You steal my breath the same way you try to steal my soul
And while the nights are empty, your hands are far from cold
I've been waiting for a long time to look into your eyes
But I was wrong about the oceans you had trapped inside

Some girls talk about buzzing bees and raging hormones
But all I think about is the way you became infatuated with my words
I'd be a liar if I said yours didn't create an inviting discomfort
I'd be a liar if I claimed that I do not feel the safety you provide

There's been an unending storm at the bottom of my glass
And you had a knack for turning a hurricane into a drizzling pipe
I'm not the type of girl to fall for sweaters and scented candles
But I'd be a liar if I said you were a feat I could handle

The thought of making you smile fills me with a nagging dread
It's not a terrible thing but too mich has already been said
And I know that time exists in seconds and for once it's too soon
But I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't falling in love with you

It spreads,
From your throat to your chest
Down your arms to your finger tips
Into your lungs, over your diaphragm

You're drowning
You can't breathe
And the only thing your body does
Is have tears stream down your face
You can't breathe

You're in the ocean
And you're drowning
There is no life raft
There is no hand to hold
No one is pulling you to shore

You're not safe
You're not whole
You're not fixed

It spreads,
From your chest to your stomach
Down your legs to your toes
Over your spine, under your knees

The walls fall away
The floor is not holding you
Your breath gets caught
You can't breathe
You can't breathe

I am not safe
I am not whole
I am not fixed

But I'll try to live

She was the Invisible Girl
Unseen by the world
and no matter what she did
no one ever noticed

She was the Invisible Girl
Unnoticed by those she loved
and despite what she's achieved
they never see her breathe

She was the Invisible Girl
Insignificant to her brothers and sisters
overlooked by her parents
she didn't have anywhere to turn

She was the Invisible Girl
I say was because
she's no longer invisible

You know what they say,
"You only hear her screams
Once she's dead."

I remember the sunshine in your eyes and the pale moonlight on your skin and the only thought in my head would be, "Am I dreaming? Is he really here?."

It's been four months since I last saw you. Four months since I've heard your voice. Four months since I last touched you. Four months since my heart broke apart.

I remember first seeing you, under the shelter of our school. You sat right in from of me and asked for my name and introduced yourself to me.

I remember being alone with you, blanketed by the stars, and our own bubble of comfort. You would ask me every time we met, "When can I see you again?"

But I couldn't live in the shadows and in the world we created for ourselves. I couldn't look at you and not be irrevocably in love. I couldn't be with you one day and be without you for months on end only to come up for air when your arm is around my waist.

For six years there was love and for six years there were secrets. For six years you fooled yourself and for six years, you made a fool of me.

We were kids hoping for happy endings that never came with an expiry date. God forbid we still hope for it now. But knowing you was my blessing, and having my love was yours.

You said to me that there were things we just couldn't change, that there was no point in pursuing what we wanted. You said to me that our hope was a fool's errand and that our denial was a temporary bliss.

I said to you that I couldn't decide if I wanted to punch you in the face or kiss you. I said to you that we could still be friends. But how do you befriend a rose with thorns for petals and how do you befriend the person who had your love most.

You were the saviour of my soul and the thorn in my heart. My only regret is I never kissed you and your only regret is that you didn't fight for us.

I still wear that ring you gave me in a warm September afternoon. Once I take it off, it'll be over. Irreversibly over.

It was in the way
you made me feel special
Then ran away

It was in the way
you told me my eyes sparkled
While they were dead

It was in the way
you tried to stand by me
But gave up halfway

It was in the way
I was a failure at making you happy
That made you leave me

It was in the way
you never truly left me
But you never actually stayed

It was in the way
I asked you if you loved me
With tears in my eyes

It was in the way
you pretended I had not asked you
A single questioned and walked away

It was in that way
That I understood
That no one could love somebody like me

I wouldn't dare to let you look into my eyes
For the secrets I hide and the lies I trust
Are fragile in my current state of mind

I wouldn't dare to let you sneak a peak at my soul
For it is broken and no longer whole
As I scramble to preserve all that is left of me

I wouldn't dare to let you have a hold on me
For I could never truly stay
The moment you get too close I back away and start to leave

I wouldn't dare to let you know how I truly feel
For my emotions would be my undoing
And my carefully woven threads are already loose

I wouldn't dare to let you step so close to me
For I wouldn't be able to stop myself
From keeping you close to me and never letting go

I wouldn't dare to let you into my heart
For I know that if I even begin to, I wouldn't stop
and I would let myself love you
So completely
So deeply
*For all time

It feels like I've been wandering
No true destination, taken where my feet bring me
Sometimes I feel soft grass
Other times, its glass

The echoes of conversation
play and replay and rewind
I can't make out what they're saying
but maybe if i just keep moving... keep moving

There's this feeling in my hollow chest
I can't tell if it's a sob or laughter
What does it even mean to feel
Does any of it even matter?

Every colour I see is alive,
every picture is another story - is that alive?
I keep wandering, maybe if I keep walking
How do I live this life...

It's always raining
I don't know where I'm going
I can hear myself breathing
I'll just keep moving... keep moving

It feels like I'm running out of words
Outside the clouds, it's very jarring
Should I rest for awhile...
no, I'll keep moving

What does it mean to be lost?
Will I ever find it again?
My hands are shaking
I'm going to keep moving

It wasn't within the days that I lost you
It wasn't in the breaks where I was without you

It was when you were holding my hand
It was when I was close to you
but I was so far away
I was so so far away

It wasn't when I yelled at you
It wasn't the moment tears streamed because of you

It was when I looked into your eyes and they were empty
It was when you told me you loved me
but I saw the crinkle in your left eye
it was telling
it was so so telling

lay down my heart for the night
lay down my soul
lay me down in the ocean
lat me sink into the cold

Hush baby,
Don't shed a tear,
never worry,
I'll always be here

Hush sweetie,
Don't you cry,
I'm right here,
Always nearby

Hush my darling,
Show me a smile,
the sweetest of dreams you will have
it'll all be worthwhile

Hush baby,
mommy is here
I'll be by your side
even if it's not near

Hush sweetheart,
I won't leave you alone
know that one day
you'll have your own throne

Hush love,
don't let your dreams go
for you never know
how they could grow

Hush my child,
go to sleep
dream sweet dreams
laugh, giggle, smile
happy you will be

I love you.

♡

I was once asked to write a story about the intricacies of my world and my first response was to say that it's a type of cognitive dissonance. It is a crashing of two worlds - fantasy and reality - within the cacophony inside of me. It was looking right and seeing what was left; lifting my eyes to the sky to have it pour it sorrows onto me.

I told them that it was division. Wanting and needing against the best chance they could have. It was desire and survival; a mess of paint on cracked dry wall. It was the phantom touch of the last time you held me and it was the ghost of a smile in the pictures of us.

My world was one tune after another. Each varying in tone, touch and speed; a racing heart, a slow breath and a deafening scream. Inspiration clouded by the doubt of a self-deprecating voice in my head. Cancellation after cancellation under the dim lights to the sight of the midnight moon.

A soft lull in the background that reaches and coaxes and comforts.
You'll be okay, I promise. You'll be okay.
An unheard sigh that never escapes the lungs, softly shutting eyes and a crease in your forehead. Discordant notes in a piano.
No, please don't. Yes, you need to.
And there was nothing like spending hours staring at the vast ocean, releasing myself of it all.
Taking in the sins of others and breathing them out as my own.

Someone once asked me to tell them about my world and all I could see in my mind was the soft brown eyes of a soul in pain.

I keep wandering this same path. Where I meet you and I fall in love then I lose you. It's  like a cassette stuck on one side. I saw myself cry, when I thought of what my wedding vows would be if we ever reached that point in our lives. And while the tears stream down my face, you'd lift a hand and you'd wipe the tears and you'd take me in your arms. Then you'd whisper, "I'm here."

Let me tell you a story about two very broken people. It started with an invitation to a table. I saw you and I thought to myself, "I want to know him." At the time, I didn't know that I would get what I had asked for. I was young. Naive. Foolish.

It was love and loss and love and loss and love and loss and now there's nothing left but cigarette ash and a deafening silence I never thought I'd feel this deeply. I gave love on a silver platter and it was left on the sacrificial altar. By the time they tried to get it back, I could no longer provide that same love.

It's like being home and getting lost again. But I wouldn't trade it for any other.

Once, you said you liked me
Once, you said you loved me
Once, I chose to believe it
But now, it's been cast under the duvet
of a bed I no longer sleep on
in a room, I no longer belong

Once, I said I liked you
Once, I said I loved you
Once, I actually meant it
But now, it's simply a remembrance
Of what I used to think was real
But you lied, and that sealed the deal

It was trusting - The kind where you let yourself float
                             in the ocean with the knowledge that
                             the water surface wouldn't let you sink

It was release - The kind where you could let go of the rope
                           and enjoy the wind in your hair as you freefall
                           without ever landing the wrong way

It was ignorance - The kind where you put yourself in the
                                spotlight not realising the audience were
                                in their seats because they were obligated
                                not because they were willing

It was struggling - The kind where you went too far ahead and started
                                 sinking into quicksand, trying so hard to get yourself
                                 out that you didn't see outstretched hands surround

It was silence - The kind where you notice the elephant
                           in the room but refused to acknowledge
                           the distance between you and them

It was isolation - The kind where the ocean had grown too vast
                              to be crossed with all you have left when the
                              storm passes

It was letting go - The kind where acceptance has settled
                                in your bones and you see the uncrossed
                                distance that could've been overcome if
                                there were words instead of space

It was reminiscing - The kind where the memories, although
                                    tainted, make you miss the belonging and
                                    the ties left severed and forgotten

It was wishing - The kind where I would see your from
                             a premeditated distance and know that
                             neither of us cared enough to build a bridge
                             and neither of us left saying what we needed
                             to tell the other.

How many times have you been down this road?
The flickering lampposts,
the littered sidewalks,
the uneven road

How many times have you seen that same reflection
in the abandoned shop window?
The lost faces,
the crushed spirit,
the lack of life

How many times have you heard this song play?
The repetition,
hushed whispered undertones,
the reminder of him
of them

How many times have you danced to this tune?
The rifts and crescendos,
lilting melodies,
tales of sin in a hymn

it feels like I've been walking on the same pavement riddled with the same fallen leaves spelling out regret and trap. it's lined with trees that look so barren that everything is starting to sound like the same kind of goodbye though I'm not really sure what they're saying goodbye to.
Reflective surfaces come in the form of my empty palms
and the crunch of leaves and the snapping of twigs just seem to whisper in my mind.
I've been walking on the same pavement and I'm not entirely sure why it is the same kind of brickwork. A little sloppy, if you ask me.
The signposts are broken and rotting and I haven't been able to make out the words that are haunting the seemingly endless bounds of my mind.
Have you seen the sun yet?
I can't seem to make sense of anything from the slight rain and the dense fog. There are stains on my sleeves and my shoulders are weighed down and sagged.
I've been trying to reason with myself that this is what I ought to be doing. I've been trying to reason with myself that this is the path I should be on to find whatever it is I've been looking for. I've been trying to reason with myself that I belong here, on this dark and cobbled pavement while my arms are riddled with horripilation and my chest is sputtering blood from the hollowness of it all.
I've found a weeping willow - it weeps like the heat from my neck and I haven't felt the coldness settle.
There's frost on my fingers but if it is any consolation, I have no idea how to love or deserve to be loved.
Where has the time gone? Can you tell me?
The rabbit holes are empty and there is a void where my heart ought to be. My lungs aren't burning but there's smoke escaping with every breath I let out.
It's been too long, it's been too solitary. I can almost feel the brittleness of the skeletal structure that keeps me collected.
And time has escaped me.
There are no sounds and my ears are deafened.
The cold is settling.
I can still see the pavement.
It's still empty.
Is there no life here?
Can anyone hear me?
I can feel my thoughts echoing.
Hello?

It's been too long since the last time you held a pen, your mind has been bleached and your veins are on fire. Every second you change and become someone different form te crease on your lip to the dimples on your back. It's been hours since you last thought of happy things. Days since you've coloured in your missteps, months since you last thought of death, years since you lost the hope you were desperate to hold on to. Are your palms still bleeding from your nails sinking into them? Are your eyes still swollen from the tears that form because of the ache in your chest? Is your throat still dry because of the stomach acid that just left your body? Are you still holding on?

And you wonder where everything went wrong; when did you start to feel like this? Why does everything feel so much heavier now? Your breaths are shallow and your back is sore. You barely have the energy to stand now. How far are you planning to go with this? How much longer can you last?

The mysteries of life were carved in every endearing kiss, every searing touch and every silent love that you will never have the chance to know.

And try as you may any possible solutions you can think of will fall into the crevices of the earth forever lost and once again, as are you.

All sorts of methods have been tried and tested except for those that force you to allow a more intimate exploration of yourself and others around you.

The questions in your mind would only be answered through a passionate exchange of first glances and a mediocre array of exchanged words.

Living is such a trivial thing when you lack the balance and stand on the edge of silly things while succumbing to the vertigo of all that is unknown.

And you toss and you turn in search for answers of questions even you do not know and you crave to sate the curiousity of your mind only to find yourself facing yet another obstacle.

Madness is not a sickness nor is it a state of mind; Madness is the way everything seems when you start to question the mysteries of life.

There are so many ways
To take your own life
Many think blades
would probably suffice

Focused on the dark
they never see the light
that even through shadows
still shine bright

Just like ying and yang
there are two sides
where there is doom
you'll still see light

When in doubt
look up in the sky
even when its dark
you'll see rays of light

Don't lose hope
yes, life can give you a fright
but keep that faith
and you'll see those rays

♥

It's the hardest thing to think about you. To miss your voice, your presence, your friendship, your trust, your honesty, your cruelty. Nothing hurts quite as much as losing you. Not my first heartbreak, not my innocence being ripped away from me. I can let go of so many things, you are not one of them.

You made a choice. And I respect you and the choices you make.

It was so hard at the start... When every lie and every truth and every ounce of pain was something I wanted to tell you about. You were my best friend, my confidante, my breath of air while I was drowning, my lifeline. Everything I wanted to live for was you. But I wasn't everything for you. I was a phase, a hopeless act, a temporary fix. You deemed me unworthy and in all honesty, it was how I was. It's how I am.

And I love you. I would have given up my life for you. I would have given up everything for you. And I did. I gave you up. I didn't fight. I didn't scream. I didn't get angry. All I could do was tell you that I love you. It still hurts. 18 months down the road and it still hurts as much as the very first day.

The walls are so thin, i can hear you scream
The walls are so thin, i can almost feel your fear on my skin
It's not the end yet, love
I'm right here
I'm right here

The room is so cold, i don't know if you're still there
The room is so cold, i hope you're warmer than i am
It's not the end yet, love
We will survive this
We will survive this

The roof is leaking, my throat is so dry
The roof is leaking, I can't feel my hands
I heard the whispers
You'll be free soon
You'll be free soon

They came for you, im still behind this wall
They came for you, they didn't know i was here
My eyes are tired...
I'm glad you're safe
I'm glad you're safe

There is no greater love story
Than one that eneded before it began
With a love so real and unprepared

There is no greater tragedy
Than one that was planned by the trusted
With a deciet that was unimaginably deep-rooted

It goes unparalleled
How everything fits in it's designated place
And yet be so wrongly used in it's space

It goes unquestioned
How we deem our mundane lives to be
But we never recognize the need for change
In the place of our own spite

I thought of pale moonlight and dying stars, water lilies and flowers on mars.
Beautiful wastelands and breathtaking waves. But nothing could completely describe the rays you emit.
I've seen a thousand sunsets and a thousand deaths, a thousand wonders and ghosts in unrest.
Emptied lakes and overfilled oceans. But nothing could make my day like your smiling eyes.

I suppose you could say I was a silly girl who liked to believe in romantic notions like the concept of a forever
And perhaps that is the way things should be - having faith in impossible things - but every forever could differ
I've known forevers that only lasted when I was looking into your eyes for only a second
and forevers that carried my heart next to yours for so many lifetimes over
I've seen forevers that lasted between the time he fell in love with her and she walked out of love with him
Maybe it's the child-like tendency to believe more in so much less
Perhaps it's the hope that one day forever will be more than just a word that meant our time together
Or I could just be a silly girl who believed in precarious notions of romance in an unromantic world.

My Mother once told me that the pain will burn your lies until all that you leave behind with every step you take
is the smoke of the cigarettes you once held dear but I was pathologically just imagining her saying things to me with her back turned and her eyes closed.
The soles of my shoes are as worn as my eyes when midday reaches its peak
and the last time she spoke to me it was only to tell me that she'd return the favour
by playing the games I never meant to put in place just to spite my severe apathy towards the ways of living in her world.
I'm still only a pebble on a stretch of sand I won't live long enough to see
and parallel lines that were perpendicular to the fragile vein of life were the only things I bothered to pay attention to
but she'll never know that.
I'm still the only ceramic mug on the shelf and eyes pass over me quicker than dust gathers on my shoulders.
I'll never be able to compare the flames in my lungs to the crackle of firewood of lost travellers
for the only blazes I start are the ones that dry my throat and leave my eyes bloodshot.
My Mother talks about love like it's the remedy to every illness but my Father's eyes gaze fleetingly at her soul
and she still claims that their love was the most powerful thing in the world.

There are these moments
the spaces of time between you and I
Where my hands clench into fists
As if trying to fill the space yours should be

Where my heart feels so full
that I wish I could give you parts of it
So that you can feel
Feel all these emotions
That lead right back to love

Where I close my eyes
and there's this serenity
Because my eyelids imagine your eyes
And my pupils dilate

Where my lips feel unkissed
because I have yet to have yours
Touch mine

Where my mind drifts and flows
right back to where you first let yourself
go with me
feel with me
be with me

And where home is
home being your radiating presence
Making the static turn
and everything is in High Definition

the definition of your entirety
of you
with me
in a blissful limbo
down by the river
watching the lights
hearing the people
experiencing life
within and without