Sleepwalking people
No where to go
Weary eyes closed
Relying on some hope
Yet very aware
Of the harsh reality in which they live
Sleepwalking people
On the sidewalks adrift
Looking so lost
But sure all the same
Sleepwalking people
With no memories, no names

Love these cotton candy skies
Sweet like everything's alright
Fairground fields stretching for miles
Sugar sweet tears beneath my eyes

I think about the things
That are said to me
In quiet moments
Confided in with the belief
That it's just a simple fact
That it doesn't matter at all
I think about these things
For days and days beyond
Maybe I have
Nothing better to do
Maybe this knowledge
Connects me to you
Exchanges with strangers
Meaningless and brief
Stay on my mind
They never leave

Maybe I'm just antisocial
Or too withdrawn
But being with family
Feels so wrong
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years Eve
All these events
These dreadful things
I love them all
I most confess
They're my family
More or less
But when I'm
Surrounded by them
I feel like
An alien

I don't wanna
Feel my face
I can't stand
To feel the pain
The things that haunt me everyday
The things that refuse
To go away
The things embeded
In this rotting brain
Drowning in substance
Escaping down the drain
Into a void
Of thoughtlessness
I never "thought"
It'd end like this

Knew there was nothing
Just wanted to believe
Wanted to hang on
It all felt so sweet
I'm sick to my stomach
Down on my knees
I knew there was nothing
I Just wanted to believe
All the things you said
So sweetly to me
I held them to no value
But still I see
The truth in the end
Is still what it seemed
I knew there was nothing
Just wanted to believe

I met a man
On the 9 o'clock train
He didn't ask my age
He didn't ask my name
I met a man
With a scar over his eye
An empty bottle of ***
And a dog across his thigh
His voice came out in a whisper
So subtle and innocently fine
With a small gesture of his hand
"Could you spare a dime?"
I reached into my purse
Knowing I had much to spare
An un cashed paycheck hidden stealthily in there
I gave him some change
And we sat in silence once more
The train lurched to a stop
And opened it's doors
The man and his dog left
I never saw him again
But such an impression he made
Over a measly 10 cents

Missing those days
Back when seasons never changed
Every week was the same
In it's pattern I felt safe
Downward spiral
Sadness is viral
Unbound my skin from a leather back bible
Brushing shoulders with strangers
Embracing uncertain danger
Empty lighters and wire coat hangers
In love with the knowledge that this moment could be the end
There's so many people, yet none to call "friend"
Alone in this world
Yet everything's mine
Caught up in the storm
Unable to fly

I don’t think I’m a bad person
I just let it get to the point
Where I’m only really hurting,
Feeling so frustrated and annoyed
Because I think and think
About what I am and what I do
Sometimes I think I’m at the brink
Of crazy not confused
I must somehow escape my mind
And run as fast as I can
I wish I’d just go blind
So I won’t fear the things at hand
I don’t think I’m bad at all
I just get hung up on my thoughts
I need to get outside my head
And be grateful for what I’ve got

Nothing I do ever seems to make sense
I'm just a fool with selfish intent
The things I like do nothing for me
Except get me so high I forget what it means
To keep someone's promise or show up on time
It's all I can think of, only thing on my mind
You'd think I'm a fiend when I'm all out of tree
Suddenly everything makes sense to me
The concept of family, having goals in life
They say it's what happens
Your motivation dies
It's inevitable, what your brain does
When instead of reading books you grow up doing drugs
"Your mom's a teacher you can't be that way"
"If you only knew" I just want to say
"Your dad's been there, can't you talk to him?"
It's hard to be an advocate
For someone who doesn't want to help themselves
Someone you thought you knew so well
Someone who was funny, and brave, and smart
From the rest they seemed so far apart
I've become the person I thought I'd never be
Nothing I do makes sense to me

Little round tops
On little glass jars
Little shiny needles
Sewing up the scars
Little white lies
Little black marks
Everything's small
But it still hits hard

Being nice in this world
It doesn’t get you so far
It’s okay to be cold
Let the stickers on your heart
Encapsulate your muscles
Constrict your veins
If you never let it out
It’s only yours to contain
The agony inside
Crying out to feel
The laughter that hides
Saying it all isn’t real
I take black stickers
I cover myself
It’s easy to be bitter
There’s no one to tell

If love is something
That cannot be changed
If it can’t be misplaced
Or taken away

If love is sure
Like a tree in the ground
And old brick buildings
Unoccupied now

If love is something that can’t be seen
Existing in places far in between
Love can be a thought
Or the seasons change
Only gone when forgotten
Love has no face
It’s beauty is unexpected
And strange in a way
Going undetected
In its hidden place

Gazing into shimmering pools
And the glittering light reflected
I dream of the love I’ll find
In things often neglected

I can't draw
And I can't sing
I can't do a lot of things
I have to take breaks
When I run
Because I pollute
My sorry lungs
I cannot put words
To my feelings sometimes
So I talk in choppy sentences
And send you late night rhymes
I can't get that one strand of hair
To lie flat on my head
And sometimes I forget I'm alive
Convinced that I'm dead
I'm really not good
At getting out of bed
I can't do a lot of things
Other people can

I don't care what anyone says
Even if the words get locked in my head
Without you I'd rather be dead
Even if you're what I'm fighting against
Don't give a **** we're like partners in crime
Least we have the ***** to own up to our lies
Around at night it's like ride or die
**** being a coward behind petty disguise
You're the only one that knows what's real
Only you know how I feel
If someone ***** with you I'll ****
Even through the ******* still
Middle fingers up I'm gone
Getting faded to our song
Like nothing was ever wrong
Things were fine all along
Everyone hates our generation
But right now I'm a sensation
Cause we're our own number one fans
And ******* if you don't understand
Youth is simply in the mind
So when you start to ***** and whine
Remember all the good old times
Young, free, dope, wild
Being obnoxious just because
In the moment we're so ****** up
Forget tomorrow it's worlds away
**** tomorrow let's live for today

If time had wings
Would it fly away
And leave me frozen
Stuck on this day
This wretched moment
This dreaded hour
If time could fly
It'd never be ours
Maybe it feels pressure
To slow or fast forward
Maybe time is lonely
In the hand of the Lord
Maybe time wishes
It could please us all
If time had wings
I bet it'd fly away
And I wouldn't hold it to fault

I want to be “honest”
But if I say
“I want to hurt myself”
They’ll lock me away
And leave me with the thoughts
That hurt the most
In my eyes it’s worse
Than voices or seeing ghosts
It’s a trap
They love to play
The “open up to me”
So I can lock you up game

Here's a few pieces of me
I carved them out myself
Add them to you
With a bit of glue
Or put them up on a shelf
No matter what you do with them
I truly hope they help
They're not much
They're barely enough
Bruised and beaten
Stained in blood

Lifeless bodies
Pale skin
Dragging forward
Headless and limp
Blood pouring
From their open wounds
More and more
Fill the room
Completely cornered
Anticipating my demise
Too frightened
To close my eyes
Suddenly
As they close in
Their wounds begin
To split open
Flesh falling
Away from bone
They disappear
And I'm alone

Watching the orange sun as I drive
When we were young and unafraid to die
We didn’t want to figure out why
Just having fun and passing the time
Everyone asks us where it all went
Children are pure yet still long to repent
We hadn’t even done anything yet
Finding our voices and making friends
What’s too much and what’s enough?
If all we really need is love
Why do I keep searching for what isn’t there
It’s such a weak emotion, feeling scared

I was once told

Everything starts with a thought

It was me that let go

But now that it’s done

It suddenly hurts

The emotionless divide

I’m not like her

But God knows I tried

I know you deserve

So much better than me

You say I don’t mean it

But it’s plain to see

I am dramatic

And I tell lies

What’s worse than having

A daughter despite

Everything right that you tried to do

Just turn into a monster and betray you

I don’t care what you think of me

If it’s good, if it’s bad

I can’t separate the feelings

Each one carries an expectation it seems

I had no dreams

Just who you wanted me to be

Breathing
Moving
Looking around
Doing all these things
Focus drowning out the sound
To identify one sense
Is to ignore the rest
I'm so overwhelmed
Done trying my best
Can't think straight
A world beyond my chair
A thousand miles of smiling eyes
Mocking me there
They're lined up in a row
Stepping aside as I walk
Eyes unmoving
They gasp and gawk
And I want to hunch over
I want to cry and scream
But I keep going
Because I guess it seems
It's not normal
To simply break down
To suddenly cave
And throw yourself on the ground
To bang your fists
Against your head
To tell a bystander
That you wish you were dead
All these things
In my dizzy mind
Screaming at me
All the time

Lost children walking in a single file line
Nervous hearts beating so perfectly in time
To unconscious footsteps, thumping gently on the ground
Sleepwalking aimlessly with no one around
No one to guide them
No one to say
"Child are you lost ? Come along this way"
Lost children walking in a single file line
No one to wipe their tears, to stifle their cries

So easy for you to forget me
When I'm choking on smoke
Till I can't breathe
Wishing they'll just go
All these worthless memories
Rotting in my teeth
Like decaying dead bodies
Just sweep me underneath your rug
Stand me up straight, bandage me up
What you said and what you did
The opposite of love
How can I live
Poison burning in my throat
Just to forget the letters we wrote
Just **** me up
Shatter my hope
I'm paying for your sins
Closing the curtains after your shows
I'm begging for death
You're sitting at home
Drowning in hurt
No one knows

Sweet, calm, fear
Stinging in my wounds
I'm safe here
In these well lit rooms
Surrounded by people
Who care that I'm alive
Everyone's my equal
Just trying to survive
Morning routine
Laughter so sweet
Peace and harmony
Enveloped in winter's dream
I couldn't feel my heart
Glowing underneath my skin
Beating rays of light
Illuminating my ribs

I swore I heard my name
Called quietly behind
But turning to see empty space
I began to realize
Maybe it was
The quiet itself
Knowing how lonely
It is in this hell
Maybe just maybe
It called out my name
To let me know
That it feels the same

It won't always be like this
These are the days I swear I'll miss

Everything I touch
Turns into worthless dust
Everything I create
Just wants to hide away
So hideously disfigured
So disgustingly afraid
Everything I create
Is a mirror of my face
Cracked down to my soul
I'm six feet in this hole
Underneath all my mistakes
And the ****** things I create

Oh God what have I done
What happened to everyone?
In the fog of my own brain
They simply slipped away
It's gotta be my fault
Was it something I said?
I miss them all so much
I miss all my old friends
I swear I'll buy this time
Let's all hang out again
I swear I'll even drive
Don't leave me high and dry
God I miss my friends
Can't stop wondering why

I think it takes a few of my bones
To keep them all together
Maybe they're just hanging on their own
Maybe it's a joint effort
It feels like they're crumbling beneath my skin
When I'm feeling under the weather
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why is it so easy to forget her?

I thought of this off the top of my head
The wind really ***** when the light's almost dead
I turn my back or try cupping my hand
If that doesn't work, find a new place to stand
Sometimes the trees start to freak me out
Looking so alive like they'd scream and shout
If they had a voice I wonder what they'd say
"My arms are asleep and the suns in my face" ?
They must see a lot being stuck in one place
Giving us life as we take it away
I'm so greedy but it's not the same
I often see things I'd like to take
Before I reach out I feel so ashamed
There isn't much value attached to my name
I'd rather wait, there's less risk involved
Every time I take a chance I end up losing it all

My words mean nothing

They come from nowhere

So if I am talking

Just pretend I’m not there

The things that I say

They don’t make sense

They come from a place

That’s confused and distressed

All I want to do

Is say the right thing

My thoughts are strange

They don’t belong to me

It’s easier with you

To just erase my mind

After all this time

I’ve kind of been trained

To put on a mask

Smile

And lie through the pain

I had this dream
And you were there
And I was dying
But you weren't scared
I had this dream
That I was almost dead
But you weren't sad
You wanted me to rest
And I felt the warmth
Of your hand on my head
It was so hot it was cool
And I couldn't comprehend
But once I passed on
I truly realized
It was the energy of that touch
That kept me alive
I had this dream
That we both died
And in our graves
We both decided
To throw a party
With the worms
And ants arrived
In tiny swarms
I had this dream
That we were alive
And I was walking down a hall
Wishing to die
But my heart picked up
As I walked through the double doors
Because my eyes were fixated
On on that warmth
And the back of her head
Came into sight
Long dark curls
I almost sighed
In some sort of relief
I took a seat
It was lunch time
And I was beat
I had this dream
That I wasn't weird
And I didn't live in fantasies
And I wasn't held together by tears
And I wasn't weaving webs
Around my arms and legs
Then getting agitated and upset
When I couldn't move
*******
I had a dream
That there were eyes on your hands
And they were showing me
Some foreign land
Speaking in
Some foreign tongue
I now know to be
The language of love
I turned and grabbed
A safety pin
I opened it
And jabbed it in
The eye deflated
And began to bleed
And yet you still
Stayed close to me
I had this dream
Yet I knew I was dreaming
I still believe
Claiming to be done believing
Dreaming
Dizzy
Twitching
Life
Spinning around
Leaving me behind
Spiders crawling
Over my skin
Into my nostrils
Breathing them in
They're making their webs
Inside my lungs
They're laying eggs in my heart
Then I woke up

I'm so lonely
I want to cry
Tired of living
But scared to die
Everyone's got someone
So do I
But it feels so distant
Just teeth for miles
In the waving, dying grass
There'll only be nails
In the coffin at last
I'm so lonely
And sometimes I cry
Everything feels so distant
Teeth in the grass for miles

If the night was a story
It would be long and dark
Moon lights the path for me
Seeping into lonely hearts
Slowly floating fireflies
Out lining loves wicked disguise
Crickets calling left and right
Amongst the grass, dewy and light
Pushing my palms into the wet ground
I'm lonely but there's no one around
Even amongst the abundant sounds
And the moonlight's passion so bright and profound

Rabbits jumping
From line to line
Infinitely looping
As if in time
To the steady heartbeat
To which the world exists
Everything
Comes back to this

You'll go off
To do great things
You'll meet great people
And forget about me
But the memory of you
Will stay forever
You've cut open my heart
And forcibly entered
I didn't want
To let you in
But here you are
My special friend
You're going places
So very far
You've torn apart
My tethered heart
With your wide smile
And your twitching brows
As you're speaking to me
Without any sound
The way your hands move
So swiftly and smooth
I love your language
I'm in love with you