As I step into the shower,
The smell of last night's events finally hits me
A mixture of drinking, smoking, and general bad decisions clings to my body
I scrub every inch of me to try and rid myself of everything that happened the day before
Liquor clings to my skin, a sticky reminder of the good time I had when the night began
Smoke clings to my hair, making it greasy and thick
Your touch clings to my body, every fingerprint its own little insult
Your taste clings to my lips, more bitter than the stench of the night doubled over a thousand times
Because I didn’t realize then what we were doing,
What consequences would  come  with our actions
But now, in the light of day, with steam and hot water resonating around me
I know that you were a mistake
A drunken escapade that will fade because we have no other choice
We can't change what we did, but we can't act upon it
It'd be too messy
Too complicated
And I know you don’t want to deal with it
You never knew how I felt about you until last night and even still I doubt you'll remember
But you know what happened between us
And so I expect you'll want it erased
More than I do

I spent the beginning of 2015,
12 midnight,
in the bathroom with my closest friends
and I wouldn't have changed a thing

I want to fill you up when you are empty
I want to be the shore that crashes over you
I do not think you know how much I love talking to you
Saying your name, my precise tone and articulation
Spoken as if my lips are dancing to no music
Your beauty punctured my soul
I yearn to be closer to you but the same time afraid
But then my heart taps on the shoulder of my mind
Saying 'what is there to fear when love goes down so smooth'
Is it wrong to want to be centered when we are so unbalanced
I am walking into this knowing that the tide will overtake me but continuing anyways
You are the sweet whisper that is selling the promise of love but never actually delivering
But I do not care about your faulty misconception to what a token of truth is really worth
Play with my emotions like a child who has just received a new toy at Christmas
I know soon you will get sick of me and crave something else but I am willing to be thrown away if it is your arms that I am leaving from
I know it sounds crazy but I have discovered that you cannot call something crazy unless you have something normal to compare it to

There's something different about how I feel
It's not really infatuation so to say, it’s a lot of pain
It's not the same as it once was
Before this, I never really had a hope
I didn't have a memory to hold on to because it wasn’t as vivid
Nowhere as near as vivid as this
I guess I missed understanding the meaning of love
I've learned that love is not someone who makes you happiest
But the one that makes you feel the most
The one who can conduct your heart to drum the loudest
I becomes so easy to think on it to the point where his love is boiling and possible and suddenly  becomes so close
It isn't
You are simply playing tricks on yourself again
You silly little girl
He is never as close as you think he his
Never closer to you, only her
So as you down your 4th shot of cheap liquor
Leave the image of him smiling in the toilet
When you wake up you will feel empty and aching
Do not regret anything, remember, being drunk is the only way
To numb his touch from the valleys he made in your back
To numb every hole he burned into your skin
To numb every cut that his gliding fingers made as they traced your body
You are nothing special
And you never were

Lately I've been feeling a vague sense of unease and an unshakable feeling that love was never meant for someone like me
Love is some obsession I have
I crave to be admired and wanted but once I get someone who does this they never seem to be right
Love is a sea we swim in but always climb out when the water splashes in our face and our fingers prune
Love is careful with whom Love lets others hold them
Like a newborn child, someone who is not ready to be so gentle simply cannot handle the responsibility
As I sit in this cage with my feet dangling in the pool
I miss how the water felt
But now I can only barely skim it with my toes
Do not forget how the body needs to feel something
Do not take that feeling for granted
Like I did

Raindrops think they are flying until they hit the ground
Soaring like an eagle, oddly in love with the feeling of going down
But hitting bottom is like no other disappointment
When morning comes you will realize
You were not flying at all, you were descending
Sliding down a rope of oxygen and demolishing at the impact
The concrete will never feel so cold
And you will wonder why you let him slip into your sheets
Keeping you warm, soaking yourself into him like wet cement
Only until he climbs out
And you will have to act as if it were only a change in weather
A punchline that you saw coming
Do not look eager to hold him again, if he felt the same
He wouldn't have gotten up in the first place
I am only a raindrop
I used to think I could fly until morning hit
Sobriety found its way in and the hangover was nothing like this emptiness
I have hit the ground and now I am only hoping to evaporate again
And fall into every piece of air that you blew into me

Who knows if it’s easier to breathe through your mouth or through your nose
Through the nose I smell your sweet scent
I can memorize the sweet, trace my fingers through the depths of your collar bones
Follow your heartbeat with the tapping of my fingers on your chest
Through the mouth I can breathe you in
Your kiss is more intoxicating than any liquor I've ever remembered tasting
I find myself craving you in moments where I know you won't be there
Who knows if it's easier to breathe through your mouth or through your nose
With you, it does not matter
Not that it ever really did