I’ve started and restarted so many times,

It’s hard to place the words the way I used to,

Writing now feels like putting on a retainer I haven’t worn in years.

I can get it to work,

But I can tell things aren’t lining up the way they used to,

I used writing as a way to step back from the flow of my thoughts, to examine them for what they are.

I’m out of practice, because my thoughts don’t need stepping away from these days.

Because where one muscle has grown weak I’ve spent the last 2 years strengthening a different set, maybe.

Might just be rust, might just be a new era.

There’s no better feeling than being wanted.

Nothing shakes you quite so much to your core as the knowledge of being not.

My hands are tied behind my back and my entire being is in a tight knot, swollen and gripping to different parts of myself, so bound together by my own actions that I couldn’t undo the forces that hold me the way I am if I even wanted to.

Walking through the Houston Airport, my mind couldn't rest, my heart ached for something that it couldn't quite place, and I felt like my insides couldn't sit still.
    The morning we did our last hike together, we got in the car and I realized how little we had really seen of each other on the trip. The morning was perfect, and the view of the island was incredible. I think we left a piece of us there at the top. Whether  The piece of us that was together, or the pieces of ourselves we had given to each other, im not certain.
      As we discussed forever feeling changed by the trip I never imagined you had changed away from me. I understand now, some of the things I didn't then, so I hope in due time I'll understand what I don't now.
     There's a still image of you and your friend smiling so wide, both out of fear and exhilaration, as waves threatened to sweep you away. I hope you fill your life with moments that make you smile that way.

an ant,

Lured into a pitcher plant by the sweetest scent,

Drowning in the unexpected excess,

Bathed and enveloped by bliss.

I still remember days as sweet as sunset snowballs,

warm summer air on our skin,

A Vance Joy CD on the radio.

Those days feel like a dream now.

A story someone told me,

or a book I read in middle school,

Enlist a draft,

Reinforce the gates,

On your mark,

Get set,

Kick rocks,

Best yet,

Worst ever,

Self absorbed,

Self destruction,

Twinkle twinkle,

Row your boat,

**** is not a dream,

Fire up the presses,

Alert the media,

Step back step back,

Gather round gather round,

Pull the pin,

Blow out the candles,

Drop the mic,

Pick up the pieces,

Ride the wave,

Crash and burn,

Pop the top,

Live and learn,

On and on,

Rest In ****.

It pains me to say so honest,

You've come to the same sudden and shocking conclusion as the rest,

No matter the amount of love you have for me,

I am ****.