I hear the sirens
Through my open window
Wailing louder as they drive by
And wonder if one day
They'll be coming for me

A broken savior
With more demons
Than the ones
That need saving

My
mouth
is
whispering
yes


But
my
brain
screams
no

What have I done
Have I poured my soul to the wrong one

Was too much given
Can all my sins be forgiven

Is there any hope left for me
I do not know what he sees

Of me there is nothing left
Of life I am bereft

There is nothing I can do
Why had it all been true

Why didn't I lie like always
It is all just a haze

I handed him a loaded gun
What have I done

I hit rock bottom
I needed a helping hand
To lift me out of the hole
Instead I was handed a shovel
And I dug and dug
I dug till I couldn't anymore
Till my arms we as weary as my heart
And then I dug some more
When a shovel wasn't enough
I looked up for a rope
Instead I was given a pick-ax
Deeper and deeper I delved
The ax is broken
I look up yet again
I can see no light at the top
No hand, no shovel
No rope, no pick-ax
Nothing is left
There is no where to go
I can't get out now
Darkness envelopes me

I told you my dream
But all you did was laugh at me
And tell me it was impossible
Soon you'll see

Someday I'll show you all
I will stand tall
Above all who ridiculed
And show you I did not fall

You'll come crawling back
Dragging yourself out of the black
Of the shadow that cast
Being gracious, it's all an act

I've had everything taken away
And everything turned to grey
Now new color has entered
And up is the only way

Someday I'll show you what I can be
That you were wrong about me
You'll be in the dust
And I'll be living the dream

Tears stream down my face
And drip off my chin
     Someone please save me from this hell I'm in
Memories tear through my mind
Like knives they cut ever so deep
     Into the black abyss, I begin to creep
Falling down into a black hole
Deeper and deeper, the bottom I cannot see
     *No matter how fast I run, the darkness always catches up with me

Another day spent pretending
That I'm okay
Another night crying
Trying to wash the pain away

Days blur into weeks
And then months eventually
Never finding what I seek
Here I sit, miserably

I watch as my life falls apart
And my dreams slip through my fingers
No one told me it would be this hard
Over me, a dark cloud lingers

Faking a smile, pretending all day
No longer able to act, crying all night
I tell everyone that I'm okay
No one takes notice of my plight

Not sure if its my make-up
Or you in my eyes
Either way it doesn't really matter
I'm still going to cry

Maybe I've just had a long day
Or you are creeping in my heart
Either way it doesn't really matter
I'm still going to fall apart

I wonder if I would have stayed with you
Or ended up taking you back
Either way it doesn't really matter
I can't change the past

Crying in the stall
Door shut, no one talks
Been in here long enough
Too long almost
Come out quietly
Like nothing's wrong
Fix my make up
Put on a brave face
Tell everyone that I'm ok
A bold faced lie
No one knows
I've hit rock bottom
Crying in a washroom stall

This is the part of me
That no one sees
When I pour out my heart
And then fall apart
When the tears stream
And I scream
When all seems lost
At such a cost
When my world crashed down
And I feel like I'm drown
I cry out in the night
I give up the fight
This is the part of me
That no one sees

I'll be the moon
If you be the sun
I'll bring you down
And you'll pick me up

Maybe someday the roles will reverse
You'll be the dark
And I'll be the light
I'll be the one who stays by your side


Maybe we'll both be happy and free
And turn into stars
Shining so bright
But oh so far apart

Only time will tell
As it has before
But we made it through the dark
And turned on the light

The sun sinks down below the horizon
                                                         ­                                                                 ­                     I wish you were here
     The temperature begins to fall
                                                            ­                                                                 ­     I want to hear your voice
          Lights are being turned off
                                                             ­                                               I want to feel your arms around me
               People are getting ready to sleep
                                                           ­                                        I want to feel your breath on my neck
                    Beds being unmade, alarms set
                                                             ­                                                     I want your hand in mine
                              Tired eyes giving way to sleep
                                                           ­                           I want to see your face when I turn over
                                    People dreaming and having nightmares
                                                      ­I want to feel your body rise and fall with each breath
                                        The moon has risen and people have fallen
                                                          ­                           I want you to be here with me
                                             Sleep embraces my part of the world
                                                           ­     I want your everything with me now
                                                  Finally sleep takes me to my dreams
                                                          ­       *I wish you were here with me

"Once upon a time"
What a cliche way to begin a story
"And they lived happily ever after"
Do they really?
Does everyone live happily ever after?
What about Cinderella's stepsisters?
Or the huntsman in Snow White?
Do they get happy endings?
No one seems to care about them
Snow White and Cinderella get the prince
What does everyone else get?
Princes and castles?
Crowns and glory?
The "villians" never get anything
Just because they are bad doesn't mean they can't be good
No one tries to redeem them
The live wickedly without knowing right
Without knowing the good they could have
They may have money, gold, and stolen treasures
But d they have happiness, love and hope?
No one shows them how to achieve goodness
So they steal it from others
The prince saved the princess
But who saves the villians?

Why are you still here?
You should hate me by now
I don't know why you hold on
I don't know why I push you away
Our friendship is a rollercoaster
Up one moment
Down the next
I hold you close
Then I push you away
I sabotage my own friendships
Usually the ones that mean the most
I try and not ruin them
I try to make it right
But as a wise one once said
"Do or not do. There is no try"

To my dear mother I would just like to say
Happy Father's Day
You are there for me when he is not
You given me more that I can ever repay
You give me enough love
For more than two parents
You protected me from monsters under the bed
And from boys, that you knew were bad
Sometimes I don't appreciate all that you do
You've had the job of father as well as mother
And for that I thank you
I look up to you and hope one day
To be as strong and amazing as you are
Some people may look at you and see
Just a normal person on the street
But when I look at you
I see my mom, super woman, two people in one
The one that will always be there for me
Happy Father's Day Mom
I love you

In honor of Father's day I decided
On a hunt I would go to find my father
I used google and facebook
Finally I found him
I saw his picture and began to cry
I cried and cried for a long time
I don't know how long but it wasn't long enough
I cried some more until my eyes ran dry
I saw pictures of my half siblings
Pictures of his wife
And wondered why I wasn't good enough
Why didn't he want me
How come they get a dad and I don't
Was it something I did or something I said
Was it just me that made him go away
Maybe it wasn't me
Maybe he just wasn't in love
Maybe he didn't want to stay with my mom
But if not for her sake
Why not mine
I guess when you're 18
You don't think about that
I was only 2 I just wanted to talk to my dad
Why didn't you answer the phone
Why didn't you want to talk to me
I guess if he had
I wouldn't be where I am now
Then again I'm a wreck, a disaster, a mess
I could get all my questions answered
With just one click
It seems like the things that should be so easy
Are usually the hardest
Just a click and type some words and send it
But I can't I freeze over the button
Maybe my questions will never be answered
They probably won't be
Maybe I'll never know why
I never had a father
And why I never got to say
Happy Father's Day

What is this craziness
It's something I haven't seen
For over 7 years
But I remember it as if it was yesterday
Words running through my brain
Spilling out my mouth
The beat is so familiar
The characters look the same as ever
I remember them all
The familiar faces seem to soothe me
I'm not entirely sure why
Totally entranced as I once was
I watch on and on

The ticking clock runs slow
Time seems to slow with it
Heads nod as the professor teaches
Pencils slow as class runs long
It should have ended an hour ago
No one realizes that the clock has stopped
When will it be over?
No one knows, everyone cares
The professor looks up at the clock
Sighs and keeps teaching
Stuck at 2:55 the second hand twitches
Some one checks their watch its 4 o'clock
They try to let him know
He reprimands them
Finally he checks his own watch
It is also broken
He keeps teaching
And teaching
We go through a weeks worth of lessons
Its now 7 o'clock
Some one tries to leave
He shuts the door
Still he teaches
How I do now know
Eventually the lights go off
Now we can leave
We see him smirking as we walk away
He knew all along
He just wanted to see if we would stay
And we did
Just like good little sheep
Doing everything the shepherd says
Without a second thought
Maybe not next time though
Maybe he won't get away with it
But we are the sheep, we do not think
We do whatever he tells us to

The sun sinks down below the horizon
     What am I doing with my life?
Another day passes and turns to night
     Why am I here?
The moon rises bright and full
     Is this all that there is?
Stars are shining beneath the clouds
     How did I get to this place?
The streets are getting quieter
     Where did I go wrong?
People going to sleep and others waking up
     Am I really crazy?
Owls hoot and raccoon scratch
     *Who am I?

What once was lost
Now is found
I've away so many times
Just to come back to your embrace
The only place I feel truly safe
I no longer want to run from you
I want to stay in your presence
Thank you for your mercy and grace
I no longer have to run away
I see now I'm where I'm supposed to be
Thank you Lord for forgiving me

I used to be in the dark
But you showed me the light
You showed me that your ways are just and right
And than mine are of the world
Help me to be more like you
Sending light out to all the people
And not just holding it in, extinguishing it
Helping the poor and the needy
And everyone else I see
Help me to love everyone, even my enemies
Help me be who I am meant to be

So this is what my life amounts to
Just some words on page
No one knows me
I hide in the shadows waiting
Waiting for what, I do not know
But it will find me of that I'm sure

My life is but a wreck at the bottom of the ocean
When I went down I took many with me
Few survived to tell the tale
Though no one believed such a thing could happen
Alone I rest with the dead
No one can find me, no one knows

I tried to be who they wanted me to be
But it's so tiring living up to expectation
People expected me to fail so I showed them wrong
They expected me to drown but instead I swam
Expectations are silly things
No one can really live up to them

I've loved and lost and loved again
But will this love last
If it is indeed love, it shall
Though if its not it shall surely fail as it has before
Love is a tough thing to comprehend
I comend the people that understand and have it

People give me more sympathy than I want
In fact I don't want any at all
I tell them the sad things of my life
Only because they want me to
And they want to pity me and douse me with sympathy
I do these things to make other people feel better

My heart has been torn apart and remade so many times
Stitched and sewn, broken and smashed
Over and over again the cycle repeats
I love with my whole heart, at least what's left
And I assume that they love me just as much
Though that hasn't always been the case

Abandonment is never an easy thing
Especially for a young child to understand
People tell me that it's in the past
I know that it is, but do they?
"What's past is past and I can't go back"
That seems to be my motto for life

I look ahead and I don't see much
Not that I don't think I have a future
I just don't want to know everything that will happen
People try to plot out my life
I let them try in vain
Eventually they will find out that they can't control me

I look to the past and see wreckage
With a few glimmers of hope and light
Those few times in my life when everything seemed to be going right
But eventually they too got swallowed by doubt and darkness
I wonder what my life would be like if somethings were different
But past is past and I can't go back

My present is full of set backs and stumblingblocks
But when I fall down I get back up with avengence
I have some help from family and friends
But its not much in the end
I push forward to an unseen future
And run from a horrifying past

This my life many have seen it
People could read me like a book
But that book would be in a different language and backwards
I'm not that easy to understand
But once you get me you never go back
There are few I trust and even less I love

This is my life

When I'm with you time moves way to fast
When we're apart times seems to stand still

I want to hold your hand in mine and never let go
Yet our hands never touch yours

I want to hold you in my arms forever more
But our embraces only last a few seconds

I tell you everything, you know my darkest secrets
Yet I cannot tell you that I love you

I want to watch scary movies all night long
And cuddle as we laugh at the people walking to their doom

I want to tell the whole world of my love for you
Yet how I can I, when I don't have the courage to tell even you

Everytime I say "Goodnight"
I think "I love you." but never say it
And I don't know if I ever will
I wish I had the courage to
But my nerve fails and I delete the message
I write these poems hoping that you'll get the meaning
But I don't know if you even read them
I wish I was a bolder person
But if I was bolder, would you still like me?
My heart aches for you, but I can't know if you feel the same
I could ask but I fear that you would run away
What would you do? Would you run? Would you stay?
Questions like these plague my mind
Do they plague yours? Or are you just oblivious?
Thoughts like these race through my mind
They are the reasons why I don't say
"I love you" when I say "Goodnight"

My eyes burn and are blood shot
I blame it on allergies and makeup
I've been crying for the past hour or so
My mind and body a wreck
Searching for that one thing
Something to make me whole
To make me feel safe and secure
I found it couple times a while ago
Just to have it all torn away
So many times has it been in grasp
Only to be torn away by someone or something
I've been abandoned so many times before
How can I trust again?
There's is one person I rely on
To take all my stress and pain
Do they know?
Do they know that they are the only one?
The only one I can pour my soul out to
And trust them with my darkest of secrets

I hide behind a mask of happiness
I pretend to be someone I'm not
I ask myself "Who am I kidding?"
My answer is "Everyone but me."
Then I remember the one
The one I forget sometimes
Not on purpose but they slip my mind
They are like an extention of myself
Though we are different in so many ways
In others we are one in the same

Two sides of the same coin
Forgotten over time, lost in a world too large
I wonder if they get the same feeling
Too afraid to ask I keep my mouth shut
I don't press the enter key to the message I spent an hour writing
I delete it ashames of myself
Wondering how I can be so honest with them
Yet I can't ask a simple question
One that many people before me have asked
As I sit here now I think of it
It is always in my brain, scratching at my sanity
I can only imagine what it would be like if I asked
If I had the courage a month ago where I would be
But instead I sit here terrified to ask four words
"Do you love me?"

I've tried so hard in the past
But now I know finally at last
It ok to be me
Not everyone leaves
Its ok to let down my walls
But that's not all
I feel like I am free
I no longer doubt my identity
I feel like I can trust again
And I actually have real friends
Not just people who like the fake me
Now they see the real me
If they don't like it, they can leave
I can let go of them
There are others that love me no matter what
They love me for me

Being here with you
Reminds me of times of old
A smile creeps across my face
I try to hide it, but can't
Can things ever be the same?

The things I've done
Left you scarred
I wish I could take them back
But past is past, and I have no time machine
Can things ever be the same?

I tried to make it work I really did
But things just got out of hand
I could say I'm sorry
But that wouldn't be enough
Can things ever be the same?

Maybe it was for the best
But I feel so bad
You say its alright, but I know its not
I know you too well
Can things ever be the same?

Hearts and promises are among the most fragile of entities
It is as if they are made of glass
If you are not careful, they will break
One small slip, and they shatter
Eventually after a long and tiresome process, they can be fixed
But they will not be the same
In broken glass, there are imperfections
On what once was perfect
In a broken promise, there is scorn
Where once was trust
In a broken heart, there is hatred
In what once was full of love
All can be repaired, but none can be renewed

These cuts I make
Are small compared to my real pain
My wounds go deeper
Than any blade can cut
And they leave bigger marks
Than the simple scars
Blood flows out of my wounds
Yet I live on
My heart still pounds its steady beat
Even as I scream
My heart cries out for help
As do my lips
I will continue to cut and cry
Until at last I die

I am stuck in a prison
One without bars, but four walls and a door
With a mother for a guard
One small misstep or wrong move
And its back to solitary confinement
No contact with the outside world
All the time I think to myself
"Maybe if I'm good and work hard
I can get out early for good behavior."
I constantly get out on parole
Only to get forced back in
On false charges, or by being myself
The warden knows all, sees all
I have no privacy in my cell
My life, open to all who wish to see it
I wish to go home, but I cannot
I wish to see my family, but have limited contact
I would try to escape and be free
But at what cost?
I would be a fugitive, still imprisoned

All alone, among no crowd
I proudly salute the blue, red and white
In honor of those who still fight
And in remembrance of many lost lives
Thinking of those with families and wives
And of those that are away
At war instead of home this holiday
I lower my hand and bow my head
For every lose soldier a tear is shed
For everyone away this Christmas day
To come home safe is what I pray

On Christmas Day I stand tall and proud
All alone, among no crowd
I proudly salute the red and white
In honor of those who still fight
And in remembrance of many lost lives
Thinking of those with families and wives
And of those that are away
At war instead of home this holiday
I lower my hand and bow my head
For every lose soldier a tear is shed
For everyone away this Christmas day
To come home safe is what I pray

The pain in my heart grows evermore, all the time
Yearning to love and be loved again
I can only hope that one day I will love again
It is the only thing left that I hope for
Everything else I fear
My heart feels like it is on fire
Not the gently warming fire of love
But the hot, raging fire of hatred and pain
I try to douse this fire with tears
But alas, the fire rages on

My heart aches for you
To be with you
I wish you here
I miss you so much

I want to feel your arms around me
To snuggle all night like we used to
To feel you lips on mine
Kissing in the dark at midnight

I miss the way you held me
And made me feel better after a bad day
I miss talking all through the night
And all though the day

I miss everything about you
I want to be with you
I don't ever want to be apart
This is the cry of my lovesick heart