There is something so heart-wrenching
About having dinner with yourself
Sitting down, and the waiter asks,
"Are you expecting someone?"
They will say this with a smile
Because they are used to the answer being yes
You will reach down into your gut
Scrounge for a decent ****** expression
That does not make it seem like their words have cut you open
"No," you sigh, "I am not"
They nod and pick up the plate and silverware across from you
And that's when you really feel it
That’s when it hits you like a brick
crashing through wind shield
And the calamity will be new to you
You will not see it coming, how can you ever?
At the end of the meal, you will get your check
And suddenly you miss the disputes on who will pay
The sweet argument that will never get old
In the moment, the frustration would build
But it was one that you could smile at
And you know that many things happen in your life
That you think should not
But they did anyways
And here you are
Paying your bill in silence

If only I could say this out loud
How our prior affair continues to draw breath in my mind
It is barely survuving and I am aching to restore it
It clings tight to my shoulder
Claws digging into my thin cotton t-shirt
I never imagined I would have to endure this
And here I am in a perpetual state of misery
If only I could say this out loud
How this distance is tearing me to pieces
It's as if I am the bridge and she is the earthquake
Ripping me apart each crumbling rock at a time
I am breaking before I was ever finished being built
If only I could say this out loud
How my chest is always heavy
And my stomach is always tightened
As if sooner or later my body will stop working
Have my organs cave in on themselves
Have my bones snap and you will only blink
If only I could say this out loud
How I love you
I know I shouldn't now
But all I can think about is you
And I cannot bear to say it
Looking at you, I cannot bear to say it
Out loud

You do something to me that is indescribable
The way your voice resonates in my chest
The simple sound of you breathing reminds me that everything is okay
Because if you are alive then I know I am too
The way my thighs unconsciously part just slightly
whenever you are around
It is no longer just my heart that is drawn to you,
It turns out so is my body
The way your touch can take away any discomfort
There is something about you that sweeps a peace over me
Funny to think that I would be empty if you left
And here I am, hollow and vacant
Because you did

And if he says he misses me then maybe we can just start over
Relearn each other's name and how to articulate them to the letter
I will retell you stories of my childhood
and you can laugh like you used to
We can learn how to tangle our bodies together so intricately that this time they will not undo
And I'm not saying that this will work, I know that it probably wont
But logic doesn't mean that I don’t miss you and right now I don’t give a **** what logic has to say
Just tell me you miss me and I swear I'll come running
Tell me you miss me and we can fall all over again

I dreamed that I am stuck in a room with you and her, falling in love over me, letting your amour brush my skin like a knife and I wake up thinking it is just a dream
I know, however, that is isn't
People keep telling me that it will get easier knowing that this is all there is but I can't even get out of bed
My stomach does not ache for nourishment
My limbs grow weaker by the day
I cannot bring myself to the realization that you have left, gone, moved away with no plan to return
Even if a man misses his old home that does not mean
he will move back into it
My room has grown cold from the door always being open
I can hardly sleep because my bed is so empty
I have lost the memory of your body once being there next to me
The outline of your shoulders has faded to grey
I am sorry my love is almost as bad as my memory
I shut you out with a silence that you didn’t understand
Neither did I, you were not alone in the profound confusion
I missed you the second I stepped out of your truck
But I learned it didn't matter the amount of hope I had
I planted hopes all throughout my garden that only
remained lonely seeds
I know that this doesn’t make any sense
I know that we may never love again
But that does not keep me from holding on to the sleeve
of December
I wish I could tell you why my grip is so tight on it
But I can't
In fact there are a lot of things I can't tell you
A lot of things I wish I could
I only write them down
In hopes that you will read them

When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
A light switch will go off in your chest
A firecracker, time bomb, grenade, explosion, beating of drums
Drop the ball in your throat, feel it sink down into your stomach
You will appear to be quiet on the outside
Your ribs will break one by one and shards are going to crumble into each other like buildings falling to the ground
You will have to hold yourself in your own arms
You will howl and collapse like a dying star and remember that he was the Earth and you will continue to heave even after your body can no longer produce salt water tears
You will remember things more vividly now
The way he looked at you when you were singing in the car
The way he pulled you in when you tried to move away
The grip of the handle as he opened the car door
The way his lips felt on your neck
You are going to remember the temperature of standing in the road, you are going to remember the embrace, you will remember looking up at him
You will remember it all as if it is a movie playing in your brain
You will remember how he slowly glanced at the world
You wonder if eye contact would ever break
When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
Tell him that you no longer wonder either
Tell him this even though you do

I wonder if he misses me
I know it sounds insane because she exists
But I wonder if at night he is somehow reminded of us
The way we lingered over one another
The sweet torture for both of us
The way we wrapped up like tying a knot at boy scouts
I wonder if he has rid the remnants of our love
Or if they are held holy to his left side

I will swallow poison before I admit that I miss you
Though it is a woeful truth
I cannot bear to say it out loud
I think back on the time you once said you loved me but came to later find I was far too heavy to keep carrying in your pocket
I did not fit as well as I should have
I still do not understand the way you think
But I hope you think of me often
Remind yourself of our song we listened to on repeat
Ponder on the feeling of my fingers sliding into yours
Funny how easy it was for them to slide away
A light breeze could separate them
Lately I have been bending my fingers backwards until they break because I am slowly realizing I am incapable of holding on to things anyways
I swore I would still be standing by your side right about now but something happened somewhere along the way and I watched those plans disintegrate in the palm of these fragile hands
I will not admit that I miss you, though I dreadfully do
What I fear most however,
Is that you will wake up in the middle of the night missing me
And it will be far too late

Today you will wake up anxious
Roll out of bed a little more gracious than usual
Stretch your back, pull your shoulders back
Take in a deep breath, exhale and smile
Check your phone to see if she has left you a message
You think of how she will look tonight
Double check to make sure the reservations are still intact
Make sure that everything will go as planned
But then again, even if it doesn’t, you will still be with her
Today you will avoid me
It will be different from the rest of the week
You will be too busy preparing to reply
Your mind will wander towards an image of her
You know she will look better dressed up than I ever did
Today you will put on a button up shirt
Tuck it in your slacks
Wash your face, look in the mirror and grin
You cannot wait to see her
Today you will put on a tie
And will be sure it is the perfect length
You will make sure it is not too tight
Make sure she can get if off if needed
Today you will go out
Dance the night away with her hand in yours
You will be nervous the whole time
Because you don’t want to mess up
But even in the midst of your anxiety
She has an aroma of peace about her that can always calm you
She is better than I ever was to you
Today the universe is reminding me that you are a love I have long lost
She will look in the mirror, smile in practice for pictures
I cannot look in a mirror anymore  because all I see are the parts of myself that you got sick of looking at
My sober mind blushes at the thought of you dressed up
But I cringe at the thought of you kissing her
I wish you a safe night, fun, exciting
Be careful, and I will try to be careful too
For my night will be much more dangerous
Locked away in the confines of this unusually cold bed

A whisper punches you face
You never imagined something so utterly transparent would hurt so much, he says,
"I've moved on," and the words slip off his tongue like your feet beneath you as you're standing on the ledge of a building

I dreamed that you would answer when I called
We would talk for hours like we used to
You would insist we meet in person
I would agree without hesitation
I dreamed that you would open when I knocked
Wouldn't even check to see who it was
You knew that it was me, you did not care to see me through glass
The door would swing wide and we would embrace
Lips locking, I dreamed they would, they never did
I dreamed that you would give when I asked
You wouldn't even have to look
You knew exactly where you placed it
You knew you were soon going to give it away
But love was always a hard thing to find
And lips were so much farther than they seemed
I could feel your breath touch my mouth and so could you mine
A phone call often goes to voicemail when someone doesn’t want to pick up, when someone is busy, when someone doesn’t want to talk
I dreamed that this would be a lot easier
I am still dreaming, sometimes about you
But most of the time, about us

Addiction is seeking comfort in that which is destroying you
I have found I am addicted to loving you even though you are gone
I find myself craving your attention and my mind is begging me to avoid you
Because it knows better than my heart does
I fall for the simplicity in our text messages
The soft comments and compliments that are so friendly
You know how frail and thin my skin is,
How do you expect your words to not cut right through it
We joke and kid and laugh and seriousness will creep in but never for too long
I cannot describe my feelings the day after a rainstorm or how I feel when the sun sets early in the winter
And I cannot describe my feeling when I am talking to you
It is something sweet, like it is getting better
I am blossoming but this rain on some days is far too heavy
On some days it hurts me and you do not even notice
In this story you are the one who moves on and finds a girl who doesn’t write her thoughts onto paper instead of admitting she has them
I am the girl who's hand is always numb do to the constant writing about the one who has moved on to something better
I am sorry I could not love you like I wanted to
I am dealing with the consequences of letting you go
And this addiction to you is killing me
I have done real drugs and smoked and drank and I know what it is like to crave something every waking minute of the day yet with you
I have never been more afraid
Of overdose

They told me I was humble
Showing a modest or low estimate of my own importance
Having a tendency to decrease my dignity under others
They were telling the truth
My stature of one not as a boulder but a pebble
I am smaller to others, crushed underneath
They tell me it is a good thing
To place others above myself so I do not conquer them
Pushing them up even if I am falling
Unprivileged behind those who need love more than I do
It is selfish to not be humble
They tell me that I am
I wonder if that means I am weak
Or if that means I am strong

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

Your first love gets you raw, open, and naïve
Your first love sits with you until you head finds a home in the crevice between their neck and shoulder and you want to stay, more than anything, you want to stay
Your first love carries you to the car because your feet hurt
Your first love will dig up the secrets you kept buried, your first love wants to know it all
Your first love will listen you’re your favorite song in place of their
Your first love will levitate your well-being, make you float and flutter
Your first love will tell you that you won't fall
Your first love will introduce you to heartache, loneliness, what goodbye feels like
Your first love makes breaking an arm sound like a walk in the park
Your first love is the one that you convince yourself that you are over but you never really are
Your first love promises they won't forget you and you believe them until you see them kissing someone else

Envision this. You are older now, face wilted but still beautiful as it was fifty years ago. Your walking stick has become your lifetime apprentice and recollections flutter around in your head like the butterflies that once resided in your stomach. Most days you cannot remember what you like in your coffee or what you'll have for dinner. Some day's it is harder to breathe than most and on occasion you have to sit because standing becomes too much of a chore. You realize how true it is that you never do forget the people you loved when you were younger. You may not remember breakfast or yesterday's weather but you remember the fifty year old summer breeze and complaining about her hair in your face. "I wonder if she's happy," you say, and people mistake it for mindless rambling. "I hope she found what she was looking for."

The subway stairs will trip you up, make you slip, make you fall
They will hold you hostage, hold you close
Brush against their hand rails, let the feeling of other hands rub off on your palms
Sweat will gather on your back as you walk further down
It is too cold out and too hot down
Body heat radiates off of children and their mothers
You feel the gust of wind hit your body like a preachers knees hitting the floor
When the subway arrives, it is submitting to the sound of its breaks
It is telling you to stop where you are and fall into me
The doors open wide
They remind you of your mothers open arms
You step inside checking to see if you are going in the right direction
It never hurts to look twice
The subway trains will trip you up, break you down, make you weak
You will look and see quiet people, there are far too little people laughing
You wonder if it is the cold weather
You wonder if it would be better if it weren't so cold out

You can't know how this works unless you've lived it
People can throw out advice like colorful beads at Mardi Gras
But they will evidently always end up stored away
Somewhere they will not be used
Though that are beautiful and desired on some days
I do not wear them as jewelry
I have discovered that loving someone is not black or white
There is grey area everywhere you turn
You start to wonder if you wasted the colors by mixing them
There is no poetic way of putting it
When you love someone and they do not love you in return
It is only a slippery ***** of constant down fall
You often hit rocks and edges
But never hit the ground
There is an adrenaline to it
Falling through the air, bruising your shoulders
The air in times like this is a precious poison
I try not to breathe too quickly
Often hold my breath when you are in the room
I am sorry you cannot hear me when I am talking
It is only because I have found this love
More comfortable
Under my breath

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

Lately I have been searching for inspiration
Waiting patiently in the corner of my bedroom
I trail the walls, paint them different color in my mind
Wonder if I can write about change
I stand back in Times Square
Gaze at the lights, follow the people, count their footsteps
I wonder if I can write about the city
Then I find myself checking my phone
Email overflowing, social media always the same
And your name
I wonder if I can write about you
And I can, but I know it is only empty words
Because I know you won't read them

We tip toe on silent words
And I wonder if you hear me crying out to you
Underneath the casualty of our conversation
I do my best to always swallow back the words
That get stuck in my throat
I suppose there is a reason why they won’t come out
I think of you kissing her
Writing songs on her collarbones as you progress the anticipation
The way she blossoms under your rain
She was much more lenient with her lips than I was
I am sorry that this love continues to live under my breath
It is the one battle where my armor is too heavy to even lift off the ground
My arms have grown weak from pushing you away
I find myself now, trying to pull you in
But you aren’t there
And I wonder if maybe I were stronger
I wonder if you would be

The day he breaks your heart, wait until you get home to cry
Wait until the early hours of the morning when you know you should already be asleep
Trying to dream about someone who is not him
You will want to leave the world because he is the one who showed it to you
The sky will crack with dawn and it will feel like it's been years since you have spoken to him when it has only been a day
Things have changed now
You are no longer his star guiding the way
He is walking away from you with another girl who is nothing like you
He has committed a ****** and he doesn't even know it
When the pain subsides while you're out with friends and you feel like you're over him cherish the moment
Do not let the thought of him kissing her take away from the joy in front of you
It will be the hardest thing to do
To let go of a love that has already gone
I have learned it is hard to push something away from you when it is holding on to your sleeve
He and you still talk daily
It is a knife to the heart but you are doing it to anyways, letting the agony rest on the collarbones
Inner wars rage against the thought of you not talking to him anymore
You know in your mind that by now you should be stronger than this
You are stronger than everything except yourself
Let the mirror break your integrity
Your palms are sweaty, shaking with the regret of letting him slip through your fingers
And he would swear you let him go because you wanted to do it
He would swear you were over him by now
But what he never understood was your miscommunication
You're an introvert by nature and sometimes you just need to be by yourself
Go get lost in the forest and swear you will come back
You will find your way back home somehow
But you never did
You saw footsteps out there that were his
You never thought that while you were gone
He would leave too
You should have known
You stupid stupid girl

I think I may have stopped loving you for a while
Let the world take a toll on me and left you in the dust
With no second thought of what might happen to you
Or who might pick you up while I was gone
But though I may have driven away
And though this was selfish of me
I expected you to be there waiting for me when I returned
It has been about four months
These old songs do nothing but remind me of how often I have tried to forget them
Even the lemonade from life's lemons is starting to taste bland
Though at times I did not realize it, you were my sweet
I have learned that just because you can write a good love letter does not mean that they will come back to you
I am only a lonely heart trying to make its way back home
But I am not sure where home is anymore
I thought it was you but you have moved away
Left me deserted, I did not think it would come to this
And here I am, knocking on the door of an abandoned house expecting you to come out
My mother always told me not to have high expectations but I couldn’t help myself
Now, I find myself waiting on your front porch
Tracing memories and song lyrics in the dirt

Come What May
I will always leave an open room for you
In the depths of my soul's hotel
The 'No Vacancy' sign will never be lit
I will always leave a room open for you
No matter how many come to my door
Come What May
The gesture of open hands will never grow old
I will not let you slip through them again
If you ever do decide to make your home in these palms
Come What May
My mind will grow weary and footsteps be miscalculated
I will soon grow unsure if I am walking towards you or away
I know that this is madness but
Perhaps there is nothing wrong with a little self-destruction
Come What May
Your smile will always be a masterpiece,
Forever painted on these walls
No other artist but God
I wonder how steady his hands were on the day he made you
Come What May
I will never bring myself to wash off the kisses you left on my collarbones
I will not tell you how I feel because you will only remind me of her
I cannot bear to hear another audible proclamation of her name
Come What May
If you must know, I do still love you
But I wish you the best and that you be happy
Despite the amount of pain it inflicts on me
Come What May
I know that if you are doing well
I will do my best to do the same

My bones are hollow like a baby birds
I cannot hold much weight on my shoulders
Due to the burdens that have already made their homes there
When I see you my bones shudder
Sidewalks shivering inferior to an earthquake
Trees shaking in the midst of your hurricane
Your presence alone in the same room as me
Turns my once still body to a constant tremble
I do not want you to leave
But I do not want to perish either

When you want to tell him you miss him
Hold your tongue like you are hanging onto a ledge
You are saving yourself by not letting go
When you want to tell him you miss him
Listen for your inner guidance
You know what it will say, your heart cannot bear
One more rejection
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of why this all came to an end
He used to be the one filled with apologies
Look how the tables have turned
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of her name, think of the girl who stimulates his heartbeat
Think of how she is nothing like you
Think of how her smile is plastered on every vacant space in his brain
Think of how he is missing her in place of you
When you want to tell him you miss him
Don't, let the words slide down back into your gut where they belong
Do not give him the leverage
Let him think that you are missing someone else too
Someone else who is not him

In life I have come across a pattern
When your mind is feeling free
And the rusted chains that once bonded your heart have fallen
When the last candle is lit and your eyes are adjusting to the light
They will appear, slow and unexpected
Their name will creep up it will seem like an innocent accident
They will not even think of your disposition when they call
I know that I should be over him but mind has found itself falling underneath matter, I am feeling backwards
I am convincing myself that I am still okay, I am not
Let the words of me being happy for him burn up my throat as they fall out of my mouth, I try not to stutter
The gasoline pools underneath my tongue and I manage a smile
I know that this is for the better
A friend of mine told me, "He had to move on sometime"
He did, and I am glad he did
Because I know what it feels like to wait on someone
And I would hate for him to endure such an agonizing thing

Loving you is like explaining where we store and access our memories
Like trying to describe what water tastes like or the color of a mirror
It doesn’t make any sense at all, it is difficult to decipher
Collectively bleeding from imaginary cuts that you do not even know that you gave me, you thought you did nothing wrong
Brushed away the uncomfortable silence on the car ride home
Listened to the humming of your engine as if it could drown out the sound of my heartbeat that quickened at every red light
I am not strong
I am all bark and only bite on accident
I cannot fight back because I am afraid you will abandon me as if you haven't already, I am trying to convince myself that you are still here
Is bravery supposed to feel like you guts trying to slide out of your fingertips
I am so scared to talk to you because I worry you will mistake my name with hers, I am worried you will do it on purpose
It is hard to speak confessions in other accents
So why am I trying to tell you I love you in her voice
I will stop bringing your name up in cups of coffee
Pour in the sugar, let it taste too sweet I will cringe at the bitter aftertaste
I know that this is not going to make me feel any better
I am pacing my steps trying to get away
Will not stop running until I stumble
My legs are crumbling beneath me it reminds me of your walk
How your knees grow weak at the sight of her
I am sorry I am not her kind of beautiful
Forgive me for loving you despite your love for her
And I will try to forgive myself for the same

Some advice I should have given myself before I loved you
1.) He will sound like he means it and it is everything that you want to hear, do not mistake misguided desperation for affection as truth.
2.) Love is stronger than pride and if he does not treat you like the brightest star he has ever seen he is not the right one.
3.) This world is like sugar, it may crumble easily beneath you but do not be afraid to taste it, do not confuse it with salt.
4.) In life, if you love someone, you will do anything you can to keep it but you cannot take someone's heart and enslave it. Love is a ***** game but it is not love when it is forceful.
5.) Your eyes have seen more than his take time do notice, be careful with those who do not recognize detail in little conversations.
6.) Before you give yourself away to someone, make sure that they will take care of you. You are fragile and need all the passion that the waves have for the ocean shore. Someone who will be able to describe the color of your eyes to a room full of blind people. You deserve so much more than you think you do.
7.) Do not confuse a spark for love. Love is supposed to feel like igniting a firework that never ends. Do not mistake love for infatuation.

You are the sound of church bells on Sunday morning
You are spilled sunlight and soft mouth
You are boy with a waterfall smile
You are masterpiece I hope to paint on day
You are the extra mile, the giver, the compassion
You are drugs cleverly disguised as a boy
You will be my first home, the song I listen for at sunrise, the first place that I will be content to dwell in

I am waiting for a love worth holding on to
Each tick of the clock reverberates throughout my body
I often try to convince myself that I can find love on my own if I look hard enough
But real love is the kind that you do not have to search for
I have learned that scrounging up what looks good enough
Will only teach you that you should not build a house out of scraps
Sometimes I try to color myself different shades to fit into someone else's art work, sometimes I forget about my own color
Because we all want to be what everyone wants
But we end up wanting everyone and not knowing our own name
So I have decided I am waiting
Patience falters every now and then
But I know someone will see constellations in my birthmarks soon enough so until then I promise to do my best in not painting over them
I will find myself in my abstinence, regain all of my strength that I gave away in beds that are not mine
I know that eventually  someone will notice that light on my skin even if it does not shine that bright to some
A light is still a light no matter how brilliant it may look
This will not be an easy journey for me
I tend to hold my heart out in my hand and anyone who reaches to grab it, takes it, I hardly ever put up a fight
I love too easily for someone who wants to wait but I do
I have sat by too many telephone, received no phone calls, resulting in too many damp pillows and tears stains on the sheets of paper that I write about those whom I love on
I am waiting for someone who will fill me with joy more than they put me in agony
I am waiting for someone who will kiss me and not taste past lovers on their tongue, someone who will not be able to kiss me without smiling
Someone who will love me when I am a still day
Someone who will love me when I am a hurricane
I know that uncertainties are abound in life
And I know that this waiting may never truly end
Though while I am here, loving myself in this isolation I will think of how I will love you, the man whom I know is out there somewhere
Perhaps he too, is waiting for me

I thought I was over you
Thought I let your name go out the window
Watched it disappear in the rearview mirror clouded with dust
But I've learned that when love leaves it does not always she the shotgun door on its way out
I have been trying to tell myself that the door was closed
By refusing to look at it
I haven't quite figured out how to love you  out of paper yet
Only because words spoken out loud can easily be mistaken as lies
My voice is like a volcanic box of chatter
I'm equivalent to spontaneous combustion
Spilling words onto this paper like smooth run cold conversations and blocks of ice in slow motion
I wonder if I miss you only because I cannot have you anymore
You have filled something in me that is still full even though you are gone
I know that this is ludicrous to feel all this after one day of seeing you
But there is something that triggers in my ribcage
With face to face contact
I am sorry for letting my love for you spill onto the floor
It never belonged there
I thought I was over you, I really did
But frankly, I am not

The most horrifying thing
I have ever discovered
is that the way he feels about her
is the same way I feel about him

I had a dream
that your love for me was deemed authentic
it was suddenly real and possible
I watched your affection for her fade like a summer sunset
when the day was feeling too long
We yearned for stars but were only fed clouds
I had a dream
that my feet did not trip over themselves at the sound of her name
because it was followed by the sound of mine
leaping up above it
I had a dream
that your hands opened up, fingers intertwining with mine
letting not even the evening breeze separate this immaculate fantasy
I had a dream
that you held me like the hemming in a backyard hammock
the crackling of a forest fires romance
the peak of midnight hit my body
like a hammer hitting a nail
with no intention to hit it again
I know that this was only a dream
because reality was standing in my doorway this morning
looking me in the face
I had a dream that you loved me
But I woke up knowing that you stilled loved her

When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel a hole forming in my chest
My heart was digging to the bottom of my ribcage
So they it wouldn't spill all of its secrets
I imagine the word "yes" flowing from my body
Like water pouring from my lips
When they asked me if I loved you
My jaw crumbled like wet sand
My tongue and breath did not remember
How to work together in order to form words
I did not know how to lie to them
It's like I can feel my teeth begin to decay
When you acidic name slips through them
When they asked me if I loved you
I hope they would try to tuck the question back into their pocket
Maybe if I stayed quiet long enough they would
The uncomfortable silence was beginning to be noticeable
I never meant for this to sound so much like shot gun
When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel the pressure against the walls
The flood was far to overbearing
I will love you until I don't anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I told them that I didn't
Simply because I find it useless to soak
A bath of room temperature love
When you mix hot with cold
The climate is never pleasing
I have learned
That when someone asks me if I love you
To always say no
Just to resist the risk of the words traveling to your ears
I cannot bear for you to know that I still love you
Even though you have left
You have filled something in me that is still full
Even though you are not here anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I responded calmly
Acted as if it was a punchline I saw coming
Acted as if it wasn’t breaking my spirit in two
Acted as if I was fine with answering
"No."

I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
As if seeing my face brought enough guilt to turn your head
Your neck was never stronger than your mind
I know that I am not as beautiful as she is but you can at least treat me like I am still a person
I am still a person
Despite my hallow chest that has been swallowed by the authority I have given to men who seemed trustworthy enough
My heart is a stone, it is hard and dry, desperate for recovery
I cannot handle such pain on a daily basis
I hope that you do not look at me anymore
Because it is only adding hope to my absolute oblivion
I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
Do not look at me at all
If you are only doing to drift your head to another disposition once I recognize it
And decide to look back

The backyard fence stares me in the face
Pushing each splinter into my hands
I read its cracks like my grandmother's favorite novels
I want to see each footnote that was left there for someone else
The worlds "a wall never stopped anyone"
Are carved into the third post
I look down at my hands
They are shaking with blood and I cannot wipe them off
For the fear that these splinters will seep deeper into my skin
My life holds an uncertainty to it
Grips every piece of lust in its hands
Pulls it in, through my rip cage
Does not care if it cracks on its way inside
Anyone would drive through a locked gate
If something that they needed was behind it
I try to lie to myself often
Convince myself that this is only a little set back
That everything will be okay eventually
But I have found that repeating these words after every falter
Is getting very old
It only seems to get worse
I was told once that God does not show you the whole staircase
Only the first step
And I am trying to live by this
Trying to take one step at a time
But I have been climbing for years and I feel it decaying beneath me
I am only waiting for the tipping of the cup
A feather can break a bridge if it has endure enough
The backyard fence stares me in the face
I realize that I have not done anything in my life
Worth telling stories about
But I want to oh so badly
I want to leave this world with a backpack
One that carries every memento, every scrapbook, picture frame
I want to show my grandchildren the novels I have written
For them to read, see the footnotes
As if they had written them
Themselves

Guard your heart
Be careful who you love
We walk into infatuation like it is something playful and lovely
And at first it really is
But be careful on the second step
You will trust their hands
Fingers playing with one another as if the sweat between them will for some sort of prayer
For every finger that we let loosen, another knuckle grows back crooked
Do not hold his hand for too long
When water starts to gather in your palms, let go
Wipe them on your jeans, put your hands in your pockets
Be careful on the third step
They will show you how to swim and then throw you in the deep end
You will have no warning, nothing to catch you but the pool floor
They will smile at you from the top
Do not hold your breath
Let the air clear from your lungs
Vacancy was always something you were accustomed to
Sink to the bottom, memorize the feeling, the texture of the ground
When your lungs start to fill with water, swim to the top
Your hear will race but fall at the same time when you see him with someone else, do not let it take you
Do not let it take you
Guard your heart for the next time

Do not confuse hands for a safety net
You will trust that the fun is worth the fall
Will trust that the holes are small enough to still catch you
Will trust that you won't slip right through them
Will trust that it is a sturdy landing to sink into
Will trust that they love you just as much as you love them
But despite everything that will decieve you
Despite the amount of confidence you have in someone who looks so sweet do not mistake the first bite for the bitter aftertaste that follows
Do not confuse hands for a safety net
Because they are not
They are only hands

I have noticed that you only pay attention to me on the days that she pays none to you
On the days when you are craving affection from anyone who will deliver it to you in the worst way
When she cannot follow through with the promises she tells you on the nights that she feels like it
I hate myself for still loving you on the same days that she does
The days where you are glued to her side simply because she will let you
You told me, "You are everything I want in a girl, but I still love someone else"
I am learning that even though I may love on the same day she chooses to, I will not succumb to your beckoning call anymore
I know that I am only mimicking you answering to her
I am working on getting strong enough to press decline
So the next time you call me, I will pick up the phone
Hold it in my hand, feel the humming vibration reverberate throughout my body, down my spine
I will let it go to voicemail
Because there is no use in letting someone drink the rest of your water
When they are on the brink of dying from dehydration anyways

I saw you today
The back of you
Standing straight talking to a girl who was not me
I didn't wait for you to turn around
Only kept walking out of pure reluctance
I wanted you to see me
Notice my heart on my sleeve
See the hurricane in me
I didn't want you to see me
Notice the heart on my sleeve
I didn’t want you to see how this hurricane in me
Has gotten so bad
It is getting so hard for me to play along
The white flag in my hands is itching to be held higher
I am resisting out of pure reluctance
I want to give you up
But I just can't

I will still write poems about you
Even if I do not speak to you out of fear I will love you again
Even if I look away when I see you out of the corner of my eye
Looking in my direction with the hope I will turn to you
I won't
Even if the rate of my heart outruns my mind and I want to call you
I won't do that either
Because I am coming to realize that waiting on someone to love me
Is like having a noose around my neck and a stool beneath me
But I am choosing to life my feet from it, hanging myself
Putting myself through torture with hopes you will lower the rope
But you never will
So I am standing up, I am saving myself from falling into you
I will not wait around for someone who is waiting for someone else
I will not be the second choice
Even if you never come back to me
I will still write poems about you

When you realize that the person you love
Loves someone else
It will hit you like a plane crashing into a building
You will be unsure if you should jump
Or stay inside, holding on to something that will keep you sane
Have to decide if it is worth the torment
Her name will be in every headline: car crash, robbery, news paper
You will avoid going out so you can pretend she isn't real
Her name is a new born that the family passes around
You will discover that she loves everything that you love
That everyone loves her
It will not be easy, anything having to do with love never is
Love is a word that gets stuck in my throat
You are not sure how to let go
He is the only one who forces your colors to the edges of you
He is what it feels like to fall and land on something soft
My love for him pools like gasoline in the back of my throat, all it takes is a match and I'm set to flames again
When you realize the person you love
Loves someone else
Do not panic
Act as if it is only a change of season
Leaves that were once vibrant in color will turn brown eventually
Act as if it you saw it coming
Act as if you were used to not being loved in return

I cannot hear someone talk about love without thinking of a plane crash
The sudden moments of ecstasy and then the drawn out turbulence
In trying to decide which loved one is the one worth calling
Which memory will lace itself through your mind like a drug
Love does not care about your disposition, it does not care about the timing
Love comes when love feels it should, even when it is wrong
I have noticed that I love far too fast
Stare the beast in the face and
I break like a fever, like a bad habit, like a windshield
Under the sound of his roar
He does not care how loud I scream, it only screams back louder
Love does not care about my disinclined heart beat that races too fast for too many people
So when your friend introduces you to a boy, resist making a memory of his cologne
You do not need another memento of a love that may never be
Do not fool yourself into thinking that this is okay
You are not supposed to be at war
So why do you insist on putting yourself on the front line?

I think maybe I can give myself time
Teach myself to love you and only you
Learn the ways of isolation, confine myself to you
Maybe one day I will be able to do it without trying first
I often confuse love with loneliness
Give myself away just because I am tired of holding myself up
If only I could dig myself out of holes as easily as I dig myself into them
Digging my own grave just because it is something to do
I am trying to love you but love takes a little more work than I'd planned
I am not sure if time will be enough
Because time can't save anybody, it only adds wrinkles to your face and fatigues your body, you are only getting older
Maybe the hands on the clock are better off broken
Because imagination suddenly becomes matter and I am here standing in front of you trying to love you, and I do, so much, but not quite enough as I need to
And for that I am sorry

You do not tell someone that you love them
when you are not sure if you do
You do not tell someone that you love them when it is dark outside and all you really want is affection to share in
You do not tell someone you love them just because you know that it's what they want to hear
You do not tell someone you love them when you love someone else too

Anyone who has ever been in love has gotten a taste of what it feels like to be completely mad
The things you will do, how far you will travel has no limits
Love does not care about your boundaries
It will push them until you begin to doubt why they were ever there in the first place
The hurricane that they put in you will get so bad
Blowing away any inch of sanity you once thought you had
Love never played a fair game
Cupid does not feel bad for the unrequited lovers
He is the menace that puts them there
Loving you is like breathing with broken ribs and punctured lungs but enduring because it is the only way you will make it out alive
I know that this will eventually **** me
But I wouldn't mind dying with your hands around my neck
Because at least I will leave the world looking at the one I love
Even if they do not love me

I found him, waiting on a girl who loved someone else
He was fighting desolation in total isolation
He was broken
I found him following behind her
Memorizing the way she walks, each step imprinted onto his brain
Like tattooing her body language up and down his arms, running his hands across them because it reminded him of touching her
He said she was his Achilles heel
I found him in the soft dusk light
Telling me that he loved me but that he loved her more
Declaring that there was something there, he just knew it
but that it was not enough to stand on
This was never a story about rescue, this is the story of the fall
I know that you cannot help the way you feel but neither can I
That is what makes this all the more difficult for the both of us

I found you and I tried to help you up
But you insisted that staying down there with her in torture
Was much easier than walking away with a limp

I have a problem with love
I tend to fall for people far to quickly
And not just one person
Multiple people draw me to them convincing me
That one more love story won't be so bad
My problem with love is that I love the chase
When I catch them I am often not sure what to do
Will often confuse love with other kinds of addiction
I've learned that I love the adrenaline more than the person
So I am sorry if my feet tend to wander
When you tell me that you love me
I simply do not believe the body was meant to stand still
And I know one day I will lose my urge to run
But for now, I will lace up my shoes
In hopes that you realize, the only way to make me stay is to untie them
So as I am walking away
I fall

I want you and you want her and there is really nothing else to it