There he goes again
with those eyes
stripping me bare
of all armor.
all masks.
all pretenses.

In this undressed state
a little uncomfortable
and a little afraid
of what might be seen
what might be found
what might be felt

*i'm burning now

I crushed a  little piece of her,
my strong little girl.
Her face blank, cheeks flushed red and eyes glossing over

she faked a smile, made a noise
and ran.

just like her mother.
and I sat with wind knocked out of me heart stopped for a moment.
a moment of mourning
for the innocence just lost.

I’m so sorry baby
I love you more than all of life. and I pray that by following my heart, *you will learn to do the same.

the crushing blows
of your words
strike,
when least expected

and despite all my armor
you still manage to find those sweet spots

I used to crumple
knowing,
if I yielded,
you would put down your blades

but there was a secret I did not tell you, the last time you took me down.
in the dark, as I licked my wounds, I realized

I would never be
what you tried to make me.
I knew
you could never break me.

you will never break me

you will never break me

you will never break me

I speak in metaphors
feel in colors,  think in painted movie screens

My tongue a sluggish traitor
to the quick flashing shades in my heart

I try to

STOP.

RESET.

START.

but that train of thought has left the station
and editors start to intervene -
before new pictures come fully into focus, the domesticated directors in my mind yell
"CUT"
and that impish tongue obeys

I paddle the air
trying to stir up the scent of what was about to be -
but it refuses to come

ever loyal hands rush to my rescue
cupping temples and eyes
catching fallen thoughts
to later let loose upon paper

with gentle breaths
you blow  life
back into dormant embers

and deft fingers
coax little flames back to life

I shift, nervous,
that this heat will devour me

*but i’ve been wandering the cold dark for so long…

my bliss
is quiet morning
gentle waking
creamy sweet coffee

my bliss
is small hands holding,
bright eyes
calling "mommy"

my bliss
is bare feet touching
fingers digging, earth reminding
of roots yet laid

my bliss
is arms spread
rain drenched hair, mouth open
seeking communion with the sky

my bliss
is soft and rough
elegant, explosion of energy building
then quiet

my bliss*
is starlight,
windblown promises
that I am all and nothing right now

THESE ARE YOUR HANDS AND THIS IS HOW YOU TELL THE FLAMES YOU'RE NOT ALL BAD.
THESE ARE YOUR THIRD DEGREE BURNS TO SAY YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH BONES MELTING IN TRUST ISSUES.
THESE ARE YOUR WRISTS, THOSE ARE YOUR KNEECAPS, THIS IS YOUR STORY.
THIS IS HOW YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE BUT STILL MANAGE TO LEAVE THE WORLD WONDERING HOW YOU COULD MATCH UP TO THUNDER'S HARMONIES,
THIS IS HOW YOU WHISPER TO MOUNTAINS AND KNOW THE PEAKS WILL HEAR YOU.
THIS IS HOW YOU TELL THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD TO SHAKE HANDS WITHOUT STARTING AN EARTHQUAKE,
THIS IS HOW YOU TELL DEPRESSION TO LIGHTEN UP,
THIS IS HOW YOU GRAB ANXIETY BY THE SHOULDERS AND SING LULLABIES TO ITS LUNGS.
THIS IS HOW YOU WALK UP TO GOD AND RIP OPEN YOUR CHEST WITHOUT INTRODUCING YOURSELF FIRST AND ASK "WHY?"
THERE'S PAPER UNDERNEATH YOUR PILLOW,
THOSE ARE THE NOTES YOU PASSED TO YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE THIRD GRADE WHEN YOU TOLD HER ABOUT YOUR FIRST CRUSH.
THERE'S A PAPER THAT'S BEEN IN YOUR BACK POCKET FOR A YEAR AND A HALF,
THE ONE NEXT TO YOUR RECEIPT FOR A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND STAIN REMOVER,
THIS IS THE NOTE SHE WROTE YOU A WEEK BEFORE HER FUNERAL.
THIS IS HOW YOU WASH YOUR JEANS WITH TWO CUPS OF 'TODAY I FORGOT TO REMEMBER TO FORGET'.
THIS IS HOW YOU COPE.
THIS IS HOW YOU LAY ON MUD STAINED CARPETING AND AND STARE AT YOUR BROKEN DOOR,
THIS IS HOW YOU CONVERT TO HARDWOOD FLOORS AND STRONGER DOOR HINGES.
THIS IS HOW YOU WIN A WAR WITH ONE BODY ON A BATTLEFIELD,
THIS IS HOW YOU SHOW A BLIND MAN THAT YOU CAN PAINT A ******* MASTERPIECE.
THIS IS HOW YOU REACH HEAVEN WITHOUT DYING, THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW HELL WITHOUT LIVING THROUGH IT.
THIS IS HOW YOU UNDERSTAND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, BY CROSSING PATHS WITH THE GUY THAT MADE YOU HATE WET PAVEMENT AND THE SMELL AFTER IT RAINS,
THIS IS HOW YOU HELD HIS HAND THE SAME WAY YOU HOLD A KNIFE, THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN FORGIVENESS.
THIS IS HOW YOU SMOKE WITH THREE LUNGS AND LOVE WITH ONE.
THIS IS HOW YOU STUFF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE IN A FORTUNE COOKIE AND LEARN PATIENCE.
THIS IS HOW YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE YOUR MOTHER. THIS IS HOW YOU SAY YOU HAVE YOUR EYES, NOT HERS BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU UNCLENCH YOUR HUSBANDS FISTS.
THIS IS HOW YOU LOSE SOMEONE THAT NEVER KNEW HOW TO BE ALONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WORRY.
THIS IS HOW YOU CONFIDE IN A HOSPITAL BED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO LET GO.
THIS IS HOW YOU LET THE NURSE WITH SHAKY HANDS TEACH YOU HOW TO TRACE THE STRAIGHT LINE ON YOUR HEART MONITOR AND BE OKAY AFTERWARDS. THIS IS HOW YOU LIVE AND ACCEPT DEATH.
THIS IS HOW YOU UNEARTH YOURSELF,
THIS IS HOW YOU STOP EXISTING,
THIS IS HOW YOU STOP FOCUSING ON LIVING AND BREATHE FOR YOURSELF.
THIS IS HOW YOU STOP THINKING AND FEEL.
THIS IS HOW YOU SPEND A LIFETIME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT 'THIS' IS.