am nowhere to be found

S for say
say something to me

somewhere between the drink that burns my throat and Anderson Paak's voice, i find my thoughts drifting to the same place they always do

i dream of having a piano in front of me so my fingers could dance across the keys instead of my neck

this isn't what I wanted at all
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i feel like one day you just become an adult and you have no idea what to do with a life that you really didn't want
as in the life that you live isn't the one that you wanted
what do you even do with that? because I feel like life really isn't what you make it
life happens no matter how much you try to shape it

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I guess i have no real idea about what I want
most of my life has been spent knowing what i don't want as if that ever made a difference
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there are only a few moments in my life where I can confirm I have actually been alive
but mostly I think about the fact that I just exist, just like a lot of people, just like everyone actually