When your body feels foreign and abandoned
When your hands are shaking more
than the soil before an earthquake occurs
When your words seem to only grow louder
but never have more meaning added to them
They are only adding fuel to this fire that never should have started in the first place, there was not much to do after it started
Just watch it burn, feel it pierce your skin
When he yells, when he hits, when he yells more
Do not let it dismay you
Wipe the blood from your face, do not cry
There is no use in showing more weakness to this man
This man who claims to love you will tower over you
Holding you hostage, peeling off your innocence
Do not scream, do not alert the neighbors
Everything will be alright just wait until this is over
Let the silence resonate in your ears
Do not flinch when he yells again for he will only feel more superior
Do not fight for yourself after it all because you know he loves you
Deep down it is not just anger
You swear deep down he's a good guy

I find myself wanting to get in a life threatening accident just to see if you would come and visit me in ICU
If it would even cross your mind to see how I was doing
Or if you would go to her house instead and talk about how tragic it must be for my parents
Find your solace in her lips
Wrap your arms around her body like putting on a seatbelt
Fall into her kiss like falling out of a passenger door
Lay next to her in her bed having no trouble breathing at all
I wonder if you will think of me
How my lungs are gripping air in its palms pulling it in with every ounce of strength they have
How they are fighting to keep me alive
Blood pumping, adrenaline running up and down this highway
Heartbeat faster than the day I fell in love with you
Mind racing, body aching, a tornado of agony awakening within me
And you will be comfortable, sending a text to my mother saying that you were sorry for what happened
I wonder if you even would be sorry
I find myself risking everything for just one more miracle
But sitting behind the steering wheel of a car
I can never bring myself to swerving into the other lane or into a tree or off a bridge
Because although I am curious what would happen
I cannot risk dying without knowing if maybe one day you would come back without me having to be on the edge of death first

You told me that you still think about us but that it does not mean you do not want to be with someone else
And in a strange way it gives me comfort to know that you could see a girl with long black hair walking down the street or hear my favorite song on the radio or even catch the smallest trace of my scent on that old T-shirt and if it just for a fleeting moment you feel a pang longing for me somewhere in your heart
Even if it is small like a cancer cell
I wonder if it will grow
Extend this body of harm,
Poison your emotions with the stains of our love
Or if maybe her love will attack this parasite
And leave me unidentified as if I were never there in the first place
Towering over me like a building with a plane about to crash into it
The audience wonders if the pilot will turn in time
I hope she falls in love with you
And I hope she feels the silence in her bones when you kiss her
I wonder if you will think of me
Let the world whisper love letters I never sent to you in your ears
Let each letter be carved into your lips, hoping it does not stain hers enough for her to notice when she is getting ready for dinner
And I only just hope you will leave the radio on

I love watching the world fall asleep
Tucked underneath a skyline blanket of atmosphere winking at stars as if it's something that's it's not supposed to do but it's beautiful anyways
Lying beneath the quaking sound of the interstate cars running wild burning up gas like wildfire smoking the ceilings of bedrooms
Backseats made to feel like a home
The world is falling asleep and I am lying awake
Loving someone who is loving someone else
Watching her drift into unconsciousness like it is the first movie he has ever seen
Watching her while I am watching the world
I wonder if we are looking at the same thing

I have found myself discovering new hobbies to release the things inside of my head
Drawing, painting, writing, playing music
Anything to let these thoughts escape without me having to say them out loud
I wonder how many times people have used a pen or paintbrush because they can't pull the trigger either
You have drained the life out of me and then called it romance
And it was beautiful despite the desolation I am in now
So I am using the left over scraps from my body to create new homes
And though they are only models, I am learning to love the girl you left behind nonetheless
I know that one day I won't have to fight to be alright
Let these callused hands find rest in mapping their way out on paper
Making new exits out of these woods that your shoes have never touched
I will bleed and blister in cutting these things down
But I have learned that in order to make a new way
You have to go through the trouble of doing so
So I will draw these trees, paint them, write about them
And sing with their inhabitants
With hopes that this love song might somehow travel to you
I just hope you'll be listening

It's hard not to love you
And I know it should be easier now that your gone
But in truth it has only gotten harder
It's like you have knowingly trained me to miss you
And all this hot weather has got me wanting to take a swim in your eyes
Craving the affection I never really received
I imagine that I know what your lips taste like
It's like watching someone eat something you are allergic to
And you have never had it yourself, but you imagine it's wonderful
Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did,
Even when it was hard it was easy
Loving you was like breathing
I am watching you fall in love with her and
I am watching her fall in love with you
And while I am watching you fall in love with each other
All people can do is ask me if I am okay
This world is no place for people with hearts
Not when we give them away so easily
And yet knew this and still loved you
I loved you anyways

Curl his palms around the lower ends of my back
As an acoustic melody fractures these walls while he is sipping lust from my collarbones
Kissing my body like it is the only thing he knows how to do
Running his hands up like he is reaching for sunlight
The resonance of heavy breathing will cause monsoons in Thailand
And maybe it isn't love
But maybe that's okay
And I do still miss you all the time
And I'm trying to find a way out of this
But what if I'm trying to do the right thing but I am perpetually reading the signals wrong?
What about the grey areas?
I am trying to love myself again
But that is hard to do with hands that are not yours
Carving their names into my body
I want to love you but you just won't let me
And this is where I find my escape
This is where I have been finding my love lately

Why do I wake at 4 in the morning to run my fingers through you hair?
Sleepless lullaby playing in the back of my throat
I want to pull my body onto yours
But it is 4 in the morning and that's insane
Because you're gone now, the kind of gone where you are not expected to return
You have not left for work or for school, you're just gone
The cars on the highway have never sounded so loud
It's as if I can hear the radio static in each one
And I wonder how many people are awake at 4 in the morning wishing for the same things and me
Because though 2 am is lively and 3 am is scary, no one ever talks about 4 am because you are expected to be asleep by this time
It is 5 in the morning and maybe now I will be able to sleep this away, but maybe I will stay up in hopes that you will visit me

My favorite word is authentic
Real and happening, something still alluring with no edit
Like taking a picture of a sunset
Never having to add color or exposure
Because it is how it should be
Authentic like who love should be
Where you don’t have to pretend
Because just looking at them, everything is how it is
And you don’t want to change a thing
Love is real and happening if it is with the right person
My least favorite word is almost
Almost holds failed potential
It represents our ability to be not good enough
Almost is being on the brink of something so beautiful but falling short, this happens so much that we crafted a word for it
We were an almost, an idea misconstrued, a simple possibility that was never played out to the fullest
We could have been something - should have been something - but we weren't
And my god I want to hate you but I don’t and I don’t think I ever could
Because I somehow still think that you were my authentic

Some moments you can just feel, fizzling from out under like a hundred sparklers being ignited for a spectacular light show
"I know I have to tell him," she thinks, "Now or never."
After all there's nothing left to lose but an already fleeting night
She thinks dawn will reach the sky before she tells him
He looks up and smiles and in the moment he's so dear it hurts
She should tell him she still loves him but her lips cannot form the words
Sometimes we hold on to feelings and leave things left unsaid because we are afraid of what could follow
But change is inevitable and life is complicated but it is wild, crazy, and beautiful
So if not tonight, there's always tomorrow
Maybe she will tell him tomorrow

Every inch of my skin aches to be close to yours
Itching like an addict
Want to inject my veins with the light illuminating off your shoulders
My body is a blank canvas waiting for the ink in your fingertips to paint over me
Pin up my love with clothes pins
Display me on billboards on the side of the road
Love me like you think it is the only thing you're good at
Kiss me like you are suffocating and I am the only air supply within a one hundred mile radius
Hold me so tight that not even a typhoon could make me flinch
Let this love grow like a garden at the peak of spring
And there will be rainy days but they will only advance us with the sunlight that follows
And we can look up at the stars like we used to
A sky so bright that no even a thousand unsent love letters could block hide the stars from our view
Look at me and smile and I will do the same
Because this love has the potential to live in perfect harmony with the world around us
And still be so different that people could look and not know what to think, just stand in awe
I hope one day I can live in this love
With you

Some paths are destined to diverge
Meeting in one spot where they are better together
Leading the way, stepping stones for what's to come
Intertwining in the softest light
The love was so persuasive you could taste it
And it sounds so simple to keep going unitedly
But love never is
Some paths are destined to diverge
But some are destined to meet again
And all my hope is planted in that some
And that maybe we could be one of them
To join once more

Can you love me when I am but fuel to the fire
Can you love me when I am a hurricane ripping out the flowers you planted for me
When I am 100 mph on a back road, throwing dust into ecstasy
Can you love me when you come home to find me lying on the ground because the gravity of my situation has reached its lowest point
Can you love me when I am vacant and need your attention
Can you show me your attention when you are busy
Can you love me when my mind is racing from one obstacle to the next
Can you remind me that everything will be alright
Can you love me in silence
When words do not fit the circumstance
When I just need to be held in the safeness of your arms
Can you love me still when I am gone
When my feet wander out the door, when they do this reluctantly
When you think I won't ever return
Can you love me in hopes that I will
Can you love me again
Because I'm on my way back home

Standing on a sidewalk edge looking out
And though there are cars passing
People are walking, street lights changing
Horns honking, birds flying over head
Telephones are ringing and children are singing along to the radio
The world around me is on a God's schedule
An abundance of things happening and any one of them could distract me yet
I still think of you
It does not matter where I am, it does not matter where I go
Your ominous presence is always there
My mind flutters with thousands of thoughts
Some of them, I admit, are not about you
But they still are are ones I want to tell you about
Your laugh has slipped into every cup of coffee
Your smile has tattooed itself into every night sky
I wonder if I will ever find someone who loved the sky as much as I do
I fear that no one will ever see such beauty in the stars
No one would lie outside with me until 3 am just looking at them
Do you remember being reckless?
How even though you knew you were running late to be home you would mumble sleepily,  "just a few more minutes"
These cars rushing past, in a hurry to get to a job interview, a meeting, a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place,  a home
I wonder if this sidewalk knows that although I am walking slowly, pacing myself in each heel-toe, I wonder if this sidewalk knows
That I am not going to a job interview, or a meeting, or a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place, I am going home
To you

A sudden collision creates a storm within you
You see him falling in love with someone else
Watching it like a movie in black and white
You never thought he would paint on someone else's body
Color has turned to grey because being artwork often involves inspiration and he was yours
Your stomach turns, spinning in circles
You remember dancing in the kitchen
The memories claw themselves up your throat and you find yourself talking about him with your friends
And they will smile, gently, and see nothing more but innocent reminiscence
While your mind evolves into a tornado
Destroying everything that doesn’t have his name on it
Getting up in the morning is no longer refreshing because somehow being alive is more painful and pretending to be lifeless
Your dreams are filled with people who are not him and you convince yourself that science has nothing to do with this
They say that when someone appears in your dreams, it means that they are missing you
So I have come to the conclusion that I am found in yours quite often
And I hate science because it fools you into believing that there is a cure to loving someone, that going out with friends and trying to forget him will eventually follow through but it never does
Your bathroom floor suddenly becomes a habitual wasteland
The tile carving itself into the bottom of your thighs where his hands used to be
You think that maybe if you just play pretend
Like a child playing dress up
Wear your favorite clothes and act as if they are your favorite for a reason other than the fact that he loved you in them
Tighten your necklace to where it is almost suffocating you and cutting into your skin
Remind yourself that storms pass
And start preparing yourself to clean up the mess that he has left

I am waiting for my silver lining
I have been watching the sun hide behind clouds for months now
Gazing into its bright corners where blinding serpents lay, encouraging the empty hearted
I often tell myself that my silver lining is coming
That no matter the negative electricity illuminating the grey confines of my bedroom where cigarette ashes stain the carpet and sheets
That right on the precipice of this hopeless situation, I will see my silver lining, I just know it
I have grown up with the theory that if you impersonate happiness, it will sew itself into your skin and you just might convince your problems that you better off without them
But I have learned that when it's authentic
Pure, raw, effortless joy, that's your silver lining
And I am waiting, patiently, for mine

At any time, my heart could stop beating
The repetitive drum pounding in my chest could cease
And it makes me wonder what have I done in my life that is worth writing about
I do not want my eulogy to be filled with my mediocre successes
I do not want my soul to leave without saying all that this body has held inside
I want to say things that make my heart beat so fast my knees quiver
I want to be horribly straightforward to the point where people wonder if I am lying and the irony of it all is that for once I won't be
I want to open up these locked doors and let people inside
Give them a tour of this garden that on some days is not always beautiful
The kind of text messages where I want to throw my phone after I press send and I want to do this because I want to know how alive you feel when you feel something for someone else
Some of us are doing our best to be happy but avoiding sorrow can hinder us from growing
Reaching your lowest point can sometimes remind you that you know how to climb a ladder
And I know it's strange and scary to tell people that you want them, need them, miss them, love them but could you imagine dying without them ever hearing it?

I find myself sitting in the confines of my car thinking about everything except where I am going
My destination never means much unless it is somewhere to meet you
The street lights light up this highway but inside this car it has never been darker
I think of you on most days
Most days being all days
I think of riding in the passenger seat with the music too loud
But I would still shout it to be sure you knew just how much I liked the song
I think of how now I open my own door
And I never would have thought touching a door handle would be so bonding
My wrists get heavier each time I reach for it
I think of how when I was tired or scared or worried, I could lay on your shoulder, wrap my arm in yours
I imagine that you drive with your hand on someone else's thigh
And it makes me sick to my stomach
I find myself sitting in the confines of my car at a red light
And the music is too loud, but maybe it's better that way

In the middle of June, we wake up to the light peering through the blinds, it's 10 am
I squint my eyes just enough to map out where you are
I remember I am wearing your white t-shirt and smile
You are already awake, lying there looking at me
"How long have you been up?" I ask
"Just a few minutes, not too long. How'd you sleep?"
"Wonderful, as always with you," I mumble the last part, "Breakfast?"
He smiles and sits up on his elbow, facing me
"I got it, you just make coffee. Deal?"
He gleams with a smile that could give a blind man sight and all I can manage is a nod.
He kisses my forehead and throws the sheets off his body
I sit there, gazing at him, trying not to fall more in love with him than I already am
I check my phone and my mother called, but I decide to call her later and succumb to following the trail of french toast coming from the kitchen
I hear him humming and walk towards the record player
Digging through out box of records, I choose our favorite, Work Song
I look over at him and his skin almost glows at the melody flowing through the walls
"French toast?"
"Problem?"
"None at all," I grin, "How do you want your coffee?"
He gives me a stern look as if I am serious
"I'm joking, two sugars, one and a half creams," I say kissing his cheek
The thing about love is it can be playful and sweet and reckless all at the same time. We have managed a perfect balance between them all. Love wears dark blue pajama pants. Love has burnt caramel hair and candlelight skin. Utmost of all, love makes the best french toast.

We are a story of bad timing
We let each other in, arms swing wide
Holding the elevator door
We were both destined to be going down
You never realize the change of elevation until your ears pop
Space was tight between us like knots in braids, the air hung hot above us as if we were steaming
The confined walls fogging
The thing about this amorous vapor is it never last very long
The doors eventually open
And we can either choose to step off, or suffocate
We are a story of bad timing
Getting in an elevator
Seconds before a fire

I wish I knew what you were thinking
Wish I could crawl inside of your head
Dissect your thoughts, decipher your fears
Know what all of this means
Know the reason behind every text message
I spend hours searching for a prophetic sign in your words and I am aching to take it back to when it was simple
I didn’t have to use a magnifying glass to see the love
It was not hidden
I often find myself picking up my phone just to know what it feels like to put it down
I tell myself this
I have been trying to claw the rested drop of lonely from my throat
But it is sewn in like a patch on a pair of blue jeans
It is hiding my skin for fear if I fall I will hurt myself
I am homesick for a heartbeat and green eyes
I wish I knew what you were thinking
If there is still something there
If you still love me, don’t just assume I don't

It's like we're a world full of love stories
Spinning slowly on its axis, in this magnificent Milky Way, as if we are slow-dancing around the sun
And maybe we have already crossed paths, caught a glance and kept walking
It's funny how out of the 7 billion people on this earth you will come back and find me and we will fall in love like people do all of the time in this passion-driven world
I cannot help but wonder where we will meet, I cannot help but think of the movies
You will stumble into a coffee shop in grey sweatpants and a t-shirt
First, your eye catches the menu, then you glance left and see a girl reading
Puzzled, curious, and awestruck, you will walk over and ask what she is reading
Or maybe it will be raining in the middle of spring
She will be standing at a cross walk with a magazine over her head
You do your best to avoid traffic in endeavor to reach her
You share an umbrella and love will bloom like the flowers of May
Or maybe we have already met
Know each other's names and secrets
Maybe we have already loved and it failed
But maybe we could do it again
Just maybe, we could do it right this time

At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
You can hardly believe that it has been this long since you have returned
So long that you haven't forgotten the very smell of this building
It used to be bitter, stained with take-out food and cigarettes
Now, however, you find yourself taking bigger breaths in efforts to reminisce
It's funny how some things that used to be so terrible, bring back the sweetest of memories
You think of walking downtown, the streets were littered and the sidewalks were cracked
But when he was with you, God, the sky could be falling and you would somehow still feel so safe
Now, however, you find yourself walking with your hands tucked into your chest
Never in your pockets for fear that you could not slip them out to defend yourself
Things have changed now, you see pictures of the person you love with someone else
It's a feeling that not even the most intricate of words could describe
For fear that the pages would actually bleed and it is hard to read in red now
You think of the roses that you picked up, bare stem, letting the thorns cut into your hands
You think of his hands, how holding them, everything was possible
There was something about him that made you believe in yourself
You had hope for what was ahead, no matter the obstacle, you had guidance
Now, however, you find yourself getting lost more often than usual
When you lose your sense of direction, you love everything
At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
And you can hear her laughing from inside
You can hear him breathing

Falling in love knowing your heart is going to break is the best way to do it
Fall like a summer thunderstorm and don’t look back unless you're searching for flowers that will bloom in your wake
Wander into uncharted territory and let your guard down
Do not let the barb wire fence frighten you, reach out to touch it
Bleed red like the roses he will bring your mother in the winter
Let your thoughts wander over the precipice of the future, imagine him in it, imagine the both of you sharing an apartment
One with wood floors and white walls
Waking up next to him, his arms wrapped around you
Let the sound of his breathing resonate in the compounds of your mind
Remember this sound when you cannot produce it yourself
Your body will turn to face him and he will squint his eyes at the light reflecting off your skin from the window
He will sigh and say "good morning," in sluggish harmony with the most beautiful smile
The innocent kind where nothing could ever take away the grace, the way his cheeks slide up and he exhales with a laugh
Imagine that he is happy, still
He pulls you towards him and kisses your forehead
His body is warm like an eastern sunset in the middle of the summer
And in this moment you will smile in disbelief of how lucky you are
"Do you want coffee?" you will say, running your fingers through his tussled hair
He will nod, slightly, just enough for you to see it and though you don't want to, you will slide out of bed
Leaving the warmth, leaving him there with every intention to return
Falling in love knowing you heart is going to break is the best way to do it
And sometimes sliding out of bed will become parallel to sliding out the door
And leaving the one place that really felt like a home
You may intend to return, but when you do
You will discover that he has changed the locks

I was a canvas, the side of a building, a vacant bedroom wall in a new house
Love painted over me
Each kiss, red
Each smile, yellow
Each fight, dark blue
Every look, green
Every touch, mix colors, purple
Swirling in constellations for astronomers to decipher one day
Splashing on flaming sunsets for children to gaze at all of its glory
Sketching trees for lovers to carve their initials in under its shade
I was the sky beyond the clouds, I was the ground beyond the soil
I had it all when you held the paintbrush
I have never known someone to love me like this
And now that it is over
I am having a hard time
Putting up this new wallpaper

Upon finding pictures of you ex-boyfriend kissing his new girlfriend

        1) Remind yourself why the relationship ended. Do not forget the weight in your chest that you felt when he slipped away in such a secular way, he was only doing what his friend was encouraging.
2) When you skin is itching for his touch, think of how his fingers burned holes in your skin. Look at the scars but do not stare at them, they are only proof that you have gotten stronger, do not think about the sensation of the drawn out flame. You never imagined that torching your flesh would feel so freeing.
3) You will wonder what she tastes when she kisses him. If he tastes like whsikey or chap stick or both. You will wonder what his lips feel like because you never got to experience them, do not think about this for too long, this will only lead you to bring it up in your conversation. This happens far too often than it should.
4) When you are not expecting it, though you never are, and you see the passion in his face towards her, remind yourself that he once claimed to love you. Even if he did not mean it, imagine that if you ever were to kiss him he would have kissed with the same devotion.
5) Think of how he never loved you past midnight. Lost slippers and love affairs in the aroma of alcohol or curfews. He tried and so did you but it wasn’t enough. Sometimes that's just the way it goes.
        6) When you think you are over him, have fooled yourself that this is concludes your tear stained pages, convinced that you will not answer his call. Remind yourself that you will, but do not mistake desire for love, because though he may call, you are not the only one in his recents, think of the picture of him kissing his new girlfriend and though it may break you, it will help you not to get wrapped up in the thought that he might actually miss you too.

I am in this world as a stranger
I do not speak it's language
It is all gibberish to my ears and this world simply does not understand my look of curiosity, it does not understand my silence
I have been trying to learn how to speak with its tongue
However I find myself only tying knots inside of my mouth
I want to be a part of this soil
Want to dig my roots into it, I want to taste rain
I feel as if I am a seed that no one wants to put in the ground
For fear of bitter fruit sprouting from it
They say, that when you get hit, to turn the other cheek
The people who tell you this are not implying that they were hit again, nowadays people only turn their cheeks to look the other way
My mother told me, "you must never begin your story with the weather"
I never imagined this would be hard to do until I found myself sleeping outside
My life is only a story of bad timing
Coincidence that I was here or there
Bad luck they say, that's all it is
I am trying to believe this but how can I trust something that I have never touched, never held, never experienced
They will tell you their story of how it was all turned around
And still I sit there, trying to decipher these words
I simply cannot speak this language
This language of joy and peace
It seems that it is a sunny day in everyone's garden except for mine
Sometimes, I think of destroying my greenhouse
This body I once saw as a temple now only a cult gathering place, they mock the every thing I was built for
The irony of it is more enticing than the end of the story
No one is going to miss these battle grounds
They have moved on from what was there before
It seems as if they are already making new blue prints for a new building where I once stood
I do not even deserve a memorial
I have been trying to learn this language
But each word gets stuck in my throat
I have forgotten how to articulate correctly
I swear that I'm trying
I just cannot manage to abandon my own skin
I promise that one day I might look like you
I will paint over every curve and edge of my body
Re-floor, re-decorate, I will change
If only that means you won’t look at me
Like I am an intruder

It is hard to describe the feeling of missing someone
Who is not missing you in return
They have moved on to a new home
And they have taken the keys to the old one
And you find yourself sitting outside an abandon house
Knocking on the door
With hopes that eventually
Someone will open the door
And invite you back inside

There is something about getting knocked down
by one who once claimed to love you
It does something to you
It makes you feel so much prettier
On the floor

He walks backwards into a room, takes of his jacket and sits down
The bartenders slides him money and a receipt
He slips the money back into his wallet and the bartender fetches the receipt from under his shot glass
His makes a bitter face as the alcohol creeps back up his throat
He picks it up and sips it back into the glass from his mouth
Things in rewind seem much easier
Like ants running back into their hole
Raindrops flying into the sky
Your skin will soften, teeth will sink back into your gums
Your shoes will get bigger, feet smaller
You will remember less memories
Remember less of the pain
You will forget about all the nights you lay in awe of how much you miss him, you will think of him getting drunk
Wishing he would spit it back into the bottle
Wishing he would unhang up the phone
Wishing you hadn't walked out
You imagine unpacking your bags as salt water tears that dissolved into your shirt slid back up into your eyes
In the distance you can hear the music playing backwards as you rock back in forth, unkissing his neck
You want life to be recorded on a VCR, little green and red buttons putting your mind at ease
But then again, you haven't owned a VCR in years

I want to love you better than I once did
I want to love you like a prayer that for which no words exist
I want to show you parts of me I have kept hidden, the beautiful ones
I want to brush the knots out of your hair,
work the knots out of your back
I want to hear a love song on the radio and have your face come to mind
I want to sing them to you when you are feeling alone
I want to always remind you that you are not
I want to love you like the sun rises, slowly, stretch wide
Grow taller, spend more time, give and not take
I am interested in the way you take your coffee, what makes you laugh, what makes your pupils dilate, what keeps you going on
I want to be the someone who will make you feel like the stars were a roof of a home that I built specifically for us to gaze at when eye contact was broken
I want to touch you like pen to paper
I want to breathe you in like summer air
I want to listen to your heartbeat like it is the sound of a drum
I want to love you more than anything I have ever wanted to love
But some people do not believe in second chances
If only life were a t-shirt and we could iron out the creases
I have learned that hard way that it is not
So if you ever wake up and you wonder if I still love you
I do, and I do more than I ever have before
And I want to show you
If you would only let me

"Stay for just a while," I say, "just for tonight, we can make this work if you give me a chance."
He sits there quietly looking down at his hands, he glances at the watch I gave him for his birthday
"Okay, fine," he manages
I reach across the table to grab his hands, he reluctantly lets me in
Tomorrow I know he will leave with the taste of coffee that was not sweet enough branded on his tongue
I did not put enough sugar to make him want to stay here
Tomorrow he will walk out as if he never knew me, as if I were a stranger he glanced at on the street
But for now, I curl up in his arms and kiss his neck just before he falls asleep
"We could make this work," I mumble, "I swear we could."
I want to stay in the crevice between his chest and arm forever
He drifts to sleep and slowly I am fatigued but refuse to rest
I do not want to waste any of the time I have the chance to look at you
Tomorrow he will pack his bags and say goodbye
It will be as if we never shared a thing together
The late night phone calls of you telling me how when you got home late, your parents were asleep
The lingering of our lips as our breath stood hot and still in the space between us
"I have to go now," he will say, "please try to understand."?and I will try to understand but I just can't
The light beaming in from the kitchen window has never looked so grim
I try to think of a way to convince him that the weather is too bad to walk outside
But it isn't, it's beautiful out and he has every reason to leave me
I thought that if I told him I missed him, that I wanted this one more time
That everything would turn around and that he would say he still loved me
He shuts the door behind him and I have never felt it more
That he doesn't

Every day, it never fails
I get a twisting feeling in my stomach
Like dropping a boulder from my chest
Onto my kidneys
A stirring feeling churning my organs
I feel as if I cannot breath due to dramatic change of weather
This always happens when I think of you
Think back on the feeling of the dragging of your palms, tickling my skin
Remember what it felt like to never wear a seatbelt
Because I would rather have been closer to you than safe from calamity
Sort through the recollections locked away in my mind
I have never wanted to set free a criminal so badly
I know they will only do harm but I just have to see them one more time
These memories are a distant relative now
One I was once so close to that moved away
It is a waste of money to come back here but I am willing to pay the expenses if it means another chance to convince them to stay
This feeling in my stomach is like a tornado in an ocean
I cannot shield myself from it because everything looks the same way
Every thought of you is the same
They are all simply reminders that you are gone
How do you tell someone that they taught how to look as a seed and see a flower
Now they are blooming in someone else's garden
And this feeling is my stomach
Just might be the feeling of plants being pulled
From their roots

I am afraid to love someone else
With the fear of them kissing me
And realizing my lips are the remnants
Of the last boy who loved me
Fear he will never be sure if my closed eye hunger
Was real or from practice
Fear that he will be scared
Of the no trespass sign on my body
I am afraid to love someone else
Because I still love you endlessly

You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out
Your mind wanders into oblivion and you wonder if his hands still feel your warmth when it gets cold out
If the folds between your bed sheets feels the same as a bonfire he now sits around with someone else
The sound of her inhale and exhale is his new song
I do not mind that he is happy though I wish I were still a part of it, some days it does not matter but on most it does
Trying to avoid feelings that are unavoidable
Is like believing you can live forever
Fooled myself into thinking he was my fountain of youth
But I have found myself drowning in a flood that provided no warning signs, no television broadcast
Water showings up without RSVP
I can hear your voice in the silence, feel your breath in the crevice of my neck on the way home
I can still see you, even with the lights out
I am afraid of what I will see when I turn them on

I want to describe to you everything that you are
So you will consider
Letting us redefine what it means to start over
We can relay the foundation better this time
We can stand beneath the sky and wait for the planets to shape themselves around my newly intertwined bodies
You are the first drop of rain in a hurricane
You are the misunderstood tragedy
You are striking lightning slicing open the dark with luminous allure
You are coloring everything outside the lines
You are the poem everyone feels they should reread
You are the stem from a root planted in the belief that you have done something wrong in some way
You have not done anything wrong
I want to show you everything I failed to reveal before
Open new doors, let the cool breeze some in from my bedroom window, anything to make you want to stay here
My world is waiting for you to set it on fire
So whenever you're ready
Tell me that you miss what it feels like
To light a match

One day you will wake up
The bed will feel colder than usual
You will reach out your arms in hope to find someone
You won't
Lying in bed you will remember every girl you once claimed to love
And in that comes my part of the story
You will hear our whispered phone calls
The softness of them will weigh down on you
You will hear Hozier playing on repeat
It will resonate in your mind like hymn in an empty church
Suddenly you will remember the part where I stopped calling
And you stopped noticing
When dry messages became the norm, when you didn’t miss me
You remember the world conducting it's choir
It was so sweet
Like the "I love you was" reciprocated when you meant what you said
It was something that hung on a thin line
Unraveling of thread, it was always a risk
One day I know you will wake up
And think of me
And wonder if I am still asleep

I dreamed that you didn’t hold back
We were standing in a restaurant bathroom
Dim lighting, black walls, tile floors
You were wearing a blue button down shirt
Your hair was tousled and you had bags under your eyes
You were tired of waiting on me
I let my arm around you, stood on the tips of my toes
I remember saying your name, water falling you with compliments
Overwhelming your insecurities, telling them how I love them
Despite what they have learned to believe about themselves
I do not remember all that I said, however, I do remember the ending
I whispered, "Landon," taking a breath, following it with
"You are so sweet and so bitter, you are bitter sweet. You are sweet because…" midsentence I was interrupted by your lips
I did not see this coming, I never would have had it not been a dream
It was so real it was like I could feel my comforter being ripped off of my body
I was pushed against the wall
Wrapped my hands around your neck
Ran my fingers through your hair
You set me on the bathroom counter top
And kissed my neck like you used to
Teasing in a different light, it was not the same feeling
It was rough and I was scared
Because I woke up thinking about
How you might have done something similar to this
With her

I often dream of dancing in thigh high socks
To music playing off my cellphone
In a hotel on the edge of town with you
I think of lying next to you in white bed sheets
I want to be with you when the curtains open
And the sunlight is twisting patterns across your skin
I want to make you coffee in your t-shirt and my underwear
I want to almost spill it bringing it over to you
I imagine us laughing about this
You will grab the coffee and put it aside
Pull another things to your lips
That will not stain your breath
I want to be the one to kiss you in place of your coffee
We can sit in this hotel room and watch cable TV
And I can recite all the poems I have written about you
And I know that you never wrote poems,
but I knew you loved me like one

Every song that I danced to in your living room when we were supposed to be studying
Every song that we danced to in the kitchen when baking
Every song that we sang in the truck
Every melody that we have ever heard together
The songs we sang along to, the one's our parents taught us
The ones we taught each other
Plays much slower than it usually would
Coming to me note by note, tickling my senses
Reminding me that I cannot call you and tell you to listen to it
And I find myself biting my lip through the frustration
And the truth is, you never really know how lonely you are until everything is going wrong and you have no one to turn to for help
Not even music, because all of my favorite songs
Used to be ours

I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Cease to exist in only one mind
Because love gets lonely too
It is a lot easier to share an arrow than you might think
The equally experienced pain, sharing in comfort for one another
Loving someone is giving them the map of your weaknesses
And hoping they do not abuse their right to explore
Our love was a perfect amount of splattered paint
Branded on life's bland canvas
We allowed color to flow from our veins
But I am standing in a pool of only red
I fell through the cracks in your skin and that is where I remain
I am hoping this love will come to an end soon
Because though love is such an exquisite thing
It is not as beautiful, when you are only looking at one half
Of the whole picture

There is nothing poetic about the way I am hopelessly in love with you
It may sound beautiful to be so infatuated with someone
That you can't sleep, and all you can think about is them
It may sound pretty to see them with no flaws at all
It may look like something that you want
To have someone stimulate your well being
To love someone so much that you feel as if
You cannot live without them
But it is not beautiful
Especially when you do have to live without them
Especially when you have to watch them feel this way
About someone else

To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Lived with heartache and constant confusion
You were never sure if they meant what they said
Always second guessing every movement
Every phone call, text message, kind gesture
Always wondered if it went a little deeper
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Walked through valleys alone, holding your own hand
Looking at them standing on a mountain
You wonder if they are looking at you from up there
You wonder what the weather is like
But more about the feeling of their lips on yours
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
There is a tornado in your throat
And you want to tell them at you miss them
That you need them with you
That this is no ordinary type of love
This love turns my stone heart into vats of molten rock
To everyone who has dealt with unrequited love
Raise a bottle to all the years that we will regret
Waiting on someone who we thought
We would always love
And would eventually, when they were ready
Love us back

I want to get drunk with you
Allow our intoxicated senses to take flight
Speak all the words we are afraid to say with a sober mind
For fear that we might actually believe each other
I want to fall, stumble accidentally into your lap
Let us think back on times I did it on purpose
When you pulled me into you
When things were so much easier
We are playing the same game but describing it in different words
This toy of text messages cutting into my throat
I endeavor to remember that we are only friends
I know that I should be over this by now
But I want to get drunk with you
To tell you that I am not

The dawn cracks the sky like his words tearing through your skin this is dancing in the suns intoxicating rays
It beams down, light reflecting off the water you thought of drowning yourself in
And for a moment everything is simple
The race of the world slows down, the bullet stands still in the air
Defying gravity, your heart is no longer trying to rip out of your chest
The oxygen you are breathing goes easy into your lungs
The heaviness decreases, something has lifted the weight
And you wonder why it cannot feel like this all the time
When dusk falls there is something that triggers inside of you
Your mind wanders into a forest lit only by the light in his eyes
This used to be a place so beautiful when he was yours
But as he trails away holding someone else's hand
This maze has become all the more difficult
You can never truly say that you are okay because deep down you are enveloped in an agony that words cannot capture
They say that things have to get worse before they get better
But I have never heard of their being a ladder at the bottom of the pit
This desolation seems eternal and I cannot bear to look at you without my chest having a plane crash into it
And the smoke is hindering my ability to breathe
I wonder if you are lost too
I wonder if you are looking for me
As I am looking for you

An abandoned church with an open hymn book lying on the ground
The pages are still new yet the floor beneath it was littered
With ash and broken pieces from the ceiling
Amazing Grace has never sounded so bitter
The walls reverberated the sound through the hallways and columns
There was something sweet in the harmony of a lonely voice
The choir has fallen with the rest of the stained glass windows
I think of the last person to ever have prayed in that church
Got on their knees in the ruins, asked God why his body felt like this church
Broken and annihilated, like a plane crashing into a building
Like a freight train hitting a parked car
I feel weaker than I ever have in between the pews of this empty church
He thinks, "God, what did I do to deserve such hollow bones? Why does my heart beat slow down when I see her? How many prayers must I pray to get her out of my mind?"
His eyes closes tight like the doors to his father's house
And he wonders how he will ever get off of his knees
A tear falls to his blue jeans and does not make any effort to hold this in
He was past the point of never crying, no one was watching him anyways
Being destroyed was part of being a man sometimes
The open hymnal smiles in the back of his mind
He thinks of his mother singing in the car
Thinks of how her hands clenched tight to the steering wheel
She was careful driving with him in the car
She loved her son more than herself, she cared more for her family than anything
He thinks of the girl that he still loves
Even though she has walked out on him
Her long hair that draped down her back
Hung like a man on a noose in the middle of a town
Her eyes, like a bullet in a gun, rusted and covered in dust
She used to sing all the time
You wonder if she still sings hymnals in her grandmother's church
You wonder if she sings Amazing Grace

And I knew I never meant that much to you but, God, I would have tried forever

I have tried to get out
Tried to ignore the tugging on my heart
Endeavored to live away this anguish
Attempted to take pictures of people in love
Without your face coming to mind
It's like everywhere I go
Everything is speaking your name
You wonder how someone who looks like
They carry mountains on their shoulders
Could crumble oh so easily
I look like I am okay
Play the game, smile and giggle
Let the world see only my highlight heel
Little do they know that I am the kind of girl
Who named the stars so I wouldn't feel so lonely
I am nothing of beauty or balance
I am walking turbulence trying to find her way back home