I Hate the type of dreams
Where I'm once again
Degraded to a worthless *****
While all I'm doing in reality
is staying faithful to you.

The worst parts aren't
Even how I took it numb
And for absolutely worthless things
But then trying to tell myself
It'd all be okay
I didn't have to tell you
I'd forever hold in that ache
Because I couldn't lose you

Yet I know I could not keep
My tears away
When I were to meet those eyes
All evil commited would come undone
Then you'd see just how bad
Your dream girl can be.

This year marks the fifth year that I've known you. I've loved you for four and a half years now. We met out of instinct and pure luck. You walked up to me that day and just randomly asked me to be your friend. I instantly felt my heart jump when you spoke. I tried to tell you what I already knew. That I'd love you and I'd never stop but you already made up both our minds. We became best friends. I can't even remember how it happened, it all went down so fast. The next thing I knew we walked together. I remember that I did it on purpose. I walked the longest way home so that I could spend more time with you. We were so young and all these emotions erupted. I fell. I was denying my feelings for days and on New Years when I looked outside the window and saw those fireworks I had my first daydream of kissing someone. Of kissing you. It was then I knew that I was so madly in love with you. I couldn't keep it hidden. Everyone knew. You knew. You teased me. Two or three times you asked me out and just passed it off as a joke. I didn't give up. You asked for real though. But you changed your mind. Not too long after you dated my friend. Courtesy of me. I wanted you to be happy. I thought she would do that for you. I loved you so much that I let you have what I thought you wanted. Her. It lasted under a month. It's my fault it ended. Or that's how it's always felt. Then we dated for a month. Without a hug, without a kiss and then one day it ended. You ended it. I remember being angry and absolutely devastated. You watched as I tore all the love poems I had written. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I always tried to erase everything.  We never did stop being friends though. You told me you were going away that summer. I thought you meant forever. That summer was absolute hell. I remember sitting on my couch staring at the sky just crying. Just hurting. Wishing you'd come back for me. I cut for the first time. I don't know how it came to mind but I know I picked up that blade and I scratched and scratched at my shoulder until it stung. When we got back I thought I would survive. Move on with my life and put all my love away. Then you walked into the room. I cried. It was the first time I cried because I was happy. I had you and that's what I needed. We stayed friends but it didn't matter as long as you were there. I ached for you. Ached to say you were mine and that you loved me but it was too soon. We were too young. I was so nervous that first time you hugged me, I screamed. It use to tickle my heart. It made me smile though. Ear to ear. I did that every time until that day that you asked me out again. I ran to hug you screaming that I loved you. I couldn't stop giggling. I was so happy. I was yours again. I had a chance. Two days after that we kissed. I jumped back when I felt your tongue. It was our first kiss, ever. It was drizzling and when I jumped back you moved in and just kissed me and it was perfect. It was a dream come true. We kissed again once again a few days after. When we left you looked back at me and I looked back at you and I smiled. You didn't. I didn't see you again for a year. I heard from you once. You told me you loved me for the first time ever. You had forgiven my mistakes. You wanted me still and I still needed you. That call it came again and again and one day you just stopped. You had faded from my life again. I was in so much pain. I cut so much when you were away. When I saw you again. I couldn't do it anymore. I buried my feelings and tried to hate you. Your eyes still pierced me. I missed you but I wasn't be hurt anymore. You dated my friend. It hurt so bad. I just pretended. I threw out all the stuff from the years that I had known you. The outfit from our kiss. The hundreds and hundreds of poems. I threw away everything. I wanted to go. To run. I felt so alone. Nothing could make it go away. Then you and her ended and my soul felt such relief. I talked to a few months later. You kept apologizing.  We talked again. I laughed and I smiled. We talked about our miserable relationships. Then one day we were just both single and you told me your feelings were coming back. I got scared. I tried to change the subject. We met though. One day. It had been the first I had seen you without hate, without pain, with hope. With happy memories flooding back I met you. We talked awkwardly and then I kissed you. You were so confused and surprised. Then you kissed me. You asked me out. Here are. You proposing three months later. Us making love. Me, falling in love all over again and letting it happen. Letting myself become vulnerable for you because I always knew. It was always you. If we changed we changed together no matter the distance. If we broke we broke together. Our differences make things fun and controversial. It gives us a future to look towards. You and I want the same things. Each other. Marriage. Maybe a child. Happiness together. We have been through so much in our time together. Everything happened the way it did so we'd end up together the way we were suppose to be. I love you. I always will.

In your words, arise no comfort.
So I stare.
Please don't ask me why the volume is down,
cause you can't amplify an absent sound.

So which is the lesser evil?
To lose it...
or to break it?

Insignificance is a relative term
The pessimistic thoughts that pass through our heads…
The thoughts that say:
We are not good enough,
We do not matter,
We are insignificant
These are all just thoughts
Controlled by you
A person,
Who can make choices and decisions,
And although you may not be able to change the world as a whole
You can change those insignificant little thoughts
Because a person is more than what you think
They are one of seven billion, but how big is seven billion really?
And the world that you truly live in is made up of much, much less
So the next time you think you aren't enough
Remember that it’s you who controls whether you feel like enough or not.
And when I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe during the day,
And all I want to do is crawl up in a ball in my house and cry and feel and be left alone
I have to be reminded how much I’m worth
Because even if we don’t know it,
We are all worth something
Even if sometimes we make mistakes
Even if sometimes we hurt ourselves to let people know we aren't fine
Even if we feel like we’re nothing
We aren't*
Because although the world is a hateful and horrible awful place full of ignorance and judgment,
There are still lights and halos and happiness and there’s laughter too in there
There’s babies being born, people getting married, and random acts of kindness being done
There are cookies and baklava and puppies
There are young lovers and happy children and sweet singing
There’s music and art and love being made
And although the babies may be still, the couples may get divorced, and the acts of kindness may be empty
The cookies may be burnt, the baklava old, and the puppies dead
The young lovers may break each other’s hearts, the happy children may grow up and the sweet singing stopped
The music may be sad, the art distasteful and the love not true
It doesn't matter because all these things are part of life
And all of these things were done by people
And you’re a person
So I’d say that’s pretty ******* awesome.

you slept on the inside of the bed
I on the outside
you were cooler
I was calmer
and we talked of everything
but of course - mostly - nothing
you left early in the morning
I slept while you readied

you eskimo kissed my nose
to say you were leaving
and leaving me there
and before my smile reached both ears
you reached the door and were gone
but still there in my head
heading toward my heart