I can't seem to catch my breath
There's a ball of fire in my chest
My lungs feel like they're about to implode
My hands are shaking
My vision is blurring
I don't know why I feel like this
And I'm scared

I convinced myself
That the answer to all of my problems
Would be found at the bottom of a bottle
I didn't find it that first time
But it hasn't stopped me from looking

I can still see the scars
From where I cut and burned myself
There dark circles around my eyes
My lips are chapped
My knuckles are bruised
And my cheeks are hollowed out
This is not beautiful

I sleep on your side of the bed
I look at our old pictures
I walk the paths we used to
Hand in hand together
And smoke pack after pack of cigarettes
To keep the taste of you on my tongue
This is not romantic

Anger is crawling up my throat
Trying to find an escape
Depression is seeping into my bones
Crushing me with it’s weight and desperation
Anxiety is crippling so much
That even the thought of speaking out loud causes me to panic
This is not poetic

Pain is not beauty
Heartbreak is not romantic
Mental illness is not poetic
If you want the hell
That you call quirks
Have mine
I can’t live with them anymore

I'm scared that you can still see the tear tracks stained on my cheeks

I'm addicted to self destruction
Broken down by depression and anxiety
It's not cute
Or a quirk
Or something to want
So for the love of God
Quit romanticizing my instability
When all I pray for is mental health

I hope your breathing becomes complicated
I hope your heart starts to race
I hope your palms get sweaty
I hope you stumble over your words
I hope your eyes start to shine
I hope you can't hold back a smile
I hope your cheeks turn red
I hope your thoughts become a jumbled mess
I hope butterflies erupt in your tummy
I hope it's all because of me

I’m angry
Because it’s really late
But I’m wide awake
Thinking of how it would feel like
To be in your embrace