The man of life upright, whose guiltless heart is free
From all dishonest deeds and thoughts of vanity:
The man whose silent days in harmless joys are spent,
Whom hopes cannot delude, nor fortune discontent;
That man needs neither towers nor armor for defense,
Nor secret vaults to fly from thunder's violence:
He only can behold with unaffrighted eyes
The horrors of the deep and terrors of the skies;
Thus scorning all the care that fate or fortune brings,
He makes the heaven his book, his wisdom heavenly things;
Good thoughts his only friends, his wealth a well-spent age,
The earth his sober inn and quiet pilgrimage.

Sometimes when my mind drifts
it goes back to endless hallways
and that all too familiar scent
overtakes my senses

My spine actually cringes
at the thought of the needles
piercing the central nervous system
they forgot to numb

my thoughts swim in the pools
that formed in my mother's eyes
as she quoted the neurologist
"your son is dying."

I can still taste the confusion
that drowned my confidence
and left me wondering
if it'll ever resurface

my dreams never stopped crying,
if they even have the chance to exist
they're nothing short of terrifying,
nightmares replaced the rest

it's odd that I can remember
the sickness that consumed me
but completely and utterly forget
the happiness that prequeled it

Autumn splashed her vibrant-colors,
hung flittering splashing sun
in the trees above us.
A gentle breeze wound it's way
up through the trunks from the creek,
swallows chirped melodic.

I held you ever so close,
my fingers strummed your fiery-curls,
I felt your heart in my own throat,
emerald-eyes burn brightly,
you were hypnotic.

I was just about to kiss you,
told you I couldn't promise you forever.
A lone tear rolled down your cheek
as you bit your parted-lip
looking down
at the brown crinkled leaves,
resting silently
at our romantic-feet.

I swear my heart stopped.

The sky was beautiful today. It was clear, blue, and it reminded me of you. The air was crisp, and cool. The breeze danced against my skin, like children at play. The ground hummed beneath me. It almost had a sort of musical rhythm to it. The vibrations moved through my body, rattling my bones, down to my soul. It was time. It was time to pay for my crimes. The ropes that were secured around me crushed me. Engulfing my chest and lungs. They made it very difficult to breathe. But I was not afraid. I looked straight ahead, she was beautiful. Her sleek, black body raced against the tracks. She was headed straight towards me and fast. But I was not afraid. Suddenly I had tears of pure happiness streaming down my face. I was going to be free. Finally, I could let go of everything. I was ready. As she drew closer I stared into her. Thanking her for the deed she was about to do for me. I thought not of the good nor the bad things I had done. Only the overwhelming fact that I was about to be set free. The horn of the train blew, the sound piercing my ears. It was loud, and harsh. But I was not afraid. I found the sound almost sweet. I looked up, for a second I swear, I saw your face. I smiled ever so slightly.
And then the humming ceased, I no longer felt the constriction of my bondages, no noise. My entire being relaxed. I was in the quiet dark, yet I was not afraid.

There was this girl --
she wasn’t just a girl
not just any girl

She was the girl
who looked at me different

She looked at me unlike
any other person
looked at me

Friends, strangers, my own parents
no, she looked at me differently

Not with disapproving eyes
not with disappointment

no contempt
no shame
no regret

Not even with wonder

or amazement

or excitement

When she looked at me
she didn’t see what I once was
or what I could one day be

She didn’t see past mistakes

or wasted potential

or squandered talent

She didn’t see goals
that were too great to achieve
or dreams that were abandoned
and never to be realized

She didn’t see the boy
that grew up too soon
or the man
that didn’t grow up fast enough

She didn’t see me lost
in the wilderness of my own doubts

my fears

my demons

She didn’t see me drowning
in the sea of my own self pity

my apathy

my bottles

She never saw any of those things

When she looked at me
all she saw was me
just me as I was
naked and bare
skin and bones and hair and nails

She saw me open and empty
waiting to be filled
and then emptied again

Somewhere in there she saw a soul
or at least the small spark of one
a soul that must have meant something
that must have been
worth sticking around for

It must have meant that I was there
that I was present
at least in some capacity
I cared
cared for her
for something
anything

Now I sit and wonder
what happened to the soul

I wonder where it went
where it could have gone
I wonder why it left
how it went away
what I did to destroy it

I must have destroyed it
because she doesn’t look at me anymore
there’s nothing left
for her to see

those eyes are gone
and I miss them

I should have appreciated them more
looked into them
reassured them

I should have figured
that one day
they wouldn’t be there
to look at me anymore

I just didn’t see
how tired they were
her tired eyes
tired of me

What I wouldn’t give for someone
to just look at me
like that again

if only just once
just for a second

She never saw any of those things
when she looked at me
and neither did I
when I looked at her