it feels like I've been walking on the same pavement riddled with the same fallen leaves spelling out regret and trap. it's lined with trees that look so barren that everything is starting to sound like the same kind of goodbye though I'm not really sure what they're saying goodbye to.
Reflective surfaces come in the form of my empty palms
and the crunch of leaves and the snapping of twigs just seem to whisper in my mind.
I've been walking on the same pavement and I'm not entirely sure why it is the same kind of brickwork. A little sloppy, if you ask me.
The signposts are broken and rotting and I haven't been able to make out the words that are haunting the seemingly endless bounds of my mind.
Have you seen the sun yet?
I can't seem to make sense of anything from the slight rain and the dense fog. There are stains on my sleeves and my shoulders are weighed down and sagged.
I've been trying to reason with myself that this is what I ought to be doing. I've been trying to reason with myself that this is the path I should be on to find whatever it is I've been looking for. I've been trying to reason with myself that I belong here, on this dark and cobbled pavement while my arms are riddled with horripilation and my chest is sputtering blood from the hollowness of it all.
I've found a weeping willow - it weeps like the heat from my neck and I haven't felt the coldness settle.
There's frost on my fingers but if it is any consolation, I have no idea how to love or deserve to be loved.
Where has the time gone? Can you tell me?
The rabbit holes are empty and there is a void where my heart ought to be. My lungs aren't burning but there's smoke escaping with every breath I let out.
It's been too long, it's been too solitary. I can almost feel the brittleness of the skeletal structure that keeps me collected.
And time has escaped me.
There are no sounds and my ears are deafened.
The cold is settling.
I can still see the pavement.
It's still empty.
Is there no life here?
Can anyone hear me?
I can feel my thoughts echoing.
Hello?

the train tracks are empty. I don't know how often one comes. I'd like to say that I've been holding myself together with twine and bits of soil and concrete. I'm barefoot and I've found an array of glass bottles littered over the edges of the track.
All I need is a little warmth which is odd considering it's in the middle of summer and the scorching rays are burning my skin. Everything else seems illegible compared to your eyes and nothing looks real anymore.
I want you to know that when a train comes barreling through these tracks, I will face it with as much faith as I can bear.
I once promised you that I would try and I am trying but I can't cough out the words lodged in my throat because, I think, I've kept them there for too long now. I did promise you that I would try but does it really matter all that much now?
I can hear the train coming - this looks like a nice spot to settle.
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to look past the lost tenderness that used to grace your eyes.
It's ridiculous really, because I haven't met you yet and there's still an ache in my chestfrom when you left.
I don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to use the memories of your lack of existence to help myself move from this spot.
I can see the lights approaching.
Please understand. Please understand that I had to do this. Please understand that I had to do this for the sake of my sanity and I can't imagine moving away from these train tracks just to wake up tomorrow to remember that I do not know what it feels like to have loved and be loved by the ghost of you.
Please, I beg of you, forgive me for my past transgressions and forgive me for not being able to quell the pain of never knowing you.
I can hear it now. I can hear the pistons and the rumble of the tracks.
I'll take my leave.
And maybe, if I'm lucky, you'll never realize I was here in the first place.

I haven't been able to sleep without crying and reaching for you in my bed. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the small moments you gave me and I haven't been able to go an hour without wishing you could be there with me. I haven't been able to not miss your voice and the way you make me laugh. I haven't been able to look at things and think about anything other than how you're connected to it somehow.

And I feel like I should apologize for having these feeling for you. Like I should apologize for wishing you had held me for a little longer and that when you hugged me for the first time it felt like the last time. I feel like I should apologize for unconsciously thinking of living the rest of my life with you and for crying when I realize it's just another dream when I wake up. I feel like I should apologize for not being able to tell you that I think I love you.

So I've been staying up and replaying every second of the last time we met. I've been staying up and remembering that if you wanted to love me, you would have by now. I've been staying up and recalling every touch, every word and every smile. I've been staying up and hoping that when I fall asleep I'll feel you again only to wake up disappointed that you're never really there. I've been staying up and trying to forget that I want to live the rest of my life by your side. I've been staying up and regretting every word I never said and the kiss I never gave.

It seems like all I can ever do is wish for things to be different and it seems like all I can think about is how much being around you feels like coming home. It seems like looking at you is the only thing I want to do in my life. It seems like you'll never look at me the way I want you to and it seems like I have no other choice but to say goodbye to you. It seems like goodbye is the only thing that's left for me to do.

I can't see you and not wish things were different. I can't talk to you and not think about how much I want to tell you to love me. I can't be around you and not yearn to have your arms around me. I can't walk with you and not reach out for your hand when our fingers brush. I can't love you and not cry myself to sleep knowing that I can never have you. And I can't wait for you and not be tempted to force an ultimatum on you.

So I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back until I'm sure I've moved on from you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you as long as you're happy. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back and I won't love you anymore.

So you stared at the hourglass and counted
For all that it was worth, for every grain that fell
What exactly are you trying to achieve?

Drunken nights and empty parlours
Bottomless glasses and dusted shelves
you look in the mirror and see what bloodshot eyes can see
blurred lines and skewed vision from your lack of depth and ability to perceive

You watch the clock make it’s way around once then again
More like you’re on a boat in the middle of the sea
lost at will and on course to the places you’ve never been
And the places you least wanted to be

Live inside the walls of your mind
They’ve carved you out so well you could be a pumpkin on All Hallows Eve
Everything that used to be a part of you was simply tossed out the window to feed the starving crows

I see that your heart is bleeding again but no amount of gauze will swallow the pain
You can stare at the mirror for hours trying to love the parts of you that you hate

But they’ll never see the rotten parts of you that you see so clearly

The walls are closing in again


Don’t lose hope


                               Don’t lose hope



                                                         ­      Don’t lose hope

(m.e.)