I have to stop
looking into that mirror
I memorize lines that have never yet crossed my face
I agonize over every detail of what may come and what we may become
it creeps into your mind and it's all you can see at night
when you are wide awake
and it's gnawing away at the only thing that keeps you alive at times like this-
that feeling of adequacy that washes over your bad thoughts like an ocean will wash stones clean and smooth,
she falls in love with every man she cannot help
sometimes there are moments that are simply perfect
but he's interrupting me
he is talking over me
I can smell the alcohol on his breath over the phone he reeks so bad

You didn't just let me fall, you triumphed only by towering above me and pushing me as far beneath you as I could go.


I am here to tell you that you did not win.

YOU DID NOT WIN. YOU DID NOT BEAT ME.
I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF YOU.

Sometimes I think about how okay with being sad some people are
how they tread so lightly in their lives
to avoid unsettling the dust that might change something.

I hear you thinking
sometimes
about how we shouldn't be standing so still
but you sit so cleanly on your throne of discontent

and I've never seen to you do more than stand and fall back down

wash away the empty, push it into the water and weigh it down with stones because it doesn't exist
And will never weigh you down as much as your own routine

******* catastrophes
lifting me up and shoving me into the ground
just to show me how worthless I am
I am dirt, I am mud
I'm not the worm, but the slime that encases them

I need to find a way to fight the **** that falls into my mouth
creeping upward
seeping into my thoughts
with a disturbing promise of permanence
and a heavy heavy volume when it claws it's way back to the tip of my tongue
but only when I'm trying to respond to your stupid, misguided compliment.

With the cloudy sky reflecting in the drops of dew
we made love in the grass,
the passionate entanglement
left green in our crevasses,
and yellow flowers braided themselves fragilely into our hair
what an uncomfortable experience!

Oh, but, one Ill never forget-
you, always so clean, now covered in green, and me laughing away, red red roses stuck between my teeth as we tumble down that hill, and into the neighbor's yard.
Its full of bicycles, new and red, shiny and broken, small and old
and he says he doesn't mind if we take one for a ride, as long as we fix our clothes and get out of his yard-
Take a shower, he said, you look like you
could blend in with the trees and the buttercups-
and don't come back until you do!
Get rid of that green, and that yellow, and
the red red red stuck in your teeth,
you wouldn't want the any of the real flowers biting your toes,
impostors aren't welcome in a field of daffodils, you ought to know-

So, we took our bikes, rode to the river, and we jumped-
SPLASH!
The colorful droplets fled downstream, and joined the trout-
weren't the fishermen surprised when they pulled in a blue fish,
green fish, and yellow and red!

You and I are nothing but flesh coloured stone,
composed of emotions that should not exist,
Maybe someday we can bring ourselves to just walk by doors we know have been  
shut instead of standing outside them, howling in our misery,
pounding on the panels of wood
Maybe we can climb through the open window, our arms morphing into wings, and we can fly-
Fly away.

Don't ask me to open my mouth, just so you can look inside and find the words I wasn't going to say.

I tell you I love you because I mean it, not because I've been told to,
and not because I feel any sort of pity.

Why do you say that,
that I can tell you anything,
when all you do is put me down for the words I let escape?
Every time I start to sing a song,
you start singing something completely different.
I sing out loud and clear,
but you sing louder than me.
Your voice is huge,
and I can't hear anything else.
You see me move my lips, but you can't seem to hear a sound.

I'll never sing again to you, if you just can't hear a sound.


Try looking around with a bit of clarity, see your surroundings with a head lacking such judgment.
Look through new eyes, I'd rid my head of sight entirely and let you see with mine, but sometimes my eyesight is just as bad as yours.