Don't say nice things after I die.
Don't write a pretty eulogy of what I meant to you.
Don't go on and on with words I won't hear.
Don't wait til I'm gone.
Say them now.
And I'll try to heed my own advice
And do likewise.

Thinking about that guy
How he got all rusted up
How he longed to have a heart
How he got stuck in mid-motion.

I long to write again
But like the tin man
My heart (for writing) seems lacking
Haven't I said it all?

I mean it gets old
It's no longer refreshing
Writing is a gift that seems to have peaked
Something that once flowed very well

I'm frozen up
I need some oiling
To get the process churning
Frustrating, when I want to move

But I feel stuck

Love is more than...

A feeling
An emotion
A romantic notion

Love is often...

Quite a challenge
Painful - like a sore to heal  
Not always the real deal

Love sometimes...

Is lacking
Has no appeal
Is falsely based on how you feel

Love certainly...

Requires risk
Will not always be returned
Is a gift - cannot be earned

For without love...

We would not be human
But merely beasts
Therefore, love must increase

Nobody is...

Hopeless in a desire for its reach
For shattered lives can be made whole
Love can penetrate a broken soul!   

Love is...

Not a tired, worn-out cliche
But not as carefree as it is told
A treasure I'd never trade for money or gold

Love ...

Banishes hatred
A state of being and mind
Truly, of values, sublime

Columbine

Virginia Tech

Aurora, Colorado

Newtown, Connecticut

Is this what our nation has come to?

When shall it end?


What the Hell is Happening to Us?

We reach out for dolls
with withered hands.
Stooped over, we play
in the sandbox.
Ancient children,
so old, with innocent eyes,
we never grew up
in an aged world.
Time steals our hopes,
to have everything be alright.
The ticking of the clock goes on.
Yet we cling to youth,
not quite knowing how to mature
to where we need to be.

We are the adult children of dysfunction,
and we feel equal weights of young and old
balancing on our scales of self.
The hardships we endured
heap wrinkles upon our souls.
But we go on.

Ancient children,
we've been around forever,
relics in the nusery,
babes wrapped inside
the armor of adults,
feeling all so wise,
street smart to a cruel world,
but only pretending,
so naive,
Ancient children,
we become in reality
what we long to still believe.

Lord,
I want to be dazzled by you
Overwhelmed by you
In awestruck wonder

I thank you that you never give up on me
I thank you that you give me great vision
beyond my limited eyesight
That you put desires in my heart

To have compassion
and sympathy
and understanding
and sorrow for others
less fortunate

In my head
with an on-and-off light bulb
are a plethora of stories
ready to have me
breathe life into them

In my gut
is fear so darkly deep
that it talks my head
out of taking many risks
but to remain in the silent abyss

In my soul
untouched by human hands
lies my God-designed core
with a light so divinely ignited
that it shines on no matter what

I poured a drop of water
on my daisy
and watched for it
to bloom

It didn't sprout fast enough
so I sprinkled away
with an extra helping of water
To follow up, I fertilized
Still, it was not as colorful
as it seemed it was meant to be

I doted on it
Extra sunshine
Extra dirt
Extra air

But didn't you know
that plants could talk?

It shook
one of  its leaves at me,
another one was like a hand perched
upon its stem
as it glared at me without eyes
Its golden mane of petals
surrounded its pale, flowery face
like a halo surrounds the sun
and it said

"Are you trying to **** me?"
"Did you ever hear of killing someone with kindness?"
"Thank you for your good intentions, but....they aren't that good"
"Let me grow"
"Let me be for now"
"Let me come into my own"

I heeded it's advice
never noticing it nearly
withered and shriveled in its fight
but then I backed off
and before I knew it
the flower bloomed to height!

Ok, so this didn't really happen
But the moral of the story is......

Sometimes, you have to stand back
and let things happen on their own
as you can be more of a hindrance
than you are a help

A lesson, I had to learn in life

It is said
that if you have no rain,
then no rainbow

I look outside my window
at the wintry storm
and I see frozen rain
descending from the skies
like a flurry of furry butterflies

Inside my little, haven,
my humble home,
where I am safe and warm,
I see the snow
falling gently down,
like soft, white feathers from above
and accumulating upon the ground
like a collection of cold diamonds

What a dreamer am I!  

I guess it beats having the winter blues

Do you ever feel like you're missing the boat, that your life is like a ship floating on by but you're not in it?

Do you ever feel like your watching others live their lives, like on a big, pretend movie screen, but you are not a participant of your own?  

Does reality sometimes bite you in the **** and the pain drive you to rethink: Where the hell am I going with this?

I don't want a cheap, imitation life
I want more than just getting by
I'm not saying I'm cashing in my chips
I "m not saying all is lost
I just want to tear it all down
The paper scenario of the facade
It's doable because I've done it before
I had to in order to thrive

I don't want a cheap, imitation life

Towers,
raining down tears and blood,
Showers,
raining burning steel,
a gushing flood.
Panicking people,
leaping to their deaths.
The only chance to find
a dousing rest.
Buried in the heap of ash,
the smoking pinnacles have crashed!

Oh, New York!
Mourning for your dead!
The flag's colors have run,
all have bled
into darkest scarlet,
deepest red!

Frightened Lady Liberty
had dropped her torch,
her harbors so badly scorched!
The dust pasted on each ghostly face,
the horrified, tear-stained
human race!

In a Pacific Ocean playground palace,
calm Alaskan waters--
but no comfort!
No hideaway
for this American daughter!

Thousands of miles away,
oh, New York City,
was I in a midst of serene sea,
yet longing,
longing to be home
nearer to thee!

Head
feels like lead
getting out of bed

But I keep movin' on

My energy is sagging
My feet are dragging
And I am lagging

But I keep movin' on

Fill my lungs with morning air
Comb out my brown hair
Grumpy that life is not more fair

But I keep movin' on

Feet finally find their way
Got to work to earn my pay
Reluctantly meeting the day

But I keep movin' on

Because I refuse
to loose

Letting the daily grind
consume my time

Because I believe
there's a higher purpose to achieve

So I muster up fresh strength
Walk life's winding path of greath length

And I keep movin' on

I'm one heck of a writer
                    But I'm a lazy reader

I'm thoughtful
                    But selfish

I'm curious about life
                    But find myself numb

I'm a saint
                    I'm a sinner

A little bit cocky
                    But feel like a loser

I'm far from flawless
                    But I'm certainly not unique

I'm dark
                    I'm light

Yes, that is me
                   Welcome to my imperfections

Do you believe in fairy tales?
Does the prince always rescue the maiden in distress?
Does the guy always get the girl?
Do they always live "happily ever after"?
Do you believe?

I thought I did

Do you believe in Hollywood endings?
Where the bad guy always loses?
Where the good guy always wins?
Where all his problems are solved in two hours?
Do you believe?

I thought I did

It all satisfied my most inner longings
It deeply touched my heart
But time went by
And age shed  away my innocence
Do I really believe?

I thought I did

If you lend me your ear
I'll write you a poem

.......Or a short story

Whatever comes as inspiration

If you'll  focus your eyes upon my page
You might get a whimsy gleam in them, or wipe away a tear or two

All depending upon the mood and the tone of matter

If you extend to me an open mind
Perhaps, I will fill it, chock full, with something worth your time

And you will read on like a voracious consumer of vocabulary

If you'll  open up your heart
Maybe, I might stir it up with a solid, hearty recipe of words, sentences and imagery

That will satisfy the yearning soul

So give whatever you can give me,
And look forward to all of that

Sometime, more in the future

You've read my writings
But you don't know me
Maybe this is the first one you've read of mine
Or you've read much more
You've read me pouring my heart out
Words spilling out in abundance that reveal my fears, my hopes and dreams, my imagination, my hunger and yearning to be heard, my pain and sadness, my insatiable need for acceptance and acknowledgement

I've revealed things that I haven't told to some people I know
Maybe I feel safe in this public domain
For you don't know me
And we are never face to face

And I don't know you
But we are all flesh and blood
We all laugh and we all cry
We all bleed the same color
We all take our thoughts and put them to words
We've all written some of the same stuff
Have had the similar stories to share
Familiar words of hope and loss
Sadness and joy
Desire and regrets

We writers have an incurable quest for expressing our world
A search to find the meaning within
Our words prove that we are lived here
Like random people carving their initials in a tree
And though you don't know me
You and I can feel a kindred spirit
Of some sort

Hey, flower!
How come you have to come along
and disturb my state of mind?
Confusion, unrest, and the like.
What a manipulator you are!
Winking at me with soft petals
and subtle hints of sunshine.

Brilliant and bold
in your gentle composure...
Pastel petals as delicate as butterfly wings
Yet strong enough to make a statement
like a captain in command

I just don't think you are fair
For you just gave me a jolt
And I was having a
perfectly miserable day
until you came along.

Hold onto that Faith
When others mock and see faith in God as foolish
When you're told your final destination is the cold, dark grave
When you are branded as illogical, uneducated and ignorant
When Doubt is knocking at your front door and demands a foothold

Hold onto that Hope
When you sense you are in a downward spiral
When you are tired of the long uphill
When tears threaten to drown you
When you just don't see the sense of life

Hold onto that Love*
When you encounter those who have none for you
When you have the desire to be unloving
When you know this world is nothing without it
When you know it what makes life bearable and true

Don't listen to what the culture says about you. Forget about what you see in the magazines. Forget about what you watched on TV. Forget about what you have seen in the movies. Forget about what you hear on the radio or came across on the internet. Forget what you just saw on a billboard or store poster. We are women of worth. It doesn't matter what we look like, how much we weigh, what our bra size is, or how **** we are...we are beloved by God who made us and He loves us without ridiculous, unrealistic demands, the cruel demands to be perfect to the eyes of the world. Outer critics are everywhere, and our inner critic wants to chime in and get aboard. We are women of worth. May we all remember this.

I want to write a story
You can write one, too
That   -
You know that   -
That one, little keyboard symbol
That will one day be situated
In-between the day you were born
And the day you will die

Fill it up with the story that  is your life
With the highs and lows
The great and the ordinary
The joyful and the painful
The achievements and the lost opportunities
The rock bottoms and the redemption

For you must know that
The crux of the matter belongs in the  -
The pearl inside  
The life that exists within the two extremes
Of your existence,
The beginning and the end


For that is the story of your life

The raging storm inside me
Like a tempest at the sea
Has subsided for me some
Yet with memories gales shall come

Who can make the waters still?
Take away the icy chill?
Those old tapes within my head
Old ghosts that I wish were dead

Here comes Mr. Wolf
trying to pull the wool over my eyes
but those fangs are protuding
from underneath your disguise!

Hey, old carnivore buddy!
I'm not a little lamb
So don't come sneaking about
when I got a shotgun in my hands!

Dear Mr. Wolf
Please know it is a late hour
Came back another day
My heart's a tough one to devour!

You can't have my grandmother, either
You go before it's too late
I'd rather shoot off your hind end
then end up on your plate!

Mr. Wolf, you creature of trouble!
Why are you in sheep's clothes?
All decked out in innocent finery
but those pointed ears and that long nose!

Will you huff?
And blow my world down?
Will you puff?
And level my house to the ground?

You can huff and puff
and do that all day
but I'll be the one
to blow you away!
  
Oops, wrong fairy tale!
Those little oinking hogs, three
Your sure have an appetite
For anything that looks tasty!

Go find a rabbit to chase
or in the hen house for a chicken
Don't stand in my doorway
with your chops a'lickin!

I know Mr. Wolf
It's been a while in between meals
But I'm not easy prey
I'm not so easy to steal

Hey, I might be the famous girl
in the red hood
But I'm not all that wholesome
I'm not all that good

I'm a girl of the twenty-first century
Not fainting and weak, but tough
Sorry you could not get what you wanted
I'm not so sweet and accepting, not enough!

Tail between his legs
Mr. Wolf finally retreats
regretting that it's not like the old days
when it would be easier for a meal to eat

Wow!  That was a close one, the scared little girl said
That old critter didn't know the real  me
I wore my cape and hood like he wore his wool
shielding my trembling so he'd leave me be!

Letting go

to the wind

to the world

all the baggage

of yesterday

Letting go

I surrender

Humbly, I do


Because tommorrow

I'm going to be guilty

of picking through the

garbage and trash cans

accumulating much of  it

all over again

feeling like a weakling

a loser


But you love me anyway

even though I could

hate myself to death

You, one who understands

my internal struggle

understanding that a battle

may be won today

but the war ain't over

tomorrow

I want to be young again
To do stupid things
And use being green as my excuse

I want the energy
The innocence that I had
The flair of the naive

I want the imagination
That just flowed
And was never jaded by scars

But wisdom is a precious commodity
And I won't trade it for anything
Even for renewed youth

I miss that girl
I don't think I knew her that well
She was so scared

She would believe anything
She was not me
I'm too old for that stuff

Good
Bad
Up
Down
Neutral
Unsure
Unconfident
Courageous
Curious
Journeying
Tired
Re-energized
Lost
Found
Doubt
Faith
Stifled
Pro­gressing
Learned
Learning
Sought
Seeking
Despaired
Hoping
Unfinis­hed
More

Oh, Clock
Do you ever tire of the incessant ticking,
Desiring your busy hands to relax, at least once, from of the endless telling of time?

Oh, Sun
Does it ever cross your mind to feel like quenching your fiery furnace
To relieve your sweat and live discretely among the coolness of the shadows?

Oh, Earth
Do you feel the need to be the imperfect dancer
To cease to spin in exquisite precision and simply stand still in thought ?

Oh, Death
Do you not grow weary of the troubling grief and suffering you force upon us
And consider surrendering your demand, your need for the all-consuming end to the beating of our hearts?

Do you?

There are surely times I want a vacation from myself

Can you take all my pain?
Bury it deep in the ground?

Maybe, a blooming seed of sorrow
Will soon rise up out of the cold dirt
And the sun and the rain might nurture it
With mercy, they might not crush its fragile beauty

Can you take all my pain?
Bottle up the tears and pour them in the ocean?

Maybe that is how the oceans were born
From all the tears from all the people everywhere
Who felt that the torrent of tears would never end
Depositing that gushing flood of weeping upon the ground

Can you take all my pain?
Write down all that hurts me and then set it to fire?

Watching the paper go up in a blaze
And bits of it taking off in flying embers
Floating its way up to the sky
Maybe that is how the sun got its pizazz  

Maybe......just maybe

To hold the whole world in the palm of your hand
But to be as fragile as a broken winged bird
To do far more than you should
And to have enough strength left over
That nutures a needful child

To stand alone sometimes
To maintain your own belief system
To find beauty in the world
To desire to be beautiful
But frustrated with society's need for false beauty
To find a female friend who understand your tears
When life is not a bowl of cherries

To keep a chin up when you want to be emotional
To laugh and shout and act crazy
To carry on an intelligent, stimulating conversation
To have the courage to be wrong
For the sake of peace
To be allowed to be human
In spite of "you can have it all"
To take a risk you always wanted to do
But never had the guts before to try
To create art
Or to be an athlete
To negotiate
To relate
To be a leader and not always submit

Or whatever I forgot to mention

To do the unusual
Or the unheard of
And to run away
To a secret hiding place
Nestled in your very own dream
Might be something a male mind might take for granted
But these are qualities
That women could not always do
Throughout the ages

But, to me, they are important
To be a woman

The bee makes honey
Golden treat for lips and tongue
Odd to be our foe

Often I've felt like I was on the outside,
Forever looking in..and
Now I've come to believe I'm someone in this world
It is so nice to be on the receiving end

I lit
the wick,
a slow start,
barely a fire...
almost smoldering...
but
just the same,
there's a flame
rising above
a flicker.
And I can see
no doubt
it's gonna shine.

If women are really from Venus
And men are really from Mars
Both are from the stars

Both complete the human race
Both portray an equal part
That creates a beating, human heart

I've been quiet for a season
Like the dormancy of winter
Yet I am quite longing for growth of a revolutionary spring
To rise up from my deep hibernation
To bring those tales that beg to take form
The empty screen is longing
To become filled with poetic messages
And works of fictional and nonfictional tales
These fingers itching to type words
To bring them to full fruition
This mind is more than willing
Like a bloom ready to unfold its intricate petals
To spill forth its secrets

Hearing the call
Fidgety to the poking
Feeling the hunger
Responding to the mighty urge
I cannot stop that grumbling murmur within
That has fell into slumber
The reawakening in my soul, stirring
Me into action

So I write, again

Herd of gazelle leap
Flows the clear, clean, babbling brook
Nature, swift and free

If I embrace it
it sifts through my hands
like sand in an hourglass
It has been about as obtainable to gather
as carrying water within my fingers

Time has not been my friend
It has mocked me for all the countless
swings of the pendulum
that I did not heed.
One day I was a child,
but then I blinked
and I was grown

Only when I wanted time
to hurry itself along
did it trick me again
as if to tell me
it would take its time
Only then did its busy hands
seem to stand still

It rudely invades my dreams
when it is not welcome
sounding the alarm
to call me to attention,
and I must answer its dictates
as the world does not wait
for slackers such as me

I wear it on my wrist
like I am bound to it,
a symbol of my mortality
Its ticking away
I cannot escape
Its two hands
I'd like to break
and smash its face
against a wall

At times

Cornflowers so blue
Lovely skies soft, powder blue
Blues within banished

I danced and danced
and danced away
until the sun
turned into the moon
A curious sliver,
a faint silver
was it
I cried out to the darkness.
"Show your face again!"

But no answer

So I shouted out
"Never again will a light shine
that beams warmly on mine!"
The clouds could scatter
with the blowing of my breath,
but the call of night
was as cold as death

Yet, oddly, dots of light
peeped out from the curtain
of velvet black,
like a celestial pact
were stars upon stars
as rays of hope
from afar

Gathering as glowing jewels,
fireflies dancing the skies
in shimmering pools!
I shouted out in triumph,
"I win! I win!
Never again
shall light end!
All but lost
if not for God's gems!"

Alive with wonder,
I cried out once again,
"Shine! Shine!
Rebels, all of you!
You sea of painted pearls!
Don't you know it's a dark
and lonely world?"

Lights strung on houses
Cardinal on snowy branch
Prime pine trees gathered

Christmas lights
Outdoor trees, delight
Taking away the fright
Of a wintry, cold, dark night

Christmas lights
A glorious sight
Taking away the bite
Of a wintry, cold, dark night

Christmas lights
Black skies contrast the ground, white
And warmth of soul ignites
My inner fire on a wintry.....

Cold, dark night

Though the pain was agonizing
it subsided

Though the night was void of light
the sun rose again like clockwork

Though obstacles seemed overwhelming
I perservered

Though I felt the tears fall endlessly
I laughed again

Though I wanted to give up entirely
I didn't

Though the world seems in turmoil
it keeps on spinning

So why should I let a little word like "though" defeat me?

I got news for you
I ain't your fool
Who are you anyway?
The wicked things that you say
You tell me I'm no good
That you'd choke me if you could
I try to tell you that you're a liar
But your words sting me just like fire
Who are you anyway?
The wicked things that you say
Yeah, I know who you are
Want proof just see my scars
You're the demons inside
But you can't hide
You're the demons within
But you can't win
I belong to Him
I belong to Him

I'd cry with you
but what did I say?
My tears have all
just gone away.

I once was like you
of flesh and blood
and how my tears
have caused a flood!

But now my eyes
have all gone dry
because closed up hearts
refuse to cry.

I feel like a puzzle with missing pieces
I don't know when I ever felt whole
Perhaps I was the day I was born, but I'll never know

But now my life seems fragmented
Like a puzzle that is in many pieces
And I cannot find the missing parts

I have been slowly reconstructing it all back together
Sometimes, nothing seems to fit any way I try
And, in my rage and sadness, I find myself wanting and lacking

Perhaps,  none of us are meant to be whole
But our lives are filled with "holes" instead
So we know we need to rely on others

Relying on others so we are humbled
That we don't have it all together
And in our need, we shall reach out

In that way, my brokenness is a blessing
For it bannishes my foolish pride
And lets me know I am only human

It lets me know I need God
I am but a part of a bigger picture
Even if I do not have all the answers I want

I got a notion
to swim in the ocean

Or maybe fly high
up in the sky

Or maybe climb
somewhere sublime

But I got to stay home
and write this poem

It isn't so bright
but its all right

Make friends with yourself
For a lifetime is too long
To be your own worst enemy

Coffee I don't care for
in my cup
Unless I need a caffeine fix
to shake me up

I tried it with cream and sugar
I tried it black
I tried it with flavors
but I can't get the knack!

My tea I prefer ice cold
because may it is the "hot"
that is the real problem
or maybe it is not

I'll take my caffeine
in fizzy soft drinks
Coca Cola rules!
That's what I think

I remember fear,
when fear lived inside
I did not invite it in
It had its own key

I remember fantasy
Fantasy and I got along
Together we overcame,
and fear took off running

I remember stubbornness,
determined to make my own way,
not to live in a little shoe box,
determined to fly away

I remember that little girl
That little girl knew me
I am not anyone I can recall
I'm just me

Memoirs of a false god:

I've got to do more
I've got to be more
I hear the cracking of the whip
Work harder!
Work harder!

For starters, I am not good enough
And surely, I am not fast enough
Not pretty
Not perfect
I'll never amount to anything!

I will earn your love
I will do my best...
Only I always seem to fail you!

Make bricks without straw!?
Don't stop until it's right!?

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Are you trying to **** me!?

You do not love me!
You do not care about me!

I cannot take it anymore!

Oh, no!
What was I saying!?
I am slipping further away...
until you're nearly

...........gone

Oh, god!
Help me!
Don't leave me!
I'll do better!

Slipping,
sliding,
shrinking
into a tiny, little, insignificant speck,
I am becoming.....

smaller...smaller...smaller

Dead silence

What is this?
Can I believe it?
You are gone!

Good!
You are gone!
I'll put you to rest,
a funeral and burial
because you are a false god!

To the Lord of second chances:

In the midst of my darkest hour,
like a beacon of light,
the gateway to freedom
still stands,
right where it always was
and always will be

Still scared out of my wits,
but I gain momentum
as I do a one-eighty
and stand before the cross

Weary
Weak
and worn,
but man,
it's good to be home

I want to be everybody's darling
Everybody's literary delight
I want to be America's sweetheart
Like a neon light

I want to be a lady
Who imprints you like a magnet
One in whom once you meet
You shall never forget

I don't want much, you know
But only constant applause
Forgive my bold shamelessness
For, perhaps, I am love starved