Since I was young,
I always dreamed of travel
I would fantasize about climbing Mt. Everest
Feeling the stinging cold of the wind hitting my face
I would fantasize about studying with the monks of Thailand
Learning how they spiritually survive
And find peace
Once I was in high school,
I protested to everyone that I needed to get away
I needed distance from my hometown
To get out of the bubble of the religion
That ran the town I grew up in
I felt high school was like being trapped in a cage
Fighting my way towards the light at the end of the tunnel
Like a prisoner, serving a 12 year sentence
Using nothing but a plastic spoon from the cafeteria
Digging myself deeper into a hole
That I knew would lead to freedom
My first year of college wasn’t any better
I learned the hard way that money really is
The only way to survive this world
And boy, it’s not easy to come by.
And no matter how hard I tried,
Something would happen to take it away
Today, I’ve done my own share of travel
I’ve gone from coast to coast of the United States
I’ve gone to California to experience the laid back community
And really become a pro on my surfing slang
I’ve gone to New York City to see how magical the city can really be
But also how easily it can take your spirits away
Today, I’m living back at home
Like I said before, money doesn’t come easy
And I still want to get away, live somewhere else and travel
Put a distance between my family and me
My religion and me
My friends and me
My past and me
But no matter how hard I try to fight it
There really is nothing
Like being back home.

remember last winter when you folded my wool socks
& whispered that my tiny feet were whimsical
i looked at you & thought the same
& i spent so many nights trying to find my mind
in the cold winter & you’d whisper
& bless me with stories from your childhood
you were a lamp post at the end of my street
& i was a doorway you always liked to hold hands with
we were delicate like that
i was smoking a cigarette
& sitting on our door post
half in love & half out of my mind
half in our home & half out of time

& you were a hot cup of coffee
on my cold paper tongue
a desolate flower crying out to be young again
i was dying on the inside
you were just dying
all the love we had laid vanquished on the pavement
soaked in my lover's blood
cars aren't supposed to collide like that

but i see you now
painting my kitchen that bright red
******* my longing bed linens
******* me
writing poems on my knee caps
counting fireflies
closing your eyes

just tell me it isn't over

My body aches for sleep.
My mind begs me to stay awake.
Tired and slow all day long.
When my head hits the pillow my mind races.
Keeping me awake.
Tired. I'm so tired,
My alarm goes off but it doesn't scare me awake
like normal.
Just calmly turn it off and get out of bed
because lets be honest
even when I hit the snooze I don't even sleep.
Laying there in silence as my body aches to sleep.
I don't want to leave my bed.
I'm worn down.
I'm so tired, it doesn't even effect me.
I'm just tired of everything.
just tired.