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derelictmemory Dec 2013
We hid our secrets in between words
We say what we mean and yet
We do not mean the things we say
As we trot about language like s passing fancy

We use anagrams to encode our mysteries
And the only clue we provide blends
In plain sight as we search for the details
And we lose the big picture

And that being said, we cloak ourselves
In the name of anonymity we disguise ourselves
Behind pen names and question marks,
"Who are they? What are their secrets?"

Often mistaking privacy and misdirection
As a magic and an illusion
When it is plain to see that we prefer not to be
As they have deemed

In the name of anonymity
We hide our faces behind reflective illustrations
Behind cleverly placed nouns, verbs and fanciful phrases
As our words are shared and our names are spared
I'm not quite sure about the origins of this poem but I suppose it has to do with my hidden name and origin.
derelictmemory Dec 2013
Take the stake and break my skin, guaranteed your hands will get covered in sin
For God's sake we're in this lake of blood but we aren't getting any younger,
look at how childish we've been

Twisted games and wandering ghouls, how quick we are to sell our souls
Lost and searching, grieving and wailing
The Great Perhaps may be our downfall

But may the scars litter the places you've touched
We're older, none the wiser and still we do not amount to much
Steal and cheat, we break our vows

To make something of what we had when we left town
Mystical dreams and whimsical fancies, we let ourselves rot to the tales
A dance with Death and burnt flesh, we sacrifice only to burn in hell.

Able minded fables with opposable thumbs, writing how we wanted things to be
On the picket fence like it's a clock, it's become my job to leave the decision to you

But I'm  done following footsteps that have become too big for my soul
Let me slip back into my cocoon until I remember, again, how it feels to fly on my own

A multitude of voices trying to influence my choices
Making notes of what they deem to be right and wrong
And by Royal Decree, they deem themselves as the most supreme
To have sights on only one road and forgetting of the others that are at their disposal

And my mind takes it in like a dry sponge over water
Overloading, always screaming
And it drives me into myself again, just further
Learning to let go of the only thing keeping a firm hold of reality to finally being free

Crack open the crevices of my chest
And let my soul be freed of the binding hands
Holding it back from what it seeks
A never-ending spiral of vertigo
A collaboration with Devlin Andrew Harris.
derelictmemory Dec 2013
To whomever who may be reading this,

I've heard that sometimes sadness can't be explained.
Sometimes the reason it's there is because it just is.
The same way that when someone asks you why you're okay, you say you just are.
And why you simply accept that colours exist because they just do.

Like how if you were to ask that boy at that school on New Years' Day why he loved that girl he could prattle on about her pros and cons but fact of the matter is that it was just her. And she was just everything he could ever hope for in that moment.

And that is how I'd like you to explain my death.


                                                                                        It just happened.


I came home that day and I just felt immensely dissatisfied with my existence.
So I carved my arms and wore my favourite dress only to stain it with blood.
Then I took those sleeping pills I bought of that kid by the alleyway and swallowed them all.

It wasn't your fault, Mom.
                                             You thought I was strong enough.
It wasn't your fault, Dad.
                                           I just didn't believe anymore.

To my brothers and sisters and aunts and cousins,
                                                                                     none of you would've seen it coming.

It's none of your faults. It's mine.

                                                         And I know I'm going straight to hell but I deserve to burn for my sins.



Goodbye.
derelictmemory Dec 2013
I could try every possible way to justify my sadness to you.
But it still wouldn't make sense because the only way anyone who doesn't already feel this way can see it is, as
              attention-seeking.

No combination of 26 letters is gonna be able to encompass it.
And I could tell you how I'm feeling

but sad is really mild.

You have no idea  how it feels to simply be walking home then suddenly start hating yourself and knowing that
                         this is it
                                        this is how it is
                                                                    and nothing
                                                                                              is gonna change that.

You won't be able to comprehend how much misdirected hate there is everywhere when in actuality it's an individual causing it.
And I know you believe that I'm driving myself into this state because you believe I feel unloved or unappreciated... but it runs so much deeper. So so much deeper.

It's like...
                not feeling safe and comfortable within yourself
                It's like...
                                looking out of a tiny hole in a box because you're not like the other kids
                                You see things differently but you try.
                                                                                   You try to fit in.
                                                                                   You try to smile
                                                                                                               and be happy
                                                                                                                                       and laugh
                                                           and find joy in the littlest things.

        And yet, it isn't real.
                                                           It's all forced because you have to try, to feel that way.

                                        For most people it comes naturally.

Trying to explain to you why I feel the way I feel, could end up to be a string of gibberish lined up to sound nice but
                             at the end of the day it's really simple:
                                                                                                                       I hate myself

                                    I know I shouldn't and I know
                                    I'm not a killer or a ****** or a
                                    thief... but I hate myself.


                                                                                                      And that is it.
I wanted to send this to a friend in answer to a question of why I was so sad but I couldn't bring myself to send it. So here it is.
derelictmemory Dec 2013
The way your fingertips dance
Over my dry skin
And the way your lips demand
For more than a chaste kiss
It was how your eyes did nothing
To search for my soul
And how you whispered sweet nothings
Through a device so cold
But that warmth you give me
When your arm is wrapped around my body
And the way your laugh and smile
soothe my aching heart
and lift the sadness for awhile
The comfort and safety
You often provide
And my inability to lie
Even through that cold device
I hold you up so high
I just wish you could do the same
But I do not love
The way you say my name
The way you close your eyes
The way you pull away from me
No one is perfect
That I concede
But I often question,
"Why would you waste you time
with a girl like me?"
Answers were not your forte
You were the opposite of romantic cliches
I could pour my heart to you
And still you would ignore
Everything but your need
to constantly explore
The parts of me you could see
And not the ones I would let you reach
But it is enough for you
And that I would construe
And I will wait
And keep waiting
Though I know it could never be
For why would you waste your time
with a girl like me

(m.e.)
derelictmemory Nov 2013
It was in the way
you made me feel special
Then ran away

It was in the way
you told me my eyes sparkled
While they were dead

It was in the way
you tried to stand by me
But gave up halfway

It was in the way
I was a failure at making you happy
That made you leave me

It was in the way
you never truly left me
But you never actually stayed

It was in the way
I asked you if you loved me
With tears in my eyes

It was in the way
you pretended I had not asked you
A single questioned and walked away

It was in that way
That I understood
That no one could love somebody like me
derelictmemory Nov 2013
You are so confined
by what you want them to think of you
So caught
in the invisible web they've spun
That you don't realize you're hurting people
You're hurting  souls
Just to prove that they should accept you

You are so consumed
by your quest to be better than the rest
that you don't see it
You don't see that you're forcing a  wedge
in between yourself and the person that supported you

And that person is drowning
in thoughts
in words
in blood
but you don't even notice
You don't even blink an eye
as your daughter drowns
right in front of you
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