Love as thin as water
As bitter as gasoline
As numbing as anesthesia
As calming as ocean tides
As captivating as the night sky
As addicting as chocolate
As addicting as it gets
Love for me, has just been alcohol
Because it is the only love
That somewhat loves me back
And if not, makes me believe it anyways

Every painting starts with a white canvas
Threaded blank pages layed out and begging for color
A tool dipped in dark blue
Brushing on a dark sky, yellow making stars
Swirling constellations into words for astronomers to write about one day
Adding in flaming orange to represent the sunset that has now faded
But never washing the brush clean and they call it fresh
There are some paintings that never are seen
Imagine the most beautiful piece of art
And realize that there may be one out there you have yet to discover
Think of your love life this way, as I have been trying to do
Though you have seen the outline of their body
And the way their hair burns in the sunlight that leaks through the window, open blinds letting in flaming gold
It reminds you of their hands
How they drip chrome raindrops all over the canvas of your body
You will feel beautiful and as if no one has ever truly been such an immaculate artists in sketching escape plans on your back that you thought were future paths you two would walk together
Realize that there are other artists out there
You have not seen the most beautiful piece of yourself yet
Because a true artist never hides his work
Every painting starts as a white canvas
So wipe yourself clean
And wait for someone who does not use old brushes on new paintings

I was a canvas, the side of a building, a vacant bedroom wall in a new house
Love painted over me
Each kiss, red
Each smile, yellow
Each fight, dark blue
Every look, green
Every touch, mix colors, purple
Swirling in constellations for astronomers to decipher one day
Splashing on flaming sunsets for children to gaze at all of its glory
Sketching trees for lovers to carve their initials in under its shade
I was the sky beyond the clouds, I was the ground beyond the soil
I had it all when you held the paintbrush
I have never known someone to love me like this
And now that it is over
I am having a hard time
Putting up this new wallpaper

On their knees they beg for security, comfort, lust
Takes over their body, aching for affection without authentic feeling
One night stand painted golden, framed for friends to dazzle at the stories
Where the girl was just drunk enough to go home with you
She lost her keys, slipped into your pocket, under your arm slurring confused directions
Taxi cab drivers lost business when men discovered payment other than money
Standing at the front door smiling, lingering in hopes to be invited inside
Oh darling you look just beautiful enough to undress
Songs from the garden blossoming under his reign
She is dancing in the unknown foreshadowing of a casualty
Because waking up alone often hurts more than the hangover
The bed remains cold and *****, littered with earthquake memories
She does not remember taking off her clothes
She does not remember because she did not do it herself
This disease in minds of girls that they are only worth as much as their body can supply
Spreading like an epidemic often caught by sitting on any barstool, passenger seat, dance floor
Bedroom with pretty strangers who cannot withstand a night away from home
Bleeding out the crippled reasons as to why he left before morning
Searching for a phone number, business card, letter
And sometimes the easiest thing to find is reality

I sit in the November congelation
Hair risen on my skin, shivering under its frigid grip
The wind whispers a name and I cringe beneath the thought of you
And how if you were here I wouldn't be so cold
Your touch warms my skin
I shake my head in effort to clear the memory of your hand in mine
But there are very few things that can distract such a one sided love affair
I think of your burnt caramel dark brown hair falling over your forehead
Pale skin softened by the light of the rain
Eyes, green peering right through me
And that mouth that turned up corners in curiosity
You are an eternal misconception
I guess I have fallen in love with the idea of you loving me again
I know we existed once in a different lifetime
A few months ago where maybe we were meant to be together
But pieces of us have died since then and I'm not sure if we'll fit together anymore
And I know I have to stop trying to make us
You unraveled my inner dandelion,
Watched me dance on the night sky,
Helped me befriend the moon
I was so in love with you
Let me today show that I can do something right
I can love you better, I can love you and show you more
Endeavor with the deepest parts of me, spill open my heart
Open this book and read it to the end
I want to keep you safe, I want to keep you here
Even fragile hearts are strong enough to hold on to something as big as love
Your beauty punctured my soul and there is no antidote
Sometimes the only cure is the thing that infected you in the first place
Is it wrong to want to be centered when we are so unbalanced
You speak to me like a flightless bird, wounded and nearing extinction of emotion
You are the sweet whisper that is selling the promise of love but never actually delivering
You are swearing that everything will be okay but never doing anything to help me
I've learned that love comes when love feels it should, even when it is wrong
I have been re-watching old memories in hectic static and the rewind button isn't working
They say that time heals everything
But what am I supposed to do when it feels like the hands of my clock have arthritis
I remembered the last time he arched his mouth in my direction
He smiled the way Lucifer might smile, moments before he fell from heaven
Then, he stood straight up, shut my car door
The sound of the door slamming shut was as loud as a cannon firing in my ears
I was so oblivious to your discreet malevolence
I never in a lifetime would have imagined you
The unwoven leather material rubbing warm, gentle against my skin
Comforting me when fear was at my grip
The driven wonderland filled with my favorite songs
The happy hearted musician who played them for me
The open book, turning page, signed off, detailed, immaculate
The one person I could see myself loving for the rest of my life
You are the one who made me so unsure if it was one worth continuing

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much

There is something about being numb that is addicting
It is, sometimes, the only real way to not feel the pain
There is numbing medicine that we have all heard of
Anaesthesia, which means 'loss of sensation'
It is used to induce sleep, which prevents pain and discomfort
We have no problem with people using this to numb
Alcohol is my anaesthesia
It numbs my body, it numbs my mind
It pulls me into another time zone where the hands on the clock move faster
But everything else around you moves slower
All you can do is focus on the next drink coming
Rather than the pain being inflicted on you that made you go out in the first place
We all are addicted to numbing
Some sleep, some get drunk, some get high,
We all cannot deny the sweet flavor of feeling nothing
The needle piercing your skin but only feeling the cold, not the sting
The liquor scratching itself down your throat but loving the burn
Igniting a wild fire in your mouth, going down a ***** rubbed with gasoline
Numbness is an obsession
There's something so beautiful in the art of forgetting things
Even if it only be for a few hours
Alcohol dehydrates you, leaving you dizzy with a mind like a static TV
I would rather feel empty from alcohol
Than empty in the bed that we used to sleep in together
I would rather be numb in a bed next to a boy that I do not know
Rather than feeling all the glass I've stepped on walking away from you pressing into my skin while lying in bed alone

Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
When I am drowning in obscurity
And my façade falls on the ground
And shatters like a glass picture frame
Even when my blood turns thinner than water
Swimming in alcohol, wading in the diluted pool
Even when I stumble
Tripping over myself
I am a hand grenade
If you touch me the wrong way
I will lose it all
I will give myself up to you
Surrender like a body on a cross
Succumb to this eager craving
That only alcohol makes me acknowledge
Shoving it in my face
Reminding me that I still love you
Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
I will always be able to run to you

What I've learned is you can never be too careful
You think that everything is fine
You think that no one will ever know
How many walls have been built and
Knocked down inside of your head
You can never keep something hidden forever
No matter how careful
All secrets will step into the light
Eventually

Lately, I have been discovering how to be happy
I am experiencing tiny moments of blissful peace
I am learning to stand without anyone else's help
I am looking beyond the ruins of my old habits
And heading straight towards the reconstruction
Making new blue prints now and using brighter colors
This process is slow, it's true
It will not be a quick recovery
Being in the dark so long, too much light can be blinding
But I am not turning around
In fact, I regret those times where I have chosen darkness
I have wasted too much time not being happy
But I have found that once you find real joy
It is hard to walk away from
I am getting better at smiling when people expect me to
And not wanting to cry as often as I did
My reflection is looking more beautiful than it has in a long time
I have discovered that the greatest beauty secret
Beyond make up and fitness and money
Is being happy
When you truly have something to marvel about
Your complexion clears, your eyes reflect light
Your smile is like the eastern sunrise that occurs after a long night of rain
So thank you to everyone who has helped me here
For picking me up despite my heaviness
Despite my occasional refusal to stand
Despite my sporadic mood swings where I am upset beyond real reasoning
Thank you
For not letting go of my hand as I swore I was fine
You will never truly realize all that you have done
And I don’t know if I ever want you to
Just know that I am thankful beyond all words

There is something peaceful about being alone
I have learned that I don’t need anyone to complete me
I have learned that some puzzles can still be just as beautiful with a few missing pieces
And maybe one day I will find them
But for today, I am by myself
And I am okay with it as ever

I know it is foolish of me to want love after all I've done
I've betrayed past lovers with the lies that seemed reasonable enough to believe
I've doubted every relationship I've had
I've lost touch with authenticity and now my soul aches to touch some something real
Anything that is certain, anything that is palpable
I crave affection but I lose hold of it as soon as it boils over because I am afraid of being burned
I have been trying to conclude why love is such a tough subject for me
Trying to figure out how something so beautiful can be so ugly in the wrong light
When did black and white become so grey
There is no intermediate in love
There is no middle road
There is one path or the other
You can be infatuated with every person you see or be hopelessly devout to a single person
There has never been an effortless love story
I know, I know that is it foolish of me to want love after all I have done
But I've noticed that no matter how many cavities you have, it does not make you lust after sweetness
Any less

It is easy to worry
About almost everything
Clothes, appearance, love
We tend to find a problem
In all things
But I have discovered that worrying
Is like a treadmill
You are tiring yourself out
But you're also staying in one place

Raindrops think they are flying until they hit the ground
Soaring like an eagle, oddly in love with the feeling of going down
But hitting bottom is like no other disappointment
When morning comes you will realize
You were not flying at all, you were descending
Sliding down a rope of oxygen and demolishing at the impact
The concrete will never feel so cold
And you will wonder why you let him slip into your sheets
Keeping you warm, soaking yourself into him like wet cement
Only until he climbs out
And you will have to act as if it were only a change in weather
A punchline that you saw coming
Do not look eager to hold him again, if he felt the same
He wouldn't have gotten up in the first place
I am only a raindrop
I used to think I could fly until morning hit
Sobriety found its way in and the hangover was nothing like this emptiness
I have hit the ground and now I am only hoping to evaporate again
And fall into every piece of air that you blew into me

Understanding what we feel
Is so difficult
And other people asking
Assume that it is so easy to decipher
When in reality,
Words will never be enough
To truly describe the maze-like riddles
Going on in your head

I wish I knew what you were thinking
Wish I could crawl inside of your head
Dissect your thoughts, decipher your fears
Know what all of this means
Know the reason behind every text message
I spend hours searching for a prophetic sign in your words and I am aching to take it back to when it was simple
I didn’t have to use a magnifying glass to see the love
It was not hidden
I often find myself picking up my phone just to know what it feels like to put it down
I tell myself this
I have been trying to claw the rested drop of lonely from my throat
But it is sewn in like a patch on a pair of blue jeans
It is hiding my skin for fear if I fall I will hurt myself
I am homesick for a heartbeat and green eyes
I wish I knew what you were thinking
If there is still something there
If you still love me, don’t just assume I don't

Lately, due to lack of sleep and immense heartache
I have been drinking more coffee
In attempt to avoid dreaming of you because it is so brutal
You are still here with me
Or you are on your way back
But when I wake, you are doing neither of those two things
This is my skin, not yours, and yet you are still under it
I am well aware of the blood running through the tunnels under the sheets of my skin
But I am not sure how they work
And I am not sure of why I still love you after you told me there was nothing left here for me
And yet I keep returning to see if you have changed your mind
You see, my definition of love
Is going back to an abandoned home everyday
And finding vast vacant spaces but still searching every corner, bedroom, kitchen cabinet, for a clue
And though each day, you find nothing
You think that today is going to be the day
That they may have left something behind on where you can find them
But you do not want to be found, you do not need to be
Sometimes, in just the right lighting
I can see the your tall figure standing in my room looking at pictures I've hung on the wall
Sometimes, I spend so long thinking of you
I don't realize that the music has stopped or that the wine is gone or that it's 4am again
How terrible is it that 95% of the ocean is undiscovered and I wish it was like that with you
But I know everything about you
The things that make you cringe, certain noises that make your ribcage shutter
Certain smells that bring back a memory of your grandfather at Christmas
And I am tired of hearing the same song play over again in my head
I am tired of spilling your name out all over my mattress in a drunken sickness in the middle of the night
I am tired of hiding myself behind drunken nights that are as never as fun as they sound
I am so tired
So in essence of oblivion, in grace of all distraught love poems, in complement to the sound of his voice replaying itself on my car radio
I will fix myself one more cup of coffee
Because I just can't bare going to sleep
I can't bare slipping away from reality any more than I already have

"Stay for just a while," I say, "just for tonight, we can make this work if you give me a chance."
He sits there quietly looking down at his hands, he glances at the watch I gave him for his birthday
"Okay, fine," he manages
I reach across the table to grab his hands, he reluctantly lets me in
Tomorrow I know he will leave with the taste of coffee that was not sweet enough branded on his tongue
I did not put enough sugar to make him want to stay here
Tomorrow he will walk out as if he never knew me, as if I were a stranger he glanced at on the street
But for now, I curl up in his arms and kiss his neck just before he falls asleep
"We could make this work," I mumble, "I swear we could."
I want to stay in the crevice between his chest and arm forever
He drifts to sleep and slowly I am fatigued but refuse to rest
I do not want to waste any of the time I have the chance to look at you
Tomorrow he will pack his bags and say goodbye
It will be as if we never shared a thing together
The late night phone calls of you telling me how when you got home late, your parents were asleep
The lingering of our lips as our breath stood hot and still in the space between us
"I have to go now," he will say, "please try to understand."?and I will try to understand but I just can't
The light beaming in from the kitchen window has never looked so grim
I try to think of a way to convince him that the weather is too bad to walk outside
But it isn't, it's beautiful out and he has every reason to leave me
I thought that if I told him I missed him, that I wanted this one more time
That everything would turn around and that he would say he still loved me
He shuts the door behind him and I have never felt it more
That he doesn't

One who** kisses but never actually touches lips
One who hugs but bodies never truly embrace
One who says but never does
One who fractured my conscience
One who never even noticed

Curl his palms around the lower ends of my back
As an acoustic melody fractures these walls while he is sipping lust from my collarbones
Kissing my body like it is the only thing he knows how to do
Running his hands up like he is reaching for sunlight
The resonance of heavy breathing will cause monsoons in Thailand
And maybe it isn't love
But maybe that's okay
And I do still miss you all the time
And I'm trying to find a way out of this
But what if I'm trying to do the right thing but I am perpetually reading the signals wrong?
What about the grey areas?
I am trying to love myself again
But that is hard to do with hands that are not yours
Carving their names into my body
I want to love you but you just won't let me
And this is where I find my escape
This is where I have been finding my love lately

In life we all want to be remembered as something great
To have someone look up to you
To have someone be to proud of you
And lately I've come to the sad conclusion
That no one sees me as something special
The feeling of knowing that you've ****** up
And there's no turning back
Knowing you could've been so much better than this
Knowing you could've really made people happy
Just by saying no to certain things
But when you reach the brink of temptation
You say yes without realizing the devastation
Without even seeing the danger
And one day you wake up as just another one
Just another person who didn’t listen to the advice
We were all told as a child
Never thinking this would ever happen
But here we are
Just another **** up
That's all I am

There is something so intoxicating
About fooling around with someone that you love
Who does not love you back
It sounds ballistic and ludicrous
That you could give your body away so easily
To someone who isn't careful
With how he takes it
There is no genuine gentleness
There is no slow rhythm
Only anticipation and hope that he does not drop you
I am only giving myself away because I love the way your hands hold me
You do not grip or restrain
I am free to leave whenever I want
And so are you
And that is the most freeing, yet heart wrenching thing of all

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much

I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Cease to exist in only one mind
Because love gets lonely too
It is a lot easier to share an arrow than you might think
The equally experienced pain, sharing in comfort for one another
Loving someone is giving them the map of your weaknesses
And hoping they do not abuse their right to explore
Our love was a perfect amount of splattered paint
Branded on life's bland canvas
We allowed color to flow from our veins
But I am standing in a pool of only red
I fell through the cracks in your skin and that is where I remain
I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Because though love is such an exquisite thing
It is not as beautiful, when you are only looking at one half
Of the whole picture

Can you love me when I am but fuel to the fire
Can you love me when I am a hurricane ripping out the flowers you planted for me
When I am 100 mph on a back road, throwing dust into ecstasy
Can you love me when you come home to find me lying on the ground because the gravity of my situation has reached its lowest point
Can you love me when I am vacant and need your attention
Can you show me your attention when you are busy
Can you love me when my mind is racing from one obstacle to the next
Can you remind me that everything will be alright
Can you love me in silence
When words do not fit the circumstance
When I just need to be held in the safeness of your arms
Can you love me still when I am gone
When my feet wander out the door, when they do this reluctantly
When you think I won't ever return
Can you love me in hopes that I will
Can you love me again
Because I'm on my way back home

I think it is hard to define true pain
We all have those bad days
We all have those bad nights
We all feel pain but in what context is it real
In moments when you feel hopeless
Those who you hope will comfort you
Will come up with excuses
Will say that others have it worse
Will tell you it's not that big of a deal
When you go to the doctor for pain
They will ask you to measure it
On a scale of 1 to 10
That is considered normal and necessary
We are told that tears are only salt water rivers
That will flow and drown your skin
But they will dry
Letting the crystal evaporate into the sunlight that makes everything better in the morning
Tears are no small thing to me
I believe that if something aches you enough
That your eyes produce water to show this
That your body knows that you cannot stand the dry desserts, you have to drown sometimes
In everything, we are told that it's not as bad as we think
That we should see what other people are going through
I do believe that their pain is real
But I do not believe that mine is meaningless
I still feel just as they do
My body does not listen to these excuses
I cannot train myself to always be happy
Because I am so lucky
I know that I am so lucky
And I am thankful
But my pain still matters
I am stuck giving myself scars by ripping it from my veins
But I am not going to keep my pain in a box
Do not tell me that this pain is only an advocate for attention
We've all paid the toll in exchange for rites of passage
Maybe I am misunderstanding the meaning of pain
But I believe all pain is real
If you feel it, it has to be there
Pain demands to be felt
So feel it

Loving you is the closest I have ever felt to flying
Yes, of course, I've been on an airplane and have jumped on a trampoline
I have had short lived experiences of being airborne
But loving you is long and drawn out flight
It feels as if the hands on my clock have arthritis
Like a bottle rocket pressing between my lips
Counting down the seconds that pass exceedingly slow
Waiting for the explosion
For the collision of my lips to yours
I have been waiting for far too long it seems
But maybe time is yet again using me as a martyr to prove that it does not care for your disposition or circumstance
Time only arrives when it knows it is needed
Time is never late or early
I am soaring through this love with only me, myself, and I
And I am waiting for the day where you believe that you too, can fly

There is something about getting knocked down
by one who once claimed to love you
It does something to you
It makes you feel so much prettier
On the floor

I sometimes pull heartbeats out of my chest and turn them into poems
Because I get sick of listening to this ***** inside of me like a drum, reminding me that I am still alive  because frankly I don’t care
It seemed to make no difference if my lungs suddenly forgot how to fill themselves with air
Suffocated shrunken up cavity, vacant of natural skills we develop from the womb
It wouldn't matter if I drowned in this void
I could manage anything after losing you
You see, in life we will experience droughts
Times where emotion runs dry, the sky cracks with a sunset and all you can see is orange
Your disposition is confusing, you are distant from friends, humble in insults, you have accepted your fate
You are going to smother eventually so be patient in this dismay
You have accustomed yourself to the spell of darkness and wonder all magic is black magic
You see I am sinking in this concrete, mental blankness, unfolding remolding
I do not want to love again, I want to but I know I won't be able to do it right so I do not want to love again
My body does not take well to being held, my heart racing does not comfort me
Butterflies are just insects that look pretty
I do not want to taste another's lips, I do not want you to tell me I am beautiful
There is no cure to this disease, it is malignant and vicious, it is determined to see me to my grave
Hardly anything comforts me anymore because there is only so much you can do with something that is broken
My skies are painted grey and my walls are painted white
Everything is ordinary, plain, mediocre, nothing excites me quite like you used to
So I sit patiently in this room where the floor is slowly rising up and he ceiling will soon make friends with my brain
I do not worry, the sky is the limit and I am almost there
I hope to greet the stars with a faint smile, weary and worn but authentic enough to join them
Look down upon you and assure that you are alright and then I fall
And maybe you can make a wish on me in her name

I still have not yet discovered how you managed to sweep up the most elegant constellations in the sky and paint them in the pupils of your eyes
I still have not yet discovered how you managed to steal every piece of my favorite poems and recite them into my mouth when we kiss
I still have not yet discovered how you managed to wipe away every sense of doubt I saw in myself just by simply smiling in my direction
I still have not yet discovered how you managed to control the rate of my heart beat as if every time you are around me you kick it up a few extra notches
I still have not yet discovered how you managed to make me fall so hard for you
I am still learning new things everyday
I one day hope to fully resolve that inquisition
Maybe then I will also learn why you do not love me

I am doing everything I can, not to love you
Convincing myself that I do not need you
Failing to do so each time
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
Searching ruthlessly for pieces of myself that I have lost
Writing about how I do not need anyone to fill me
Drowning in this agony trying to remind myself that I know how to swim
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
But I cannot help myself
I am endeavoring with everything to keep myself away
But I cant
I am drawn to you like a sinner seeing the light
I am pacing myself for the fall
Assuring myself it won't hurt that bad
Dragging my feet backwards away from you
But you are a magnet and I am only a piece of metal searching for something to attach myself to
I am doing everything I can, not to love you
But frankly, none of it has worked
And for that I am sorry, both to you and myself

You
the sweet idea of a cliche boy, also known as gentleman
sitting next to me trying to focus on the road
and you are so beautiful
Me
the careful soul, also known as broken
sitting next to you trying not to be too obvious
and I am so scared
We
are the last kind of love story you'd imagine
and the only kind we like
and it is only the beginning
Us
the kind of people to pretend we don't love each other
for the sake of other people
I
hope that you feel the same
and I write as though I already know you do
You
are someone I can never figure out
puzzle pieces shaped like rocks
I can not see where each piece carves into the next
but I can see you a year from now
looking at me like you are right this second
and smiling like you always do
but we wont be just friends
We
will love like the wind loves the open valleys
love like the trees love the soil
love like the homeless love nickels
I
will love you
and
You
will hopefully love me back
So
We
will wait only until time reminds us
that today is the day
We
love

I wrote a poem once
My Honestly Poem (Revised)
It had a line in it that said
"I am still mixing colors, trying to find one that best fits me when I am around you
When I make this discovery
You will be the first person I call"
I ended it with two words
"I promise"
So, I intend to tell you what those colors are
They start with white
As every new canvas does
White like the color of your truck
White like sugar I put in my coffee on our first date
Downtown, PJ's coffee, you were just as sweet as that spelda, sweeter even
White like the frozen yogurt we got when we first really hung out
White like the white out I am using to cover all of the mistakes we made
Then a pinch of orange
Like the flower we stole off of a table sitting outside of Subway downtown
Like the sunset we watched on the Levi
Like the start of our pumpkin cake that I almost royally destroyed
Or like my Christmas gift, my bear who's name is Barry if you ever did wonder, like The Country Bears
Then dipped in dark red
Like the jacket I wore on our first date
Or the pants I wore on our second
Or like the plastered walls in BJ's
Or the color of your tie and my corsage at Homecoming
Then sweet, dark blue
Like the backdrop for stars that sat in the sky,
the sky we gazed at countless times
Like my blue jeans that you helped me buy
Like the color on your watch
Next, black of course
Like most of the clothes I wore
Like the majority of our attire at homecoming
Like the center of your eyes surrounded by pools of
Green
Greek like the grass we walked over
Green like the grass on the other side
I am still deciding which is greener
Green like your eyes
I know I've said it already
but I cannot seem to remove your eyes from my memory
Even after the green Starbucks where we ended it
Green was always there
Then the slightest pinch of purple
Like the color of my curtains
Like the color of my bed
The one we would lay in together and even though it was tormentingly hot we couldn't help but be close to each other
Then I realized, after all of this painting
I don't have a color after all
Mixed together
In technical terms some would say it was black
Those who have achromatopsia
Would say it was more like black and white or grey
But I wouldn't
Our love was as colorful as ever
It was gaudy and vibrant
It was brilliant, just as we were brilliant
So in conclusion, I call it opalescent
It reflects different colors in different light
We reflect different colors in different light
But in every light, we are beautiful
I'm sorry that hardly any light shines on us anymore
I hope one day it will
I hope it will shine as bright as ever
And maybe we can start back at white
As every new canvas does

If only I could say this out loud
How our prior affair continues to draw breath in my mind
It is barely survuving and I am aching to restore it
It clings tight to my shoulder
Claws digging into my thin cotton t-shirt
I never imagined I would have to endure this
And here I am in a perpetual state of misery
If only I could say this out loud
How this distance is tearing me to pieces
It's as if I am the bridge and she is the earthquake
Ripping me apart each crumbling rock at a time
I am breaking before I was ever finished being built
If only I could say this out loud
How my chest is always heavy
And my stomach is always tightened
As if sooner or later my body will stop working
Have my organs cave in on themselves
Have my bones snap and you will only blink
If only I could say this out loud
How I love you
I know I shouldn't now
But all I can think about is you
And I cannot bear to say it
Looking at you, I cannot bear to say it
Out loud

Addiction is seeking comfort in that which is destroying you
I have found I am addicted to loving you even though you are gone
I find myself craving your attention and my mind is begging me to avoid you
Because it knows better than my heart does
I fall for the simplicity in our text messages
The soft comments and compliments that are so friendly
You know how frail and thin my skin is,
How do you expect your words to not cut right through it
We joke and kid and laugh and seriousness will creep in but never for too long
I cannot describe my feelings the day after a rainstorm or how I feel when the sun sets early in the winter
And I cannot describe my feeling when I am talking to you
It is something sweet, like it is getting better
I am blossoming but this rain on some days is far too heavy
On some days it hurts me and you do not even notice
In this story you are the one who moves on and finds a girl who doesn’t write her thoughts onto paper instead of admitting she has them
I am the girl who's hand is always numb do to the constant writing about the one who has moved on to something better
I am sorry I could not love you like I wanted to
I am dealing with the consequences of letting you go
And this addiction to you is killing me
I have done real drugs and smoked and drank and I know what it is like to crave something every waking minute of the day yet with you
I have never been more afraid
Of overdose

Your hips will fall into metal blankness
His hands will brush over them like paint to a canvas
And you will expect a beautiful painting
And even though your mother told you to never hold high expectations
You did anyways
And now you feel the wisdom in her words as this grotesque picture looks you in the face grinning with deceit because you only did this to forget about someone else
He insists that you frame it
Your collarbones will sink like boulders
Lay on the bottom of desolate ocean floors
You will feel like an abandoned ship wreck
Like an empty treasure chest
You have disappointed because you are still in love with someone else
You will ask for a blue print of your body so you can leave it on a train just so you can have something to remind you what it used to look like before he took it from you
And they will call this a mistake
Giving away the one piece of you that should have been saved for someone who didn't just say they loved you
Someone who meant it, the words would hold so much passion it would hit you with a force that not even the strongest anaesthesia could keep you from feeling
But yet you keep trying to find that missing piece of you in other people's bed sheets
You will trust anyone who shows interest because you have not tasted this is so long
Because bad man look like respectable men
Bad men with a smile so wide that they will swallow you and you will convince yourself that you asked him to
Your whole being will begin to ash away
Because you were lit by someone who did not finish what they began
And the truth is, you cannot hand a paintbrush to someone else once a piece of art is started because the finished picture will never be as beautiful as it could have been
So why do you keep passing it around

There is something so heart-wrenching
About having dinner with yourself
Sitting down, and the waiter asks,
"Are you expecting someone?"
They will say this with a smile
Because they are used to the answer being yes
You will reach down into your gut
Scrounge for a decent ****** expression
That does not make it seem like their words have cut you open
"No," you sigh, "I am not"
They nod and pick up the plate and silverware across from you
And that's when you really feel it
That’s when it hits you like a brick
crashing through wind shield
And the calamity will be new to you
You will not see it coming, how can you ever?
At the end of the meal, you will get your check
And suddenly you miss the disputes on who will pay
The sweet argument that will never get old
In the moment, the frustration would build
But it was one that you could smile at
And you know that many things happen in your life
That you think should not
But they did anyways
And here you are
Paying your bill in silence

Finding peace is like finding a lost chapter in the bible, it was there, waiting to be discovered, aching to be held, to be felt
Peace feels a lot like a blanket of sunsets was stitched together and laid over your heavy body, it makes you feel weightless
Peace is wonderful, so grab hold of it

If pennies could buy us time I wonder how many wasted presidents I would spend throwing into fountains wishing for a revisable proverb
Fold love letters into paper airplanes and send them your way
Walking backwards into something beautiful and try it just one more time
We could fall in love all over again, the sun is the same but we can see things differently now, take a little more time
I have come to realize that pictures cannot hold a memory as well as a heart can and storage on some cell phones run dry
And despite the undermining feeling that maybe we were meant to separate, I cannot help but wonder what would have happened
If things never ended
If I didn't have to waste so much money on fighting for something I know in the end
I won't win

A sunrise it created by broken pieces of light hitting the atmosphere
Igniting the sky with flaming orange, leaving people in awe
I have never seen a sunset quite like the one I've seen today
Approximately 39,000 feet in the air and finally I see it
Painting over black and navy blue with warmer colors
Burying the darkness in something more hopeful
I think about my plane ticket
I know, this is odd to think about when looking at something beautiful
But I think it is important to remind yourself on how I got here
It is only a slip of paper, it holds a date, a name, a seat number, a destination, a departure time
But it does not talk about what you will experience
A plane ticket is only the introduction to the show
The ticket does not promise safety or a sunset or a sunrise
The ticket does not tell you who you will sit next to
The ticket is all of the general information, it is the instructions
It is all taken by chance, the ticket is only the stepping off point
I encourage you to think of your life like this
Do not skip the plane ride because of fear or uncertainty
Because you could miss one of the most beautiful views of all

There's something haunting about you
I could watch you all day
And never get sick of it
Like staring at such an intricate piece of art
Finding new details with time and memorizing all of mixed colors that were used to create something so beautiful
Each of your breaths are fistfuls of stones dropped in my throat and anchored in my chest
The way you smile with such sincerity and light-heartedness like an innocent child
I know that you are no good for me
I know there is more to you than the precision that I see
I know that you will only hurt me
And I know that I should walk away before the ground crumbles beneath me
But there is a hope that you will be the one to catch me
Before I plummet
A hope I will hold onto until I fall

I often dream of dancing in thigh high socks
To music playing off my cellphone
In a hotel on the edge of town with you
I think of lying next to you in white bed sheets
I want to be with you when the curtains open
And the sunlight is twisting patterns across your skin
I want to make you coffee in your t-shirt and my underwear
I want to almost spill it bringing it over to you
I imagine us laughing about this
You will grab the coffee and put it aside
Pull another things to your lips
That will not stain your breath
I want to be the one to kiss you in place of your coffee
We can sit in this hotel room and watch cable TV
And I can recite all the poems I have written about you
And I know that you never wrote poems,
but I knew you loved me like one

You were the sudden thought and craving that had been running through my mind for weeks
And finally I became the ghost of a night that was supposed to happen with someone else
I was scared and frigid and you broke me like a number two pencil
You tore away just pieces of my innocence that felt like tearing down brick walls that were built for a reason
Why did I give in so easily
And now I think of you and wonder if I was more than a one night "pretend love"
I wonder if it meant maybe just a little more
Now you only look at me like a gift you wish came with a receipt
But now I think we have both learned that there are no refunds for regrets
You sewed a string of excuses why it was okay because you were just being a man
I gave you a little of what you wanted
And now I am trying to convince myself that I do not need it back

Today you will wake up anxious
Roll out of bed a little more gracious than usual
Stretch your back, pull your shoulders back
Take in a deep breath, exhale and smile
Check your phone to see if she has left you a message
You think of how she will look tonight
Double check to make sure the reservations are still intact
Make sure that everything will go as planned
But then again, even if it doesn’t, you will still be with her
Today you will avoid me
It will be different from the rest of the week
You will be too busy preparing to reply
Your mind will wander towards an image of her
You know she will look better dressed up than I ever did
Today you will put on a button up shirt
Tuck it in your slacks
Wash your face, look in the mirror and grin
You cannot wait to see her
Today you will put on a tie
And will be sure it is the perfect length
You will make sure it is not too tight
Make sure she can get if off if needed
Today you will go out
Dance the night away with her hand in yours
You will be nervous the whole time
Because you don’t want to mess up
But even in the midst of your anxiety
She has an aroma of peace about her that can always calm you
She is better than I ever was to you
Today the universe is reminding me that you are a love I have long lost
She will look in the mirror, smile in practice for pictures
I cannot look in a mirror anymore  because all I see are the parts of myself that you got sick of looking at
My sober mind blushes at the thought of you dressed up
But I cringe at the thought of you kissing her
I wish you a safe night, fun, exciting
Be careful, and I will try to be careful too
For my night will be much more dangerous
Locked away in the confines of this unusually cold bed

We were lukewarm hearts and cups of coffee
Breakfast in bed on Sunday morning
Videos of laughter and short-lived occurrences
Late night drives with the radio too loud
Saturday afternoon movies and naps
And a box of letters that ended in
P.S. I love you

To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Lived with heartache and constant confusion
You were never sure if they meant what they said
Always second guessing every movement
Every phone call, text message, kind gesture
Always wondered if it went a little deeper
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Walked through valleys alone, holding your own hand
Looking at them standing on a mountain
You wonder if they are looking at you from up there
You wonder what the weather is like
But more about the feeling of their lips on yours
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
There is a tornado in your throat
And you want to tell them at you miss them
That you need them with you
That this is no ordinary type of love
This love turns my stone heart into vats of molten rock
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Raise a bottle to all the years that we will regret
Waiting on someone who we thought
We would always love
And would eventually, when they were ready
Love us back

You will not expect it
You will be out with friends
When the news of her existence accidently spills
All over your barstool
Do no wipe it away
Let it tear through the leather,
And stick to all of those who choose to sit there when you leave
You will want to down three more shots of cheap liquor
Then three more, as many more that you need to throw up tonight's words that climbed out of your friend's mouth and into your shot glass
You will mumble regrets into the toilet bowl as your liver aches because it is your punching bag in times like these
You will want to call him and will go as far as holding the phone in your hand with his number dialed by memory
Do not call him
He does not want to hear your drunken proclamations of amour
He does not care for you, no matter how many times your heart has tried to convince you that he does
If he did you would know it because the small things would be the obvious ones
You will wake up the next morning feeling fatigued and cold but though you are in agony you will look forward to more alcohol
Because the burn in your throat is an easier pain to bear than the thought of him kissing someone else
Reality laughs at your consistent attempts to run away from it
And will always be there, standing in the door way the next morning

We were a fever, burning up, sweat dripping down your back
Drinking tea, sleeping in, warm and watchful of the dawn
We were on fire for a short time
This is the worst recovery I have ever known

It is hard to explain to someone that you only fall for ******* guys who treat you like **** and tend to look at other girls while standing next to you not that you mean anything to them anyways
It is harder to explain to someone when the someone you are trying to explain it to is the someone that you are talking about

Remember our walks in the park, how I ran from you and you chased me and I have never played such an exquisite game of tag. Remember the laughter, the summer skies and sunsets, the way I link my arm to yours like a crisscross safety net that never said forever but almost
Remember my secrets, how I have them all to you and how I took apart my pride piece by piece
I put my shield in the paper shredder and I said "there I'm naked, ask me anything" and you asked me what I was afraid of and I was afraid of losing you but I said I was afraid of spiders
Remember the first time you held me, drunk and stupid on a front porch in the rain it was approximately one in the morning and I whispered I love you under my breath and you didn't hear me but looking back I wish you did
At that point I had already started writing about you and I guess you had been looking for ways to escape
Remember the dark, remember me kissing you back while you threw up everything you couldn't take in your cup anymore
Remember sitting in the corner of a coffee shop and you were trying to your work but love gets in the way of that sometimes and I was reaching under the table. Remember the laughter.
Remember dancing around my room to your favorite song about me. Remember the laughter.
Remember going swimming in full clothes, it was so cold and it was so peaceful and playful. Remember the laughter.
Remember the staying up all night getting high, playing music loud, and you couldn't keep still, remember the laughter.
Remember lying in bed, drunk and I couldn't see straight and you could see right through me, remember when I went swimming and you watched me.
Remember going walking, and you loved to play soccer and I tried but I was no good, remember the laughter
Remember the late night phone calls, rambling about our days, about our family, about our favorite memories with one another, remember the laughter that bled through the phone
Remember when I called you crying choking on my words and we went back to the same coffee shop where I fell in love with you and we got a free coffee
Remember asking me to homecoming, remember showing me your new guitar, remember listening to the song I wrote about you, remember showing me the song you wrote about her
Remember me as best you can
Don’t forget about it all
Don’t forget about me