I'm not the type of girl
Who flirts to get out of things
Who fawns all over you.
I'm not the girl
To get dressed up
And put on a mask of makeup.
I'm not the one
Who wears her heart on her sleeve
Or pours her emotions out for all to see.
I'm not the girly girl
Into the latest fashion
Or the new trends.
I'm not the one
To get all pretty just for you.

I'm the girl
Who plays tough.
Dirt and grime never bothered me.
I'm the one
To play with the guys
In sports and games.
I'll beat you in your favorite video game
As we eat the fattiest foods.
I'm the tomboy
Who loves to just be comfortable.
I bottle up my emotions
Hiding from them behind a wall.
My exterior is just a facade
Of strength and toughness
Held up by sheer will.

I'm not going to change.
I love me for me
But I hope that you can see
Past the mask that covers my interior.
The passion that hides behind the fence
Waiting to be found.
The romantic who needs a push,
A sign to know it's real.
A nudge in the right direction
Is all you need to give.

Showing me you care
And telling me are two different things.
I'm not the girl who reads up on relationships
Trying to decipher the meaning
Behind every word,
Every movement,
Every little thing.
Instead, I'm the one to take it at face value.
Don't play games with me
Just make it clear as day.
Are you here to stay?
Or are you here to play?

If you're here to stay
Then just let me know.
I can't stand these mixed signals
Hovering between just friends
And something more.
If you're here to play
Then I need to know.
I don't like these games
Of cat and mouse.
I can't stand the doubt
Which plagues my mind.

To me you're more than just a friend.
We've been dancing for 6 months
Between the two stages.
Each time I think I know what's going on
Something you do turns me around.
This dance is getting old
And I'm getting scared.
The more time we spend together
The more attached I grow.
But I'm afraid that I have no right to you,
Because you seem to keep changing your mind.

I'm not a girly girl
I'm not the one to open up easily.
But you're growing on me
And I feel a desire to tell you everything.
But I'm afraid that you'll leave,
Just like everyone else had.
I've been through too much
To wear my heart on my sleeve.
I've grown tough even as I hide.
My emotions squeezed and confined
Want to burst forth when you're around.
I don't know how to tell you this
Maybe I should let you read instead
All my words and poems.

It's been two years
But still the thoughts run through my mind
Never the whole thing
But bits and pieces
Here and there.

I've repressed the memory of you.
The feel of you against me.
The way you talked to me.
The sound of your voice.
The things we talked about.

I push away from the thoughts
Of what happened that night.
I can see clearly what happened in the end.
But everything from the beginning is gone.
I've pushed you out
From the darkest recesses of my mind.

I don't want to remember
How you treated me.
What you tried to force me to do.
You coaxing didn't work
So you tried being obvious.
That didn't work either.
Finally you tried by force.
By the mercy of my guardian angel
I was stronger than you and pushed you away.

Not only have I repressed
The memory of you
And all that happened that night,
I no longer remember your name.
I can't even recall the way you look.
I thank my angel every night
For watching over me
And slowly drawing you
Completely from my mind

I want to hear your voice
Chime through my ears once more.
Not just the echo
Ringing through my mind.

I don't like this feeling
Of not knowing what to say to you.
I used to be so confident
But our words unspoken
Linger between us.

I don't know how to talk to you
Maybe I should just write instead.
My words have always come out better
When they've been written down
Instead of spoken.

I don't know what you'll think
If I handed you my stack of words
All written about you.
I want to do it;
Have you read them
You said that you wanted to.

I don't think I have the courage to do so
But I have a feeling that I should.
Please tell me you'll actually read them
Please tell me you won't stop
Not until you reach the end.

Talking with each other
About the randomness of the day.
Going from topic to topic;
Conversation is easy.
Being with my friends
Everything feels right.
When you walk through the door
My heart flutters at the sight of you.
Ignoring their reactions
All I see is you.

Laughing and joking
Our tendencies to show how much we care
Slip by others who don’t understand.
Light shines through the darkest abyss
Bringing happiness and joy.
You sit beside me
Letting me hold you as we watch videos.
One wrong thing
Changes everything between us all.

Curling into a ball
Leaving the world behind.
Hurt and despair take over
Nothing else breaks through.
All you had to do was sit there
Right beside me.
Instead all you did was focus your hate;
Directing it towards him.
Tension built making every movement uncomfortable.
Why should I be uncomfortable around you?
Why should I be uncomfortable in my own room?

Tears fall down my face
As you are consumed with your hatred.
You don’t acknowledge that here I sit.
You can’t show emotion
Not while he is here.
He makes everything seem unnatural.
Why are you so focused on him?
Why can’t you lay here beside me
As we always do?

Now I’m pleading.
Please stay here with me.
Please pay attention to me!
You didn’t come over to see him!
You came for me!
I didn’t know he was going to be here.
For once, can’t you just try to be nice?
At least for my sake?
I don’t care if you like him or not
All I want is to lay beside you
With your arm as my pillow
As I run my fingers through your hair.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer think and think of the two guys I thought I loved.
I no longer wonder
About what they are doing or if they've moved on.
I no longer wonder if they think of me.
They don't occupy all the space in my mind
Consuming my thoughts throughout the day and night.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer compare the things that they did;
They're actions and they're words.
I don't wonder about how they're feeling.
Worry no longer consumes me.
I no longer think of all the time we spent together.
No longer do I compare you three.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer fear being left behind and forgotten.
You treat me with respect;
Rather than like they did.
Your actions speaking for you;
Showing me you care.
I no longer worry about giving out my heart.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
Your kisses cancel out his.
Your actions so caring and kind, unlike his.
Your words, gentle and sweet, erase what he said;
Showing me how much you truly care.
I no longer think about them, all because of you.
I no longer think of you and them being similar.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
Thanks to you
I no longer want to be alone.
Thanks to you
I'm able to pull away from the darkness.
Thanks to you
I feel cared for once more.
Thanks to you
*I'm finally happy again.

Your words like honey
Drip slowly from your mouth;
Sweet and delicious.

Your hand touching mine
Holding me like a flower;
Gentle and delicate.

Your actions like words
Telling me who you really are;
Caring and kind.

Your breath like wind
Blowing around me;
Swirling and cool.

Your touch like chocolate
Drawing me in;
Addicting and intoxicating.

Your smile like a rainbow
Spreading across your face;
Wide and reassuring.

Your embrace like a blanket
Encompassing the loneliness;
Comforting and safe.

These are the things I fall for
Over and over again
As you lay here beside me.

As I sit here waiting for you
Thoughts run through my head.
What will you say?
What words will come out of my mouth?
What if you don't say what I want to here?
Will I have the courage to leave?
Will I be able to move on?
But what if you say what I've been wanting to hear?
What then?

The nerves are stopping my heart
Anxiety is creeping in.
I don't know what to say to you
I don't know what to do!
This conversation is a must
I can't go on
Not knowing what will become of us.
Are we even an us?
Will there ever be an us?
This flirting and talking
Is bringing out my insecurities.
Its bringing out all my doubts,
My issues with trust.

Please tell me all is okay
Please tell me what I need to hear,
Don't let me hang
Or sit around waiting,
Just waiting.
I can't go on
If we don't figure this out.

As I sit here waiting
Doubts and anxiety creep in
My insecurities are showing.

The world seems a much better place
With you here

It's been 3 years since we last spoke.
It's been 2 years since you said you didn't want to be friends.
It's been 2 years since you started ignoring me.

It's been 6 years since you said we'd always have each other.
It's been 5 years since you said we would be friends forever.
It's been 5 years since you said nothing could tear us apart.

It's been 2 years since I last saw you,
Since we last spoke.
It's been 2 years...

Am I still allowed to cry?
You were my bestest friend in the whole world!
We planned that our children would be just as close as we were.
We said we'd be the two old women in the nursing home who would be cackling like crazy.
We said that nothing would come between us.

It's been 2 years...
Am I still allowed to miss you?
You were my shoulder to cry on.
You were my reasonable side.
You were the one to make sure I studied just as much as I played sports.

It's been 2 years since we've said a single word.
Am I still allowed to miss you?
You were my bestest friend.
Am I still allowed to be in pain?
You made a promise!
Am I still allowed to cry?
You said "I will never ditch you or forget about you".
Am I still allowed to wish?
You said "distance is making our friendship stronger".

You were my best friend,
And it's been 2 years now.
What went wrong?
How did it come to this?
I don't understand!

To my Daddy on Father's Day

When I was young and small,
I was your *little girl.
As I grew and grew,
I stayed your little girl.
Now, 18 years later,
I'm still your little girl.
When I am twenty,
Thirty,
Forty,
Fifty,
I will still be your little girl.
No matter where I go,
Or how old I grow,
I will still be,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

You were my cheerlearder,
Calling and whistling from the stands,
Since I was smaller and tinier
Than all those who played.
You were my coach,
Helping me and teaching me
Giving me confidence
Showing me what it meant to be an athlete.
I took what you taught me
And applied it to my life
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

You were my personal chef,
Teaching me to love the finer foods
And that cooking is an art.
Healthy and not
Food was to be treated specially
Cooked and baked just right.
Nothing has ever compared to what you have made.
Spoiled and exposed to the best
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl

You were my supporter,
When I was upset and had nowhere to turn.
You taught me to be tough
And to be strong.
You said I could do anything,
Be anything I wanted,
That being a girl made no difference.
You taught me to love myself,
To take care of myself
To defend and stand up for myself,
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

When I was small and tiny,
I was your little girl.
As I grew,
I remained you little girl.
Today
I am you little girl.
Tomorrow and the day after
I will be your little girl.

No matter where I go,
No matter how old I grow,
No matter where you are,
No matter how old you are,
I will
Forever and always*
Be your *little girl.

Happy Daddy's Day
I love you <3

There's a point you pass,
It's when  you know that no matter how hard you try,
You're not going to sleep.
No matter how much you want to,
You've passed that point,
That point of no return.

You're no longer tired or exhausted,
You're just hyper.
Then the hyperness turns into boredom and restlessness.

As the hours drag on and on
And you stay up later and later,
You hit the emotional breakdown.

You hit the point where everything
Goes from hilariously funny
To tragically sad.

The final point comes
When  you everything that comes out of your mouth,
Is unfiltered!
Raw emotion,
Words tumbling over each other,
Not making sense.

And then all of a sudden,
You don't know how it happens,
But out of nowhere,
You're lying down somewhere,
Waking up from 5 hours of sleep.

Never again,
Never ever again,
Will I ever type my work up!

I'll save myself from computer err
By handwriting my poems.
Then and only then
Will I put them to the computer!

The self hatred,
The hate for technology,
Increases as my rage boils over.

Realizing that all the words,
All my emotions and feelings,
So thoughtfully phrased and typed,
Are lost,
Is a feeling like no other.

Rewriting the words,
Trying to remember exact phrases,
Is just painful!

Never again,
Never ever again,
Will I ever type my work up!

You make me happy,
You make me smile,
You make me glow,
For more than just a while!

Continuation of Life is Just a Metaphor and The Lone Wolf*

The wolf howls,
A piercing sound
And yet there is a note,
A note of happiness;
The wolf is rejoicing
For he is no longer in despair.
After moons upon moons,
The lone wolf
Found a pack mate.
Another wolf
Just as lost and alone,
Another searching,
Searching for a pack,
For acceptance.

Finding another
To join the foreign pack,
Helped to ease the tension
Built up in the pack,
The pack the lone wolf
Intruded, forced himself into.
The unwilling acceptance,
From the pack,
Of the lone wolf,
Gradually becomes
A shakey understanding,
Developing into trust.

With the help of his new friend,
The not-so-lone-wolf
Is finally allowed
To be part of the pack.
Every day he thinks of his old pack.
Remembering those gone,
But rejoicing at his new family.
No longer alone,
The wolf howls
His angelic sound
Along with his pack
As a hunt begins.

I know that we are just friends
But when you walk into the room,
A smile creeps across my face.
It comes from nowhere
And it won't leave;
Not until you're gone.

When you sit down next to me,
My heart starts to pound;
How can you not hear it?

Our talks end up blocking others out;
We enter a world, a world all our own.
We talk about everything and nothing
All at the same time.

But most of all
What I must confess
Is this:

Every time we touch;
An accident,
A tap on the shoulder,
A brush on the leg,
A brush of the arm,
Or the hand,
A squeeze of the hand,
Or a tap on the leg,
To say hello
Or even goodbye,
My heart beats as fast as a train;
My hands become all clammy;
Words take a while to form;
Butterflies fill my stomach,
Churning my innards.
How, I wonder,
How can you not see?
Isn't it written across my face?!

I know we're just friends,
But I wish we were so much more.

Sleep, sleep, sleep
Too much, not enough;
Not reaching a balance,
What is wrong?
Where has the time gone?
Lack of focus,
Lack of I don't know what.
Nothing is definite,
Nothing is permanent,
Nothing makes sense.

Help, help, help
I don't know what's wrong,
My eyes are closing.
All I want is to crawl into bed
And curl up into a ball,
Leaving this world behind
To find that place in my mind,
That place where all is locked inside
For none to find.

****, ****, ****
Nothing's been done.
These demons are attacking,
Fighting for control.
Who are you?
Who am I?
I've changed too much
To recognize who I am.
There's work to do
Papers piling up.

Pain, pain, pain
My mind is cracking,
Emotions are flowing
At unexpected moments
I don't know what's happening.
Thoughts are leaving before fully forming,
Leaving much confusion.
Not knowing is making me sick,
Unmotivated to do anything
Except lie here staring at a wall.

"What am I doing here?"
That question runs through my brain;
Jumping, dancing, swirling.
Minute after minute,
Hour after hour,
Day after day,
All I hear
Is this one simple question,
"What am I doing here?"

Am I here for the education?
Am I here for the academics?
Am I here for my license?
Or am I here just because?

I think I'd be happier
In some far off land.
But here I am instead.

I think I'd be happier
In some other school.
But here I am instead.

I think I'd be happier
In much warmer climate.
But here I am instead.

Every waking moment,
My first thought is always,
"What am I doing here?"
This usually leads to,
"Why am I in America?"

Minute after minute,
Hour after hour,
Day after day;
It's always the same question,
"What am I doing here?"

Wake up
Wake up
Its time to go
You’ve said good-bye
Now let’s go.

Eight years of my life
Flashed before my eyes
(But really it was only four)
It was time to leave.

Two weeks spent travelling
A seemingly endless time
Upon return
There’s nowhere to go
No place to call home.

Let’s go
Let’s go
It’s time to leave,
You’ve packed your bags
Now let’s go.

A few weeks for exploration
Then it’s time to meet new people
School starts
And the months go by
I want to be home.

A year is up
So much has happened
I’ve made new friends
And it sort of feels like home
Without the memories.

Goodbye
Goodbye
You’ve made new friends
Now it’s time they leave
Now they go.

A new year has started
More friends to make
New countries to explore
Time flies by
Where is home?

The year is ended
Flights are booked
Home is in sight…
But at journeys end
It feels like a different world.

Hurry up
Hurry up
It’s time to make your second goodbyes
The tickets are ready
Now it’s time to go.

Without a thought
A new year starts
Old friend’s new friends
All together
Not tearing apart.

Another year passes
Where has the time gone?
It’s halfway through the year
Another goodbye
The end of the year; add three more.

Wait!
Wait!
It’s time for me to go
I’m not ready to say goodbye
Now it’s time to go.

The months drag on
As I make new friends
(There are no old)
The year is almost up
I’m longing for a home.

Summer is gone and school has started
New cities to adventure to
Sports in different countries.
Friends have changed
And some stayed the same.

Farewell for now
Farewell for now
It’s time to leave
But I’ll see you all
At summers end.

Friends and drama
Fights are breaking out
All I want
Is to disappear
And go home.

School ends without a change
(Fights and drama surround us all)
A new year starts
Things finally work out
But it’s not the same.

Come on
Come on
It’s time to leave
It’s our last trip
Now let’s go.

Our final year
Things are weird
The truth is pushed aside
Where no one can see it
The year goes on.

Graduation
Nobody wants to be the first
To say the unwanted words
That will bring an end
To the past four years.

Goodbye
Goodbye
It’s time to go our separate ways.
I’ll go here you’ll go there
Now it’s time to go.

9 years have flown by
Now I’ve left and I don’t know who I am
I’m meeting new people
And trying to find my way
Away from everything I knew.

All I know is
I’m American; but not really
I’m Malaysian; but not really
I’m a part of a different culture
Mixed between the two.

Here I am
Here I am
It’s time to embrace the new
I’m here now
Now it’s time to explore the new.

Speak up
And speak out.
Say what you mean
And mean what you say.
Don't be afraid
To let your voice ring out.
Be clear
For all to hear.
And never doubt
That what you have to say is
ALWAYS
Worth expressing

Sick, that’s all I feel.
Sore throat,
Tired,
Joints not functioning.
Eyes glazed over
And slowly shutting.
Cold,
Cold is the only other feeling
That passes through my body.
Sore joints,
Sore throat
I can’t swallow
Or talk.
It hurts too much.
So tired.
Exhaustion running its course.
Weakened muscles;
Pain striking through them.
Back,
My back is in pain.
It needs to be stretched or cracked,
But nothing is helping.
Stiff,
My whole body is stiff and aching.
My nose is stuffed up
But it’s really my sinuses.
Sore,
Stiff,
Tired,
Exhausted,
Pain,
All running through my body.
Sick, that’s all I feel.

When we're together
The world is right.
There's nobody to judge me;
Just my best friend
To laugh by my side.
But here and now
We're in new places;
Places we've never been
Places we never knew existed.
But the biggest change so far
Is that we've been separated,
It might not be that far
But its far enough.
Here and now
I don't have anyone to talk to
No one that can help me
To sort through this jungle of emotions;
No one who I can call a friend.
I miss the people I knew
I miss them even when they don't miss me.
Too bad we can't all be together.
Too bad we were separated from each other.
Why can't you be here with me
When I need you the most,
As I sit here lost and alone,
With no one to hold?

When we first met
We couldn’t stand to be around one another.

When we first met
Your boyfriend and I were best friends.
Making it hard to be around you both.

Finally we started talking
Realizing how much we had in common
And we became inseparable.

As the years flew by
Our friendship solidified.
But then the day came when you had to leave.
I was the last to find out
But only because it was impossible to say good-bye.

That first year we talked and talked and talked
Bust as the days passed,
The conversations died.

It’s been four years since you left,
But unlike then,
We never talk.

I tried to arrange a day to talk
But again and again
You blew me off.
Now here I am
1000 miles away
And you still won’t say
A single word.

I thought we were best friends…

It's been a year since you left,
Six months since you last visited,
(But I didn't see you then).
When you left,
I thought I'd never see you again.
But when you came to visit
I thought that that would be my last chance
But you barely even left the house.

When I heard you were finally coming back
I figured that you'd be lazy
And not want to leave you house.
But your brother dragged you out
And I finally saw you.

As I turned down the road
And saw you for the first time
All I could think was
"Oh God!  Not again!"
An infinite amount of emotions
Slammed into my heart
All at once

It was all I could do
Not to throw myself into your arms
And cry tears of joy.
We fell into our comfortable insults and jokes
Just as soon as we saw each other.
It felt like you had never left;
Like it was any other weekend.

The next few days we just hung out
Talking, joking, insulting one another.
It seemed like we were thrown into the past
When nothing had pulled us apart
Before either of us made the mistake
Of telling the truth.
Watching movies
And giving commentaries
While eating pizza and soda
As we lay of the bed.

I wish we could rewind time
Just so we can relive those amazing moments.
But looking back on the past few days
And all those years we were together
I realized
I really do love you.
Never before
(Or after)
Have I ever been so close to someone
(ANYONE!)
Never have I told somebody so many secrets
Never has someone known me so well
Never has someone been able to say
"Oh she would say this"
Or "Don't say that, it'll make her mad"
Never have I been able to be myself and not feel uncomfortable
Never except when I'm with you.

I wish we still lived in the same country.
I wish there weren't oceans separating us.
I wish that I had the courage to give you these poems.
I wish you were here to help me through this move.
I wish I was in Sweden with you
(Or you were here in America with me)
I wish
I wish
I wish.
Only wishes are left.

I wish I could tell you I love you
I wish you knew how much!
I wish you knew I never loved someone as much as I love you.
I wish I had the courage
The courage to send you all the poems
I've ever written about you
Because there are so many
With so many words
That you'll never hear.

I wish
I wish
I wish