I am
trying to find new ways
to deal with this
acute emptiness that has surrounded
me from the moment I
got home
instead of going back
to the same old familiar
mechanisms that have always
left me emptier than before.
Picking up the phone
and calling someone
who is actually sane
was a good first start.

I don’t have the energy
to convince people I’m not
worth leaving anymore. I used to,
I used to fight for everything I thought I was worth to the point
of being paralyzed by my own
pointless loyalty. But after so many
failed attempts at holding on to
friendships that had become one sided
I have come to the conclusion that
it’s just like sand slipping through
fingers. A futile endeavour that will
only leave you crippled with the
weight of knowing that you can’t
undo what’s already been done. You
can’t save what cannot be saved.
No matter who it is, no matter who
I wish it wasn’t, I have watched many people come and go
as they please in and out of my
life and in the end they always leave.
I think it’s a miracle if you can find
one person who does not leave you.
One person who you grow to love
and trust, who waters you until
you have blossomed into the most
beautiful and potent flower in all
of existence. One person
who does not save you
but helps you save
yourself. I have. And that
is the greatest gift of all.
Leave, leave, leave. Go ahead.
They all do.
And it’s alright. Because I found an
angel that will always be right
beside me even if right beside me
is a thousand miles
away.

I don’t know how to tell you
that I can tell how hard you
are trying
just by the sound of your voice,
it doesn’t rise and fall like
a never ending tide the way
it used to, it doesn’t make me
want to hang up the phone and
jump off of a bridge just so
I could feel like I was killing
one of our demons
before they could ****
one of us.
I don’t know how to show you
how proud of you I am
for going as long as you have
without slipping back into
slow suicide, without going
back to being absent from
my life like you were
before.
I don’t know how to tell you
that what you are doing
for yourself
is also a gift you’re giving to me,
for there is a strange contagiousness
when somebody starts to
take care of themselves.
I don’t know how to tell you
that just because things are getting
better doesn’t mean
that everything is now automatically
okay, because it’s not and
there are still knots that I’ve tied
in between my ribs and the backs
of my eyelids, things I have
promised myself to never give
or tell or show you
ever again.
My heart is thawing and that is
a choice I have made and I am glad
I am making it.
Life is too hard with a hardened
heart but that doesn’t mean
it can thaw overnight.
I can feel it slowly softening
with each passing day,
though I still scare myself
with what I can remember.
Darkness remains
but I am no longer using it
to fill a void.
And I am glad I can look you
in the eye and know
that you’re trying your hardest
to see, to really see
me again.

i showed you the con
tents of my crooked heart and
you left me stranded.

flirting with death

by smoking my life away

throwing it down the toilet

starving my self of lifes good fortune

literally am waiting for

the grim reaper to
knock knock

on my door with a pretty grave

and a comforting hand

but if i had the chance

to re-think it all

i wouldn't give in just yet

feeling the simplest things

like the breeze on my face

a breath of fresh air after

being consumed by so many
tears

and the moments where you feel

like everything will be
alright

but then here i am

flirting with death

leading it on

with words of want

only to shoot it down

with the buts and maybes
and what ifs

death is a one time thing

life isn't always here to stay

so if we are born to die

do deadly things to feel alive

what is the real path

we are taking

if it all just feels like a
big circle?

I have been chewed up
and spit out by life,
defeated, defiled,
haunted by specters,
plagued with poor luck.

But I don't stand in pride
for having emerged
with my spirit unbroken.

I bow in gratitude
for having been given
the chance to struggle
for something I love.