Smiling now you look at me
And there is so much to see
Under all of the anguish and pain
Is like sunshine after rain
Deep down under all that mess
There is some form of great happiness
Waiting to explode in joyous laughter
And I will say then after
“Thank you so much for the spark
That set off the fireworks in my heart.”
I always knew that it was there
The happiness I dared not bare
For though it may seem wrong
I was waiting for that perfect some one to come along
To share the joy I always knew was there
With you and only you, right then and there

When I'm with you time moves way to fast
When we're apart times seems to stand still

I want to hold your hand in mine and never let go
Yet our hands never touch yours

I want to hold you in my arms forever more
But our embraces only last a few seconds

I tell you everything, you know my darkest secrets
Yet I cannot tell you that I love you

I want to watch scary movies all night long
And cuddle as we laugh at the people walking to their doom

I want to tell the whole world of my love for you
Yet how I can I, when I don't have the courage to tell even you

Listening I hear the sea
The white gulls are calling me
Home to the place where no one dies
With white shores and blue skies
Rolling hills and great mountains
Nice trimmed hedges and many fountains
I see the silver curtain roll back
Many are here to welcome me
After my journey across the sea
The place now where I will stay
Forever until the end of time
This place is yours and now mine

How can I love you when you don’t love me back?
How can I hold you when you don’t want me to?
How can I kiss you when you turn away?
How can I love you at all?
How can you love me when you turned me away so many times before?
How can you hold me when you pushed me away so many times before?
How can you say you’ll always be there when you never were?
How can I trust you when you broke my heart?
How can I feel your warmth when you were so cold to me?
How can we be friends when you don’t even like me?
How can we stay in touch if you ignore all my messages?
How can we be in love when love is so far away?
How can I give you all my love when you give me none back?
How can I give you my heart if you won’t give me yours?
How can you say that you’ll stay when you always were away?
How can you say hello when it was always good-bye?
How can I love you?
How can you love me?
How can this love be?

On Christmas Day I stand tall and proud
All alone, among no crowd
I proudly salute the red and white
In honor of those who still fight
And in remembrance of many lost lives
Thinking of those with families and wives
And of those that are away
At war instead of home this holiday
I lower my hand and bow my head
For every lose soldier a tear is shed
For everyone away this Christmas day
To come home safe is what I pray

The silence is killing me
So quiet I can hear my own heart beat
With nothing to say or nothing to do
The only thing I can think of is you
This is not unusual especially for me
Except for the part that its so quiet and lonely
No sound except of my beating heart and falling rain
My thoughts want to burst out of my brain
This silence, so peaceful yet unnerving
Maybe I am deserving
To feel like this so trapped so alone
Even in my own home
I know in second I could be free
Just put on some music that’s all it needs
But yet I cannot ruin this perfect quiet
I wouldn’t be able to even if I tried it
My thoughts slow down to a gentle murmur
Like a gently flowing river
Yet the one thing that seems to make the river flow fast
This thought from my mind I cannot cast
Because if I did I would ruin my joy and happiness
And you wonder what is this thought that could ruin my saneness
This thought is of someone that I hold near
And to me they are very dear
The only one that truly understands me
The only one that truly makes me happy
My mind settles again and though the thought is still there
It is less disruptive and takes more care
To not disturb my river of thought
And then as though I forgot
The silence returns and all I hear is my beating heart

A fresh Spring breeze blows oh so gently
The sweet scent of flowers all though the air
I look around to find the source and lying right there
Is a small bouquet with my name on it
I slowly reach out to grab it
And  then realize that attached to it is a small note
And here is what you wrote
“You are so much more beautiful than any flower
And I doubt that it is within my power
To have you stay
Instead of going so far away
But nothing can break our love so true
And nothing can stop me from loving you.”
I can feel tears streaming down my face
And I wonder how I ever got to this place
When I feel you wrap your arms around me
And whisper “I love you.”  in my ear

I watched your favorite movie
     It all became clear
And read your favorite book
     Everything made sense
Your favorite song was on the radio
     I should have realized it sooner
I heard someone that sounded like you
     But now I can see it all
And I thought I saw you in the distance
     I know the truth
I rushed toward to find my mistake
      That all this time and still
But I still punched him anyways
      *You're really just a ****

So this is what my life amounts to
Just some words on page
No one knows me
I hide in the shadows waiting
Waiting for what, I do not know
But it will find me of that I'm sure

My life is but a wreck at the bottom of the ocean
When I went down I took many with me
Few survived to tell the tale
Though no one believed such a thing could happen
Alone I rest with the dead
No one can find me, no one knows

I tried to be who they wanted me to be
But it's so tiring living up to expectation
People expected me to fail so I showed them wrong
They expected me to drown but instead I swam
Expectations are silly things
No one can really live up to them

I've loved and lost and loved again
But will this love last
If it is indeed love, it shall
Though if its not it shall surely fail as it has before
Love is a tough thing to comprehend
I comend the people that understand and have it

People give me more sympathy than I want
In fact I don't want any at all
I tell them the sad things of my life
Only because they want me to
And they want to pity me and douse me with sympathy
I do these things to make other people feel better

My heart has been torn apart and remade so many times
Stitched and sewn, broken and smashed
Over and over again the cycle repeats
I love with my whole heart, at least what's left
And I assume that they love me just as much
Though that hasn't always been the case

Abandonment is never an easy thing
Especially for a young child to understand
People tell me that it's in the past
I know that it is, but do they?
"What's past is past and I can't go back"
That seems to be my motto for life

I look ahead and I don't see much
Not that I don't think I have a future
I just don't want to know everything that will happen
People try to plot out my life
I let them try in vain
Eventually they will find out that they can't control me

I look to the past and see wreckage
With a few glimmers of hope and light
Those few times in my life when everything seemed to be going right
But eventually they too got swallowed by doubt and darkness
I wonder what my life would be like if somethings were different
But past is past and I can't go back

My present is full of set backs and stumblingblocks
But when I fall down I get back up with avengence
I have some help from family and friends
But its not much in the end
I push forward to an unseen future
And run from a horrifying past

This my life many have seen it
People could read me like a book
But that book would be in a different language and backwards
I'm not that easy to understand
But once you get me you never go back
There are few I trust and even less I love

This is my life

My eyes burn and are blood shot
I blame it on allergies and makeup
I've been crying for the past hour or so
My mind and body a wreck
Searching for that one thing
Something to make me whole
To make me feel safe and secure
I found it couple times a while ago
Just to have it all torn away
So many times has it been in grasp
Only to be torn away by someone or something
I've been abandoned so many times before
How can I trust again?
There's is one person I rely on
To take all my stress and pain
Do they know?
Do they know that they are the only one?
The only one I can pour my soul out to
And trust them with my darkest of secrets

I hide behind a mask of happiness
I pretend to be someone I'm not
I ask myself "Who am I kidding?"
My answer is "Everyone but me."
Then I remember the one
The one I forget sometimes
Not on purpose but they slip my mind
They are like an extention of myself
Though we are different in so many ways
In others we are one in the same

Two sides of the same coin
Forgotten over time, lost in a world too large
I wonder if they get the same feeling
Too afraid to ask I keep my mouth shut
I don't press the enter key to the message I spent an hour writing
I delete it ashames of myself
Wondering how I can be so honest with them
Yet I can't ask a simple question
One that many people before me have asked
As I sit here now I think of it
It is always in my brain, scratching at my sanity
I can only imagine what it would be like if I asked
If I had the courage a month ago where I would be
But instead I sit here terrified to ask four words
"Do you love me?"

I try and imagine you here with me
Within you embrace like I used to
So close I could feel you breathe
But my imagination isn't so strong
To create something that isn't here
And its not because you aren't
You never were really
But I can't decided if its because
The thing that is missing
Is your heart or if its mine
Perhaps its both
Or maybe its neither
And that's just what I tell myself
That our hearts aren't in it anymore
Just to make it easier

Fingers slide over a touch screen
Pushing nonexistent keys
Words then strung into sentences
Should be so full of meaning
The 'I love you's and 'sweet heart's
     lies
Deft fingers dance on a keyboard
Typing forever a message not sent
Backspace and delete, find better words
Think of something comforting and kind
Make sure to put 'I love you' at the end
               lies
Ringing and buzzing, he's calling again
Let out a sigh, put on a loving voice
Click on answer, talk for an hour
Harder to feign emotion on the phone
Say 'I love you too', hang up
                         lies
See him in the distance, put on your smile
Tap on the shoulder, hug from behind
Hope your mask doesn't falter
Hand in hand, a kiss on the lips
'I'm so glad I met you' reply 'me too'
                                   lies

**Repeat

Because of all this turmoil and fear
On my face you could always see the glisten of a tear
But ever so they were of sadness
For I saw no hope in escaping this madness
Then like a massive explosion
Something great happens that no one knows
And then you come along
I begin to sing a different song
And then my tears, no longer of sadness
Turn into tears of great gladness

The pain in my heart grows evermore, all the time
Yearning to love and be loved again
I can only hope that one day I will love again
It is the only thing left that I hope for
Everything else I fear
My heart feels like it is on fire
Not the gently warming fire of love
But the hot, raging fire of hatred and pain
I try to douse this fire with tears
But alas, the fire rages on

I know I broke your heart
And in the end I also broke mine
I healed my heart
I hope you healed yours
In time I think that you have
I know that things can never be the same
I know all the blame rests on my shoulders
My stupidity and loneliness
Though now I do not ask you to take me back
I only want your friendship
Like we once had so long ago
Before this whole mess I caused
I'm sorry
Not for your heart, for I know its healed
Not for the distance, for I cannot move
But for the loss of a friend

I suppose I cannot force you to make a decision
Do what you may, it's out of my hands
Its your life, so you make the decisions
I know you hate it when people tell you what to do
So whatever happens, happens
I throw up my hands
I brandish my white flag, I surrender
I just hope you know that I will miss you
Your friendship and you being you
But that's all past, I cannot change it, nor can you
Over time I will forget and none of this will ever matter
Will I regret it? I cannot say
Will you regret it? I do not know
Though I do know that I will never again
Ask you to be my friend

Louder and louder the music pounds
Trying to drown it all out
That she doesn't care at all
I tried and she blew it off
The voices saying do it do it
Drag that blade across your skin
The pain that makes me yearn for numbness
The voice in the back of my head that still calls me your Highness

Over and over again I push the plus
The volume is already all the way up
I can still hear the demons shouting through
Telling me all things that I wish weren't true
I'm a hopeless disaster in the making
In a glass world and everything's breaking
Trying to place blame and then I see
It was really all because of me

“Gift of God” is what your name means
The gift from God to me
“Warrior” is what name means
And I’ve fought for you every day
And of the day I’ll be OK
Because God is preparing me
To be in a state that I’ll be fit
To finally receive my gift

Sitting there I look at you
Knowing exactly what to do
I’ve gone over my plan completely again
I know that you are my best friend
I grab your hand and start to say
Those three little words maybe I may
“I…I love you.”
You look at me with your blue eyes
And in your face there’s no surprise
It’s like all along you knew
What I was about to do
And then all of the sudden, out of the blue
You embrace me and say “I love you too.”

I wonder if you think about me
The way that I think about you
If you still have those horrible nights
I know that I sometimes do
If theres anyone to hold you tight
And make you feel better inside
Like I wish I could have done
If there's anyone in which you confide
I think that I've found someone
And wish that you have too
There's still times I wish that we
Could talk like we used to
About pain, acting, and agony
Deep into night, until dawn
Now I'm back to hiding it
Hoping one day it'll be gone
Still there is no profit
Now I lay here awake
Thinking about you and the sea
Hoping for both our sake
You aren't thinking about me

The bite of the cold breeze
She pulls her sweater closer around her
She waits alone on a solitary park bench
She waits for the man she loves
In the distance she sees him coming
She wonder why he asked her here
She shivers and wishes for a warmer jacket
She stands to greet him
He kisses cheek, then goes on one knee
And then he says "Will you marry me?"
Her voice is shaking as she says yes
He rises and they embrace
A perfect moment

It's 10:45 and there's a heavy sleep in my eyes
My eyelids shut and the world turns black
A million thoughts race through my mind
From fantasies to memories everything is there
Then everything slows and eventually stops
The skin on my body falls from my bones
And my bones turn to dust
If only for a moment I cease to exist
I think and feel nothing
I am nothing
A noise shatters me back into existence
My eyes are wide open and my mind is flooded
The world is just dark outlines of shapes
I search for the red glow of my clock
It still reads 10:45

Sitting here missing you, watching them
Just wanting to hold your hand
How could something so happy
Bring so much pain
Watching them in love
Thinking of you
My heart is yearning
And I am learning
To be here on my own
Not wanting to be alone
Wishing you were here
It cant be true, I wont believe it
It seems so surreal
Its already begun to crack
And I know that its just a matter of time till I come back
But all I want right now is to be with you
To hold your hand and hold you close
Though all I can do right now is dream
Of me with you and you with me
I cant bring myself to believe
I just don’t want to see
The truth from fiction
Cuz in my life there is already so much friction
Like a bad dream I wait to wake
But unlike a dream there is no awaking
To sunshine and happiness
All I see right now is the bad
It seems that is all to be had
Though I know there is some good
It seems like there is none left for me
And its all meant for her
I wish this weren’t true
I just don’t know what to do
All I want to do cry
I cant feel any good right now
Though I know its there
And its all around me
I felt it today for a moment or two
But true happiness for me lies with you

My hope of returning one day
To see you face and then to say
“I miss you so now never go.”
Has never been far away
And now I wonder what could be
If only you could see
How much you mean to me
Across the land I must go
Now never to know
If I ever had the chance to be
Your one and only

I don’t know what I did
To make you care
All I can say is that I was your friend
And tried to be even after
And I didn’t mean it as a cliché
The thing that seems to be said a lot after a breakup
“But we can still be friends.”
I did not mean it the way that they do
I actually meant it
It wasn’t just empty words
You were a good friend
And I hated myself for ruining that
And for scarring our friendship forevermore
I do not know how I made you care again
I just wanted to be you friend
Though that never seems to be enough
I’m done trying to fix something that wants to be broken

It stings and burns
Watching the ruby blood stream
Run down in twists and turns
You can't place what it means

Though you know its nothing good
Struggling to find a reason why
You know you should
Instead you just cry

Its not the first time nor the last
Remembering everything all together
Try and say it's all in the past
Hopefully you'll get better

What hope is left for you now
As you put the razor back on the shelf
And wonder just exactly how
You could keep doing this to yourself

You've fallen for me
But soon I'll be gone
I'll have broken your heart
And you'll just be
Another half-assed poem
(I didn't even try that hard)

Footsteps stop
Two dark spots
Beneath the door

Concerned pause
Listening close
But a second long

A whatever shrug
Move along
Walk away

No time to stop
Not important enough
For a simple knock

I hear the sirens
Through my open window
Wailing louder as they drive by
And wonder if one day
They'll be coming for me

I left from home so long ago
To then a place I did not know
Then that place became my home
And the I left there again so
Now I have moved two times you see
And to move again is my destiny
Back to the place where I began
To the place from where I ran
And now I run back to it
Now I know that this is it
The place I'll be, the place I'll stay
Until you come and take me away
Because our love is so strong
I know that you won't be long
And I will again be in arms safe from harm
Now we will never be apart

I steal a heart
And then I break it
I fall in love
But then I fake it

I tell off my friends
And beg to be forgiven
I try and be better
But then do it all again

I ask you for your secrets
And then tell you mine
I know all about you
But all you know is lies

I say that I need your aid
And then proceed to cower
I let you think you're king
But really I have the power

I tell you that I love you
And I know that you'll stay
I toy with you heart
But you never go away

I know the words to make you leave
And I hold them over your head
I know the words you want to hear
But I think I'll torture you instead

I'm such an awful person
And of this I'm sure
I could tell you over again
But you'll still think I'm angelic and pure

You’re the ray of sunshine in my life
You take me away from all this strife
To happier places in this town
So I am not able to frown
When I look upon your shining face
Hair so golden eyes so blue
You take me away out of this place
To a place that no one has a clue
How to get there so it seems
Because they have never experienced so long
The only thing that keeps me strong
True love, so true
The love you have for me, and the love I have for you

I saved you a spot
A seat right next to me
I waited and waited
But you never came
Over and over again
The same old thing
Now after all this time
And I'm over you
You wonder why
When you asked if we could meet
I made you save me a seat
And you waited and waited
Just as I did for all those years
I never showed up
And now you know
Just a little bit
Of what I felt

The Mightiest you are
I have given you my heart
In Your safe keeping
There is no more weeping
The great feeling of joy
Like a tiny child with their favorite toy
I once was utterly lost
I looked to the cross
And now I am found
You love for me has no bounds
And I will be safe and sound
Standing here in complete silence
Drinking in your awesome presence

Maybe in the end
All the blood I've shed
And tears I've bled
The words I've written
Will finally mean something

I'll be the moon
If you be the sun
I'll bring you down
And you'll pick me up

Maybe someday the roles will reverse
You'll be the dark
And I'll be the light
I'll be the one who stays by your side


Maybe we'll both be happy and free
And turn into stars
Shining so bright
But oh so far apart

Only time will tell
As it has before
But we made it through the dark
And turned on the light

A girl stands in a crowded park
Yet she is so alone
She with a withered rose in her hand and a broken heart
The last tokens of a lost relationship
She searches the sea of faces, hoping for his
Hoping to see him one last time
But he is gone, along with his love
She hoped for a proposal but got a broken heart instead
She can't move, she's still in shock
The man she loved is now gone forever
He loves another, she never new
He left her there and took her heart with him
Both gone forever, never to be seen again
She drops the rose and watches it get trampled
She leaves the park and never return
With no heart and no hope she leaves the world