weekly episodes of panic attacks.
minimal motivation.
what have I become.

what have we become.

I love you.

and all three of those words
create an uneven frame,
hanging you up closest to my heart.

each night
before I leave,
I reread the sweetest combination of words
anyone has written to me,
and I pretend that you love me too.

I've been blinded
by your sweet eyes,
and forgiving embraces.
Knowing,
I'll never let myself  
look away.

Rivers of tears stream down my face
as I wait for a response
of any kind.
because your company kills me,
but I much rather prefer it
than being alone
on these cold
winter nights.

i remember crying
when my mum's coat
smelled of cigarette smoke
because i didn't want her to die

i remember not getting out of bed
the morning after that one boy
kissed someone else
because i wanted to be her

i remember cutting my skin
when i realised
they all left me
because i needed them

i remember feeling disgusted
when i was the one to smoke
and kiss someone else and leave
all because i was so broken

and you should know i'm sorry
and i hope you don't cry
i hope you get out of bed
i hope your skin is whole

Sometimes I wish
He'd propose
With a boxed
Diamond
Ring

we burned bridges
then made amends
swore never to think
negative thoughts again
about ourselves or our love

we made a promise
to stay through
thick and thin
until the world
came crashing down
until the stars exploded
in the midnight sky
until the day
it breaks
you & I

people told me it was wrong
to love a man so strong
told me to leave
while I could
but the love
I have for you
is too intense
unlike a small fire
it can't burn out
being without you
would be like
being stuck
in the dark

your heart is my treasure
your touch is my desire
without you here with me
I'd sink like an anchor

my heart could explode
from love gone overboard
the intensity of it all
is so difficult to ignore
I fall harder than I did
the day I saw you
standing by that door
constantly falling
harder than I ever did
before and after

every time we kiss
I feel my heart ignite
I can feel the butterflies
I can feel those sparks
fly into the air
when you're near

when I hear your name
I scribble it on notebooks
when I see your face
I almost lose my senses
everything falls into place
when you're next to me
I love seeing you every night
when you're wide awake
when you're sound asleep
I feel like I live in a dream
seems too good to be real
but it is, truly is
the man of my dreams
is here in person
not just in my mind
or in my thoughts

There are times in a young woman's life
Where she has to protect herself
Protect her heart and words
Because nothing ever lasts
Unless you know boundaries
When it comes to love
When it comes to trust
When it comes to honesty
When it comes to security

Girls grow up thinking
''Growing up sounds fun''
But then, as time goes on
We begin to miss being *young
Being free spirits in terms of youth
In terms of thinking and feeling
And the importance of confidence
As well as being free to have fun
As if life had just begun

Young girls are more confident
Well, in the childhood days
But as they grow and understand
The importance of beauty overshadows them
And as they go through puberty
They realize how much beauty
Is a major factor in happiness
When they become obsessed
With self-appearances
And body types
Make-up
Alcohol
Drugs
*****

you never drove me to the edge
but you did push me
to the point
of collapse

you always knew what to say
but never knew what to do
you always knew how
to make my entire day
but never knew how
to make do
with me and you

my poetry isn't as great
or as articulate
as the others
on this site
but i write
from the heart
and if you relate
i'm thrilled with that
grateful, in fact
that i can touch
a stranger's heart
just from posting
what i feel inside

I used to believe that happiness was in
gaining a love, gaining security
gaining hope from within

but the longer I live
the more I lose touch
with what I used to believe
and what I once thought
was the right things in life
the best of them all
but everyone suffers
temporary or permanent
life changing downfalls

and we all grieve
at some point in life
either the loss of ourselves
or the loss of loved ones
we all feel and will feel
endless bouts of pain
sharp pains that can feel
like strangulation
or self-inflicted
times of illusion

misguided thoughts
and moments of weakness
psychotic rages
and times of
confusion

I have felt so much in a short space of time
it is hard to believe that I am somewhat 'fine'
the amount of trauma sustained
from the painful migraines
the way it felt like someone
squeezing and pressuring my head
the way it felt like my brain
was going to explode
at some known time and place
the way it felt like system malfunction
was taking it's course of faith
how it took so much away from my life

people say strong people never feel pain
and that they have no reason
to feel anything but joy
well those people are wrong
because I was once strong

and look what the **** happened
depression took over my soul
and stripped me of my voice
it broke me to the point
of almost shooting myself
in the head with a gun
that's what my dreams
always consisted of
suicide and a loss of pride
a loss of consciousness
felt like someone was
controlling my heart
poking holes
and making me bleed
until I was seeing stars
even if I was behind doors
my mind made me delusional
made me drift away from reality
I'm still not myself at all
not functioning properly

I don't sleep anymore
not even drugs are a cure
not even *** stimulates
my naked body is a disgrace
when I look in the mirror
I can imagine it shatter

my whole sense of view
about everything of me
is honestly the worst
there is no in-between
sometimes I wonder
if life will ever get
as good as it once was

that chapter of my life
is still yet un-explored
but I picture it
in my head
all the time