I'm scared of my ownself

I remember the day I met you with such clarity. You remembered me, I didn't recall meeting you before. But you caught my eye, and there was something about you that made my heart skip a beat. Weeks turned into months, with little to no communication. But I couldn't get you out of my head or my heart. So I prayed. Prayed I would cross your mind. And I will never forget that Sunday night at three in the morning. You reached out to me out of nowhere, and we stayed up talking till four-thirty.

As the leaves began to change so did our friendship. Facebook messages turned into text messages, visiting you at work, studying at coffee shops, and late night conversations became a regular thing. And just like the leaves fall for winter, so I fell for you. But that was my mistake. Because, like the fool I am, I believed you would catch me. And you didn't. You invited me to take the risk, or as some would say: "you lead me on." And I fell hard. Hitting rock bottom and breaking into a million tiny pieces. You watched me fall-oblivious to the power you had over me.

Its one thing, to experience heartbreak from someone that was yours. Its another thing, though, to lose someone you never had. You was never mine to lose. The hardest I ever did, was forcing myself to walk away from you. Everyone told me I deserved better. It took four months to believe them.

Now, I'm sitting at the coffee shop we used to go to, alone, watching the sleet hit the ground on this cold december day. I deleted our messages, and we are no longer Facebook friends- and I hope you know that was not easy for me. Because I miss you and our laughs and 3AM conversations. But I also know that this is what I need to move forward, to heal. I'm not saying goodbye forever but for now. And I pray that someday we can be friends again.

This is not how I planned the story of us ending. But someone recently told me the best way to make God laugh is by having a plan. No more planning. No more trying to understand why things happened the way they did. Because I'm not meant to understand-I'm meant to trust that God will turn my disintegrated ashes into something beautiful and radiant. And he will. Someday, I will find someone who treats me the way I deserve.
Someday, things will be beautiful again.
Someday, my story won't end in tragedy.