when we met, your eyes hardly met mine
and when they did, you quickly looked away
you made me want to know why
why didn't you talk, why didn't you just
take a deep breath
relax
just, talk to me
i'm nothing to be afraid of,
what's going on in that
fascinating mind of yours?
what do you think of me, of her, of them?
what keeps you awake at night, tossing and turning and
i wanted you to
let me in.

and of course, you did
and i did what i do best,
i got you to love me
but
it really wasn't me that you loved
it was this girl
who listened to you, and kissed you
and held your hand in front of your friends
we went ice skating and watched the superbowl
you made me a card for christmas and
kissed my cheek because you were too shy
to kiss my lips

but then you started to change.

it would happen at random moments,
but i started to really see
how when i wanted to show you my favorite movie
you rolled your eyes and said
"but i just wanna talk to you
spend time with you
i love you"
as your fingers brushed the hem of my shirt and you
leaned in to kiss me
but it wasn't sweet like before it was
purposeful and i
stopped seeing the boy who loved history, and who loved me, my thoughts, my words,
and i started seeing the boy who liked it better when i stopped talking
so he could touch the parts of me that he really loved

i remember when you got me flowers that i kept for so long
i gave them water and smelled them every day
and when they died
when winter turned to spring
i kept them anyway
i never threw them away
those dead, brown roses

my friends all say
"you're in love with him"
and i smile
and say
"no, i am not in love with him"
but
sometimes
i smile
and say
"i am so in love with him"
and the truth is
i do not know
how i really feel about you

you changed my life
that much is certain
and you'll never really know
just how much you've done for me
because
we're just
too different

you don't understand me
and i don't understand you
it's like we're two different planets
suddenly caught in orbit together
and it's strange and different and hard to deal with but
i like it

i do not dream about kissing you
but i dream about you choosing me
out of all the people, all the girls
i wish i was what you wanted

i think it would work out nicely
i know you pretty well
and i think
i would stay

i wouldn't leave if you got distant
i wouldn't get mad at you for
being exactly who you are

but then again
there's that minor detail
that i like to forget
you will never want me

so it does not matter
that i don't know how i feel about you
because
i know how you feel
about me

what were we?
an epic love
full of emotion
heartbreak
trust, broken, then repaired
then broken again

we were four years spent on my tan couch
popcorn and kisses
cuddling for warmth in the winter
sticky from sweat in the summer
that stupid couch, it's too hot
but that's okay, i want you near me anyway

we were the short short walk to each others house
meet halfway
we were the loving gaze, the soft touch
you holding me, safe
we were the phone calls every night before bed
we were in your car outside my house
and you, reluctant to let me go home
one more kiss

but we were also the phone being thrown across the room
the disappointment on every birthday, christmas, valentines day
the other girls
you should have known
from day one
that i was too much for you
too stupid, too sad, too much
i'm crazy, depressed, you hated that about me
but why did you stay for so long
four years
why did you stay

maybe if you had left sooner
i could have left too

i am constantly torn between
he loves me
he loves me not

he'll realize he misses me
he will never miss me
he'll realize it,
i know he will,
no
what did i do wrong
he's just stalling until
his fun and games
are done
and then
he'll come back
he'll love me again
i don't want to wait for him
but i will wait for him
but i can't
he will never love me
but he loved me for so long
it was never real
was it?
how can you just stop
how can those feelings just
stop