soft touches
and deep eyes
make this heavy heart
feel so light
and I mean light

elated, electric, light

as both comfort and urgency
burrow into my bones

down
down
down
the rabbit hole

I so willingly go
as more reserved facets of my self
scream NO!

but I can't find the will to stop
fingers,  probing flesh,
mouth    exploring
places            foreign

deeper

deeper

down

I.
Intimidation.

When his voice raises
I flinch

7 doors, 3 walls, 1 car
and dozens of small appliances and knickknacks
all know the consequences of this rage

There is a small knot in my back, too
that shudders
but that was just an accident.

"You know I would never hurt you, right?"

Maybe.

Maybe my head believes you.
But still
my body
flinches

II.

Waterboarding

He's bleeding out now
sickly sweet syrup
pouring it straight down my throat
       (or trying to)
telling me to drink
and the more I struggle
and choke
the more he pours out
smothering both feathers and flight

ever apologetic for the the mess - but so sure
that if he keeps bleeding, keeps pouring
I will eventually see
how much he really loves me.

*but when drowning one only loves air

words elude me tonight
tease my fingers
with their  possibilities
     their promises

the ocean just keeps getting ****** up
behind my tongue
swelling and churning
in chaotic symphony

conflicting emotions crash & break
against weather weary bones
it was all just child's play before

the walls are coming down soon
I can feel it
and all this ink will not save me

inhale, exhale
breath.
*"may chaos be kind to me"

Take it -
Just take it easy.
(****, he makes it easy)

With flattery, fluttering
eyes sliding,
all the way up my thighs

then melting me
back down
when he calls me “baby”

just rolls right off
that wicked quick tongue,
like nothing

“baby”

ratcheting up my heart
my breath
my blood

“oh baby”

melt me down again

“baby”
like its no big thing

*but it’s everything to me.

Big skies of home
pull at strings rooted deep
in the younger parts of my heart

eyes reflect
a hundred summer days
spent in the green and gold sage
dreaming

the land here
is full of ghosts
that recognize and call out
as soon as my air
meets their air

and my phantom wings answer
raising me
up
up
up

embracing the wind
that loved me then
and always