i ache for the dimly lit late night cafes with wine bottles on the walls
and foamy brown cappuccinos on the tables.
i lust after the nameless, elegant dishes
and the martinis
and the sophistication.

you are wendy's at midnight
a chain restaurant on our anniversary.
practicality.

i want mindless rewards without guilt.
i want cafes and restaurants no one outside of this town has heard of
i want to be what i am:
twenty years old
fresh off the french coffee press
ready to sweep my way through all the archetypes i have observed longingly.


you're seven years too late, darling.

SPRING

Cold air freezes my soul
Rain drops are drumming
A sandy odor fills my breath
Leaving an imprint till my death

Silence fills the room
Voices swept from my home
Keeping me safe for no more cries
Laughing hard for all those lies

Sober or bored
I toss the curse to the edge
As strong as I am at my age
No illusions like mirage

I still stand still
Through all the tragedy
Storms behind my wall
Still freezes my soul

she was telling me about someone who died
I just couldn't wrap my head around it
it never made any peace in my mind
peace, only the dead have found it

dream that one day daddy will let go.
that he will stop wearing his wedding band and appealing to god
for the restoration of our family.

that family is gone.
we must build a new, smaller one now.
**** mom.

father,
rebuild something else
pray for something else
pray to get past all the **** she put us through
so we can stop looking behind us at the stagnant past
and instead look to make our future better
the part we can actually control.

please,
please...stop praying, dad.
no one is listening.

like a lone wolf, I am away from the pack
with the mange eating me, i'm fast to attack
when his matriarch has fallen through the cracks
the dominant male is always looking back

what is the basis of love?
how is love really defined?
is it a real emotion, or only in our minds?

what is a real emotion?
which thoughts are best ignored?
what is already paid for is what we can't afford

where is love's premises?
how could I find the signs?
is it a real emotion, or only in our minds?

one more puff, and I am headed toward those gates
just beyond this cloud of smoke
my own heaven awaits

to change the way I feel
it couldn't be a sin
the means to escape
this world I'm living in

one more puff, and I am headed toward those gates
just beyond this cloud of smoke
my own heaven awaits