We were in a moving car
And I was thrown out mid journey
Unsuspectingly
Probably deservedly

We built it from nothing
We put love in it
We made a plan for the trip
But it changed

It changed so fast
I can barely catch my breath
It changed so fast
I can feel every broken part of me

The wind knocked the breath from my lungs
The impact...
The impact never ends
When one pain ends another starts

A life I planned to have
A life I wished and dreamed
A split second
It was all gone

Gone
It doesn't exist anymore
We built this car with love
So much love

So much pain
So much grief
We were on a journey
And I was thrown out

Nights and days blend
The pain doesn't end.
The pain doesn't end.
I was left

Broken. Alone.
Only indifference
Trying to walk home
In the dead of night

A risk.
So much faith.
It was so beautiful.
It was so... breathtaking.

In that moment between night and day
I almost forget.
Almost.
Then the pain settles in my bones again

But I can't make you love me.
I can't make you love me if you don't.
I hope your journey goes well
Maybe I'll meet you half way

I hope I live to see the day
I hope I can breathe again
I hope... I hope you're at peace

day 1 - I was looking for your handprint in the leaves so I could have something to hold on to when I'm drowning in the sea.

day 7 - you kept your hand an inch away but along ē same phase as her breathing in hopes that one day you'd have her whispers in your chest.

day 13 - you huddle in the corner so the walls can hold you the way he used to. It's cold again and your fingertips are blue.

day 27 - they say that all ē walls look the same no matter how many times you blink & that stories are lies but you know better, don't you?

day 32 - his voice never leaves and every step you take is another reminder of him whispering to you that he never loved you.

day 46 - you're tripping over the roots of your fears and, darling, at this rate you'll never be able to outrun yourself or him or them.

day 54 - we sit across from each other without even noticing the oceans that crash into us and the ripped fabric between our eyes.

day 61 - I've caught the dreams of you and of almosts. Of reaching and barely touching fingertips. Of longing and denial. Of stepping stones and emotions that ricochet.

day 79 - they were your eyes & the natural order of things. Of us orbiting in a Higgs-Bosson type of way & we're still waiting for when we inevitably collide.

day 85 - I was staring at my hands wondering how long it was going to take me to get used to the lack of yours holding them

day 98 - hearing voices overlap the wallpaper and I haven't stopped inhaling smoke and choking on my own tears since you walked away

day 103 - they didn't see it but it's always been there,

day 108 - there are flames in our hands we can't extinguish alone

day 119 - I thought you would cherish my heart in your hands

day 127 - the walls are covered in ash and so are my lungs

day 132 - the whispered promises are on the surface of my skin

day 136 - I feel a breath of life every time you look me in the eyes and nothing could ever replace that feeling

day 144 - its like no matter how far I wander I end up back in your arms

day 159 - happiness, bliss and repeat

day 167 - you had both feet planted to grow roots for our future, this time it's forever

day 182 - the reflections in your eyes were always warm, but on this summer day they were quite far away

day 217 - our laughter doesn't echo anymore, it's always a silence

day 235 - even when you hold my hand, I barely feel your heartbeat, what is happening, my love? Where did you go?

day 270 - it's like the ocean wants to swallow me whole, will you pull me out? how far did you go?

day 302 - I can barely speak, we've been yelling for hours. I'm sorry, my love. What did I do?

day 327 - our picture frames fell in slow motion, there was a glass bottle in your hand. What do you need, my love? How can we mend?

day 344 - I looked into your eyes today, but you weren't there. There was no warmth in your touch today, I feel bare.

day 365 - you walked out the door today, a suitcase in hand. Was my love not enough? Was I the one who let us fade?

You have no idea, do you? You don't realize that every time you tell me you love me is another dig into my own grave. And every time I remember that you don't is another pinprick that never heals. I've got scars on my back from the last time you kissed me and there are bruises on my arm from when you last looked me in the eye. I miss you so much that I feel like every thought of you constricts my chest and makes it hard to breathe. All I ever wanted was to have your hand in mind and feel like for once I'd never have to be so alone every time I walk past another tree.

I remember the last time you made me smile. You were lying on my lap the day before you had to fly off and you were listening to me talk about the other people I had known from my journey then to now. I was playing with your hair and I remember thinking that there was nowhere else I'd rather be and no one else I'd rather be with.  I remember thinking that maybe I could finally set my roots and follow one path to one place, but you took that away from me.

In the same day, you put a stake through my heart when you disappeared and said nothing, no call, no whisper about leaving so I started walking back home but waited at the end of the road for an hour to see if you would follow. You didn't. Love didn't.

I was already in love with you then. And it hurt to realize you didn't really care all that much to make sure I got home safe.

We ended things. Or at least I did. You argued that even if you were in the middle of a vast ocean and I was on the mainland, our love could've traveled distances and I reminded you that there was no love here and that you were the one who told me without saying a word that you held no love for me but expected me to love you in places beyond our reaches of the galaxy.

But my hands could only stretch so far, and my heart could only take so much before the pain of being with you and without you all at once began to dance on my skin like folk songs around a bonfire.

I know my heart and I know that it believes in the worlds away and it holds so strongly it can hardly take the pain but keeps pumping anyway. But for once, the blood pumping in my veins understand that it's alright. It's alright to let go of love and it's alright to let go of you. My eyes understand it's okay to weep and that my lungs breathe better without tears choking it.

My hands will shake and be taken over by tremors but they'll know that you were never love and love would never again be you.

I haven't been able to sleep without crying and reaching for you in my bed. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the small moments you gave me and I haven't been able to go an hour without wishing you could be there with me. I haven't been able to not miss your voice and the way you make me laugh. I haven't been able to look at things and think about anything other than how you're connected to it somehow.

And I feel like I should apologize for having these feeling for you. Like I should apologize for wishing you had held me for a little longer and that when you hugged me for the first time it felt like the last time. I feel like I should apologize for unconsciously thinking of living the rest of my life with you and for crying when I realize it's just another dream when I wake up. I feel like I should apologize for not being able to tell you that I think I love you.

So I've been staying up and replaying every second of the last time we met. I've been staying up and remembering that if you wanted to love me, you would have by now. I've been staying up and recalling every touch, every word and every smile. I've been staying up and hoping that when I fall asleep I'll feel you again only to wake up disappointed that you're never really there. I've been staying up and trying to forget that I want to live the rest of my life by your side. I've been staying up and regretting every word I never said and the kiss I never gave.

It seems like all I can ever do is wish for things to be different and it seems like all I can think about is how much being around you feels like coming home. It seems like looking at you is the only thing I want to do in my life. It seems like you'll never look at me the way I want you to and it seems like I have no other choice but to say goodbye to you. It seems like goodbye is the only thing that's left for me to do.

I can't see you and not wish things were different. I can't talk to you and not think about how much I want to tell you to love me. I can't be around you and not yearn to have your arms around me. I can't walk with you and not reach out for your hand when our fingers brush. I can't love you and not cry myself to sleep knowing that I can never have you. And I can't wait for you and not be tempted to force an ultimatum on you.

So I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back until I'm sure I've moved on from you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you as long as you're happy. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back and I won't love you anymore.

I love you
But I'm not in love with you anymore
And maybe it's better this way

I'll look upon our memories fondly
I'll think only the best of things
Of the time you sat by me in silence
Of how you were my best friend

I won't feel the pain so deeply
I won't think of being let down
I won't shed anymore tears
The pain won't spread across my chest

Distance will be good for us
  You'll barely notice I'm gone

Space will be best for us
  And our hearts won't grow fond

It's time, I'll remind myself
It's finally time

Time to let you go.
Time to wish you the best.
I'll whisper it in the evening,
You'd never have to know.

I dream of having you as mine
I dream of claiming your lips under light
I dream of having each touch of yours
I dream of searing the memory of you in my mind
I dream of having spent a day with only you
I dream of creating a life with you

But these dreams are mine
       And these dreams are fictional
       They will not come true

You will not be mine
        I will not have you
        And life as I know it
                Will always have the upperhand

I will be deprived of your touch
                                 Starved of your taste
                          Blinded by the sight of nothingness
             And I will shed tears like no other

                                     As they rip you from my soul
                               Just so they can feel the anguish
                                          The pain
   The darkness
                                                                           The loneliness
                     And the suffering

That only comes from living in a world

Devoid of you

              Devoid of your smile
                    Devoid of your laugh
                           Devoid of your warmth
                                  Devoid of your heartbeat

And as you die
                             I will die
As will I live
                         And only spend my days
                         All my remaining hours


                                   Loving you


                                                                       And only you


For the ****** only have that
       The ****** have nothing else
                                         But the love they once had
                    And the memories that they keep

But eventually
                           That will be forgotten
                                                 The emotions will run dry

And I would have spent an eternity
      

                            In absolute nothingness

White veils
Flowing dresses
First loves
Sweet caresses

Lilting music
Lifting thoughts
When their eyes meet
everything else is lost

Scattered petals
Sparkling eyes
Secret smiles
Whispered lines

"To you I vow
to always love
to always stay

To you I vow
to never leave
there will never be
another for me

To you I vow
to give my whole heart

I've been dreaming a dream
every lonely night before this
To wake up every morning
to you smiling at me

And now that dream has come true
you give me more than everything
and everything is you

I love you"

Cheers for a birth
of an official love
a lifelong commitment
a world void of wishes

Everything she had ever dreamed
was already in this moment
The most perfect moment
Nothing could destroy it

Lovely thoughts
Monsters lost
You showed her a light
that now resides
in her dark brown eyes

Flower bouquets
Arrays of bridesmaids
Shining eyes
Real smiles

A wedding day

It was all in that span of 90 seconds

The first was a smile -
It wasn't special or expected
  It was just a second
Fleeting but true
Yet it was a lie

The second was a crinkle by your eye -
A small movement
  Usually overlooked
But it meant the world
To more than just you

The third was a touch -
Just a brush
  Enough to enrapture
Almost crackling
Like there was more to it

There were times where it felt like the ice crust over the bluebells on my favourite field

There were times where the air felt thin and my hands would shake from the sheer force of the wind

There were times when my heart drowned in such intimate sorrow I could barely make out the horizon

There were times where the short glimpses of light would reflect off the dew and I could taste the sweetness

There were times when the blizzard would catch my hair and everything seemed out of control

I'd take one step... Then another one...

One day, the sky was calm and the scratches riddling my arm would be at the peak of healing

One day, I heard laughter and shared laughter with people who shared and loved and gave and wanted simplicity

One day, the appreciation for joy, beauty and creativity breached the walls of my heart

One day, I found you again.

One day, I felt like I could breathe again.

I had seen you. I laughed by your side. I felt your warmth. I was next to you. I was with you. I experienced having your hand in mine again. I lived again.

Through all the necessary pain. Through all the lost time.
Through all those empty nights when it felt like you were missing from me.

None of it mattered anymore because I came home.

There's fire in my veins;
A searing touch
A heated look
A molten desire

He asked me what I wanted
And with a heady breath I said
"I want to be consumed,
I want to be desired
I want what is carnal
And I want what is irresistible

I want the untameable;
The raw, unfettered truth
I want the unattainable;
The simple, uncontrollable need"

Warm breath on cold skin
Long nights of sin
He asked me again
What it was I wanted
And I told him
I want want
and desire unencumbered

I want to be consumed
Every breath, every touch, every thought
The same way flames lick at their surroundings
The way water fills every empty space
The way air swathes into endless vacuums

When earth is pressured and heated
It creates diamonds
I want to be consumed

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is the first time I've heard of you!
          I'm so excited for the day you'll find me
          Then we'll live happy-tedly ever after!

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my nine-eth birthday
          I hope I get you next year!
          Then I'll have someone real to play with

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is a scary day
          Daddy isn't smiling at Mommy
          You have to promise
          to always smile at me okay?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today it's been 4 years since I first heard of you
          Mom and Dad aren't speaking anymore
          I need a friend

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today Dad left the house
          I can hear Mom crying in her room
          Don't ever leave me okay?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I found out that my friends hate me
          You won't hate me right?
          They said I'm fat and an orphan

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today the kids at school tripped me
          I suppose accidents happen
          When will you be here?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I wore a long sleeved shirt to school
          No, don't worry, it isn't cold here
          The kids at school hate me

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my 16th birthday
          Will you be here soon?
          I think I need a friend

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today Mom and Dad are finalizing their divorce
          You won't give up on me,
          Will you?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I'm staying with Dad
          He has a special friend over
          Don't forget to come find me

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I've been told that you won't find me
          That's not true right?
          It's very lonely

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I slept through school
          I just couldn't find a reason to get up
          Reach here soon

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is already tomorrow because it's midnight
          If you're close by please let me know
          I need you

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I know you're not real
          But I wish you were
          Who else would love me in this cruel world?

Dear Prince Charming;
          It's 2am and everything is looking darker than before
          I can't stop crying
          Please be real

Dear Prince Charming;
          I don't know who you are
          I don't know if you exist
          But I love you

Dear Prince Charming;
          I couldn't wait for you anymore
          So I hooked up with the guy next door
          I don't like him

Dear Prince Charming;
          I'm still wearing long sleeved shirts
          The mirrors are broken
          I need you

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my 18th birthday
          I'm sorry
          You need to find a new princess to love

I feel *****. I can feel it still.
I can hear the echoes and taste the blood.
I hear myself say it
No
No
No
You told me not to lie,
You wanted me to lay
Not my heart just my body
I said it
You told me not to lie
A day and six hours
It's been a day and six hours
And I can still feel your hands and your lips
I tried to pull away
But I got caged
By myself
By you
I let it
I let it happen
I said no
Didn't you hear me
I can hear your voice
The phantom limbs
Please
No
No
No
Don't touch me
Please
"Don't lie, you like it."
I don't want it
Please
I'm sorry
No
No
No
I can't
It's a nightmare
And I flinch
I can't
Hold myself together
It didn't go as far as you would've liked
What if the movie didn't end
What if
What if it never ends
Please don't
Please
No
No
No
I said no
I swear I did
But I let it
I let it happen anyway
I'm sorry
He was stronger
I got scared
I let it happen
I LET IT HAPPEN
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
I SHOULD HAVE
I couldn't.
Please don't touch me

I want to sink
let me sink
A day and seven hours
Please
I don't want to feel it
I don't want to remember
Please
Please
Please

I can still hear his voice
Feel his touch
Smell him
I see it
Clear as day in my mind
The movie isn't ending
Please
It needs to end

It was easier said and done
the fixing of a soul
that is constantly moving
deeper into the unknown

Thoughts so deeply rooted
Words so ingrained
in the mind of a girl
barely even sane

It was easier said than done
the attention and time she would need
to mend the gears in her heart
just so she could be free

No one really sees
the damage the do
until her eyes roll back
and her lips turn blue

It is what they say
People only ever listen
the moment you're dead

Who would ever
to look over the words
of a dead girl?

The fear of being a bigot
overpowers
everything else

It's easier said than done
to love yourself, to accept yourself
after years of being told
you should do everything but

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong

Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown

I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them

Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive

No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted

Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy

It's how I spend most of my nights now,
a light glow, heady and heavy smoke
a glass always half full

Contrast in the way I love
loud music, dense crowds
never an empty glass in hand

Clarity is the worst
pounding head and dry eyes
dehydrated

Company doesn't love misery
and misery is not unchecked at the door
it is restless and moving

Always moving
    always moving
         always moving

She left her heart behind
He let his heart go
It's half full
It's half full of misery
of the lack of you

Illusive, enigmatic you

It's how I spend most of my nights now,
a light glow, heady and heavy smoke
a glass always half full

*Tell me again

Lengthy explanations
for simple altercations
Wordy answers
for the easiest classes

Yet none mean anything
None hold much meaning
Just memorisation
and categorisation

Life goes down the drain
as we watch the rain
Essays about love
fly away like doves

Euphemisms are a wonderful thing
you can't deny the joy
such pretty lies bring

"Can I just let go?"
Is me saying
I'd very much like to die

But to you
it may mean
I need to cry

Like the stars up in the velvet sky
Like the moon shining before the sun sets for the night
Always wishing always searching
For a glimpse of peace

Like the lighted dots on a board
Like the spotlight in the dark
Always wanting always working
For a chance at recognition

Like the yellow five-pointed shape
Like that sideways smile
Always dreaming always hoping
For you to pay attention once in awhile

Like the number 5 after 9
Like the grin on her face
Always looking always trying
For you not to look at her like she was a disappointment

Like the stars in the velvet sky
Like the moon that lights up the night
Always crying always praying
For her life to end

Every night
Every night she cries
Going unnoticed, an invisible child
lackluster love
ribbons and scars

That's exactly what it was. With walls draped in tapestries of golden thread and platters of beautiful meals that were tasteless. Like a prized bird, for the eyes to see and the ears to hear but never for its embrace of life. Never for that singular sparkle or that breath of purity.

A ghost of a crown jewels and mystical *****. Like a shadow of what once was majestic and desired, shrouded by the chains that hold.

So you stared at the hourglass and counted
For all that it was worth, for every grain that fell
What exactly are you trying to achieve?

Drunken nights and empty parlours
Bottomless glasses and dusted shelves
you look in the mirror and see what bloodshot eyes can see
blurred lines and skewed vision from your lack of depth and ability to perceive

You watch the clock make it’s way around once then again
More like you’re on a boat in the middle of the sea
lost at will and on course to the places you’ve never been
And the places you least wanted to be

Live inside the walls of your mind
They’ve carved you out so well you could be a pumpkin on All Hallows Eve
Everything that used to be a part of you was simply tossed out the window to feed the starving crows

I see that your heart is bleeding again but no amount of gauze will swallow the pain
You can stare at the mirror for hours trying to love the parts of you that you hate

But they’ll never see the rotten parts of you that you see so clearly

The walls are closing in again


Don’t lose hope


                               Don’t lose hope



                                                         ­      Don’t lose hope

(m.e.)

Your eyes are red,
I can tell it's gotten to you again
The weight of the world
The weight of her pain
The weight of your family

Spreading your arms
trying to take in as much as you can
The crippling words
The thundering cries
The heave of expectations

Your hands are shaking
it's hard to hold on to reality
Slipping in and out
Tripping over, falling under
Dragging around

Just hold on
I know it doesn't seem it'll be alright
But just
Hold on

I'm an architect, it's true.
I make homes out of people,
more often than I should.

All it takes is a breath of fresh air
and a hundred nights
and twice as many days.

It starts with hello, or hi,
whichever is preferred.
Laying the foundation, slowly.

Then the layers,
peeling off old memories
of faces from a past I can barely remember.

I'll ponder on the materials,
and I'll begin.


Sometimes it doesn't work out
because the brickwork was all wrong.
Sometimes it falls a part
because the cement isn't strong.
Sometimes it holds, at least for awhile,
before crumbling into dust.

When I saw you, I drew up plans in my head,
blueprints,
everything was fixed in my head.
Then I tried building you.

It was the hardest **** thing
I've ever done,
it kept crumbling half way up.

A loose brick here,
unsteadiness there...
It was doomed from the start.

But I kept trying anyway.

Because when I was tired,
you told me stories.
And when  I got hurt,
you cared for my wounds.
When I start to doubt,
you tell me it will be okay.

Come rain, come shine,
you stayed
and I built a home out of you.
I had a home because of you.

But the weather had its game face on,
and you tried to stay strong.

It started with small leaks,
just stray drops from the storm
then gaping holes in the roof...
The walls grew mould.

But I stayed.
And here I stay.

I make homes out of people,
more often than I should.
And for now, you'll be the last
one I try to fix even after
you've broken and left me for dead.

Maybe in a few months I'll try again.
I'll use someone else as inspiration.
And I'll make a home out of them,
just like I tried to with you.