deep breath.

too shallow
too quick
try harder

deep breath.
deep breath.

heart pounds
skin sweats
fingers shake

deep breath.
deep breath.

just breath.

it has been too long my friend
you wrapped your arms around me
in a dream

And I remembered what it was
to feel safe
took comfort in your warmth

For a moment
I knew what it felt like
to be home

There was distraction
so called "responsibilities"
"obligations" - the order of things
But still a naive confidence
that the rainbow wasn't going anywhere

****** in, swirled, flushed
I wake up
about every 5 years
Screaming STOP!

or at least slow down

The little voice gets beat, smacked
and dragged back down

So afraid there won't be a next time
this ones fading,  already far away
woke up in a frenzy this time
But already sliding back down

****** when you realize
you are your own enemy.
Well trained, domesticated consciousness
doesn't tolerate the embarrassment
of its own true colors.

You're like a wave.
Your ******* voice, in my head
coming and going,
Crashing into my silence.

My quiet moments
flooded with memories of dreams.
Enveloping me,
and your voice, the wave, rises.

Always there, conversing, debating, soothing, challenging
Reminding me that I am not alone.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE ******* ALONE.
Left wanting.

Chasing after shadows I know are not real.
Trying to convince myself they are not real.
Really, be logical - it is not real.
Leave me alone, get out of my head
You are not real.



*please be real

There was screaming, yelling,
scratchy throats, wet eyes.
I felt it build
the room felt it, I think the walls retracted.
cowered.

I knew it was coming but I still push back.

knuckles tear into hollow core doors
like nothing.

I roll my eyes at your anger, yell some more.
Hiding the terror.

20 years ago, I heard your voice in a dream.
A whisper, a glimpse.
Too real. Too real for a child to throw off as just a dream.
Too Often.

How do I find you?

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