I can't shift this feeling
that things are never going to be okay again
that things will never be the same again

and this thought spins around my mind
on repeat
until i fall asleep

i'm tired of conflict
of anger
of sadness
of pain
regret
hesitance
playing the game
being one step ahead
being calculated
mysterious
having a poker face
being reserved
staying relevant
trying
everything
all these irrelevant things
all these first world problems
are so relevant

just grow up
these things are so tiny
so insignificant so pathetic
block them out

but i can't
who can?
no one
and they're lying if they say they can

i wish my heart could speak for itself
and not have to rely on my fingers to communicate its feelings

i wish my mind could control me
instead of you

I wish i didn't stay up until the stars no longer recognised me
so my soul could rest

i wish miscommunication didn't happen
so i could be happy

i wish....that you could touch me right now and make my reality disappear for a few hours

i wish i didn't have these thoughts
these little self destructive thoughts that ask for trouble
lie awake with me
take my pain away

inject me with life

but when you're gone
i regret everything
it makes me sick

and then i yearn for you once again

i guess i ****** about too much

did I lose myself or did I gain you?

who am I?
I've lost myself
I always thought that i knew myself
it was a medal that i wore proudly


but i guess that was just youthful confidence
it was false and i never knew it
i was false

ive grown up now
maybe i lost myself on the way here

who the hell am i?
i miss myself
i don't even know who that person was
but i miss them so much

come back
please

i love that we only exist at night