Rusted trailers file in,
carrying pop-up roller coasters
and tilt-a-whirls. A tall man, face splashed
with paint, trips in oversized shoes.
His drawn lips smile, but teeth do not show.
A ferris wheel spins in the distance, time
measured in each rotation, the carnival's only clock.
Perched on a saddle, a small tot
rides a stallion, tangling her curled fingers
in its mane, cotton candy stained palms
shaking the reins. The steed chained
to a central post, muzzled in silence,
frozen like his carousel brothers.

My body is here, my heart has gone
My mind is stable, but can't move on.
The wrong emotion arrives late,
A smile hides a painful hate.
So high up, yet so far under
When it rains it pours; my soundtrack is thunder.

A memory is lost much too quickly,
But a lie takes its place just as swiftly.
Attempting to gain love through false affection,
I leave in a state of empty disconnection.
Guilt buried inside waits for my vulnerability
To crack my broken soul and devour it wickedly.

NFL season and 49ers games.
Twins.
Dark clothes.
The cranberries music that you so shamely confessed you liked.
Rock festivals and when 80s pop is played in night clubs cause it's the only way you will stand up and dance with me.
Buffalo wings on our first date.
Zombie movies although we've never seen a movie together.
The rooftop outside my apartment that you hated cause it didn't let us watch the sunrise.
That limited edition beer we tried together and both disliked.
Random attacks of laughter, silence and my bed.
Big streets and long rides in my car and that it only takes 10 minutes to get to your house.
Watching buildings and streets get constructed because I've never seen Engineering the same way since you explained it to me and the passion you put in your career.
The sofa at one of our friend's house.
Yellow pick ups and blue Jetta's.
The space between my fingers.
Small eyes and your dad's smile.

"Do you smoke?" you asked
as you let a gray cloud drift away from your mouth.
"No" I said quetly, ashamed that you might think I wasn't cool.
I avoided giving you that speech about dying soon.
You stayed quiet and inhaled from that toxic stick one last time
and pressed your lips gently onto mine.
I tasted the Marlboro's on your tongue
and became addicted to smoking from your kiss.

Drawn with a rapid heart and quickened breaths
I reached with sweaty palms
Eyes tearing
Mind out of wit
Giving into and coming out of the truth I once inhabited
To find anew like all caged rebels do when the casing no longer fits
Shell shocked my ears popped as sonic waves dropped
and I rode them down past hell hounds to find new grounds to stomp
Playing new fields and tilling old earth
Planting to birth something taller and less green
Yearning for clarity and found in small charities
Giving everything that I've got
To transcend and breath easy once again lest I rot
Off in search of who I really am
and remembering who I'm not

i realized why i like to wear so many clothes

                    why?

because if i wear enough it feels like someone is hugging me