You ask her,
"Why did you date such *******?!"
She simply says, "I don't know."
But wait-

Maybe it's because she had a father
Who didn't teach her
How a man should treat a woman til it was
Too late;
Til she was grown and already mistreated
By every man she'd ever known.

Maybe it was because she saw
Only flaws when she looked into the mirror,
And believed them when they said,
"You're cute, but that woman over there is hot."
She learned to hate herself.
She was worthless- dirt under the feet
Of the men who walked all over her.
Never good enough.

Or maybe it's because eventually
She started to believe that
This is how relationships work.
The manipulation, the emotional abuse...
Maybe she just deserved it.
She wasn't meeting their standards,
She wasn't giving them what they wanted,
And god forbid if she asked for too much love.

She tells herself that it's her fault
That they left her.
She should've been better,
More attractive,
Less emotional and
Let them do what or whom ever they pleased.
She concludes that she isn't
Meant for love or happiness or relationships.
That life will go on and she will be
Alone.

You ask her why she dates *******.
She shakes her head and looks down,
Saying, "I don't know."
But the truth is she knows exactly why,
But tries to hide it with a smile anyway.
Because she knows
That's not the answer you were looking for.

no one to talk to
no one to whisper deep insecurities with
and exchange small secrets under the moon,
slow kiss like fire, and
invade all personal space but love it.
no one.
no one to cradle my head while I sleep
or lace their hands with mine and refuse to let go.
no one to gently place their lips on my forehead and
as their breath caresses my face I hear them say
I love you.
But no one does that.
I am alone.
staring at the ceiling wondering what on earth
made me so unlovable,
made so naive,
so unworthy
of what I desperately need...

Trained to believe she is worthless.
Conditioned to hate the way she smiles.
And the color of her eyes,
Her hair color,
Her chest and thighs.
Told that she is cute,
But never beautiful.
"I'd bang her but I'd never date her"-
Unlovable.
Anxiety ridden, air headed, silly little girl.
How dare she think that she could be anything more?
"You complain too much"
"You worry too much"
"You're difficult and stubborn
and God I don't know why I'm even with you"
Too smart of a mouth on too small of a girl.
It only brings her trouble.
She forgives the men who taught her she was nothing,
But continues to live out the lessons they taught her.
Trained to believe she is worthless.
Conditioned to hate the way she smiles.

kiss me.
hold me so close that I forget that
I am falling apart;
crumbs of my heart litter the floor
and specks of my lungs cloud the air like dust
as I walk your way.
touch me.
embrace my fears and whisper lies-
tell me it'll be alright
even though in the morning
I know you won't be here.
see me
as I am and accept my flawed skin
and the fat on my inner thighs that I hate;
tell me I'm beautiful and maybe I'll believe you.
use me
til your needs are met,
comb your hand through my hair
and then find a reason to leave quickly-
soon i'll be lonely again.
don't worry
I'm used to this game;
the one where a boy gets what he wants
and I suffer in the silence but it's okay.
a small part of me is sadly learning to like it.

it feels like drowning.
slowly, steadily falling-
drifting towards the unknown-
an anchor tied around your foot
and you're stuck.
you move your arms to swim towards the surface
but you can't propel yourself forward;
your arms growing tired,
your lungs running out of air.
you scream but people just glare-
"she's crazy" they say,
as they watch you slip away.
you keep closing your eyes
hoping it'll just all go away,
shaking and crying, your nerves are shot.
you can't decide if you're dying in the
middle of the ocean,
or just a puddle at your feet.

Loving you
Kills
Me inside every day-
But
I don't know
How to live any other way.

I believe in love as much as I believe in hate.
I belive a person can say "I love you"
And hate you the next day.
I believe in love at first sight,
As much as I believe in the slow progress of a new relationship.
I believe that time means everything and nothing-
It all depends on who you're with.
I believe that smiles can make someone's day,
As well as make you believe they secretly hate you.
I believe that hope is a dangerous thing
But sometimes necessary to hold on to.
I believe in the possibility that I'm insane-
That my lips speak impossibilities and
My mind cradles irrational ideas.
But I believe that in a world filled with hidden meanings,
It's impossible to believe in one side and not the other.