I AM SUCH A WASTE OF ******* AIR.

please take me back. i need you. i need to breathe you, i need to see you, i need you to live. you're my blood, you're my life, my sun and my earth. please, i'm so ******* sorry. i'm so messed up i don't deserve you. i don't know why i did it. please. i need you to love me. i ******* need you. please forgive me. you're the love of my life.

i cheated.
and it wasn't until i lost the love of my life that i realized it was wrong.

I'm not a player, because I run the game.

i need to be needed.
i need to be loved. to be craved.
but i run. i am a runner.

i must stop and think,
have i found love?
my burdening self belonging to a beauty,
and having that in return?
what is love? i do not know
i pursued that path before,
but the ground broke away beneath my clinging feet
perhaps i may try again to decipher the darkness
but who really knows what lies there anyway?

no one cares. they lie.

I can't get out.
I need to get out.
I need to be me. To find me.
Please. Let me. Out.

i dont know what love is. i say that i love you but i have no clue. perhaps this is what love is, if so, im not too sure i'd care to feel it again.

i knew it was over as soon as i didn't trust a word that left your lips.

i now live without you.
but i would never consider this living.

I am the sun. Perhaps I warm the surfaces of the rooms I walk into. I bring happiness to people who don't think about me much. But come too close to me, and I will burn you to your core. From far away, I am sobering, a reassurance to most. From far away, you will think everything is okay. But i warn you. Don't look directly at me. Otherwise you will see who I really am. You will suffer endless pain and regret the decision for the rest of your existence. I am the sun. Don't come too close.

I finally cut myself free from you. And it's the worst feeling in the world.

i remember being a little girl and wanting nothing more than to grow up, go to high school and live my life to the fullest. i think back on that person now and i seriously envy that innocent mind. a mind that had yet to be exposed to all of the destructing things someone goes through. after some years, i realized that well known sayings like "what doesn't **** you makes you stronger" are complete *******. what doesn't **** you turns you into a weak being that you won't even recognize in the end. we live in such a demolishing society and i am so horrified that i have to live through this somehow. i cannot even begin to explain. last year, i used to go through these phases where i would hate everything and would feel like my life ******, but now i'm in this constant cloud, this constant fog of being angry at the world. this will never be something i get over, or something i will recover from. i now can say that i fully understand why some people are so angry at the world. what an effing revolting place we live in. adults crush your hopes and dreams with words they claim to be the "truth", friends turn into fake ******* you don't recognize, boys play you like they play their stupid sports, and most of all grades are the only thing that defines a person, and after that, it's how much money you make and how perfect your life is. we should be so ashamed that this is the way it is. the worst part of it all is that this will never change anything. this will go unheard. just like our individual lives when we have completed the competition that we somehow have the audacity to call life.
honestly, i just envy that untouched, oblivious mind that i used to have.

oh my dear do not worry!
it will all be okay.

but i don't have a 4.0 GPA
i don't pull enough all nighters
i need to work harder somehow

oh my dear do not worry!
it will all be okay.

but everyone tells me i'm going to fail!
they are right
i will never be what i want to be

oh my dear do not worry!
it will all be okay.

i am tired and broken down from pushing myself.
but i am still called lazy.
how does that make sense at all?

i wish i didn't care.
that your words could float right through me, without hurting me,
that i could shrug it off carelessly.
but honestly you are the one who has torn me all up,
the one who made sure i never strayed too far,
you are the one who destroyed me.
and i'm expected to love you?

The stitches broke.
I tried to fix myself. To heal what others tore apart.
I tried to save myself countless times.
The stitches broke.
I looked up in defeat.
Nothing left to give. Everything drained.
The stitches broke.
My wounds were so **** close to being healed.
But another person always comes along to prevent it.
The Stitches broke.
And honestly this time i'm too tired to sew myself back together.

I don't want to run anymore.
                                            I think maybe
Maybe it's time to lay down.
                                            My legs are tired.

and just like that she vanished.
the soft golden strands of hair you once knew, now dark and mysterious.
her flawless skin, so soft and pure, now rough, beaten and cracked.
on her eyelids once was a shade of ocean blue, now her eyes are crusted shut with dried blood.
her contagious smile replaced with lips refusing to separate, too afraid to speak a word.
what happened to her you might ask?
what could have possibly turned such a prodigious person into less than the shell?
you tell me.

this has happened before.
i was in this same identical spot.
and wished death upon myself.
i somehow moved on from it.
but i am back.
hello dear friend! i haven't missed you.
will this time be the one that terminates my existence?

tell me.
tell me why i am like this please.
all i need is an explanation! please!
is this how it's supposed to be?
am i going to make it?
i need a sign.
please. please.

you would think that someone with such a sobering smile would know how to escape depression.

Change is inevitable.
I tried to avoid it, to make sure we never crossed paths.
But I remember how innocent I was back then, not an ounce of sadness in my body. How did I become this? When did I change into this bitter, pessimistic thing. I tried so hard to light my way through the darkness but I forgot to bring extra matches.

         I think I have ended up so depressed because I was so happy.

I don't know why, but I don't trust you. You've never given me a reason to feel this way, you've never hurt me, lied to me, or anything of that sort. I guess this is what happens when you've been let down so many times that you realize one day, people are never who they seem to be at first glance. I've learned to not trust anyone. I wish it didn't apply to you, but these things are out of my control.

Isolation is what sealed my fate.

how are you the one that gets to be happy?
the one that made me feel unlovable for my weaknesses?
how is that fair.

"I am tired" is such an optimistic way of describing the state in which we really are.
"I am done for, narcoleptic, internally shattered, and terminally discarded." is the closest way of painting the pain on a canvas of meaningless words.
But there really is no way of expressing the true feeling. Of being simply tired.

after a while the caffeine grows weaker, the cold splash of water grows warmer, and the sunlight grows darker.
things change for the worse all the time.
and one day I realized that I was no exception.

I wish I could shut all feelings and emotions down with a lever.
I say that I have.
But I also say i'm happy.
I guess we all tell little lies, don't we?

do I care?
yes.
do I want to?
no.

I stare at my tired reflection in the mirror.
It being broken. Shattered if you will.
Belonging to no one.

I smile.
I flash that charming grin. Trying to convince myself i'm okay.

But then, my face falls.
Tears overlapping my eyes.
Making them look like those of an untouched doll.

The power. Oh the power you have on me right now.
You don't even know.

"I fell when I was a little child and a broken glass bottle cut my wrist."
But I knew better.

There is no air.
I am trapped.
I am trapped in an ocean.

Water begging to be let in.
My screaming lungs on the other side refusing with all their might.

Cold cement walls on every side.
Silence.
Millions of tiny cold pieces of rock
for every time I think about you.

Dark forest at every turn.
All the trees look the same.
And no one will hear me for eternity.
Wailing with such weak desperation.

The feeling is close to a thousand wolves ripping me apart.
Claws digging into my selfless blood.

Blades of regret ripping through my broken heart.
Wishing i'd kept it to myself.

It was a mistake.
I am a mistake.

I don't like going to bed.
Because I lay there thinking about you instead.

I feel haunted by your memory to be honest.
I must tell you that these nights are the longest.

I would do anything for you to have never left me.
But now you only exist in my memory.

I Just want you back.
You are the one person that I lack.