As the ocean sang me songs I watched the stars and felt the cool sand on my feet. I remember feeling like I was finally able to think. Like finally, I could just sit and ignore everything I ever had to stress about and the ocean didnt care, and neither did the stars. I felt time pass and it felt natural, I didnt notice every second I just felt the world spinning for once and became dizzy with excitement. the ocean painted pictures of war and peace and light and dark and loss and gain with each gently crashing wave. I remember being reminded of the subtle futilty that is our existence and I smiled and told myself id make myself more than a cosmic blink, but I wasnt even there yet. the ocean reminded me that there is something much bigger and more important than me and my problems. It calmed my brain and chased away any feelings of seclusion even though I was alone on the beach. previously my brain was warm with unrest and scattered anxiety danced all over my thought proccess but with the ocean kissing my ears it all seemed to stop except the grand clock that ticks long after nothingness is achieved and matter not longer matters.

Death wanders in every way but aimlessly with a bag of "welcome homes" for the souls who make it through life without getting trapped.
Wheels turnin on pure momentum can roll for miles piloted by a corpse,
whos to say one couldnt win a race?
Even if he finishes first what could a cold a corpse want with victory?
Souls cant be bought back with fortune and fame,
death doesnt want it and the devils got enough of it.
A corpse who earns the title "winner" will still sit and wither until the dust that brought him life finds the place of its donation,
till his soul has told itsself "it was worth it" enough times he believes it,
the thing is a corpse who crosses the finish line first wont be seen as a corpse, people will pump artificial life into their veins with their words of endearment. The corpse, Now piloted by some rogue fascination of himself will come to see the world as his himself,
dead,
but victorious,
pumped full of artificial life and tinged with good intentions,
blanketed with fear and wrapped in the cold embrace of purgatory.
The problem with artificial life is that its no less temporary or tangible than the proposed "real life",
in fact in many ways its much sweeter,
but also more ignorant,
after all ignorance is bliss.
Artificial life can be taken as easily as any other and death tends to follow up the first meeting to make sure things are ending smoothly.
Hes got a quota and hes not about to fall short because of somethin as petty as a second chance.
Death was a victor once too,
now he shambles here and there, or floats or appears,
who knows,
maybe one of the corpses piled near hollywood has seen his grand entrance, but they might be hard to pick out.
I dont know if talking to them would grant you much knowledge on something like that though
perhaps its better to stop and ask a tumbleweed what theyre running from,
or running to,
they might have a more accurate idea of where the finish line is.
All ive ever learned from a death is that life doesnt stop when you die and you wont die just once,
and when a corpse wins a race he cant wear the ribbon.

I try to see us working because I would love that but,
but,
every time I take a step I feel you recoil with second guesses,
I do my best to respect boundaries then you start blurring the lines,
I do my BEST to keep it cool and then you hit me with a heat wave that burns like chicago in 72'.
I wish youd make this **** clear cause im done sailing on the foggy friendship ship, even the scenic route *****.
please take your peace core dreams and sail out of my life,
you make me want a travel companion and I need to do this alone.

y

Every day theres a different thought of you that skips through my mind in a floral pattern sundress with a smile so big Im pretty sure it couldnt go through a drive thru and I slip slowly  away  piece by piece, dripping away from the sound of music in my headphones and my now always filthy room, and the smell of **** and incense,
I slip back to days spent in a high school gym when my only thoughts were of when I would get to see you that day, or how you were feeling or what you were thinking about. I slip back to the first valentines day I knew you and you made me a mixtape which I wasnt aware of then but is apparently your thing. I slip back to the time when as we were leaving that same gym I accidentally said "I love you" and you just giggled and replied
"I love you too."
I slip back to days spent feeling sick at the thought that I couldnt have you in my life, I remember it eating at my insides and my stomach goin on strike, I remember taking money from my moms purse to buy **** because I thought it might help me be happy but it didnt and it still doesnt.
I slip back to days in hardware stores spent checking out kitchen sets just to **** time, and going to waffle house and not wanting to eat my hashbrowns.
I slip back to sitting in jimmy johns for the first time eating a sandwich I didnt care to try to taste but it didnt matter because you were right next to me eating your favorite food and you you were so ******* cute it made my sandwich better anyway. I also remember when they started putting way too much mayo on the sandwiches for you so you stopped going.
I slip back to nights spent in my bed trying my best to not be too forward, finally taking your que and learning your neck and discovering the weird things about how you sleep, I slip back to the warm feeling of my chest against your back as you slept and the way your chest rose and fell in such a way I couldnt stop watching, the way your hair shone in the green Christmas lights around my computer and I remember being so happy, so indescribably happy.

I slip back to telling you everything that came to mind and you genuinely caring, which honestly ****** me up cause if I do it to other people it seems like everything I say has no substance and irrelevant relevance.
I slip back to when I first realized I wasnt enough to make you happy. I thought about you when we were together, and you any time we were with someone else.  I thought about how other people made you laugh differently and how much I agreed with you when you tweeted about how you were too cute for me anyway, I slip back to wishing I knew what was wrong with me and why I wasnt able to make you happy, I slip back to realizing I was holding myself back because  I didnt want to lose you but I also slip back to thinking, "what am I losing?"
I slip back to you never wanting to give me a title and thats not something I get to decide,
I slip back to all the "its complicated"s and "im not really sure"s
I slip back to watching you become such a product of your environment, and watching you flirt with each and every one of our friends and staying silent because its not my right to say **** about the way you interact with people, I remember not being able to express how much your relationship with my cousin stressed me out because it wasn't my place to say who you could and couldn't be friends with and my emotions shouldn't effect that at all.
I slip back to the first time we knew it wouldn't work when I was sitting outside in your car with you crying my eyes out because Id never be in your passenger seat with my hands in your hair again, and how every silver car I saw would only make me think of you and how any time I hear a good song Ill want to send it to you and every time the sunset kisses my eyes ill want to take a picture for you because you'll probably miss it,
but I cant anymore.
because now I made a decision that ill stand by,
I made a decision that I honestly think was a good one for the both of us as we find someone who makes us truly happy, I feel deep down you know I wasnt making you happy but you were just comfortable with me, and invested.
your response to it all was
"glad were on the same page"
but I know your favorite thing to gather and hide is spite so Ill avoid contact with you for a while I guess. Ill watch you grow and hopefully grow as well. Ill learn to hold my peace and come to grips with my destiny which as I said since we first started texting is not in "Nowhere Louisiana", I hope you continue to blossom and find a bearded motorcycle riding man who can play instruments and make your heart sing more beautifully than you do.
every day a little memory of you skips through my mind and I feel your eyelids flutter on my cheek as your showed me what a butterfly kiss was,
every day a little memory of you slips from my mind as well.

I dont remember the first time we spoke,
or the last but I remember all the times in between,
I remember my birthday in Pre K when you came to visit me for lunch because my mother couldnt,
I remember when you first taught me the "hambone song" and every easter egg hunt, every ripped open christmas gift, I remember every picture on the walls and the smell of your cologne,
I remember the first time I heard you had cancer,
I didnt know what it meant,
but I cried,
I cried because I also remembered my moms best friend being the first death I wtinessed because of whatever cancer was,
I remembered her skinny body getting thinner and thinner as the cancer weathered her away and I remember my mom crying at the funeral but I was too confused and scared to cry,
now hearing that this disease was inside the only respectable male figure in my life at the time was terrifying,
then I remember learning it was only in your finger and they simply removed it and that was that, I wasnt sure why it didnt work that way with Darlene.
I remember all the jokes you used to make and how everyone had a nickname,
I remember how you made the best breakfast anywhere ever,
I remember your cataract surgery, I remember every hopsital visit I was present for and i remember the pain you went through when your wife of 55 years died of a heart attack, the wife you fed cleaned and clothed because her mental capacity had been severly hindered by annurisms and strokes past, and who you loved till the very end.
I remember that funeral making more sense and the whole death thing being alot easier to grasp,
I cried at that one.
I remember the second time I heard you had cancer,
in the same finger,
and they removed it the same way.
I remember you driving an hour from new orleans just to bring us satsumas and make my mom laugh,
I remember the third time they said you had cancer and it was something worse,
in your lungs,
and it was some monster with a name I was familiar with from tv,
mesothelioma, I remember them saying you had no more than 6 months to live and I was only a freshman then with no respect for authority and no understanding of the importance of appreciating your time with people,
I remember the law suits,
I remember you paying off our house,
and our land note,
and I remember you being so sick at one point you couldnt leave your bed,
there was liquid pooling in your lungs and weighing them down on your spina nd I can only imagine that feels like having glass shoved throgh your back from the inside out,
you layed and bore it for days with the pain medication,
you took so much you couldnt really function, just to avoid the pain, and it want really working..
I remember my aunt walking in on you trying to load your revolver and having to wrestle it from your hands,
my aunt told me in tears that you asked her to let you **** yourself,
I remember you getting better when they put some talc in your lungs to absorb the liquid,
and you got better.
well for a couple months,
and things seemed to be looking up,
but then it came back in full force,
and I guess at this point you deserved the rest,
i remember looking at your body in the casket and thinking
"this is the last time ill see you?  thats not fair"
I remember looking around the room at family and friends I had never met and thinking of all the people you were leaving behind and sobbing because it was not ******* fair,
I remember your mother having to bury you in her 99th year on earth,
I remember your casket being closed and the poems my cousins read but I was too shy to write,
I remember riding in the limo on the way to bury you and how we all joked to keep our mind off it,
and I remember wanting to ***** as my stomach twisted watching your coffin be placed into your grave next to the wife you married as a ahandsome young man with your whole life ahead of you,
I thought in that moment if you knew all the lives youd effect or create,
I just wanted to say thankyou because I never did and now I couldnt ever.
like I said I dont remember the first time or last time we spoke but I remember everything in between and not even death can take those memories from me I will drag them to the bottom of hell with me if I have to.

I lay down at night in varying degrees of ****** up, and my brain starts to go over the day, and my brain starts to go over the past few days,
I knew there would be nights where I miss you but I didnt think there would be nights where I missed you so much I got the smell of my ***** and cranberry juice confused with your morning breath,
or a night where I smoked a cigarette just to know if it helps like you said it did,
it didnt, but I dont hate you for lying to me.
I didnt think id miss you so much someone elses thighs or the curves of someone elses soft back could only make me want to call you,
its a good thing I dont have a phone right  now.
I didnt think I would sit down to write and lose all inspiration because youre the inspiration,
you were the first person to make me remember how much writing can help you declutter my mind and now every time I think of my favorite traits in myself I think of how somewhere along the line I did what I did because of you,
and now I do what I do because of me,
I cant be here,
I cant be yours,
I cant be gods or americas or anyone but mine,
im on this earth for me and that might seem selfish but I urge everyone to live the same way,
we are not here to linger in each others presences and follow the rules that are thrown at us,
I dont know why were here though,
I only know why im here,
im here to be happy, and my happiness does not reside in law school or financial stability or any of that it comes from the raw fact that I do the things my own being would be happy about. im here to feed my essence so that when I die this shell can rot, but my effect will be benevolent or beneficial.