i don’t want to be someone who writes in pencil
and eats too slowly and walks with eyes that
are glued to the sidewalk and tops of strangers’ feet
i’ve been underwater for so long that
i’ve forgotten lungs are meant
to be filled with air; exhaling seems
more like something found
on the second star to the right, rather
than a process that is meant to be
done twenty-three thousand times a day

i feel like an old woman who
looks in the mirror and all she can see
are wrinkles and white hair and tired eyes and
the absence of who she used to be

but i am not someone who turns away
from sunsets and pretends
that darkness is all i’ve ever known;
someone who thinks
the sun will never rise again

because the sun will rise again—
the words hiding inside of me will
find their way out, because
i cannot hold my breath forever

i am not someone who writes in pencil
and erases the bits that are too
honest and too imperfect and too real
to claim as thoughts of my own

i cannot keep my lips pursed and
hands tied behind my back,
i cannot keep pretending i am
a shadow of who i used to be

my tomorrows hold suns much
brighter than ones that have risen
over horizons of my past;
i have not reached the summit yet

there is so much more me
for me to become

each day, i am new.

Let me go,
I can't let go,
These feelings are too strong
The hold is too strong
I must run
Run back
Into the place
That won't let go
Your arms..

First
Always the first hey
Never the first goodbye
Always the desperate one
But always the happy one
If
If only
You knew who really
Gave me joy
Because he used to be you

its easy
you stand
and bend a a little
then jump
but i freeze
and hit the floor
it easy* they scream
without fear all is easy
but with..
all is nearly impossible

I keep checking and checking,
watching and waiting,
but
the only thing I'm receiving is,
I can't
so I can't either
in public

Pretty.
six letters
the way only you can make me feel
so now that feeling has washed away, like a million tiny waves
never to be seen again
like the loving look and wink I always knew was waiting across the room
Gone.

I will never be in Annie again
I will never tryout for Oliver
I will never be perfect
But I will always keep trying to get on Broadway

Easy when a face can be replaced
Everyone enjoys the show like broadway
Easy to take a chance when nobody knows you right?
A song and a dance and you're a different man ever night.

Broadway, my darling
She welcomes me in
Hugs me close
Like a long lost friend
Tells me that
I belong here
I'll be strong here
Never an outcast
When you're part of
Her cast
Sing your life away
In a beautiful play
And you can always come home
To broadway.

I feel the world closing in,
My heart pounding rapidly like rain drops on a windowpane,
As I struggle for breath.
I want to cry,
Why do I feel this way so suddenly?
Moments ago,
I was absolutely fine.

Anxiety attacks make no sense.