I did my make up and I did my hair
I even found something pretty to wear
I put on heels for the first time in weeks
I look at the clock and it reads three

I waited patiently by the door
Soon it was quarter past four
You said you'd be hear at half past three
I wonder if you had somewhere else to be

The clock hands keep moving, now it reads five
Maybe, I thought, you forgot how to drive
And all this way, you had to walk
Still I waited and there was no ring or knock

The clock relentlessly still ticks
And now it reads ten after six
My phone buzzes on the arm of the chair
"Hello, are you there?"

Stuck sitting a hospital waiting room
Terrified and anxious, awaiting the news
Its only a matter of time
The clock hands tick over to nine

Tonight was supposed to be a fairy tale
Instead it rated a ten on the horror scale
The clock read 11:03 when they told me the news
There was too much damage and they couldn't save you

In honor of Father's day I decided
On a hunt I would go to find my father
I used google and facebook
Finally I found him
I saw his picture and began to cry
I cried and cried for a long time
I don't know how long but it wasn't long enough
I cried some more until my eyes ran dry
I saw pictures of my half siblings
Pictures of his wife
And wondered why I wasn't good enough
Why didn't he want me
How come they get a dad and I don't
Was it something I did or something I said
Was it just me that made him go away
Maybe it wasn't me
Maybe he just wasn't in love
Maybe he didn't want to stay with my mom
But if not for her sake
Why not mine
I guess when you're 18
You don't think about that
I was only 2 I just wanted to talk to my dad
Why didn't you answer the phone
Why didn't you want to talk to me
I guess if he had
I wouldn't be where I am now
Then again I'm a wreck, a disaster, a mess
I could get all my questions answered
With just one click
It seems like the things that should be so easy
Are usually the hardest
Just a click and type some words and send it
But I can't I freeze over the button
Maybe my questions will never be answered
They probably won't be
Maybe I'll never know why
I never had a father
And why I never got to say
Happy Father's Day

I’m done with all this secrecy
And now my heart is telling me
To shout to you across the room
“Hey you, yeah you. I love you.”
But its my brain that tells me no
Even though I love you so
For fear of embarrassment
And rejection instead of compliment
I’ve never done it no I’ve not
And for that reason my heart strings are taut
And ever so out of tune
Though once you know how much I care
You’ll tune them up right then and there
And play the music that always was
And it’s just beautiful because
You’re the only one for me
And the only one for my heart you see

Hearts and promises are among the most fragile of entities
It is as if they are made of glass
If you are not careful, they will break
One small slip, and they shatter
Eventually after a long and tiresome process, they can be fixed
But they will not be the same
In broken glass, there are imperfections
On what once was perfect
In a broken promise, there is scorn
Where once was trust
In a broken heart, there is hatred
In what once was full of love
All can be repaired, but none can be renewed

My hope of returning one day
To see you face and then to say
“I miss you so now never go.”
Has never been far away
And now I wonder what could be
If only you could see
How much you mean to me
Across the land I must go
Now never to know
If I ever had the chance to be
Your one and only

How can I love you when you don’t love me back?
How can I hold you when you don’t want me to?
How can I kiss you when you turn away?
How can I love you at all?
How can you love me when you turned me away so many times before?
How can you hold me when you pushed me away so many times before?
How can you say you’ll always be there when you never were?
How can I trust you when you broke my heart?
How can I feel your warmth when you were so cold to me?
How can we be friends when you don’t even like me?
How can we stay in touch if you ignore all my messages?
How can we be in love when love is so far away?
How can I give you all my love when you give me none back?
How can I give you my heart if you won’t give me yours?
How can you say that you’ll stay when you always were away?
How can you say hello when it was always good-bye?
How can I love you?
How can you love me?
How can this love be?

If you give an artist a pencil
She'll write you a million words
Telling you in deep clarity
What it means to her
How you look to her
And what you mean

If you give an artist a pencil
She'll cover pages and pages
With drawing of you
Sketches of beautiful things
That remind her of you
And what you mean

If you give an artist a pencil
She'll love you forever
And always will remember
Even if you think you weren't
How thoughtful you were
And what you mean

I don’t know what I did
To make you care
All I can say is that I was your friend
And tried to be even after
And I didn’t mean it as a cliché
The thing that seems to be said a lot after a breakup
“But we can still be friends.”
I did not mean it the way that they do
I actually meant it
It wasn’t just empty words
You were a good friend
And I hated myself for ruining that
And for scarring our friendship forevermore
I do not know how I made you care again
I just wanted to be you friend
Though that never seems to be enough
I’m done trying to fix something that wants to be broken

I let you in
You became a part of me
I let you see me bleed
Your hands held my heart
At first it was gentle and caressed
Now it's shattered in a broken mess
I gave you a chance
I trusted you unconditionally
You killed me with finality
All because I let you in

I am stuck in a prison
One without bars, but four walls and a door
With a mother for a guard
One small misstep or wrong move
And its back to solitary confinement
No contact with the outside world
All the time I think to myself
"Maybe if I'm good and work hard
I can get out early for good behavior."
I constantly get out on parole
Only to get forced back in
On false charges, or by being myself
The warden knows all, sees all
I have no privacy in my cell
My life, open to all who wish to see it
I wish to go home, but I cannot
I wish to see my family, but have limited contact
I would try to escape and be free
But at what cost?
I would be a fugitive, still imprisoned

I steal a heart
And then I break it
I fall in love
But then I fake it

I tell off my friends
And beg to be forgiven
I try and be better
But then do it all again

I ask you for your secrets
And then tell you mine
I know all about you
But all you know is lies

I say that I need your aid
And then proceed to cower
I let you think you're king
But really I have the power

I tell you that I love you
And I know that you'll stay
I toy with you heart
But you never go away

I know the words to make you leave
And I hold them over your head
I know the words you want to hear
But I think I'll torture you instead

I'm such an awful person
And of this I'm sure
I could tell you over again
But you'll still think I'm angelic and pure

Losing myself in you
I let go of everything
I hold back nothing
It all belongs to you
Take my sorrow and grief
My happiness and joy
Take my burdens
Take my weakness and strength
Take my everything
Make me whole in you
Everything I am is yours

Not sure if its my make-up
Or you in my eyes
Either way it doesn't really matter
I'm still going to cry

Maybe I've just had a long day
Or you are creeping in my heart
Either way it doesn't really matter
I'm still going to fall apart

I wonder if I would have stayed with you
Or ended up taking you back
Either way it doesn't really matter
I can't change the past

The sun sinks down below the horizon
                                                         ­                                                                 ­                     I wish you were here
     The temperature begins to fall
                                                            ­                                                                 ­     I want to hear your voice
          Lights are being turned off
                                                             ­                                               I want to feel your arms around me
               People are getting ready to sleep
                                                           ­                                        I want to feel your breath on my neck
                    Beds being unmade, alarms set
                                                             ­                                                     I want your hand in mine
                              Tired eyes giving way to sleep
                                                           ­                           I want to see your face when I turn over
                                    People dreaming and having nightmares
                                                      ­I want to feel your body rise and fall with each breath
                                        The moon has risen and people have fallen
                                                          ­                           I want you to be here with me
                                             Sleep embraces my part of the world
                                                           ­     I want your everything with me now
                                                  Finally sleep takes me to my dreams
                                                          ­       *I wish you were here with me

Wishing I could see your face
Just one more time in this place
I sit down and begin to cry
Thinking about our last good-bye
I feel some one reach out to comfort me
And look up through blurry eyes to see
You’re sitting tight there beside me
No longer wanting to lie to me
You whisper softly in my ear
That I no longer need to fear
Because you’ve kept this secret long enough
You pull me closer into your embrace
And tell me there is no more partings I have to face
Because you’re coming with me
Across the country on my long journey
Again I begin to cry
These are not of great sadness, but great happiness
And then I wake, to find it was all just a dream

I told you my dream
But all you did was laugh at me
And tell me it was impossible
Soon you'll see

Someday I'll show you all
I will stand tall
Above all who ridiculed
And show you I did not fall

You'll come crawling back
Dragging yourself out of the black
Of the shadow that cast
Being gracious, it's all an act

I've had everything taken away
And everything turned to grey
Now new color has entered
And up is the only way

Someday I'll show you what I can be
That you were wrong about me
You'll be in the dust
And I'll be living the dream

Listening to music really loud
I don't have a hearing problem
It's just the way I like it
The louder the better
My mom hates it
So do the neighbors
I don't care
Call the cops
Lets have a contest
Who can play their music louder
I bet I can
I like my music loud

I miss you more ever day
But the more I miss makes me realize
That even if I can’t see you with my human eyes
Our love grows every day
I miss you so much more than you know
Or maybe you do know how much I miss you so
I wish I could be with you and see your face
And then freeze time in its place
And stay with you for ever and ever
And to never leave you, never
To hold you in my arms and to be held in yours
The feeling of joy warms us to our cores
To know that I will never let you go
To hold you close and always know
That we will be together no matter what
And that the door to my heart will never be shut
You can go in whenever you want
You could rob the place bare but I trust that you won’t
Because you love me, but I love you most

My heart aches for you
To be with you
I wish you here
I miss you so much

I want to feel your arms around me
To snuggle all night like we used to
To feel you lips on mine
Kissing in the dark at midnight

I miss the way you held me
And made me feel better after a bad day
I miss talking all through the night
And all though the day

I miss everything about you
I want to be with you
I don't ever want to be apart
This is the cry of my lovesick heart

I've tried so hard in the past
But now I know finally at last
It ok to be me
Not everyone leaves
Its ok to let down my walls
But that's not all
I feel like I am free
I no longer doubt my identity
I feel like I can trust again
And I actually have real friends
Not just people who like the fake me
Now they see the real me
If they don't like it, they can leave
I can let go of them
There are others that love me no matter what
They love me for me

I miss your face
And stunning grace
I miss your smile
And all the while
I'm missing you
Do you miss me too?

I miss your love
This I could only dream of
Before I met you
I was nothing new
You turned me around
Into some thing sound
I'm missing you
Do you miss me too?

I miss all of you
This I do
I miss your everything
Of you I could sing
A thousand songs
With you I belong
I'm missing you
Do you miss me too?

My mum's asleep
Her boyfriend left
The dog ran away
My hamster's dead

Now mum's awake
Her boyfriends back
The dog came home
But my hamster

He's still dead

So this is what my life amounts to
Just some words on page
No one knows me
I hide in the shadows waiting
Waiting for what, I do not know
But it will find me of that I'm sure

My life is but a wreck at the bottom of the ocean
When I went down I took many with me
Few survived to tell the tale
Though no one believed such a thing could happen
Alone I rest with the dead
No one can find me, no one knows

I tried to be who they wanted me to be
But it's so tiring living up to expectation
People expected me to fail so I showed them wrong
They expected me to drown but instead I swam
Expectations are silly things
No one can really live up to them

I've loved and lost and loved again
But will this love last
If it is indeed love, it shall
Though if its not it shall surely fail as it has before
Love is a tough thing to comprehend
I comend the people that understand and have it

People give me more sympathy than I want
In fact I don't want any at all
I tell them the sad things of my life
Only because they want me to
And they want to pity me and douse me with sympathy
I do these things to make other people feel better

My heart has been torn apart and remade so many times
Stitched and sewn, broken and smashed
Over and over again the cycle repeats
I love with my whole heart, at least what's left
And I assume that they love me just as much
Though that hasn't always been the case

Abandonment is never an easy thing
Especially for a young child to understand
People tell me that it's in the past
I know that it is, but do they?
"What's past is past and I can't go back"
That seems to be my motto for life

I look ahead and I don't see much
Not that I don't think I have a future
I just don't want to know everything that will happen
People try to plot out my life
I let them try in vain
Eventually they will find out that they can't control me

I look to the past and see wreckage
With a few glimmers of hope and light
Those few times in my life when everything seemed to be going right
But eventually they too got swallowed by doubt and darkness
I wonder what my life would be like if somethings were different
But past is past and I can't go back

My present is full of set backs and stumblingblocks
But when I fall down I get back up with avengence
I have some help from family and friends
But its not much in the end
I push forward to an unseen future
And run from a horrifying past

This my life many have seen it
People could read me like a book
But that book would be in a different language and backwards
I'm not that easy to understand
But once you get me you never go back
There are few I trust and even less I love

This is my life

You’re the ray of sunshine in my life
You take me away from all this strife
To happier places in this town
So I am not able to frown
When I look upon your shining face
Hair so golden eyes so blue
You take me away out of this place
To a place that no one has a clue
How to get there so it seems
Because they have never experienced so long
The only thing that keeps me strong
True love, so true
The love you have for me, and the love I have for you

The sun sinks down below the horizon
     What am I doing with my life?
Another day passes and turns to night
     Why am I here?
The moon rises bright and full
     Is this all that there is?
Stars are shining beneath the clouds
     How did I get to this place?
The streets are getting quieter
     Where did I go wrong?
People going to sleep and others waking up
     Am I really crazy?
Owls hoot and raccoon scratch
     *Who am I?

I watched your favorite movie
     It all became clear
And read your favorite book
     Everything made sense
Your favorite song was on the radio
     I should have realized it sooner
I heard someone that sounded like you
     But now I can see it all
And I thought I saw you in the distance
     I know the truth
I rushed toward to find my mistake
      That all this time and still
But I still punched him anyways
      *You're really just a ****

Of all the times you put me down
I’ve gotten back up
Of all the times you broke my heart
I put it back together again
Of all the times you left my crying in the dark
I stopped and turned on the light
Of all the times you pushed me away
I came back
But this time is different
I’ll get back up
I’ll put my heart back together
I’ll stop crying and turn on the light
But I come back to you
This time I’ll stay away for good
And you’ll wish you had me back

I carve your name
Into my skin
And let your love
Flow from my veins

When the crying sobs
Wracked with pain
Finally cease
They open the gateway
To entrapping numbness
And honestly I can't say
If I would rather have
The horrendous pain
Or the ghostly numbness

This is the part of me
That no one sees
When I pour out my heart
And then fall apart
When the tears stream
And I scream
When all seems lost
At such a cost
When my world crashed down
And I feel like I'm drown
I cry out in the night
I give up the fight
This is the part of me
That no one sees

Pining after you I know
Is probably not the way to go
Though in my heart I cannot stop
And I just know I cannot drop
This feeling in my heart you see
This feeling I’ve longed for so eagerly
To feel your hand clasping mine
I wish for this all the time
To feel your arms wrapping around me
This you do so tenderly
My heart is beating right out of my chest
With this difficult and final test
To give you that letter, what should I do?
But then I remember that all I want is you

Please excuse the hole in the wall
With exposed drywall and 2x4s
And my bleeding bruised hand
The ****** bandages in the trash
I was angry and couldn't hold it in

Please excuse the blood on the floor
As it drips from my fingertips
From the lines I carved
Deep into my writsts
I just wanted to feel again

Please excuse the difference of appearance
I cut off my hair and colored it again
Threw out all my clothes
Tried out a new look
I didn't want to be me anymore

Please excuse the absense of me
I don't laugh at your jokes
The smiles not in my eyes
Barely able to say a word
I lost myself to the pain

Please excuse me
I can't take it anymore