I want to feel this way all of the time

The way I feel when I am with you is beyond heavenly. I do not even realize the blood rushing to my cheeks when you smile. You have no idea of the joy that it brings me to see your eyes beam like green traffic lights as your lips curled upwards, please never stop smiling, I would not mind feeling this way forever. Your tussled hair and serene disposition. How could someone not want you. I watch you as you drive and wonder if this could become habitual. I have never craved a passenger seat so much.  I taught myself not to believe in love. It was only a puddle that was pretending to be as remarkable as an ocean. You will get the bottom of your jeans wet and have to walk around in little puddles after you step out, the ones that form in your socks with every step you feel the memory of water. I am not sure why you do this to me, but then again I see exactly why. You light up when you laugh, you are charming and I want to be rescued, your breathing is a melody, I could listen to it on repeat, please never stop breathing, I would not mind feeling this way forever. I know the risk but I am willing to walk on a tight rope with a blindfold if you happen to be waiting on the other side with your hand folded out. Palm sweat evaporating into the breeze, the one that is trying to trip me up and knock me over. And though this all sounds crazy, if only you knew the way you make me feel when I am with you. It is beyond heavenly.

I want to feel this way all of the time

I want to get drunk with you
Allow our intoxicated senses to take flight
Speak all the words we are afraid to say with a sober mind
For fear that we might actually believe each other
I want to fall, stumble accidentally into your lap
Let us think back on times I did it on purpose
When you pulled me into you
When things were so much easier
We are playing the same game but describing it in different words
This toy of text messages cutting into my throat
I endeavor to remember that we are only friends
I know that I should be over this by now
But I want to get drunk with you
To tell you that I am not

I want to love you better than I once did
I want to love you like a prayer that for which no words exist
I want to show you parts of me I have kept hidden, the beautiful ones
I want to brush the knots out of your hair,
work the knots out of your back
I want to hear a love song on the radio and have your face come to mind
I want to sing them to you when you are feeling alone
I want to always remind you that you are not
I want to love you like the sun rises, slowly, stretch wide
Grow taller, spend more time, give and not take
I am interested in the way you take your coffee, what makes you laugh, what makes your pupils dilate, what keeps you going on
I want to be the someone who will make you feel like the stars were a roof of a home that I built specifically for us to gaze at when eye contact was broken
I want to touch you like pen to paper
I want to breathe you in like summer air
I want to listen to your heartbeat like it is the sound of a drum
I want to love you more than anything I have ever wanted to love
But some people do not believe in second chances
If only life were a t-shirt and we could iron out the creases
I have learned that hard way that it is not
So if you ever wake up and you wonder if I still love you
I do, and I do more than I ever have before
And I want to show you
If you would only let me

I want you to call me when you're drunk
When vision is blurred and words are slurred
When your mind is running and tripping over its own feet
Throwing misspoken sentences right out of your mouth
I want you to call me
I want you to tell me that you miss me, tell me that you haven't forgotten about me yet, tell me that this drunken conversation is one you have been rehearsing for months
I would never want you to tell me these things sober
I want you to call me when you're drunk
I only want you to call me because you are lonely and are craving any sort of attention, I do not want you to mean anything that you say
I want you to call me when you're drunk
Cascade this façade all over your barstool
Run your fingers through your hair in distress and lack of affection
Call me and tell me everything on your sweet mind that I once knew
Call me and remind me of it all
And I want you to do this when you are drunk because I do not have to worry about this fight dragging on, we will settle this tonight and you will not recall it
I will able to nod my head and smile and not miss you anymore
This is the brink of intoxicated exhaustion
Call me when you are drunk
And reveal the secrets you've hid away in your heart
But I want you to wake up the next morning wondering
What spilled off your tongue, and why my name appeared lit up on your phone
I want you to call me when you're drunk
And not remember any of it
Do not call me in the morning
**Do not call me ever again

I will be with you when the downfall of your ceiling fan makes you head spin, I will catch you when you are too dizzy to stand on your own. I will dance with you when your knees can't keep still, I will remind you that everyone has days when their strength fails them. I will hold you hand even when it is sweaty, I will cradle your thoughts in my arms and listen to you when you feel like rambling on about the way clouds are taken by the wind or you wish you could fly. I will help you do the dishes and fold blankets, I will help you make our bed, I will help you when you are in need. I will let you rest when work is getting to heavy, I will play your favorite song on piano. I will be with you when the curtains open and the sunlight twists patterns across your skin. I will make you laugh with my corny jokes, I will wrap you in my arms when you body feels vacant. I will love you with all that I have. Whoever you are, I will wait for you. Whoever you are, I will love you.

I will swallow poison before I admit that I miss you
Though it is a woeful truth
I cannot bear to say it out loud
I think back on the time you once said you loved me but came to later find I was far too heavy to keep carrying in your pocket
I did not fit as well as I should have
I still do not understand the way you think
But I hope you think of me often
Remind yourself of our song we listened to on repeat
Ponder on the feeling of my fingers sliding into yours
Funny how easy it was for them to slide away
A light breeze could separate them
Lately I have been bending my fingers backwards until they break because I am slowly realizing I am incapable of holding on to things anyways
I swore I would still be standing by your side right about now but something happened somewhere along the way and I watched those plans disintegrate in the palm of these fragile hands
I will not admit that I miss you, though I dreadfully do
What I fear most however,
Is that you will wake up in the middle of the night missing me
And it will be far too late

I will still write poems about you
Even if I do not speak to you out of fear I will love you again
Even if I look away when I see you out of the corner of my eye
Looking in my direction with the hope I will turn to you
I won't
Even if the rate of my heart outruns my mind and I want to call you
I won't do that either
Because I am coming to realize that waiting on someone to love me
Is like having a noose around my neck and a stool beneath me
But I am choosing to life my feet from it, hanging myself
Putting myself through torture with hopes you will lower the rope
But you never will
So I am standing up, I am saving myself from falling into you
I will not wait around for someone who is waiting for someone else
I will not be the second choice
Even if you never come back to me
I will still write poems about you

I wonder if he misses me
I know it sounds insane because she exists
But I wonder if at night he is somehow reminded of us
The way we lingered over one another
The sweet torture for both of us
The way we wrapped up like tying a knot at boy scouts
I wonder if he has rid the remnants of our love
Or if they are held holy to his left side

Lately I have been searching for inspiration
Waiting patiently in the corner of my bedroom
I trail the walls, paint them different color in my mind
Wonder if I can write about change
I stand back in Times Square
Gaze at the lights, follow the people, count their footsteps
I wonder if I can write about the city
Then I find myself checking my phone
Email overflowing, social media always the same
And your name
I wonder if I can write about you
And I can, but I know it is only empty words
Because I know you won't read them

we can not love out loud
because hidden love is too much fun
and letting the light touch it
would be such a waste
of laughter and secrets

I would never think of writing about
how I'd rather listen to you talk about what you thought
love was
in place of making dinner
I have found myself shrinking
from lack of sufficient vitamins
and I would never think of writing about how your lips curve so splendidly when you smile
how your teeth carry a night light that brightens even the deepest darkness
I would never think of writing about how your eyes are deeper than the pacific
deeper than any ocean
ever to have existed
the blue is blinding
your eyes carry a delicious color
that reminds me of an old swing set I used to have
and I would never think of writing about love
love is something so dear and fragile
that my words do not have the capacity
to begin to attempt to explain it
love is sweet and gentle
love is not what you would expect but when you meet love,
love is not disappointing
I would never think of writing about love simply because
all I would be able to write about
is you

I saw you tonight
Suit and bow-tie, hair slicked back
You looked like Jay Gatsby
a beautiful, mysterious being
whom everyone craved to be acquainted with
We spoke for only a moment or two
I recalled a few old memories hoping
that you read between the lines and remembered too
We walked away from each other after the small talk
I walked with hope and anticipation
while you probably carried another girl's name on your lips
You were searching for a girl who was not me
and I was looking into a green light
trying to grab hold of something that did not belong to me
I miss you like the stars miss the moon
So much that it hurts me to even say your name out loud
Do not accompany my heart with hers
She has not yet fallen into your spiderweb
And I am here tangled in translucent webbing
Hoping that maybe you haven't lost interest
In someone as undeniably in love with you, as me
no matter how much it hurts

Our love is
so sweet and secret
Kept locked up behind bedroom doors
and the doors of your beat up truck
Our love is
clever woven words
trying to out-do each other
Our love is
our faces getting too close,
eye contact that last too long
Silly things that didn't exist before we created them
Our love is
the moment between breaths
the spark of a lighter
the hidden smiles
the looking
the looking away
Our love is
borderline insanity
Our love is
like nothing other
because this love
is titled

"Just Friends"

I have a problem with love
I tend to fall for people far to quickly
And not just one person
Multiple people draw me to them convincing me
That one more love story won't be so bad
My problem with love is that I love the chase
When I catch them I am often not sure what to do
Will often confuse love with other kinds of addiction
I've learned that I love the adrenaline more than the person
So I am sorry if my feet tend to wander
When you tell me that you love me
I simply do not believe the body was meant to stand still
And I know one day I will lose my urge to run
But for now, I will lace up my shoes
In hopes that you realize, the only way to make me stay is to untie them
So as I am walking away
I fall

Lately I have found myself pulling out arrows and throwing them back at cupid because although you are not supposed to pull the weapon out of the wound, I refuse to remain in this
I would rather bleed to death than drown in love

The monsters in my head are scared of love
They tremble at the thought of arrows
They are fearful of any romance
Though they are strong and frightening to many
They cannot bear the thought of something else entering my mind that does not cause their kind of pain
You see, love is gentle with the way it hurts you
It is like unraveling rope
You do realize that you are going to fall until the thickness of this cable is only a thread
The demons in my head simple rip the floor from underneath me
They do not slowly pull or pull me in and them push me off
And I do not know which I fear more
Someone who abruptly drowns me
Or someone who pretends they are teaching me how to swim

You told me that you still think about us but that it does not mean you do not want to be with someone else
And in a strange way it gives me comfort to know that you could see a girl with long black hair walking down the street or hear my favorite song on the radio or even catch the smallest trace of my scent on that old T-shirt and if it just for a fleeting moment you feel a pang longing for me somewhere in your heart
Even if it is small like a cancer cell
I wonder if it will grow
Extend this body of harm,
Poison your emotions with the stains of our love
Or if maybe her love will attack this parasite
And leave me unidentified as if I were never there in the first place
Towering over me like a building with a plane about to crash into it
The audience wonders if the pilot will turn in time
I hope she falls in love with you
And I hope she feels the silence in her bones when you kiss her
I wonder if you will think of me
Let the world whisper love letters I never sent to you in your ears
Let each letter be carved into your lips, hoping it does not stain hers enough for her to notice when she is getting ready for dinner
And I only just hope you will leave the radio on

Left and Right
Two completely different things
But my love for you
Is neither left nor right
My love for you is in between
My love for you is snow when the sun is out
My love for you is a clean house with muddy floors
My love for you is a shooting star without making a wish
Confusing maybe
But real
My love for you is is indifferent
But my love for you is real

It is years later now
You have run off to the grocery store that is just down the street
It is the kind of morning where the sun warms your cheeks as the wind bites your fingers
You shoes are laced crookedly and your glasses need to be cleaned
As you make your way up the stairs, fumbling around for the key in your pocket
The door swings open and you will see me dancing in the dim light of our apartment wearing your shirt, waiting for you to come home
Lingering in the sweet smell of lemon tea and cinnamon candles your mother gave you last Christmas
My lips curve to a smile in seeing you've made it back and I pull my hair into a bun
In making my way to the kitchen to pour us some tea, you stop me abruptly but more gentle than ever
I go to say something but before it can leave my lips you stop me
I've learned kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous
The music playing from the record player was suddenly all we could hear
Love has a funny way of turning kitchens into ballrooms as we dance in the soft light leaking from the curtains
Looking up at you, I wonder all this time how you have stayed with me
I am merely a box of broken words and silly heart scrabbled poems
And you have more light than any cosmo to ever lay a finger on the sky
I need you like God needs an eighth day
There is a kind of kiss you feel forever and I have been walking blind due to the impact
The way you touch me could dismantle the sun
So tomorrow when you leave to run off to the grocery store that is just down the street
Come home sooner

I know some things seem stronger than your own will
I know that in dim light
It doesn’t seem wrong
In dim light
You are told that you can stay here
Forever but you cant
Today it seems like this addiction
Is stronger than my own will
It seems like the window to this cold compacted bed room
will never close
Letting go is one of the hardest things to learn
and one of the least taught
I have learned that the work is never pretty
But it is the only way to build the house
I am letting go today
And I hope that as I let this go for you
That you hold on to me

I am learning that even though you love someone
It is better to leave them
If it only brings anguish on you
Casting spells that will forever bind you to misery
They will tell you to change your name
And you will want to do anything to make them love you
Because they asked you so nicely
And you are so naïve to the sound of their voice
It is like a gospel choir in an empty church hall
You are drawn to anything seemingly beautiful in isolated settings
But after all of the fun and games
There is always a loser
So I am going to travel miles and miles, leaving behind dirt clouds in my rear view mirror, throwing your name out of the window
Sort of like lighting the last match just to watch it burn
Let his face linger for just a second longer
But do not let it tattoo itself on your brain
Tattoos are not temporary
Neither is love
And I have learned that though you are permanently scarring my memory
Eventually, you will fade away
I hope that eventually
You will fade away

isn't it scary how easy it is for people to lie
for their tongue to twist and send out words
that look like broken telephone poles
how open mouths became more important
than the words that were coming out
but yet every time you would lie to me
and I saw that your words looked
just like cracked sidewalks, like broken trust
I still tricked myself into believing
that you would never lie to me
because I
*never lied to you

The crowd is full of opinions
The world is full of perfectionist
The people are full of constant desire
The books are full of fiction
The movies are full of fake true love
The news is filled with tragedy
The internet is filled with hate
But you are made of light
No matter how dark your life feels
No matter what lamps have gone out
No matter how thick the walls are
No matter how far you think you may be from an open window
You do not need one
Because
You are made of **light

I've discovered a kiss means nothing until it means everything
A spark is not authentic until there is a fire
A lighter is nothing without the fluid that makes a flame
Now all that lingers is lips on lips
And nothing more than that

So often we look behind us to check if someone if following
To check is someone is creeping
To check if someone is watching
Also common, we in front of us to see what there is ahead
To take a small peek at the future
To make advancements on your dream
Maybe it's time to look beside us
To see who are real friends are
To help those who are walking too slow
To help those who can't walk on their own

Looking at you for only a moment
Because staring too long would cause my eyes to drip like melting iron, slipping down my face and onto my neck
Seeping into my skin like a red needle
Looking at you for only a moment
It is all I can bear before the urge to caress the tips of my fingers down your back, drawing a map, creating borders that I intend to cross, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Because if I look too long my brain will check out and begin to sing like a scratched up CD
The words are so beautiful but you can hardly understand what they are saying, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Making sure to direct my attention elsewhere before you turn and see me in awe of the beauty of you
In a room full of art, I would still only see your eyes
Because although paintings are beautiful
You are so addicting
You draw me in like a child coloring outside of the lines
Stepping over the obvious boundaries but still thinking that this is how it is supposed to be
I cannot steady my hand enough to even write
I am a drunk, you are the alcohol and everything around you is the water I should be drinking but I cannot seem to get enough of the way your burn as you go down
My mouth dries at the thought of you leaving the room
Looking at you for only a moment
Then looking away but I get a sense of unease realizing that you are no longer standing across the room but in front of me
Looking at you for longer than a moment
The closing my eyes
Finally reality punches me in the face like a guy in a bar who has had one less drink than me
Angry and overwhelmed, pushing his fist into my jaw
Hearing it shatter in my ears like throwing an empty bottle at the ground you can barely stand on
I wake and realize that looking for only a moment
Is the only sensation I can reach
When you are so far away from where I am

Stay right where you are
Don't move at all
Because where you are standing
You have never looked more beautiful
And although you do not see me
I love you
And I will love you from the corner of your eye forever
If that is what it takes
To keep ths love alive
In atleast one of us

The blank canvas that we once started off with is not only bursting with color but tearing at it's seems
We have broken past brushes and finger painting, the world has shifted from slow to lethal energy
I can not seem to focus on exactly you for too long because my mind begins to cloud and images of you come in glitches
I am not sure if my mind is an old DVD player or if I refuse to stop blinking long enough to make out the proportion of your face
How when you smile your cheeks reach up ward
You eyes squint just slightly
Enough to where you could tell you're laughing but wide enough to see their color
We are not common
My love for you is nothing ordinary
This is something so deep that not even you could scratch the surface
Of how much my mind
has fooled me into believing that maybe you love me
Just as much as I love you

Loving you is so bittersweet
It is like running on a fractured ankle and thinking this will help it heal
It is like ringing the doorbell to an abandoned house an expecting someone to answer
It is the only thing that all of the songs are right about
Loving you is quiet
I could never do it out loud because the thing about unrequited love is it does not dare to speak up, it cares more for holding its breath rather than wasting it
People tell you that if you love someone, you should always tell them
But I fear that telling you something so audacious would only scare you away
And I cannot bear you leaving
I would rather love you from the corner of my eye rather than the blur from salted crystals seeing your backside as it walks away from me

Loving you is spilled wine on white carpet, permanent, staining
a constant reminder of wasted sweetness and regret,
if only I had been paying a little more attention
Loving you is texting and driving, taking the risk of calamity to direct my eyes toward a little light
Loving you is loving poison that taste like sweet tarts
Addicting, my favorite, but dangerous, only seeking my annihilation
I've given myself scars by ripping the last pieces of you from my veins
I've been wanting to write to you and to explain
in some sort of logical way why I still love you
I'm sorry I have taken so long, I just couldn't really find the right words, still I am using the wrong ones
And I am sorry for that as well
My heart is still handcuffed to yours
But your love is too deep to let go of
It's the absolute surface that no living thing can touch
It's impossible to avoid
Seemingly ridiculous to want to push away from
Please don't let me slip away
Loving you is like holding onto a flame
Something not meant to be touched
Harming anything it's way
Yet so beautiful that you can't help but reach out to it
You are my flame
And I will reach to you
And you will never fail to burn me
**Every time

Loving you is my favorite mistake
One I would never take back
Although I have kept up this act, that it wasn't a problem
I know it was a bad decision on my part
But I do not care
I will love you even more
Because our hearts never worked well with erasers
And I think that mistakes like these
Turn out looking a lot better
Than the way we're "supposed" to be
Kind of like changing the ending to a bad movie
You'll thank us later

Loving you is so sweet
like the delight in finding something you lost
after you've looked forever
and become accustomed to the fact
that is was forever gone
Loving you is so sweet
if I could blush any harder
the blood would spur from my cheeks
How you make me feel
makes my heart flutter with wings
that never go the speed limit
You are the compelling reason
I seem to always crave a little risk
because why live life in the middle
when there's an edge
Loving you is so sweet
but the process is slow
like learning to play an instrument
knowing that through it all
every endeavor, every new discovery
we are making something beautiful
Loving you is so sweet
You seem to somehow occupy
every empty room in my mind
Every vacant space is filled with the memory of you
Your smile is tattooed on my brain
Loving you is so sweet.
So when I arrive at your house tonight
and you try to pick out the perfect shirt and tie
Just know that I am not worried about what you will wear
or how much the food is going to cost
or if my make up smears and my hair frizzes
Loving you is so sweet
That it is understood that
all other things
sand behind that sweetness

I have been trying to love you slowly
Like painting a picture
Exercising each color
Mixing different ones
Covering over mistakes
Learning from them
Loving you slowly
Like learning to ride a bike
Starting with training wheels
Until I can balance myself
On my own
Loving you slowly
Like writing a book
Using metaphors
Fixing the grammatical errors
Learning that each and every word
Has a deeper purpose
Loving you slowly
Like using a needle to dig through
A granite wall
Like emptying the ocean
Using only a teaspoon
Like putting out a forest fire
By spitting on it
Loving you is a slow process
I want to realize the significance
I want to focus on every detail
I want to keep this love alive
For as long as I can bear
I know that we are not to the point
Of calling this love

But slowly, oh, so slowly
I know we will get there

There are days I don't have maps for
Days I stray from the path with no direction or destination
Moments where my mind wanders far from its assigned seat
I am not alone in this and I know it
We are mad, you and I
Our brains move effortlessly away from principal locations
We dance on burning coals because we think it will grant us a lighter step
We sing the songs our mother listened to because maybe she will come back just to sing along
We breathe in cigarette smoke to suffocate the dreams inside of us because surely, they are impossible to reach, just like your mother always said
There are days I don't have maps for
There are days where I don’t need them

I want to describe to you everything that you are
So you will consider
Letting us redefine what it means to start over
We can relay the foundation better this time
We can stand beneath the sky and wait for the planets to shape themselves around my newly intertwined bodies
You are the first drop of rain in a hurricane
You are the misunderstood tragedy
You are striking lightning slicing open the dark with luminous allure
You are coloring everything outside the lines
You are the poem everyone feels they should reread
You are the stem from a root planted in the belief that you have done something wrong in some way
You have not done anything wrong
I want to show you everything I failed to reveal before
Open new doors, let the cool breeze some in from my bedroom window, anything to make you want to stay here
My world is waiting for you to set it on fire
So whenever you're ready
Tell me that you miss what it feels like
To light a match

The dawn cracks the sky like his words tearing through your skin this is dancing in the suns intoxicating rays
It beams down, light reflecting off the water you thought of drowning yourself in
And for a moment everything is simple
The race of the world slows down, the bullet stands still in the air
Defying gravity, your heart is no longer trying to rip out of your chest
The oxygen you are breathing goes easy into your lungs
The heaviness decreases, something has lifted the weight
And you wonder why it cannot feel like this all the time
When dusk falls there is something that triggers inside of you
Your mind wanders into a forest lit only by the light in his eyes
This used to be a place so beautiful when he was yours
But as he trails away holding someone else's hand
This maze has become all the more difficult
You can never truly say that you are okay because deep down you are enveloped in an agony that words cannot capture
They say that things have to get worse before they get better
But I have never heard of their being a ladder at the bottom of the pit
This desolation seems eternal and I cannot bear to look at you without my chest having a plane crash into it
And the smoke is hindering my ability to breathe
I wonder if you are lost too
I wonder if you are looking for me
As I am looking for you

He was a summer rain
Heavy falling, warm
Whispers me to sleep and wakes me up again
He was the kind of beautiful that only wandered in once in a lifetime
You had to know exactly what you were looking for to find him
And you had to wait for him sometimes
Walking out of his front door, grinning
Backwards baby blue hat and sneakers
He was never conventional
He wore a broken watch that he stole from you and technically it wasn't stealing because you offered to let him keep it, maybe it was because you never wore it and it didn't fit your wrist or maybe you just wanted to see his skin glow under the admiration of his new gifted accessory
He was an autumn breeze
Giving you enough chill for goosebumps and a light jacket
But not enough to have to double up on socks
He and you share a hot chocolate and a cigarette on the hood of your car
The weight of the world blows in the wind and he smiles at you
Stirring a storm within your stomach but you swear it's just the weather
He was a spring flower
Blooming into existence
Growing older, wiser, never losing sight of what he wanted
He was the nicest person you had ever met
Compliments fell off of his tongue as if he did not have to force them, it was his second language
He was lovely in the early hours of the morning, gentle and sincere
He was dizzy, lighthearted, half open eyes, drifting in and out of sleep
Counting every shade of blue in his eyes just until they closed again
So you would start over
Sometimes
He was a winters night
Drowsy, drowning in his cognitive activities
He let himself go, he sat in the dark, decorated with trembling candle wicks and your favorite song playing
And he wrote songs about lost love and misunderstood emotion
Convince himself he is gentle enough to touch the trigger without pulling it
He was seasons of tenderness, unfolding, flying like a paper airplane
Bending at the knees, blushing, beaming, spinning words around in your head as your thoughts come undone
He was perfect to you
But you didn’t know how to love him
It was hard to convince your heart to hold on to something when it has grown so accustomed to letting go
Never grasping the concept on how to stay in one place
It always liked the chase
Running towards and then away from
It was a game they could only win if they decided not to play
It was a life of solitude and confusion, it was the only way you knew
And he deserved better
But he never left
Checking his broken watch while sitting on a wooden bench, it was as if time had stood still
And he hadn't been waiting at all

I want to describe how it feels to miss you
But I am not sure how to explain a sensation so serene
I miss you like plants miss rain in a drought
Thirsty for the only thing that can truly save them
I miss you like a mother misses her child on their first day of kindergarten, thinking they can do without them for a while but missing their constant presence
I miss you like an ex-alcoholic misses shots of whisky
I miss you in the morning and during the day
I miss you in the small moments when I'm busy and in the dull moments when I have nothing but time to miss you more
Even when I know I will see you soon
I miss you now, I miss you and I wish I could see you a little more
And maybe miss you a little less

There's something different about how I feel
It's not really infatuation so to say, it’s a lot of pain
It's not the same as it once was
Before this, I never really had a hope
I didn't have a memory to hold on to because it wasn’t as vivid
Nowhere as near as vivid as this
I guess I missed understanding the meaning of love
I've learned that love is not someone who makes you happiest
But the one that makes you feel the most
The one who can conduct your heart to drum the loudest
I becomes so easy to think on it to the point where his love is boiling and possible and suddenly  becomes so close
It isn't
You are simply playing tricks on yourself again
You silly little girl
He is never as close as you think he his
Never closer to you, only her
So as you down your 4th shot of cheap liquor
Leave the image of him smiling in the toilet
When you wake up you will feel empty and aching
Do not regret anything, remember, being drunk is the only way
To numb his touch from the valleys he made in your back
To numb every hole he burned into your skin
To numb every cut that his gliding fingers made as they traced your body
You are nothing special
And you never were

I know you have known heartache
Had coffee with your pain, sat down with your loneliness
You are not a stranger to darkness
Your mind wanders under this umbrella
Shielded away from love
And you feel so much
Your body tenses at the mention of her name
Your heartbeat quickens, palms sweat, knees twitch
It is as if you have a disease
Love sick, as they call it
She is the only one you can talk with about the shade of a cloud
Or the dreams you had last night
But you don’t tell her that she was in them
For fear it would scare her
You are careful with what you say
Because it is easy to come on too strong
Because you have never known weakness in love
You let her hear your music and she sings for you
But never to you
You imagine kissing her
It is patient and impossibly slow
Your ecstasy is her lips, she is the drug you can't stop craving
You have considered rehab
Finding someone else
Venturing into the unknown oblivion, falling on your face
You are not nervous around other people
So you must not be over it yet
You must not be ready to let go
You do not feel anything unless you are with her
You are confused on how to love her this way
How to maneuver around being her friend
You wonder if the feelings will ever be returned
If she will look at you like you do her
Like you are the moon and the stars
The sun, the solar system
The atmosphere holding all of the air she needs to breath
You wonder if she will miss you like you do her
Unsteady, walking around her room
You is not answering her phone
Worried if you are alright, if you are thinking of her
Panicked at the thought of you with someone else
If your hands have touched another warm body
If their body reminds you more of the summer than she does
You wonder if you will ever be able to walk away
If you will one day come to the realization that you are wasting your time and that she will never love you like that
But more often than not, you wonder if she will

There is nothing worse than being in love but having to leave anyways
Knowing that he is still waiting at the door, knowing that you will always be invited inside
But still, you never visit
Because moving away is not just a change of address
So don't make me ruin it by saying it out loud, just tell me you love me and wave goodbye
I cannot bear to hear the words so whisper them if you must
And I understand you think it is foolish of me leaving
You think perhaps love is greater than childhood dreams
But my plane is about to leave, the gate is closing
I'm sorry but I have to go

In a shady garage that lays down a long driveway, an old man sits, hands on his knees, and smile as big as ever. He smiled as if it was the only thing keeping him alive
He told stories of when he was in high school, the dumb things he and his friends did and how each dumb thing had a later lesson that impacted who he became
He looks down at his hands and smiles once more, lighter this time and more gentle. Like someone when the bottled up anxiousness starts boiling over in a quiet room. He says, "I used to think that life was about conquering the world but now that I'm older I learned it wasn't worth conquering, it was more about enjoying it, appreciating it."
He paused for a moment. I imagine he was thinking of times when he didn't. When he wasted away his integrity and watch his pride shatter on the floor. When his hands trembled with fear over something he wasn't sure he really regretted.
As the tension evaporated, slipped through wet footsteps from wet feet getting out of the pool, he smiled again
He smiled like it was he only thing keeping it alive
And now looking back, perhaps it was

Some of my best poems
are ones about you
and I am not sure
if I should apologize
or thank you for that

If you are not recovering you are dying
A phrase I have taken to heart
Tattooed on every bone of this skeleton inside of me
Despite its harshness, it's beyond true
If you are not recovering you are dying
Naturally, it didn’t offend me until I learned it was supposed to
I often sit and think of you for hours on hours
Wasting my time, as most people do on thinking of those they love who do not love them in return
It is the bittersweet past time of humans
Coffee shops are stained with more than coffee stains
I wonder how many chairs I've sat in that held someone else broken off of the ground
I wonder how many salt water lakes I have walked over when approaching the barista
My coffee burns my tongue
But no other feeling lingers worse on my mouth than the feeling of your lips
I have taken understanding that love does not mind giving scars
Remorse was never it's best attribute to conscience
We must know that in the midst of something wonderful chaos is making blueprints
Planning attack like a predator that has not eaten for days due to the winter
Nutrients to keep it alive have been hiding in trees and under snow
It is the middle of December and I ache for nothing more than your warmth
No amount of coats and sweaters can comfort me like your arms
Wrapped around me like a Christmas present
My coffee burns my tongue
But the flame of his words pressed against my skin
I do not love you anymore
Does not amount to the physical distress my body undergoes
My coffee burns my tongue
And I have not eaten because I am too full of a love
How strange it is to feel so empty but so unable to consume
Like a vase with no flowers
I am waiting for something beautiful to offer me meaning
And though waiting is not deemed to be the worst
The hands of my clock are leaving bruises on my wrist
My coffee burns my tongue
But in a few hours, it will heal
And I will taste cold coffee as the heater in my car warms my hands
If you are not recovering, you are dying
And at this point, I fear I will not see tomorrow
The dew on my window will not meet the ashes from my cigarette
Tomorrow I will not make it out of bed
Tomorrow I will not go downstairs and make coffee
It will not burn me
Cause I fear I will already have burned out

The backyard fence stares me in the face
Pushing each splinter into my hands
I read its cracks like my grandmother's favorite novels
I want to see each footnote that was left there for someone else
The worlds "a wall never stopped anyone"
Are carved into the third post
I look down at my hands
They are shaking with blood and I cannot wipe them off
For the fear that these splinters will seep deeper into my skin
My life holds an uncertainty to it
Grips every piece of lust in its hands
Pulls it in, through my rip cage
Does not care if it cracks on its way inside
Anyone would drive through a locked gate
If something that they needed was behind it
I try to lie to myself often
Convince myself that this is only a little set back
That everything will be okay eventually
But I have found that repeating these words after every falter
Is getting very old
It only seems to get worse
I was told once that God does not show you the whole staircase
Only the first step
And I am trying to live by this
Trying to take one step at a time
But I have been climbing for years and I feel it decaying beneath me
I am only waiting for the tipping of the cup
A feather can break a bridge if it has endure enough
The backyard fence stares me in the face
I realize that I have not done anything in my life
Worth telling stories about
But I want to oh so badly
I want to leave this world with a backpack
One that carries every memento, every scrapbook, picture frame
I want to show my grandchildren the novels I have written
For them to read, see the footnotes
As if they had written them
Themselves

I want to write about my grandmother's hands
And how they have performed through life
Maneuvering with wooden spoons as steam permeates into her skin
Worn and wrinkled but still beautiful
Scrubbing stubborn leftovers off of glass plates
Tucking in weary children in dim lighting
Crawling into bed, gripping the end of the covers, pulling them over herself, keeping warm in winter weather
Wrapping herself up, placing her hands under the cold pillow
These hands have mirrored warriors
Marched like marines, held other hands, they have been kissed
They have been clenched into fists
They have been burned by aluminum pans
Slaving away for her family
These hands only want the best for you
These hands have wiped away tears
These hands have trembled at what they could not prevent
My grandmother's hands are still at work
The longest career imagined, laboring through the world
Layering themselves in survival
Her hands have experienced life in many different ways
And I will continue to read them like a story book
Until they go cold

I was born August 11th at 10:58 am
Being born on this day, means I am a Leo
I read my horoscope religiously even though I do not even know what a zodiac sign actually is
I'm 5'5"
I couldn't live without green tea or coffee
And I'm a sucker for a boy with a nice smile and good posture

I am still learning how to speak up
I often keep my mouth shut when I'm expected to talk
And talk when I am expected to keep my mouth shut
My eyes are constantly scanning for possibility
My arms are reaching for experience
I do not believe most things unless I have tested it
Theories were never my best attribute to the conversation

I am a handful
Most people who have known me for a while warn other people to stay behind the caution tape
My life was never a pretty journey
I tend to make most of my problems bigger than they actually are but when people ask I say they are only small things that need a little tweaking

I am taken by my failures and astounded by my fears
I often wish I did not have any at all
Although, I do, I fear almost everything
I fear what I know
I fear what I don’t know
Secretly, I get really nervous when people stand close enough to hear me breathing
I am irrational and complicated
I apologize for things I shouldn't
And I often find myself wanting to cry but never allowing myself to because I see it as a sign of weakness

I am dangerous in the setting of love
The idea of it is so beautiful, but nothing that should ever belong to someone like me
I fall in love so easily
And also out
I love the chase but I do not know that to do once I catch them
I find that this is something I need to apologize for but never do

My name is Alexis
I love frozen yogurt
And laughing at my own jokes
Even if I am the only person laughing (which is most of the time)
I am insecure about my body, my personality, my laugh even
I smile even when I am not actually happy

My hobbies include:
Worrying about my future
Hiding behind a silicon mask
And waiting for someone to tell me I am beautiful without it

I sometimes lay down, not because I am tired or craving affection or  because my back hurts
I sometimes lay down, because I can hear my heart beat
so clearly when I do
I can almost see it bursting from my chest
I know God has something else for me
Because each and every time I lay down
My heart never fails to remind me, I am still alive
There must be a reason for that
I believe that there is a reason for that

My Honest Poem:
I was born August 11th at 10:58am
Being born on this day, means I am a Leo
I read my horoscope religiously even though I do not even know what a zodiac sign actually is
I'm 5'5"
I couldn't live without green tea or coffee
And I'm a sucker for a boy with a nice smile and honest eyes

I am still learning how to speak up
I often keep my mouth shut when I'm expected to talk
And talk when I am expected to keep my mouth closed
My eyes are constantly scanning for possibility
My arms are reaching for experience
I do not believe most things unless I have tested it myself
Theories were never my best attribute to the conversation

I am a handful
Most people who have known me for a while warn other people to stay behind the caution tape because
My life was never a pretty journey
I tend to make most of my problems bigger than they actually are but when people ask I say they are only small things that are simply no big deal

I am taken by my failures and astounded by my fears
I wish I did not have any at all
Although, I do, I fear almost everything
I fear what I know
I fear what I don’t know
Secretly, I get really nervous when people stand close enough to hear me breathing
I am irrational and complicated
I apologize for things I shouldn’t
And I often find myself wanting to cry but never allowing myself to because it is step down on the food chain

I am dangerous in the setting of love
The idea of it is so beautiful, but nothing that should ever belong to someone like me
I fall in love so easily
And I am still not sure if this is a curse or a blessing
I get carried away by promises that not some do not intend on keeping
Including my own
I am sorry that grip is so fragile, I am working on getting stronger

My name is Alexis
I love frozen yogurt
And laughing at my own jokes
Even if I am the only person laughing (which is most of the time)
I am insecure about my body, my personality, even my laugh
I smile even when I am not actually happy
Although recently I have discovered what it feels like
To really smile
Certain people are teaching me new things such as how to be truly happy
And I do not intend on letting them lose
I hope they do not intend on slipping away when I am not looking

My hobbies include:
Worrying about my future
Writing poetry about people I never intend on reading to them
And wanting to someone to show me I am beautiful without the words

I have found myself lying down a lot lately and not because I am tired or
craving affection or because my back hurts
Or because I feel like staring at the my ceiling
I sometimes lay down, because I can hear my heart beat so clearly when I do
I can almost see it bursting from my chest
I know God has something else for me
Because each and every time I lay down
My heart never fails to remind me, I am still alive
I am still a living and breathing piece of art
My life is a large canvas that still has a lot more work to be done on it
And I do not intend on leaving it as a rough draft
I am still mixing colors, trying to find one that best fits me when I am around you
When I make this discovery
You will be the first person I call
I promise

I struggle to have a good life and by this I do not mean a happy one, I am happy, I simply mean I want to live a life I can be proud of and lately my mind has been caught in a fishing net with every corner having loose truths and conned dispositions, I dream of a life with nirvana, with such a profound amount overwhelming peace you can hardly stand it.
I have a special skill of feeling a lot when I probably shouldn't and feeling nothing when I should.
I still mix up left from right and often forget where I am going while trying to figure out where to turn next
I still mix up my rights from my wrongs
But I am writing my wrongs and hoping that doing so will help in the process of correcting them, forgiving myself for them
I am a hopeless romantic with the absolute potential to be alone the rest of my life
When love finds me, I am terrified
Staring in the face of commitment is beautiful but a risk I am often not willing to take
It thrills me when people say they do not love me anymore, it burns like a fire in my stomach and I sometimes confuse the likely possibility that other people are not thrilled by this
I think a breeze could feel like a hurricane if it hits you at the right time
I am learning to control myself and taking only what I need from the world
I am still baffled by the fact and also completely terrified at how when I look him in the eyes I never fail to be reminded of you
I will sometimes lay out to watch the stars at night but regretfully I do not even do this for my own enjoyment anymore I do it to think of you, I ask myself if you look at the sky for the same reasons
I have been told I am an open book, running through pages as if a strong breeze was rolling by, emptying all of the things carved into my skin, from by passers, best friends, ex lovers, strangers, blowing each syllable off the page
My mother has always been right and I always knew she was
I am stubborn and have a hard time moving my opinions or motives
I am slowly learning why natural disasters are given human names
I find myself wanting to catch your thoughts like raindrops on my hands and watch them dissolve, your words are a hurricane in themselves
I like flushed red cheeks and cold fingers warned by a fire
I enjoy watching attempted sweet talk however I am never sure how to respond to it
And no I do not drink to forget about other people's mistakes, I drink to forget about my own
I sometimes scream at the mirror, it is one of the safest ways I could think of to take out anger on myself
There is a pen connected to my mind and I often wish the people in books were real
And I love this world with all of my heart and I love life, I want to crawl under every tree, dance on every mountain, swim in waterfalls, drown myself in this world's excellence
Paint my body with it's colors, wash my skin in it's prayers, listen to it's music and let is resonate in my mind until it reigns in my brain when silence is too loud
I like opening doors more than closing them, I open too many and twist my mind into patterns I am alice trying to find her wonderland but there are no maps for the unknown
We have no yet crafted directions in desolate places because no one visits but I do
I need adventure to grow
And I am growing

My love is a building
The foundation beneath it was laid carelessly
Workers smoked and drank, they were unaware and sweetly intoxicated
My love is a building decaying in rain or snow
It cannot withstand such trouble
It is a strong yet fragile house
A lovely uncouth prison, a clumsy little girl's doll house
My love is a building
It is hidden and silent like folding a sheet of tissue paper
With every winter storm, it shivers in the wind
I am sorry to my love
For not taking care of you
The wallpaper withers, falls onto your creaking wood floors
As dust gathers in the basement
Laying particles of the atmosphere over old pictures and mementos
I still have your necklace
And I will hang myself with it around my neck
From the stairwell  
Because everything else in this house
Is falling apart anyways