I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

there is an energy to her walk
there is life in her every step
and when she turns to leave
she leaves an aura of death trailing after her

she is intoxicating
because she is focused

as she walks all she can think about is her beauty
she does not need to worry about her surroundings
she knows everybody is taken in by her

---
the world disappears when she walks
she is once again surrounded by beauty
intoxicated by her own beauty
and the life that radiates off of her

--
she is sure of herself
confident
magnetic
charismatic
and
electric
-
she's not alive though

I feel like we never truly age, the child inside of us just waits and bleeds

Do you know what it feels like to excel at both receiving pain and inflicting it in equal measure?

on a Sunday afternoon I told him that I love him
it took him by surprise
but he said he loves me too
and I know that he truly meant it

I meant it too
I felt every emotion that comes with love and I felt it deeply
It does not matter to me that I have no idea whether it’s platonic or romantic love
It’s still love
And it felt good…it feels good
I went where my emotions lead me to and for once it wasn’t to a dark place

I feel happy
A love that’s not defined
It’s just pure

A person once said to me ‘what is love?’ and they didn’t ask it as a question because it just can’t be questioned
and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now

there isn’t an answer or a definition

today a tear slipped down my face, out of happiness
I have learnt a lot of lessons and I’m glad that I stayed alive to learn them and to keep feeling

I will complain about life tomorrow but at least I felt today. At least I have the hope that I will feel again another day

Thank you for letting me feel the warm rays of happiness on my skin once again

Am I alone or just lonely?

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise