As I sit here, letting my tears race to the bottom of my chin, down my neck, swept up by my cold, shaking fingers
I sit here and wonder if this pain is sitting with you too
Are enveloped in a state of regret and guilt?
Do you feel anything at all?
There is a constant, reoccurring thought
"I am the one who did this to us"
I forget to brush away the flooding salt water from my eyes, noticing they have reached my collar
They sit there, slowing evaporating
The others escaping from my eyes making new traces on my cheeks
Before you, I would have held my breath and suffocated, choking on these shining crystals of pure sadness before I would ever let them plumage down my face
You opened up a doorway that I cannot shut on my own, not that you would ever help me anyways
This is the only language I speak to you
This silent language of grief
I am fluent in these words, distracting me from every other beautiful thing in my life
I hate you for pushing them out of the spotlight so that you could shine in their place, only in a dimmer form
Almost translucent
You are a cheap magic trick
Walking out of a trap door that I never noticed
Because I was too drawn to you
And I find myself sitting here, hating myself for it

I often wonder if sleeping with the lights on will somehow curtail the darkness in this room
There's something about nightfall
Because when the sun is out, everything is fine and
I feel as if I can do anything
But once the sun sets and flaming orange fades to dark blue,
I lose myself
My pride slips out of my chest and shatters on the floor and
I am too fatigued to reach down and sweep it up
There is no antidote to sundown
There is only waiting for dawn

I was never good at coping with severe pain
I only magnified the existence of it
My heart pounded into my chest like a plane crashing into a building
You will never get used to someone not loving you
Of course, we say it will get better and that you will feel renewed, refreshed once you finally move on, they promise that it will be okay
But how am I supposed to trust these people that never knew you
I've tried to let go, to throw away the things at the bottom of the box
To burn and let the ashes dance in the wind off to some better place
But each and every time I spark the lighter, I end up burning myself
Instead

I think I may have stopped loving you for a while
Let the world take a toll on me and left you in the dust
With no second thought of what might happen to you
Or who might pick you up while I was gone
But though I may have driven away
And though this was selfish of me
I expected you to be there waiting for me when I returned
It has been about four months
These old songs do nothing but remind me of how often I have tried to forget them
Even the lemonade from life's lemons is starting to taste bland
Though at times I did not realize it, you were my sweet
I have learned that just because you can write a good love letter does not mean that they will come back to you
I am only a lonely heart trying to make its way back home
But I am not sure where home is anymore
I thought it was you but you have moved away
Left me deserted, I did not think it would come to this
And here I am, knocking on the door of an abandoned house expecting you to come out
My mother always told me not to have high expectations but I couldn’t help myself
Now, I find myself waiting on your front porch
Tracing memories and song lyrics in the dirt

Some advice I should have given myself before I loved you
1.) He will sound like he means it and it is everything that you want to hear, do not mistake misguided desperation for affection as truth.
2.) Love is stronger than pride and if he does not treat you like the brightest star he has ever seen he is not the right one.
3.) This world is like sugar, it may crumble easily beneath you but do not be afraid to taste it, do not confuse it with salt.
4.) In life, if you love someone, you will do anything you can to keep it but you cannot take someone's heart and enslave it. Love is a ***** game but it is not love when it is forceful.
5.) Your eyes have seen more than his take time do notice, be careful with those who do not recognize detail in little conversations.
6.) Before you give yourself away to someone, make sure that they will take care of you. You are fragile and need all the passion that the waves have for the ocean shore. Someone who will be able to describe the color of your eyes to a room full of blind people. You deserve so much more than you think you do.
7.) Do not confuse a spark for love. Love is supposed to feel like igniting a firework that never ends. Do not mistake love for infatuation.

I have tried to get out
Tried to ignore the tugging on my heart
Endeavored to live away this anguish
Attempted to take pictures of people in love
Without your face coming to mind
It's like everywhere I go
Everything is speaking your name
You wonder how someone who looks like
They carry mountains on their shoulders
Could crumble oh so easily
I look like I am okay
Play the game, smile and giggle
Let the world see only my highlight heel
Little do they know that I am the kind of girl
Who named the stars so I wouldn't feel so lonely
I am nothing of beauty or balance
I am walking turbulence trying to find her way back home

There is something about unrequited love
A current in you will endlessly twirl
A wind will sweep you up
And at the brink of sensation
You will be shoved under the rug
You will feel disarmed and vulnerable
You will feel shrunken beneath their beauty
They will tease you and keep you hanging
The edge that you are leaning off of is slowly beginning to fall apart and you hear the audible sound of it breaking but you will risk your plummet just to be closer to them
Your heart will thump in your just like the banging on a gong and you will feel it reverberate throughout your body
But the rate of your heart beat does not change reality
They do not love you
The one thing about unrequited love is it risks it all
You could end up shattered like a glass vase
Crushed like dry autumn leaves beneath their feet as they walk toward someone else who is not you
You will feel every crack as it hits you
And they will only hear a soft, distant mumble
as you cry out beneath them
Do not turn and run
Because they might love you one day
That is by far the worst thing about unrequited love
The unknown

I knew from the start that stepping into this
Was not going to end in my favor
From the moment you gave me that look of desire
I knew it was only the alcohol
Consuming your thoughts and cravings
There was nothing special about me
I was never the girl you wanted to be with
Just for a night, that’s all I was used for
I was just another hit and run
This is no sweet love story where they meet in a bar
And something magical comes out of it
There is only anguish in this hole I have fallen in
This is no wonderland
I knew that from the very beginning
I was doing something so foolish
But I couldn’t help myself

Some advice I would have given myself last weekend
One.
If something feels wrong, do not do it. When you want to call him, hand your phone to your best friend because she can do less damage with it then you can.
Two.
When he tells you he was interested in someone else, do not reach for the alcohol. I know that it hurts but you will feel worse in the morning and it is not worth it, it never was.
Three.
When the stench of cigarettes and cold sweat tattoos itself on your skin, do not wash it off. Let the odor sink in until you realize that it is one that you do not need.
Four.
When you feel tired, go to sleep. Though staying awake seems like the more fun option realize that your body is setting into fatigue for a reason.
Five.
When you want to jump out the window, don’t. The ground seems so close but it isn't. When your friend pulls you away do not walk back.
Six.
Pick yourself up, wash the aroma of last night from your back, listen to it disappear into your shower drain, let the water be too hot. Close your eyes and focus on the memory tearing from your body, last night was a lesson, learn from it and move on.

We all walk around
Like we have so long
Until we reach the end of our lives
Fooling ourselves each morning
"You are not going to die today, you
have a long while before that happens"
So we go about our days
Living as if we have so much longer
Too afraid to tell the truth
We waste each day if we do not live
As if we are dying
Because we are.

Why do I wake at 4 in the morning to run my fingers through you hair?
Sleepless lullaby playing in the back of my throat
I want to pull my body onto yours
But it is 4 in the morning and that's insane
Because you're gone now, the kind of gone where you are not expected to return
You have not left for work or for school, you're just gone
The cars on the highway have never sounded so loud
It's as if I can hear the radio static in each one
And I wonder how many people are awake at 4 in the morning wishing for the same things and me
Because though 2 am is lively and 3 am is scary, no one ever talks about 4 am because you are expected to be asleep by this time
It is 5 in the morning and maybe now I will be able to sleep this away, but maybe I will stay up in hopes that you will visit me

Looking at you for only a moment
Because staring too long would cause my eyes to drip like melting iron, slipping down my face and onto my neck
Seeping into my skin like a red needle
Looking at you for only a moment
It is all I can bear before the urge to caress the tips of my fingers down your back, drawing a map, creating borders that I intend to cross, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Because if I look too long my brain will check out and begin to sing like a scratched up CD
The words are so beautiful but you can hardly understand what they are saying, I look away
Looking at you for only a moment
Making sure to direct my attention elsewhere before you turn and see me in awe of the beauty of you
In a room full of art, I would still only see your eyes
Because although paintings are beautiful
You are so addicting
You draw me in like a child coloring outside of the lines
Stepping over the obvious boundaries but still thinking that this is how it is supposed to be
I cannot steady my hand enough to even write
I am a drunk, you are the alcohol and everything around you is the water I should be drinking but I cannot seem to get enough of the way your burn as you go down
My mouth dries at the thought of you leaving the room
Looking at you for only a moment
Then looking away but I get a sense of unease realizing that you are no longer standing across the room but in front of me
Looking at you for longer than a moment
The closing my eyes
Finally reality punches me in the face like a guy in a bar who has had one less drink than me
Angry and overwhelmed, pushing his fist into my jaw
Hearing it shatter in my ears like throwing an empty bottle at the ground you can barely stand on
I wake and realize that looking for only a moment
Is the only sensation I can reach
When you are so far away from where I am

Today
multiple times
people brought your name up
in casual conversation
tossing it around lightly
not realizing that they were handing me bricks
each time they joked and nudged my shoulder
one brick added
each time their lips curved upward in a smile because of my odd disposition
two bricks
each time I looked down trying to avoid the multiplying of baggage
bricks
they carry your name in their minds sitting next to mine
they see my love for you as little or insufficient quantity
just a crush, no big deal, she'll get over it
Today
multiple times
people brought up your name
and I just looked down, looked away, looked anywhere else
because all I have ever known
was to look away in the name of you

My addiction to you
You say, at least
Is small
That it is a mere grain of sand
But what you do not understand
To me
It is a mountain
It keeps me awake at night because
I feel I am hurting you
I'm sorry if I am
And you secrete it behind smiles
And jokes
My addiction is strong
And I do not know how to loosen my grip
And for that I am so sorry

We are only friends and nothing more
No matter how many times you come over
or how many inside jokes we keep
No matter how many times I eagerly want to kiss you,
I never will
We are only friends and nothing more
The space between my shoulder and yours is six inches of fatal territory
Every effort I put in is just another grain of sand on your beach
We are only friends and nothing more
Your smile is one of many
and mine is a mere star among her being your sun
I will never hold the place in your heart that she does
but I should not be bothered by that because
We are only friends and nothing more
So when you call and I pick up,
greeting you like I always do
Do not crack a joke
or ask me how my day was
Do not be so nice that I forget
we
are merely friends
and nothing more than that

There is something enticing about how beauty is so powerful in the world we live in today
If you have a sculptured body with curves that flow endlessly and eyes that make the night sky jealous
Well you can do almost anything
People will tell you what you want to hear just to see the sweet words shatter as you try to catch them
They will sell the vow like a groom on his wedding day
Dancing to her father's favorite song but only waiting to take her to the bedroom to show her what you think she's missing
But she is not missing anything
They will advocate the promise and you will believe every word because beautiful things demand to be trusted
But soon they will disappear
Just after they have tied you up and left you in agony
They will walk away just like the prince in your little fairytale
You will realize, maybe not right away
But as you sit gripping the ends of your shirt, cradling what's left of your innocence in the palm of your hand
You will realize that is was your soul they were selling
**The Whole Time

And I knew I never meant that much to you but, God, I would have tried forever

I am young
I haven't met my worst days yet
Nor my best
I haven't done much
I'm only a young girl
I lie to myself often
I cry a lot
I cry about things that people
Should never cry about
Like spilled milk
I laugh in uncomfortable silence
I laugh at things that most people
May not find funny
I laugh when I try not to cry
To remind myself that there is still room
For a smile at all times
I do not worry about my past
I tend to worry a lot more about my future
No one can calm me down
Better than my little brother
His innocence and light-hearted attitude
Makes me realize how sweet life is
I don’t think life is a box of chocolates
Not everything in life is sweet
Sometimes you lose people
Sometimes you lose yourself
Sometimes you just lose
And sometimes you don’t have other people
Who are going to be able to help you up
My advice for you is
Learn to zip up your own dresses
And put on your own bracelets and necklaces
You will not always have someone to do it for you
I'm only a young girl
I don’t know much
But I learn something new everyday
I have learned to live life as it comes to you
Don’t take anything for granted
Because you will miss the small things
You will realize
The small things were the big things after all

Too many times we forget that it's possible to be happy

When you realize that the person you love
Loves someone else
It will hit you like a plane crashing into a building
You will be unsure if you should jump
Or stay inside, holding on to something that will keep you sane
Have to decide if it is worth the torment
Her name will be in every headline: car crash, robbery, news paper
You will avoid going out so you can pretend she isn't real
Her name is a new born that the family passes around
You will discover that she loves everything that you love
That everyone loves her
It will not be easy, anything having to do with love never is
Love is a word that gets stuck in my throat
You are not sure how to let go
He is the only one who forces your colors to the edges of you
He is what it feels like to fall and land on something soft
My love for him pools like gasoline in the back of my throat, all it takes is a match and I'm set to flames again
When you realize the person you love
Loves someone else
Do not panic
Act as if it is only a change of season
Leaves that were once vibrant in color will turn brown eventually
Act as if it you saw it coming
Act as if you were used to not being loved in return

I have learned about the world
And it's history, know where the landmarks are and the 7 wonders
I know that it holds beautiful, walking legends
People who want to change the way the system works
I think about their hands
Hands learn more than minds do
Hands learn how to hold other hands,
How to grip pencils, how to mold poetry
Hands are the maps and compasses on which we navigate our way through life, they are the guide, they are the ones who endure the working
Each callused palm, each cracked knuckle
Hold a story, one you may not think about as often as I do
Hands twitch and tremble
Hands pick you up
Hands praise
Hands catch you on your way down to fall
Hands clench in fists, hands open wide
Hands are learning more each day about their limits
Do no underestimate the power of a persons hands
Hands touch, hands break things, hands also glue them back together
I have learned about the world and it's history
And look forward to reading the hands of people who live in it
For that is the greatest learning experience of all

I dreamed that I am stuck in a room with you and her, falling in love over me, letting your amour brush my skin like a knife and I wake up thinking it is just a dream
I know, however, that is isn't
People keep telling me that it will get easier knowing that this is all there is but I can't even get out of bed
My stomach does not ache for nourishment
My limbs grow weaker by the day
I cannot bring myself to the realization that you have left, gone, moved away with no plan to return
Even if a man misses his old home that does not mean
he will move back into it
My room has grown cold from the door always being open
I can hardly sleep because my bed is so empty
I have lost the memory of your body once being there next to me
The outline of your shoulders has faded to grey
I am sorry my love is almost as bad as my memory
I shut you out with a silence that you didn’t understand
Neither did I, you were not alone in the profound confusion
I missed you the second I stepped out of your truck
But I learned it didn't matter the amount of hope I had
I planted hopes all throughout my garden that only
remained lonely seeds
I know that this doesn’t make any sense
I know that we may never love again
But that does not keep me from holding on to the sleeve
of December
I wish I could tell you why my grip is so tight on it
But I can't
In fact there are a lot of things I can't tell you
A lot of things I wish I could
I only write them down
In hopes that you will read them

There is something significant about the way that some stars run and others sit still
There is something significant about the way that the sun has a schedule and the moon has different shades of beautiful
There is something significant about the way his eyes spark when he looks in her direction
She isn't sure if he loves her or another one but she pretends that she is his only so she can sleep at night
It's more significant how she refuses to believe that he really loves her
She let's the hope carry on inside of her mind like a dream that never actually happened
It was so much easier to wish than to actually pursue
So she sat back and waited for something significant enough
To make her go on her own strength

I have finally brought myself to smile
Even if it is only in a numb form
Intoxicated, high, anything to get you out
And I only hope now that you are still reading my poems
I hope that you see what is behind these drawn shades
I hope that you can almost hear me weeping
I hope that you do not call me
Because I don't want your sympathy
I don't want you to feel bad for me and call me
Only because you don't want me to feel this way
I hope, if you ever do, that you call me
Out of sincere curiosity to how I've been doing
Acting as if you don't already know
Sitting with one hand grasping your cell phone
And the other, scrolling through my poetry page
And I will tell you "I'm making it"
That's all I can say, if you want me to be honest
Because I am
Sure, it's hard and each day it feels like a rubber band
I am pulling myself away, hoping that it will shoot me back to you before it snaps
But I am making it, none the less
Tonight, I will probably go and get drunk
Erasing you from my mind for a few hours
And I ******* hope you call me while I am intoxicated
So that I can answer and smile
Really smile, not because you called me, but because when you did, I didn't have to worry about anything
You are just another contact in my phone
And one day, that is all you will be
Drunk or sober
You will just be another person who calls

I want to leave this dark bedroom that you have locked me inside. You told me that this was only for one night and I knew you meant it, yet my heart stepped out of my ribcage and onto these cold white sheets we layed in and declared you wanted me for more than just for a few hours, that you did not mean it. When you did. Proclaiming coyly and discreetly that I do love you despite my drunken misdemeanor. But still you walked out in the morning (like I knew you would) with vague memories of last night's sweet disaster without ever unlocking the door. I knew all along at that is was haunts me the most. Now all I can do is search for a key or a gun to set me free. I will use whichever I find first.

Some would say that the light is more important than the lantern
The poem is more important than the notebook
The kiss is more important than the lips
But love is not more important than the person whom it comes from
If you loved me, over anyone else, it would be all I need
I wouldn't need love from the sun or the flowers
It wouldn't matter how green the grass was or if the lights were on all of the time or if the glass was half empty or half full
If your love was something I possessed, than I would be okay
All the time, I would be okay

You were the sudden thought and craving that had been running through my mind for weeks
And finally I became the ghost of a night that was supposed to happen with someone else
I was scared and frigid and you broke me like a number two pencil
You tore away just pieces of my innocence that felt like tearing down brick walls that were built for a reason
Why did I give in so easily
And now I think of you and wonder if I was more than a one night "pretend love"
I wonder if it meant maybe just a little more
Now you only look at me like a gift you wish came with a receipt
But now I think we have both learned that there are no refunds for regrets
You sewed a string of excuses why it was okay because you were just being a man
I gave you a little of what you wanted
And now I am trying to convince myself that I do not need it back

The monsters in my head are scared of love
They tremble at the thought of arrows
They are fearful of any romance
Though they are strong and frightening to many
They cannot bear the thought of something else entering my mind that does not cause their kind of pain
You see, love is gentle with the way it hurts you
It is like unraveling rope
You do realize that you are going to fall until the thickness of this cable is only a thread
The demons in my head simple rip the floor from underneath me
They do not slowly pull or pull me in and them push me off
And I do not know which I fear more
Someone who abruptly drowns me
Or someone who pretends they are teaching me how to swim

I know it is foolish of me to want love after all I've done
I've betrayed past lovers with the lies that seemed reasonable enough to believe
I've doubted every relationship I've had
I've lost touch with authenticity and now my soul aches to touch some something real
Anything that is certain, anything that is palpable
I crave affection but I lose hold of it as soon as it boils over because I am afraid of being burned
I have been trying to conclude why love is such a tough subject for me
Trying to figure out how something so beautiful can be so ugly in the wrong light
When did black and white become so grey
There is no intermediate in love
There is no middle road
There is one path or the other
You can be infatuated with every person you see or be hopelessly devout to a single person
There has never been an effortless love story
I know, I know that is it foolish of me to want love after all I have done
But I've noticed that no matter how many cavities you have, it does not make you lust after sweetness
Any less

This is a lot harder than you think it is
As humans, we like the idea of us being able to jump into things and handle it
No tutorials or real practice
Just the notion that you've got it under control
But truth is, we can only handle so much
People around us can only handle so much
We may love the concept that we don’t need any help, that we can do whatever we and it'll always work out
It wont
Taking things slow is a lot harder than you think
Knowing the speed limit
Only makes you want to exceed it
Putting a boundary lines only makes me want to cross over it
Taking things slow is tough, it's true
But the best things take time
I believe that
And this is the best things

You
the sweet idea of a cliche boy, also known as gentleman
sitting next to me trying to focus on the road
and you are so beautiful
Me
the careful soul, also known as broken
sitting next to you trying not to be too obvious
and I am so scared
We
are the last kind of love story you'd imagine
and the only kind we like
and it is only the beginning
Us
the kind of people to pretend we don't love each other
for the sake of other people
I
hope that you feel the same
and I write as though I already know you do
You
are someone I can never figure out
puzzle pieces shaped like rocks
I can not see where each piece carves into the next
but I can see you a year from now
looking at me like you are right this second
and smiling like you always do
but we wont be just friends
We
will love like the wind loves the open valleys
love like the trees love the soil
love like the homeless love nickels
I
will love you
and
You
will hopefully love me back
So
We
will wait only until time reminds us
that today is the day
We
love

It's easy to think that you miss me
It takes no effort to imagine you and I together
Acting as if we never went separate ways
Acting as if the sun never set the night you held my hand
Acting as if our love aligned at a perfect intersection
It's so simple to look back and pretend that it was all real to both of us
To play pretend and you being the boy who actually cared and me being the girl who actually didn't
All just scenes of a premature play that never made it to Broadway
We were just too cliche I guess
A story that everyone's already heard
And maybe this is what you wanted
For us to be put away, collecting dust and remembering only the fragments of our so called "love"
We look like a broken mirror, a cracked sidewalk
So jagged and sharp yet I am addicted
Addicted to the burn, addicted to the pain
Because I figured that if I didn't feel anything
It would be as if it never happened
The agony proves **it was real

I am waiting for a love worth holding on to
Each tick of the clock reverberates throughout my body
I often try to convince myself that I can find love on my own if I look hard enough
But real love is the kind that you do not have to search for
I have learned that scrounging up what looks good enough
Will only teach you that you should not build a house out of scraps
Sometimes I try to color myself different shades to fit into someone else's art work, sometimes I forget about my own color
Because we all want to be what everyone wants
But we end up wanting everyone and not knowing our own name
So I have decided I am waiting
Patience falters every now and then
But I know someone will see constellations in my birthmarks soon enough so until then I promise to do my best in not painting over them
I will find myself in my abstinence, regain all of my strength that I gave away in beds that are not mine
I know that eventually  someone will notice that light on my skin even if it does not shine that bright to some
A light is still a light no matter how brilliant it may look
This will not be an easy journey for me
I tend to hold my heart out in my hand and anyone who reaches to grab it, takes it, I hardly ever put up a fight
I love too easily for someone who wants to wait but I do
I have sat by too many telephone, received no phone calls, resulting in too many damp pillows and tears stains on the sheets of paper that I write about those whom I love on
I am waiting for someone who will fill me with joy more than they put me in agony
I am waiting for someone who will kiss me and not taste past lovers on their tongue, someone who will not be able to kiss me without smiling
Someone who will love me when I am a still day
Someone who will love me when I am a hurricane
I know that uncertainties are abound in life
And I know that this waiting may never truly end
Though while I am here, loving myself in this isolation I will think of how I will love you, the man whom I know is out there somewhere
Perhaps he too, is waiting for me

A whisper punches you face
You never imagined something so utterly transparent would hurt so much, he says,
"I've moved on," and the words slip off his tongue like your feet beneath you as you're standing on the ledge of a building

I do not know if I can bear to hear you say
That you do not love me
the weight of each word alone
would crack my bones in half
In a new way I am not sure I understand
Each time you speak
there is a text underneath your words that scream
I do not love you like that
and a hole in my chest forms each time
Each time we embrace
It feels as if you are trying to erase a mistake on my back
All the things I needed for you to say
were never said
and I am not sure if they ever will be

In life I have come across a pattern
When your mind is feeling free
And the rusted chains that once bonded your heart have fallen
When the last candle is lit and your eyes are adjusting to the light
They will appear, slow and unexpected
Their name will creep up it will seem like an innocent accident
They will not even think of your disposition when they call
I know that I should be over him but mind has found itself falling underneath matter, I am feeling backwards
I am convincing myself that I am still okay, I am not
Let the words of me being happy for him burn up my throat as they fall out of my mouth, I try not to stutter
The gasoline pools underneath my tongue and I manage a smile
I know that this is for the better
A friend of mine told me, "He had to move on sometime"
He did, and I am glad he did
Because I know what it feels like to wait on someone
And I would hate for him to endure such an agonizing thing

I see you look at her
and it is not hard to tell
just by the expression on your face
that you still love her
I recognize this look
because it is how
I look at you

We dream about how life used to be far too often. When people loved one another, strangers would smile at one another on the street. The earth was a paradise. Flowers popped up in impossible places and bird songs filled the air of every continent. Snow, fog, rain showers, spread with such astounding and unexpected beauty to every setting. Animals were loved as family members and it was natural instinct to be kind to one another. There were possibilities at every turn, no limits stood in your way and you could almost do anything. What we forget to realize that very little has changed. The world is still a beautiful place, we just tend to only see the worst of it. Love your universe because it is still as beautiful as ever.

I loved you like a child loves Christmas
Craving the attention
Looking forward to the unknown prizes
Hoping to get exactly what they wished for
The not knowing
Is the best part
I loved you like a bee loves honey
Working hard to get the best
To bring the best home
Looking through each part of you
Discovering new sweetness
I loved you like a little girl loves makeup
Discovering new colors
Painting the beautiful on
Experimenting with the shades of your eyes
I loved you like you were the only thing beautiful in the world
I treasured your company
I took pictures because there were pieces of you
I never wanted to forget about
I looked at you longer than friends should
I stared with a compassion that storytellers use
Passing down their generation with metaphors
I loved you with my whole self
and I remain whole in your arms
Do not break me

I never knew if you were so in love with me it hurt or if you never loved me at all

There is no way to train your heart to realize when someone means it
when they tell you that they love you
No way to teach your mind to pick our small details in their posture or
the way their left brow twitches right as the word 'love' slips off of their tongue and out of their mouth
Though it would be easier if we could just know when someone is actually in love with the structure of your soul
Who really understands the meanings behind all of your fears and passions
Someone who does not succumb to pressure and says it to make you feel safer but instead only saying it when it is true because though not hearing it back is hard, hearing it fall and shatter on the ground beneath you is a lot more painful because you have to pretend that you believe it, have to pretend that this is real and the only this falling on the ground is his pride
And in most cases, you do believe this, because you will convince yourself that your love is enough for the both of you to share
Though you know you feel more, it is okay because your overflowing cup will fill up the empty space of his
Do not fool yourself
You will want to do everything is your whole being to make this work but love only held on one side is not love at all
Regrettably, there is no way to train your heart to realize when someone means it when they tell you that they love you
But there is a way to know
Do not believe them when they tell you
Believe them when they show you
That is how you will know

I am falling in love with you
very quickly
and at this rate
I know I will probably hit the ground
faster than you can put your arms out
to catch me

You were the sudden thought and craving that had been running through my mind for weeks
And finally I became the ghost of a night that was supposed to happen with someone else
I was scared and frigid and you broke me like a number two pencil
You tore away just pieces of my innocence that felt like tearing down brick walls that were built for a reason
Why did I give in so easily
And now I think of you and wonder if I was more than a one night "pretend love"
I wonder if it meant maybe just a little more
Now you only look at me like a gift you wish came with a receipt
But now I think we have both learned that there are no refunds for regrets
You sewed a string of excuses why it was okay because you were just being a man
I gave you a little of what you wanted
And now I am trying to convince myself that I do not need it back

I love the feeling of anticipation
how being unsure is such a crutch
but it's a rush that kisses the inside of my veins
I look at you and I see sweet, innocence
that is merely hiding behind a smile
so bright it could give a blind man sight
I have gained feelings and as much as I hate to say it
I like being curious about the fact
that maybe you have too

Carefully disposing of things that do not hold close to me in winter weather
Slipping like ice through fingertips
Too cold to remain in one place
I am sorry that you cannot hold a grip on me
And that I tend to fall out of your hands more than I probably should
This is not an easy battle for any of us
In every war, both sides will always experience downfalls
There is never a triumph without there first being a failure
I do not remember how I started this
I do not remember the day my heart clenched on to yours at all
And I'm sorry that my heart is uncertain of its disposition around you now
My mind is drifting from the shore like a child lost at sea and I am trusting it's going to be alright sooner or later
Hoping that God doesn't disappoint me
I am not sure of most things to be completely honest
And to be blunt, I am not sure of you at all
And frankly that is all I am sure off
And for that I am sorry
Ice was never meant to be warm
Ice has always been cold
And always will be

This is not a poem about you
So do not so much straighten out your posture
When your name arrives
This is not a poem about you
Or about how you make me feel
Though I would love to talk of it
As I could for hours
How your tender touch makes me shiver
How just being wrapped in you
I feel as if the oceans waves have crashed over
In the most beautiful way possible
It is a rush and it is calming and roaring
With oh, the desire to kiss you
But this is not a poem about you
It is not
About how the craving of lips
Never failed to occur after we dismiss each other
Or how at night the sound of your voice echoes in my head
I replay little moments where it looked like
You maybe, sort of, almost loved me
This is not a poem about you
Although, I wish it could be
I am sorry for writing too many
I am sorry for enclosing my writing to being
Only about you
This poem is not about you
Although, those that are
They are my favorite

It's the day you get to see him
an hour and a half to stare at him
hoping he doesn't catch you
yet still kind of hoping he does
because if he sees your eyes
maybe it will remind him of
the light that was once there
but isn't there anymore
and maybe
he'll wonder why

I dreamed that you would answer when I called
We would talk for hours like we used to
You would insist we meet in person
I would agree without hesitation
I dreamed that you would open when I knocked
Wouldn't even check to see who it was
You knew that it was me, you did not care to see me through glass
The door would swing wide and we would embrace
Lips locking, I dreamed they would, they never did
I dreamed that you would give when I asked
You wouldn't even have to look
You knew exactly where you placed it
You knew you were soon going to give it away
But love was always a hard thing to find
And lips were so much farther than they seemed
I could feel your breath touch my mouth and so could you mine
A phone call often goes to voicemail when someone doesn’t want to pick up, when someone is busy, when someone doesn’t want to talk
I dreamed that this would be a lot easier
I am still dreaming, sometimes about you
But most of the time, about us

It was just a drunk kiss