dont even try to retrace your footsteps theyre lost in the footnotes,
every turn of the little hand makes the atmosphere heavier, nothing gives.
you see the problems and the solutions but you feel like youre being asked the questions everyone knows the answers too, and being expected to prove them right,
there is not a time when im alone that i feel lonely because something deep inside me gives me comfort and gyroscopic stability that came as an adaptation to seismic unrest like the left side of my chest was strewn accross the san andreas fault, there is a ghost in my room that keeps me company when my grilfriend goes away,
when the sun has left because hes late for his shanghai appointment the moon beams down on me with a smile as wide as hers when that stupid cheerleader song that is too catchy to not sing along to comes on,
the grin on her face when shes wittier than me gives me the same comfort as the phantom of my mind.

Most nights I dont have to wish for her to keep me warm,
my blankets embrace me just as softly but they dont squeeze my ribs the same.
One time my grandfather told me when I was really young that a woman can never be  anything less than everything shes supposed to be, and that if its your woman your job is to see that through. I like to think if maybe I could rewind time about 3 years and somehow manipulate all 3 of our timelines enough that you would get to meet him and hear his laugh, or get a nickname from him and be able to tell me if my hugs feel like his cause ive never felt safer than those moments.
I never wanted to take you from your family and I feel each day they like me less and I like you more.
Marriage is a weird concept to me and ive never been sure if its what I want, its no fear of commitment or fear of missing out on anything but it just seems silly to me. non essential even.
I dont know but I know that standing in the doorway to my bathroom and looking her in the eyes as my breaths matched hers Ive never been more positive of who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,
of who I want to watch our friends grow old with,
of who I want to argue over song lyrics with ( and lose ) forever,
of who I want to be the one I trust with the things im afraid of telling myself,
of the one whos poison I would drink if the last words I heard were
"I love you b"
Ive never been happier to be called disgusting by anyone than when they refer to the unreasonable amount of attachment and affection we have for each other,
I have NEVER cried more over anyone other than my grandfather and thats because ive never met anyone more monumentally important in my life I like to think my grandfather would be so proud of the woman you are, someone with a voice and soul, someone with  a warm heart filled with cold winters and the same unrestful home life he knew I had and tried to sing me through with songs and nicknames, I can never know the struggles you had, I can never feel your pain or rub away the scars, but I just want to make you smile and hear you sing, I just want to kick it in Australia with a blunt in my mouth while I watch you dip your toes in the sea and know your love is just as expansive, nobody gets to decide who they need in their life, as I dig this hole with each smiling shovel of dirt she pushes a little back in, sneakily slowing my progress and saving my soul there is nothing greedy about my love but encompassing is an all to applicable adjective
tell your father im sorry his little girl isnt home every night anymore, and tell your mom im sorry that im the reason you guys dont hang out,
tell your niece im sorry i keep randomly showing up and asking her weird questions,
tell your cat to keep your bed warm for me cause I know you tend to feel ghost chills in the absence of your best friends curls,
tell your baggage theres tons of room in my closet,
tell your Ex's that they are history, not to be forgotten and their impact is forever but their opinions are irrelevant,
I dont know why im so dependant on you, or ****, or the ******* sunsets in the sky but there hasnt been a day when death hasnt seemed easier, but there also hasnt been a day when I have felt ready to give any of this up and I want you to know that there is nothing on this god ****** planet I wont do to make sure youre safe,
do you remember when I walked to your house just to read words to you from a dictionary?
I think back to ten months ago and smile at the way things were,
the best parts of our memories shine the brightest and the stresses of our day to days stay hidden behind the rays of good memories, the stresses of today will soon be eclipsed by good memories,
dont let the whispers in your mind tear at your heart and Ill do my best to silence mine,
there will be doubts and there will be struggles but never doubt that my grandfather blessed me with the strength to help you become everything you are meant to be and ill be here till the day we figure out the afterlife,
and if you figure it out before me im not saying ill last a month or a week even but ill do my damndest to make sure people know about your curls and skin and voice and mind,
I never want to live a day i cant tell you about,
I never want to see the world without the sound of your laugh filling the wind in my ears,
I never want to take a breath you couldnt breathe and if I ever have to I might just break.
tonight I wish she was here to keep me warm,

Roots rip through dirt in search of water like fire burns through pages searching for morals, the ocean screams as it evaporates and raindrops never signed up for skydiving, there is nothing gentle about a breeze shoved forward in a scream of defeat.
There is no peace in a world with anger heating its core and no dividing lines between good and bad,
the world is a grey area where everything is relative,
good and bad,
wrong and right,
illumination can be a synonym to salvation and damnation,
to a bright new beginning or the end of observation,
there is no all seeing eye that can also cast judgements,
no figment story or drug is any more important than our mysteriously unbalanced brains allow it to be and there is no other human but yourself who you will love and hate so intensely as the one who hides behind the mirror. Keep your shoulders broad when your back is weak, accepting responsibility is a much easier thing to practice than carrying each load,
people will wander in and out of your life,
some will leave footsteps or trinkets as reminders,
some will leave and never be re-minded,
selective porousness is the path to the correct tribe and the proper feeders of your flame,
let people come and go from your life as their path demands but reserve the right to deny them that right when you feel your dignity questioned.

where the sun cant reach tehre are things light couldnt create the beauty of so darkness had its way with evolution,
those things know more than we about the warmth of frigid water and we more than they about the suns loving embrace, but I dont long to feel the sun lap at my closed eylids, nor do I long to taste the suns radiation like the oceans salt and nor do I prefer any sensation but her touch to that of the oceans and never will I find an embrace as widely accepting as the waters

do you ever notice it when youre getting sick?
the feeling of not quite rightness,
you never noticed how draglessly every part of your body was functioning prior and even now you cant quite pinpoint which wheel needs the oil but somewhere deep in your bones your body is saying,
"yo somethings fucky"
my brain tends to be a hypochondriac when theres no **** around,
I start to notice the frowns on her face,
I start to notice the wrinkles on my moms face that werent there a couple months ago.
I start to notice how tired my diaphragm is after 18 years of heaving my ribcage up and down and start to weigh the pros and cons of giving it a couple days off.
at least till theres more ***.
I sit in front of my computer and I learn what I can and slaughter minute after minute in your absence, trying to focus more on the chronological bloodlust than the fact that youre the only positive thing going for me.
the last few times I did acid the universe spoke to me and it was a tough pill to swallow but ive never been more confident in anyones advice.
#1 on my bucket list is to just get some money, and start walking. not really without a goal or anything,and I plan on walking back but, still id like to see what the world can throw at me.
my friends still make me warmer than most but lately friends seem so non essential.
everything seems so non essential

I just want the same thing as everybody my age,
I want out out of this place,
My hometown feels like a cage,
That my spirit is in
But I'm convinced the keys disguised as a pen,
I'm trynna make this music make this money carry my family and friends make these dummies see the light and make the movement begin
This our planet as earthlings
were aware of the damage but somehow we do worse things,
Power plants get hit by tsunamis and you think that won't hurt things,
On our coast?

Just so you know id never say a word that flew across my mind unless you asked. And even then I probably wont say it because I think a lot but I choose what I feel from the thoughts. Know that your voice Is sirenesque and your skin  a moon for moths. Every bit of you is there and wonderful, there are times when I wonder which one it shall be to be honest,
me or them who does it in.
a wound opened by mistake mends easier than any other,
I should know.