pastel drawings hanging on faded floral wallpaper in broken picture frames
this used to be a lovely scene before you left with
all of your secrets and lies swept under the carpet
these floorboards hold more skeletons underneath them than you could even count
I ask myself often how it was so easy for you to walk out
you didn't even lace up your shoes or
straighten up your hair
but before you try to step back into my life
don't forget to wipe your shoes on the doormat
for only God knows where those soles have taken you
muddy puddles, cracked concrete, and graveyard grass
but darling, one more thing
while you're out there on your own
be careful not to trust so fast
for I have more places to go in a game of hide-and-seek
more places that you never knew existed

falling in love with your best friend
is one of the scariest, yet most lovely experiences
to be forever intertwined with the one who knows
everything about you
like mentos and diet coke
so exciting yet makes such a mess
and neither of us want to pick it up because we're too busy laughing
love is dangerous but with you
i love a little risk

It's hard not to love you
And I know it should be easier now that your gone
But in truth it has only gotten harder
It's like you have knowingly trained me to miss you
And all this hot weather has got me wanting to take a swim in your eyes
Craving the affection I never really received
I imagine that I know what your lips taste like
It's like watching someone eat something you are allergic to
And you have never had it yourself, but you imagine it's wonderful
Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did,
Even when it was hard it was easy
Loving you was like breathing
I am watching you fall in love with her and
I am watching her fall in love with you
And while I am watching you fall in love with each other
All people can do is ask me if I am okay
This world is no place for people with hearts
Not when we give them away so easily
And yet knew this and still loved you
I loved you anyways

Loving you is so sweet
like the delight in finding something you lost
after you've looked forever
and become accustomed to the fact
that is was forever gone
Loving you is so sweet
if I could blush any harder
the blood would spur from my cheeks
How you make me feel
makes my heart flutter with wings
that never go the speed limit
You are the compelling reason
I seem to always crave a little risk
because why live life in the middle
when there's an edge
Loving you is so sweet
but the process is slow
like learning to play an instrument
knowing that through it all
every endeavor, every new discovery
we are making something beautiful
Loving you is so sweet
You seem to somehow occupy
every empty room in my mind
Every vacant space is filled with the memory of you
Your smile is tattooed on my brain
Loving you is so sweet.
So when I arrive at your house tonight
and you try to pick out the perfect shirt and tie
Just know that I am not worried about what you will wear
or how much the food is going to cost
or if my make up smears and my hair frizzes
Loving you is so sweet
That it is understood that
all other things
sand behind that sweetness

I am trying to find the words that help make a day sane
Words that undo the torturous mishaps in my past
Words that provide a light in the dark
A crescent moon and a broken wick
I sit waiting for a dictionary to open up to me
Patiently my mind gathers tools to reassemble my broken thoughts, trampled heart and willingness to easily forgive those who have guided me into the oblivion
Lately I feel like a funeral, like I've died and no one cared to bury me
Perhaps I have reached the other side but am stuck in the doorway, reaching for the TV remote just to drown out the uncomfortable silence
I am less than words, undulating down to cigarette ashes
I wonder if a book feels as lost as I do if it hasn’t been touched in a long time
I have been touched but I have not been felt; not been held
My mind often wanders and lately I don't bother catching it
Perhaps it will find the words I have been looking for for years

My skin trust his fingers
Like the spider trusting the shoe
While it is on its way down to crush it
I know you are no good for me
But it is so comforting to know
That someone wants me
Even if it is only for tonight
While you are intoxicated
And you do not know what you are doing
Because, though, it sounds troubling
There is hope that you will remember it tomorrow
And maybe not regret it

Lately I have been searching for inspiration
Waiting patiently in the corner of my bedroom
I trail the walls, paint them different color in my mind
Wonder if I can write about change
I stand back in Times Square
Gaze at the lights, follow the people, count their footsteps
I wonder if I can write about the city
Then I find myself checking my phone
Email overflowing, social media always the same
And your name
I wonder if I can write about you
And I can, but I know it is only empty words
Because I know you won't read them

I've learned that no matter how many coins you throw into a fountain or how many fingers you cross, you cannot make someone love you and neither can superstition

2. Almost is the worst way to love someone and if you cannot do it whole heartedly, you should not do it at all

3. I've learned that you cannot trust the things your heart tells you when it's sad

4. I've learned what it feels like to have my throat tighten a little every time I talk about you and I've learned what it feels like to taste pennies in my mouth every time I say your name

5. I've learned that you cannot always be a love story, sometimes you have to make yourself a bridge worth burning

6. Loneliness is when you lay down at night and your ceiling burns with rage because it is only looking at one person

7. I've learned how to know if you really love someone because you don’t give people the power to destroy you that you don't love

8. And I've learned that even if you know it is coming, you can never prepare yourself for how it feels

She's young and confused
Her mind is hazy and her decision making
Has not yet matured
So she downs a bottle every night
Making herself numb
Never tapping out, just blacking out
Feeling that if she feels nothing
Maybe she will feel something
She loses her stability in drunken obscurity
She loves being drunk because
All of the guys are drawn to her
She feels like she fits in
Because if a boy seemingly likes you
In that state, then maybe that was the new cloud nine
They don't know she is confusing
This flirtatious intoxicated brush of the lips
She is confusing this with love
She loses herself like she always does
Because she's just waiting for someone to give it up to
The next morning has never been so cold
There is something about falling asleep to someone
But only waking up to a dent in your mattress
And she will never learn
That you will never find someone
While looking at a blurred picture
There is no clear answers
Only assumption
Do not search for your prince charming in a bar
Because it is too dark to see his face
And you are too drunk to realize the risk
You are about to take
And you think
It is only a kiss
But it never is
And it never will be

Addiction is seeking comfort in that which is destroying you
I have found I am addicted to loving you even though you are gone
I find myself craving your attention and my mind is begging me to avoid you
Because it knows better than my heart does
I fall for the simplicity in our text messages
The soft comments and compliments that are so friendly
You know how frail and thin my skin is,
How do you expect your words to not cut right through it
We joke and kid and laugh and seriousness will creep in but never for too long
I cannot describe my feelings the day after a rainstorm or how I feel when the sun sets early in the winter
And I cannot describe my feeling when I am talking to you
It is something sweet, like it is getting better
I am blossoming but this rain on some days is far too heavy
On some days it hurts me and you do not even notice
In this story you are the one who moves on and finds a girl who doesn’t write her thoughts onto paper instead of admitting she has them
I am the girl who's hand is always numb do to the constant writing about the one who has moved on to something better
I am sorry I could not love you like I wanted to
I am dealing with the consequences of letting you go
And this addiction to you is killing me
I have done real drugs and smoked and drank and I know what it is like to crave something every waking minute of the day yet with you
I have never been more afraid
Of overdose

If you are not recovering you are dying
A phrase I have taken to heart
Tattooed on every bone of this skeleton inside of me
Despite its harshness, it's beyond true
If you are not recovering you are dying
Naturally, it didn’t offend me until I learned it was supposed to
I often sit and think of you for hours on hours
Wasting my time, as most people do on thinking of those they love who do not love them in return
It is the bittersweet past time of humans
Coffee shops are stained with more than coffee stains
I wonder how many chairs I've sat in that held someone else broken off of the ground
I wonder how many salt water lakes I have walked over when approaching the barista
My coffee burns my tongue
But no other feeling lingers worse on my mouth than the feeling of your lips
I have taken understanding that love does not mind giving scars
Remorse was never it's best attribute to conscience
We must know that in the midst of something wonderful chaos is making blueprints
Planning attack like a predator that has not eaten for days due to the winter
Nutrients to keep it alive have been hiding in trees and under snow
It is the middle of December and I ache for nothing more than your warmth
No amount of coats and sweaters can comfort me like your arms
Wrapped around me like a Christmas present
My coffee burns my tongue
But the flame of his words pressed against my skin
I do not love you anymore
Does not amount to the physical distress my body undergoes
My coffee burns my tongue
And I have not eaten because I am too full of a love
How strange it is to feel so empty but so unable to consume
Like a vase with no flowers
I am waiting for something beautiful to offer me meaning
And though waiting is not deemed to be the worst
The hands of my clock are leaving bruises on my wrist
My coffee burns my tongue
But in a few hours, it will heal
And I will taste cold coffee as the heater in my car warms my hands
If you are not recovering, you are dying
And at this point, I fear I will not see tomorrow
The dew on my window will not meet the ashes from my cigarette
Tomorrow I will not make it out of bed
Tomorrow I will not go downstairs and make coffee
It will not burn me
Cause I fear I will already have burned out

We will have to keep quiet about this love
A love story never to be published
Never to be seen by anyone
Always closed doors and deleted text messages
Always turning off the camera
Always turning off the light
We will have to keep quiet about this love
Because not everyone is ready for it
Everyone except us

It's not that I hate you because I truly do not
And it's not that I want you to move far away because I don't think I do
And maybe it's not that I want you to never smile again
Because everyone deserves to see sunlight indoors sometimes
I just want you to stop coming around
But then again I wish you were closer
I am so indecisive with what I want from you
I want you to go away but I'll still crave you all the time
And I want you to come back but what if you leave
Loving you is walking on a tightrope with no safety net below me
And every few seconds you wonder what would happen
would anyone catch me
if i just slipped up
and fell

Do not confuse the act of kindness with the art of love
There is a line drawn in the sand that you desperately hope the tide will wash out but it never does
There is a difference between a drunken kiss and a sober smile
Do not think for a second you are the reason he wore cologne tonight
Do not acknowledge the hundreds of ropes untangling themselves in your stomach
Do not let his words seep into your skin
Believe them as much as you would believe the words of a man whom you've never met
He will smile in your direction
And it will make you feel like candlelight
Do not let the flame grow
You may think it will keep you warm but it will only burn you and you will wake up with the scars from his fingertips and try to fill in the gaps with liquor
But his taste burns so much sweeter than any alcohol
There is something so captivating about a wildfire
That we want to reach out and touch it
And when we do, it will burn us
Every Time

My love is a building
The foundation beneath it was laid carelessly
Workers smoked and drank, they were unaware and sweetly intoxicated
My love is a building decaying in rain or snow
It cannot withstand such trouble
It is a strong yet fragile house
A lovely uncouth prison, a clumsy little girl's doll house
My love is a building
It is hidden and silent like folding a sheet of tissue paper
With every winter storm, it shivers in the wind
I am sorry to my love
For not taking care of you
The wallpaper withers, falls onto your creaking wood floors
As dust gathers in the basement
Laying particles of the atmosphere over old pictures and mementos
I still have your necklace
And I will hang myself with it around my neck
From the stairwell  
Because everything else in this house
Is falling apart anyways

Today you will wake up anxious
Roll out of bed a little more gracious than usual
Stretch your back, pull your shoulders back
Take in a deep breath, exhale and smile
Check your phone to see if she has left you a message
You think of how she will look tonight
Double check to make sure the reservations are still intact
Make sure that everything will go as planned
But then again, even if it doesn’t, you will still be with her
Today you will avoid me
It will be different from the rest of the week
You will be too busy preparing to reply
Your mind will wander towards an image of her
You know she will look better dressed up than I ever did
Today you will put on a button up shirt
Tuck it in your slacks
Wash your face, look in the mirror and grin
You cannot wait to see her
Today you will put on a tie
And will be sure it is the perfect length
You will make sure it is not too tight
Make sure she can get if off if needed
Today you will go out
Dance the night away with her hand in yours
You will be nervous the whole time
Because you don’t want to mess up
But even in the midst of your anxiety
She has an aroma of peace about her that can always calm you
She is better than I ever was to you
Today the universe is reminding me that you are a love I have long lost
She will look in the mirror, smile in practice for pictures
I cannot look in a mirror anymore  because all I see are the parts of myself that you got sick of looking at
My sober mind blushes at the thought of you dressed up
But I cringe at the thought of you kissing her
I wish you a safe night, fun, exciting
Be careful, and I will try to be careful too
For my night will be much more dangerous
Locked away in the confines of this unusually cold bed

There is nothing worse than being in love but having to leave anyways
Knowing that he is still waiting at the door, knowing that you will always be invited inside
But still, you never visit
Because moving away is not just a change of address
So don't make me ruin it by saying it out loud, just tell me you love me and wave goodbye
I cannot bear to hear the words so whisper them if you must
And I understand you think it is foolish of me leaving
You think perhaps love is greater than childhood dreams
But my plane is about to leave, the gate is closing
I'm sorry but I have to go

I am afraid to love someone else
With the fear of them kissing me
And realizing my lips are the remnants
Of the last boy who loved me
Fear he will never be sure if my closed eye hunger
Was real or from practice
Fear that he will be scared
Of the no trespass sign on my body
I am afraid to love someone else
Because I still love you endlessly

I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Cease to exist in only one mind
Because love gets lonely too
It is a lot easier to share an arrow than you might think
The equally experienced pain, sharing in comfort for one another
Loving someone is giving them the map of your weaknesses
And hoping they do not abuse their right to explore
Our love was a perfect amount of splattered paint
Branded on life's bland canvas
We allowed color to flow from our veins
But I am standing in a pool of only red
I fell through the cracks in your skin and that is where I remain
I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Because though love is such an exquisite thing
It is not as beautiful, when you are only looking at one half
Of the whole picture

We were lukewarm hearts and cups of coffee
Breakfast in bed on Sunday morning
Videos of laughter and short-lived occurrences
Late night drives with the radio too loud
Saturday afternoon movies and naps
And a box of letters that ended in
P.S. I love you

I think it is time we drink the stars
Let them sink through the sheets of our skin like spilled white wine
Overflow our veins with their constellation language
Let their fluorescence course through our blood stream
Stain the walls of our bones with their light
I think it is time we drink the stars
I think it is time we meet them too

we can not love out loud
because hidden love is too much fun
and letting the light touch it
would be such a waste
of laughter and secrets

Remember our walks in the park, how I ran from you and you chased me and I have never played such an exquisite game of tag. Remember the laughter, the summer skies and sunsets, the way I link my arm to yours like a crisscross safety net that never said forever but almost
Remember my secrets, how I have them all to you and how I took apart my pride piece by piece
I put my shield in the paper shredder and I said "there I'm naked, ask me anything" and you asked me what I was afraid of and I was afraid of losing you but I said I was afraid of spiders
Remember the first time you held me, drunk and stupid on a front porch in the rain it was approximately one in the morning and I whispered I love you under my breath and you didn't hear me but looking back I wish you did
At that point I had already started writing about you and I guess you had been looking for ways to escape
Remember the dark, remember me kissing you back while you threw up everything you couldn't take in your cup anymore
Remember sitting in the corner of a coffee shop and you were trying to your work but love gets in the way of that sometimes and I was reaching under the table. Remember the laughter.
Remember dancing around my room to your favorite song about me. Remember the laughter.
Remember going swimming in full clothes, it was so cold and it was so peaceful and playful. Remember the laughter.
Remember the staying up all night getting high, playing music loud, and you couldn't keep still, remember the laughter.
Remember lying in bed, drunk and I couldn't see straight and you could see right through me, remember when I went swimming and you watched me.
Remember going walking, and you loved to play soccer and I tried but I was no good, remember the laughter
Remember the late night phone calls, rambling about our days, about our family, about our favorite memories with one another, remember the laughter that bled through the phone
Remember when I called you crying choking on my words and we went back to the same coffee shop where I fell in love with you and we got a free coffee
Remember asking me to homecoming, remember showing me your new guitar, remember listening to the song I wrote about you, remember showing me the song you wrote about her
Remember me as best you can
Don’t forget about it all
Don’t forget about me

I am falling in love with you
And I am not sure if I should
Apologize or thank you for that
I am falling in love with you
You are teaching me something new
How to have hope
Hoping that the whole thing makes sense
Even though none of the pieces do
Hoping that we get the order right
I am falling in love with you
And this is not any ordinary love
Forget the shallow stuff, this is the deepest kind of love
The stay up late kind of love
The love that has never made life's lemons taste sweeter
I look at this love and marvel how anything could be wonderful
This love it small
But it is growing
Today we are a match
And we will one day grow to be a forest fire
I am igniting my mind with thoughts of you
This love holds every vacant space in my brain
I am falling in love with you
I hope you are falling in love with me too

I crave intimacy
Delicate touches that reach into me like pressing down on an old mattress, feel my skin cave in, hear it creak and cry out
Make this sound into a melody
One that I will sing to myself on nights that you are not here
I crave intimacy
Drawn out conversations about the future and the past, avoiding mistaken mishaps and leaning over boundary lines
Racing towards insanity, or racing away from it
Whichever you would prefer
I crave intimacy
Dancing in the dim light coming from the television screen in the living room, neither of us are very good at it so the laughter is much more consistent than the skill of our movement
I crave intimacy
Kisses on my neck that send lightning bolts down my spine, there is something about lips touching the bases of what holds your head up, it makes you want to fall into them
Kisses on my neck from your lips would make me never want to stand again, I can only imagine the paralysis
I crave intimacy
Simple sometimes, simple as going out to lunch and splitting the ticket, or sweet glances in the car, or showing you my favorite songs, or even soft skims of the back of our hands as we walk side by side, a marvel that neither of us were expecting
I crave intimacy
With someone who does not push me past my limits, someone who respects my hazardous past, someone who does not question my ability to walk, even when I know that I can't
Someone who believes in me
Someone a lot like you

Falling in love with you
Simply doesn’t make sense
There's no logic to it
There's no brilliant explanation
That makes everyone suddenly understand
Falling in love with you
Is a playful game
Toss you around and laugh
When your hair gets messed up
Whoever smiles more is the winner
And the prize is only more jokes
Falling in love with you
Is something not everyone will notice
Something you can point to
But you cannot actually see
Something that’s not concrete
But not abstract
Falling in love with you
Is a little frightening
It is a scary process for sure
But I asked for it
What I have discovered about myself
Is I've never asked for something
That I wasn’t at least just a little bit afraid of
Falling in love with you
Is an easy task but hard work
I cannot help but do it
But in the midst of the ease
It is taking a lot more energy
Than I had ever planned
And I do not mind
You are the match that lights my fire
You are the calm in the storm
You are the hope in my seemingly distraught life
And I do not plan on letting you go
I will tie you around my wrist like a precious balloon
I will handcuff you to me like a criminal
I will hold you like you are the only warm thing in a snow storm
I am falling in love with you
And I do not mind
Not one bit

I have noticed that you only pay attention to me on the days that she pays none to you
On the days when you are craving affection from anyone who will deliver it to you in the worst way
When she cannot follow through with the promises she tells you on the nights that she feels like it
I hate myself for still loving you on the same days that she does
The days where you are glued to her side simply because she will let you
You told me, "You are everything I want in a girl, but I still love someone else"
I am learning that even though I may love on the same day she chooses to, I will not succumb to your beckoning call anymore
I know that I am only mimicking you answering to her
I am working on getting strong enough to press decline
So the next time you call me, I will pick up the phone
Hold it in my hand, feel the humming vibration reverberate throughout my body, down my spine
I will let it go to voicemail
Because there is no use in letting someone drink the rest of your water
When they are on the brink of dying from dehydration anyways

everytime you are around
my speech tends to slow
my eyes open a little wider
my mind takes a train ride
through a forest of immeasurable
possibilities
on how I could get you to realize
that I am still in love with you
and how I could make you
love me
like you once did

Falling in love with you is so easy
I could do it in my sleep,
dreaming of different ways to hold your hand
imagining kisses sweeter than chocolate
Falling in love with you is so easy
I could do it backwards
I wouldn't need rear-view mirrors
it wouldn't matter what was is my blind spot
it would't matter if I hit anything
because this love is reckless
Falling in love with you is so easy
I do not even realize I am doing it
like going up an elevator,
pressing buttons and feeling the slight change in elevation
but never realizing how far you've come
until your look out the window
Falling in love with you is so easy
I feel as if it is the only thing
I have truly ever done completely correctly
and in the wrongest manner
You make my love grow like an infinite river
a never ending push and flow
of repetitive jokes and wanting to kiss you
but also knowing to hold back
because your lips would crack my sweet tooth in half
your taste would leave me breathless
I can not stop falling in love with you
no matter how hard my endeavors are
You make it so easy to fall in love with you
and I hope it is just as easy for you
to fall in love with someone like me

Thoughts from my least used paint brush:
I sometimes wonder what red taste like
I have seen my keeper bleed
****** knuckles, wrists, and knees
I often wonder if different shades of the same color hold the same feeling
I have never felt orange
Have never knit together sunsets or flowers
I am abstinent from such beauty
I have known blue
Paint bucket skies, blended grace to look upon
I do not want to take credit for what I have done
But I still want to be a part
I want to explore the color green
Plant gardens on woven white paper
Grow tall, thin, wide, strong
Walk in this ecstasy as a gardener
I want to build sky scrapers reaching into the lust of clouds
White, black, grey
I am okay with being neutral if it only means I will sip the savoring make up of this masterpiece
A possibility always seems to be floating next to me
I am only waiting to lifted into nirvana
I will wait forever for just one monument with my name carved into it
And I will not falter, I will not give up
My mouth has gone dry but I am hopeful to once again meet with my love of creativity

You didn't say goodbye, but you didn't say hello either
It's like waiting for an alarm to go off
Then suddenly realizing you never set one
I'd like to think that you think of me, maybe
When the world gets really quiet
That the silence would remind you of my heartbeat
And steady breaths
Sometimes, that you would remember my hands on your chest
My hand in your hand
Do you ever think of me at all?
Or and I just footsteps in the snow
A grain of sand on a beach
Cliche song lyrics that you don't bother to listen to anymore
I guess that I understand
I was always the rough draft
But tomorrow
Under your pillow will be the memory of a girl
Who really did love you
One that has moved on
One that has forgotten
One that does not think of you anymore

If I were to write you a letter
the first thing I would do is let you know of all of your flaws
Every single one
Next I would tell you how much I loved them
If I were to write you a letter
I would retell the stories you once told me and
recall each moment where I thought I'd loved you
If I were to write you letter
I would write in pen so that nothing could be erased
each mistake was left alone, as it was, kind of like me
Throwing around 26 letters in certain ways to express my perception
How on our first date, I wish I'd held your hand
How we never bluntly explained our feeling, somehow we just knew
How every time I saw you, I could easily, without second thought
just run up to you, interlock our bodies together for a few seconds
and ask how you were, or how your day was
Now I can't anymore...
The fact that I can't even speak to you anymore,
that's what kills me the most

When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
My blood turned to ice
Tears stung my eyes
My heart rate quickened, it felt like someone was gripping my spine
The weight of the words hung heavy in the air between us
I was in disbelief that what you had said was real
That you would tell me you were just joking
That a smile would cross your face and you would remind me of the time you once said you'd never leave
You would remind me of how you meant it
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
I felt like a piece of wood at the moment an ex strikes
My whole body tried to tear in two different directions
My stomach was lurching as though I had dove into a bottomless pool
It seemed too twisted to be reality
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
Everything within me acted on instinct as though my very survival depended on it
I was so angry, I was so vicious
A wounded animal will tear you to pieces if it's ever cornered
The words spilled out of my mouth like peroxide on an open wound
I felt like I had swallowed poison
But too many words were lodged in my throat, restraining the bitter taste inside of my mouth
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
The words put an instant chill on my humiliation
Because I told you I loved you
The words fell into my lap like spilled white wine
Wasted, deteriorated
I have never felt so much remorse in my life
When you first told me you didn't love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
Still I am in recovery, I fear I will be for a long time

As a smile slips across your face I dance at the thought of someone like you loving me
Here's to all the hours I've spent picturing your cheek bones
To the days where you were the only medicine to cure this disease growing inside of me
Here's to the good times, to the smoke breaks, to the drunken dances in the kitchen
Here's to the vacuous words that made us bleed and to the gentle phrases that drew us forward
Here's to the boy with the green eyes on some days, to the boy with the blue eyes on other days
Here's to the early mornings and late nights
Here's to all the wonder you bring to the table
Being with you feels a lot like being a part of something or like belonging to something much bigger than myself
Being with you feels like falling asleep and waking up in the middle of the night knowing you have a few more hours till you've got to wake up
Or like opening a new book with fresh pages
Being with you feels like getting to know the side of me I never knew I had
Or like finding something that has been lost for years
And I understand love is not always easy in fact sometimes it is not fun at all but it lays and smolders at the core of all human happiness
Life can be as cruel as it is beautiful
Love isn't always magic sometimes it's just how they look at you in the mornings

every person has their flaws
and with those we fall in love
theirs seem to disappear along with
the past times
and every wrong thing
diminishes, but
today I discovered that just because
I could not see your fault
**does not mean it is not there

I am not easy with my words
I do not think, do not ponder, do not wait 5 seconds
I speak
I speak bitterness and enmity
The words flow out of me like blocks of cement
Like cannons, like bullets
Leaving wounds, leaving blood
I have found I am a lot like a body of water
The ocean for example is beautiful looking at it from the shore
But the farther down you go the darker and more grisly it gets
Or perhaps I am like a river
The problem with rivers is they look calm on the surface but underneath they're unpredictable, full of chaos and this is like most people
This is how nature proves visible in seemingly miniscule aspects of our lives
This is how nature destroys itself
This is how we dig our own graves
This is where the story is not so sweet anymore
There is a time and place for everything
There are words for each situations
Ones that fit the puzzle just right, leaving just enough space for comfort
I do not know these places, I do not know these words
I only know cement

Who knows if it’s easier to breathe through your mouth or through your nose
Through the nose I smell your sweet scent
I can memorize the sweet, trace my fingers through the depths of your collar bones
Follow your heartbeat with the tapping of my fingers on your chest
Through the mouth I can breathe you in
Your kiss is more intoxicating than any liquor I've ever remembered tasting
I find myself craving you in moments where I know you won't be there
Who knows if it's easier to breathe through your mouth or through your nose
With you, it does not matter
Not that it ever really did

I am waiting for my silver lining
I have been watching the sun hide behind clouds for months now
Gazing into its bright corners where blinding serpents lay, encouraging the empty hearted
I often tell myself that my silver lining is coming
That no matter the negative electricity illuminating the grey confines of my bedroom where cigarette ashes stain the carpet and sheets
That right on the precipice of this hopeless situation, I will see my silver lining, I just know it
I have grown up with the theory that if you impersonate happiness, it will sew itself into your skin and you just might convince your problems that you better off without them
But I have learned that when it's authentic
Pure, raw, effortless joy, that's your silver lining
And I am waiting, patiently, for mine

You were the vacuum in my life, ******* out all of the bad things
All of the dirt, the waste, the trash, the insecurity that I swept under my carpet
You took it all away
I sat back in a clean apartment and kept thinking
What if I'd actually love being a mess...

If I were to describe you
I would write for days
Write until my hand goes numb
Write until my lead runs out
Write until the paper I wrote on had covered every blank space
I could write books about you
and how I felt for you
and how I wished you knew
and how I wished I could muster up the courage to tell you all of the things that I refused to let out of the bottle
You are a the red light that I always end up running
You are the punchline to my favorite joke
You are the chorus to my favorite song
You are light that wakes me up every morning
But you are also the thick darkness that puts me to sleep
Waking up to damp pillows and cold coffee
Too cold to get out of bed
Too scared to face the truth that you really have forgotten me
A broken pencil and a trash can full of ripped pages
I woke up every morning asking myself the same question
Hoping for the same answer yet knowing that it was all just a lie
You have taught me to lie to myself and believe it
I look at you and my knees go weak
Your eyes drown my entire being in a warm sea of blue and green waves that never fail to crash in the exact same place
Your lips carry me away so peacefully and swift that I forget where I am, that forget to stop staring, that I forget that we don't even don't even speak to each other anymore
If I were to describe you
I don't know exactly what metaphors I would use
And I'm not sure I would ever be okay with you reading it
But of everything I have learned from being around you
whether I am with you or not
I know that every word I write
is never the right one
Every word I write
is **wrong

I write, not to deploy pity or ***** commonplace conceptions
I write to potentially discover the sole rationale as to why I am who I am
What variety of experience and array of struggle has molded my self being
And who is to say that I have or have not become who I was intended to
There is a fine line of losing touch with society's notion of impeccability and drifting towards the horizon of individual pediment in assembling the parts of your inner soul
The pieces of you that may never see the light of day but still continue to participate in your decision making and how you articulate ideas
Every part of the whole is significant
Yet we continue to sprint towards the standards of conformity
Our lives, slowly becoming a smaller line of which we walk upon, holding tight to mediocrity
Because the only thing to do when the curtain is falling is say what the audience wants to hear
And I fear that perhaps I and clinging to the same things I curse over without being aware of it
So, I write, not to deploy pity or ***** commonplace conceptions
I write to potentially discover the sole rationale as to why I am who I am
Perhaps I am who I think I am, whomever that may be
All I do know, however, is I am not who you think I am

I want to write about my grandmother's hands
And how they have performed through life
Maneuvering with wooden spoons as steam permeates into her skin
Worn and wrinkled but still beautiful
Scrubbing stubborn leftovers off of glass plates
Tucking in weary children in dim lighting
Crawling into bed, gripping the end of the covers, pulling them over herself, keeping warm in winter weather
Wrapping herself up, placing her hands under the cold pillow
These hands have mirrored warriors
Marched like marines, held other hands, they have been kissed
They have been clenched into fists
They have been burned by aluminum pans
Slaving away for her family
These hands only want the best for you
These hands have wiped away tears
These hands have trembled at what they could not prevent
My grandmother's hands are still at work
The longest career imagined, laboring through the world
Layering themselves in survival
Her hands have experienced life in many different ways
And I will continue to read them like a story book
Until they go cold

in still moments our souls
entrust us with thoughts
that open up a gate
meant to be kept hidden
until our bones are strong enough to carry the weight
that old lovers refused to take with them
like the disappearance of a father
leaving a little girl in constant wonder
in still moments we climb trees
and look out at the view that the veil has kept hidden from us
but they apologize with fragments of sunsets
in still moments we remember
we recall the laughter
we reread old stories
we try to make it seem as if it is all still so happy
in still moments
just before the noise and the motions return
just before reality walks back in
we pause
because sometimes in still moments
there is an unconstrained fear
and then
you wake up

We are destined to arrive at our graves alone so why is it that we pursue companionship so furiously with someone who will arrive at a different time? We anxiously dive into this realm of uncharted territory, hoping to find someone who will fill in our timeline with love and fancy. What I have come to learn over the years is that love is a savage and merciless emotion, a creature unyielding and untamed, yet we still chase it relentlessly.
Why?
It’s just what we do. Among all feelings, love can give you wings and revive the dead broken parts of yourself that you once thought were irreputable. Love can set your life into bloom. Love feels like spring. Sometimes. Other times though, love is malicious and malignant but we say, No, love only means well, Love has the best intentions, but is this true?
Let’s say that perhaps Love does mean well and is truly trying very hard to devise us each with a kindred spirit to bring us unbounded warmth and pleasure. However, Love is not perfect and will often miss a step or forget the formula. Love will forget to call or remarry only 6 months after the divorce.
But do we blame Love for this? How can we?
It is the most compelling passion that is granted to the human race. The one thing that can soften the savage beast. In a world full of temporary things, Love is a perpetual feeling. Love keeps us constant and alive like a compass in the dark wood.
So, as this fleeting moment that we call life presses by, we sit next to the pretty girls in class and dance with the man at your best friend’s wedding because Love is infinite. It is a relentless thirst that we will try to quench, always. It is the one thing that neither god nor any force on earth could steal from us. A right embedded into our very souls, carved into the stone walls of our minds. We will do the impossible for love.
It wires us, makes us feel safe, makes us feel crazy, makes us feel everything all at once. We would die for it. We would **** for it. Love has no limits. It is the one thing that we can take with us when we are buried. I do not know what happens when we pass over, but I take great comfort in knowing that someone will come to visit my bones and tend my flowers even after I have gone.
That is why we dive.

I think we all imagine our lives
to look just like the pictures
we painted in our minds as children
because at that point we have not yet come
to the realization that life is a roll of the dice
you can not choose
you can only guess

I have been trying to love you slowly
Like painting a picture
Exercising each color
Mixing different ones
Covering over mistakes
Learning from them
Loving you slowly
Like learning to ride a bike
Starting with training wheels
Until I can balance myself
On my own
Loving you slowly
Like writing a book
Using metaphors
Fixing the grammatical errors
Learning that each and every word
Has a deeper purpose
Loving you slowly
Like using a needle to dig through
A granite wall
Like emptying the ocean
Using only a teaspoon
Like putting out a forest fire
By spitting on it
Loving you is a slow process
I want to realize the significance
I want to focus on every detail
I want to keep this love alive
For as long as I can bear
I know that we are not to the point
Of calling this love

But slowly, oh, so slowly
I know we will get there

When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel a hole forming in my chest
My heart was digging to the bottom of my ribcage
So they it wouldn't spill all of its secrets
I imagine the word "yes" flowing from my body
Like water pouring from my lips
When they asked me if I loved you
My jaw crumbled like wet sand
My tongue and breath did not remember
How to work together in order to form words
I did not know how to lie to them
It's like I can feel my teeth begin to decay
When you acidic name slips through them
When they asked me if I loved you
I hope they would try to tuck the question back into their pocket
Maybe if I stayed quiet long enough they would
The uncomfortable silence was beginning to be noticeable
I never meant for this to sound so much like shot gun
When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel the pressure against the walls
The flood was far to overbearing
I will love you until I don't anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I told them that I didn't
Simply because I find it useless to soak
A bath of room temperature love
When you mix hot with cold
The climate is never pleasing
I have learned
That when someone asks me if I love you
To always say no
Just to resist the risk of the words traveling to your ears
I cannot bear for you to know that I still love you
Even though you have left
You have filled something in me that is still full
Even though you are not here anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I responded calmly
Acted as if it was a punchline I saw coming
Acted as if it wasn’t breaking my spirit in two
Acted as if I was fine with answering
"No."

Standing on a sidewalk edge looking out
And though there are cars passing
People are walking, street lights changing
Horns honking, birds flying over head
Telephones are ringing and children are singing along to the radio
The world around me is on a God's schedule
An abundance of things happening and any one of them could distract me yet
I still think of you
It does not matter where I am, it does not matter where I go
Your ominous presence is always there
My mind flutters with thousands of thoughts
Some of them, I admit, are not about you
But they still are are ones I want to tell you about
Your laugh has slipped into every cup of coffee
Your smile has tattooed itself into every night sky
I wonder if I will ever find someone who loved the sky as much as I do
I fear that no one will ever see such beauty in the stars
No one would lie outside with me until 3 am just looking at them
Do you remember being reckless?
How even though you knew you were running late to be home you would mumble sleepily,  "just a few more minutes"
These cars rushing past, in a hurry to get to a job interview, a meeting, a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place,  a home
I wonder if this sidewalk knows that although I am walking slowly, pacing myself in each heel-toe, I wonder if this sidewalk knows
That I am not going to a job interview, or a meeting, or a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place, I am going home
To you

It's so easy to write about pain
but why write about a dark room
when you have a candle and a match

It is easy to worry
About almost everything
Clothes, appearance, love
We tend to find a problem
In all things
But I have discovered that worrying
Is like a treadmill
You are tiring yourself out
But you're also staying in one place