She is master of the game,
aggressive, fearless, confident
It was simple black and white
She always triumphed, never slowed down
She is master of the game.

"This streak can't last forever,"
" If something can go wrong, it will go wrong," they would say
But she was smart, skilled, and driven,
A dangerous combination
Failure never even crossed her mind, let alone her consideration

Challenges excited her, she lived for the thrill, the adrenaline rush
This was the one thing she was good at
The rest of her life may go to hell
She may be able to give up everything else
But this was her passion, her vocation, her calling

She thought she was invincible

... She wasn't.

She was humbled by a little soul, born too young, too soon
She wanted to be his champion
To fight for his life
She did everything by the book and more
Countless procedures, sleepless nights, fitful dreams tormented her
All so she could give him one more day, one more breath

He fought valiantly as well
He exceeded all expectations
He proved the tests wrong
He made her hope that another success was coming
That the dawn was fast approaching

No one saw it coming
He succumbed after 6 weeks
Six grueling weeks of punishment
Maybe he was just tired of fighting
Maybe it was something she overlooked
Maybe there was something more she could have done

Maybe, maybe, maybe...
The venom of that single word coursed through her veins
"You did everything you could," they said
Then why, why must he pay with his life?
Why was it that, if she did everything right, this was the result?

Why was she the one alive?
When every breath she took reminded her of the one he lost
When losing at the game meant a life lost, a future destroyed?
When defeat meant grief, suffering, and pain?

Maybe she wasn't master of the game after all...

I had wanted to write
About happy times
Something cheery and bright
Perhaps even inspirational

Sadly I seem to be blocked
My train of thought stopped
Feels like hitting my head
Against a concrete wall

Happiness, happiness...
The thing that comes to my mind
Is you, and only you
And since I don't have you anymore,
How can I possibly write of happiness now?

You never hear me talk back, in my mind...

"You are stupid."
-You don't know me. What you see is your perception of me. You will never comprehend the height of my dreams, nor the depths of my thoughts and feelings. What is stupid is what I tolerate, what I sacrifice, for you.

"You are a disgrace."
-You dishonor me each time you hit me. The shame that I bear is the result of the abuse you inflict on my body, mind, and soul. It festers in me, like a wound that would not heal.  Each time you hurt me, my heart constricts until there is no feeling left in me anymore. I am numb, so you couldn't hurt me any more than you already have.

"You need me to protect you."
-The protection I need is from you.  What I need is to stop giving you an imitation of myself, to start living my life, the way I want to, the way I'm supposed to.  

"No one will ever want or love you."
-All I need is to be able to heal and love myself again.

"Why do you make it so hard for me to love you?"
-I want you to hate me enough to let me out of this hell. A life in a gilded cage is no life to live. Let me follow my dream, make my own mistakes, or relish my own success. Don't live your life through me.

(Slap)
-(Breathe in, breathe out, don't let your tears fall... be numb... be numb....)

I've been slapped, hit, and kicked by life
Several times over
Until I kneeled in surrender
Exhausted, defeated, empty

I don't even recognize myself anymore
Bruised and battered, Sore and bleeding
In pain, in so much pain...
the depths of which I cannot comprehend anymore

You tell me I must stand on my own
That I should fight back
That I can walk away
If only I wanted to

I do, I really do want to be free of this hell I'm in
It's just that...It's been like this for as long as I could remember
I am frightened that I may not know how
I am terrified to fail, and suffer the repercussions

I look in the mirror and see
Haunted, sad eyes, filled with the past
Never hoping for a better tomorrow
A prisoner in my own skin

I have nothing to offer you, no promises to be made
This is me...imperfect, damaged, maybe beyond redemption
But please don't give up on me, please be patient with me
You're my little piece of perfect in my messy life

I pray for strength, I pray for courage
I pray to God to make all the pain go away
But I think, that I may be able to endure
As long as I have you with me.

It's Fathers's Day and it makes me think about parents in general. About how they are wired into loving this mass of cells, a parasite, if you think about it strictly by definition, from the moment of conception. Labor and delivery are punishing to go through for the couple; moments of excruciating pain, with the loss of blood, sweat, and tears. And still, just a single cry from the source of all that pain, somehow brings happiness and a feeling of peace in them.

They are only human. They make mistakes. Not everything they do is right, but they mean well. There will be always be rules meant to be broken, battles meant to be lost, unjust punishments, and hurtful words.

I just want you to know that you are appreciated, despite of....because of...

I'm bored and weary, at times on the brink of insanity
Being this way for the longest time
Feeling desolate, despondent, and lost
Feeling wretched and ****** at a cost

I am locked in this small space
Enough for just me
Not daring to scream out loud
As I whipped myself scarred

I long to break free from this cycle
This chokehold I'm in
I have no one else to depend on
I have to be brave enough for me

I long to feel the sugary sand under my feet
Fill my lungs with clean, fresh air
Sense the warm sun caressing my pale skin
To flourish, to thrive, to feel so alive

How long I have been frozen, I couldn't tell
I know I should stand on my feet
Take a step, perhaps two
Keep going, even if I stumble and fall

The door is open, inviting and alluring
Can I do it? Can I make it?

I wish I could write
Of beauty and perfection
Of the sheer power of your eyes
That takes my breath away

I wish I could write
Of happiness and peace
Of the comfortable bliss
Of coming home in your arms

I wish I could write
Of love and affection
Of what you make me feel
Of what you mean to me

My words are sorely lacking
Never enough to tell you
That being with you is exquisite and exhilarating
That you light up my life in every way
And I love you with my entire being