expectation can cause frustration
and haunts all of us like an infestation
sometimes through parents and their oppression
or, in my case, I create my own expectation
by trying to be perfect in someone else's vision
when I know fully well that will lead to depression
perhaps it's just a result of misdirection
how would I know? there is just too much *confusion

to this day, I clearly remember
all the silly things I've done

every day holds a new reminder
of all the silly things I've done

many times I seriously regret
all the silly things I've done

many times I wish to forget
all the silly things I've done

I no longer wish to justify
all the silly things I've done

I want to go back in time
to stop the silly things I've done

I do not like masks
as they hide the truth
as I am left guessing
and I keep guessing wrong

I understand
that many wish to hide
their own bitter thoughts
behind their own mask

I use it too
but did I use it too much?
now am I too scared
to ever take it off?

every day I get the feeling
that I am invisible
sitting alone every day
and knowing I'm left out of the loop
and sometimes just thinking
what I could be doing with other people
when I'm actually just sitting here
wishing someone would walk up and say "hi"

my favorite nights
are nights like this

I can hear the wind
and feel the rain
and witness the clouds
storming away

the stars are gone,
covered by the sky
when I look up I can see
what's inside my mind

my favorite nights
are nights like these
where my thoughts
meet reality

Why do I get angry all the time?
I don't show it, but I really do have a temper
Is it because I am alone?
Secluded in my home whenever possible?
It the reason my knuckles still have wounds from the last wall I punched
Because I feel like no one understands?

Looking back... I can remember my foolishness
I thought I knew everything. I thought I figured everything out
I said some stupid things. Did idiotic acts
And then it took me long... Too long to realize
I knew nothing at all

It's been good for a while
Isolated, away from the pressures.
But now i can barley hold back tears
As I am flung back into this social spiderweb

I did a lot of thinking in 2 days time
Wondering what and how it happened
And i still don't know

We were both mad that night
Or at least i know i was
Talking about a subject that haunted me for the last year.

What do i want to do now?
I want to erase that night
Think as if it never happened
And take back what i stupidly said

Screamed into the air
Punched a wall
Threw a chair
Broke a window
Almost grabbed the knife
Then cried my eyes out

Teeth gritten
Fists clenched
Same song on repeat
"I hate everything about you"
Why is life so cruel?

Earphones in, and that one song starts playing
Instantantly, the music sweeps me back
Almost a year ago

Around the time I started listening to the smashing pumpkins
Back when things were so simple
Just before I life started to get twisted
When people were people and not problems

The music continues to take me in
I begin to recall specific parts of my not so distant past
Back when I was listening to the same song after school
Completely unaware of what was to come

The song ends
I am immediately thrown back into reality
Lost and confused
Only hoping to make it another day

Laying on the bed
Tears running down my face

I'm listening to music
But it does not fill the hole In my heart

*I need you here

just one moment is all it takes
one moment, sometimes less than a second
and you will need to live with that mistake
for who knows how long

living in the light
where every mistake is public

I just want to go back in the shadows

let me hide in the woods
where no one can see me

let the dark clouds come
and block out the sun

spare me all the humiliation
and let me go back to hiding

I am in quite a dilemma
and it is all my fault

I fear that you avoid me
and I continue my assault

I hope I didn't cause trouble
in my foolish hopes for you

I blame me and only me
and you should blame me too

if I could change my life
what would I do?

I would go back and change the part
when I fell in love with you

it could have stayed so simple
you could have been my friend

now I'm trapped in a nightmare
that doesn't seem to end

I want to stay in the shadow's grace
where no one can see my face
I want to stay in the shadow
I want to stay in the shade
I want to stay in the dark
where I have no name
I want to lose the world
and keep myself closed
I want to be cut off from the world
I just want to be gone

laying in my bed
and I want to cry
I want to cry in my pillow
until my eyes die
I want to cry
but I don't know why

I hate how I make one mistake

one slip-up

one single slip of the tongue

and I fear I messed up my life

and I hate it more

when my fears are realized

you say that everything is fine
you say I am not in the way

but why do I get the feeling that something is astray?

more people say they can't carry on
they say it will be better when they are gone

when I see worlds shatter
my heart breaks with it

let us help. let us pick you back up
before you are stuck in the ground

the sun shines,
showing the sheen of the leaves
such is the beauty of spring

the pedals fall from tall trees
decorating they sky with pink and white
watching us from above
such is the beauty of spring

the warm breeze after the frigid freeze
makes me feel like I am flying
such is the beauty of spring

every night when I am on my computer
why am I driven to tears?

it's not because I am lonely
it's not because I keep failing
it's not because I'm a fool

I cry because I cannot stand to see you suffer
I cry because you are hurt

how can I escape my darkening thoughts
when surrounded by negative feelings?

no matter how much I plan
no matter how much I think
there is always something unexpected

every idea I have, there is a flaw
every plan I think of, there is a complication

but that's not always bad, right?

another day gone by
but tomorrow, the same is neigh

my worries did not go away
the black birds are here another day

will I ever get out of this loop?
or will I stay trapped in this coop?

there is so much I want to say
but I don't know how to say it

I would rather bear the burden of my feelings
than let them go

no matter what happens
no matter what I go through
I just want to keep feeling something

I would rather feel pain or despair
than feel nothing at all

that time has come once again
when I can finally walk outside
and enjoy the fresh air

the sights and smells long forgotten
the birds happily chirping again
spring is finally here

headphones in
listening to that music

the music I listened to
before my life got twisted

I wish I could go back to that time
where it seems nothing could go wrong

so many feelings beginning to return for me
I thought they would be gone for longer, but I am mistaken.
all those thoughts that kept me down
yet they are comfortably familiar
all I can say to them is

welcome back

if only I can find a way

to sever myself from what makes me worry

to free myself from this empty feeling inside me

to break away from this darkness

if only I can find a way

to see myself out of this maze

I keep telling myself
just wait a little bit longer

I'll probably end up fine
I just need to wait a little it longer

I think I'm starting to crack
but I only need to wait a little bit longer

I don't know how long I can wait
but I will be fine

I just need to wait a little bit longer

deep and dark
and sometimes deadly
I hide in my room to find it

it tortures me
it tears my soul
I seek out others to escape it

as life slowly fills with gloom
I find it hard to keep smiling

loneliness slowly eating me away
is almost too much to bear

so someone out there please
do something to make me smile

in an instant
just for an instant
I have a distant feeling
of the carefree past

but just as fast as it comes
it disappears
leaving me stranded in reality

I have waited long
standing far aside
watching it go by

now I hope for the day
where I can go at last
to an elusive thing called love

tick tick tick

the clock ticks away
driving me insane

tick tick tick

time flies away
while I am standing still

tick... tick...

I need to drown it out
I need to keep it blocked

tick...*

but when it goes silent
all I hear is the clock

my heart says yes but my brain says no
but I don't know which to listen to

*and it's tearing me apart

when I lose control
when I fall apart

I will always know
that you will be there to catch me

I could rant about you all day
but it won't make things any better

how will I find a way out
when everywhere is a dead end?

if I were to go back
if I could do it all over again

could things be changed?

could I end up being with you?
could I have made things better for both of us?

I remember when I used to shed a tear every night
day by day, you made things better

I hope I am doing the same for you

it makes me happy to know
that I am making your day
just a little bit better

I told her my feelings
And she said no
I thought I could move on
But I was wrong

I do not know how she feels about this
I do not know what she is experiencing
But what I do know
Is that she does not want this

I do not know what to do
This is new to me
For the first time in my life
I feel lonely

If I were him
I would be sure not to make his mistakes

because he does not know
how much he lost

If I were him
I would not let us die

oh how I wish I were him

you have the power to break me down and pull me up

somehow you managed to do both

the rush of emotions used to be a thrill
the discovery of emotion I've never felt
but now I want to be over and done

I want to leave behind all my one-sided feelings
that keep me from reaching happiness

the day I finally think of you as only a friend
is the day I will be free

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle [x2]

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my [x3]
Message in a bottle [x2]

Walked out this morning
Don't believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home

I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my [x3]
Message in a bottle [x2]

Sending out an SOS