it is hard
to prove to people that inside you
lives a black hole
that is slowly but surely pulling you in
to annihilation

it is hard
when all they see are the smiles you fake
and the laughs you force out
to drown down those soft cries from within
yearning to be heard

I appreciate Emptiness and its efforts to make things feel right
With the naivety akin to thinking that it aids all wounds
Like how it wants to keep me warm at night with a blanket of skin piercing cold
And how it shields me from the sun
Not knowing 92 million miles away lies my only source of light
And at times it invites Loneliness over when it feels helpless over my tears,
Thinking that it'll make things better, much oblivious of the surrounding irony
Always the right intention
Always the wrong move
But I appreciate its presence
For Emptiness is my friend
And sometimes it is as if it makes
the blanket of cold,
and the umbrella of dark
Feel just
like
home

There used to be spaces
Between falling asleep and waking up
Spaces without emotional gravity
Where it gets hard to breathe, and I am turned inside out

There used to be spaces
Between pale fingers and heavy shoulders
Spaces cold with longing
For a breathing, comforting warmth

Where these spaces used to be
There's now you

Within every weary crevice, your presence flows
Every touch a lingering sediment, filling pieces that were once broken
Fossilizing fragile parts that were once left to die

Where these spaces used to be
There's now you

Patiently holding me through the varying magnitudes of my earthquakes
Silently bearing my uncalled eruptions
So accepting, of my faults and folds

There used to be spaces
Where what was precious to me were only the gemstones I collected

And where these spaces used to be,
There's now you.

oh fractured soul
fly me anywhere, everywhere
i don’t feel it anymore
only absence
all sense of belonging, gone
familiar shadows fleeting
including my own
oh i only have a home
and it is within me
never far
but outside these walls
i am another evaporated rain drop
another sea shell
washed away to another shore
different but the same
it is just me
i am the one who lost it all
like a caterpillar trapped in a glass jar
by a child too innocent to know
how bad the world can break you
and for these reasons
i yearn for
some place foreign
some place anew
because i’d rather be a stranger without a name
than a stranger in the same place she became

Like a tenacious flame on a candle that just won't die out
Even after gushes of blows from a child with an eager pout
(Those feelings are gone, I momentarily thought
Oh how wrong I was, I kid you not)

'Make a wish' they say,
for only once a year comes a birthday
Eyes closed, hands clasped, the child then began to pray
(How silly of me, thinking they've gone away
When I knew deep down, they're here to stay)

Again they sang the same song but this time a little louder
Smiling wide, the child knew she'd thank herself for the wish when she's much older*
(The covers are warm but my insides are getting colder
But faith is here with me, whispering 'things will get better')

The way the thick taste
binds with the surface of my tongue
The way the bitter yet alluring aroma
seeps through the air I breathe

From it we seek comfort
But from it comes few good

It's bad for me
But I keep falling in

Like caffeine
Sadness becomes addictive
Pulling me back into its embrace
Every time its hold a little tighter

Like caffeine
Loneliness keeps me up at night
Awake never for a reason
Keeping me far from lullabies

Like caffeine it's bad for me
But I keep falling in

I keep falling in

The last time you made contact with a living thing was over two weeks ago. An earthworm was splayed out, almost dried out of life on the ash-covered ground, wiggling once—its last.

Kuala Lumpur is now stripped down to being exactly that, mud. Earth drowned in what's left of the dark grey thunderstorm that hit the night before.

You're walking int the middle of the open road, littered left and right with burnt metal and oil. Ahead of you, nothing but yellow dust.

Just when your knees were about to give out from days of walking, running, limping, chasing the remnants of the city, you see from amidst the fog, a movement. Coming perfectly into view, a truck drags its limp tyres and tangles its loose bits.

A familiar tune suddenly fills the bare and flat atmosphere,
'mat kool, mat kool, kawanku
mari kita ikut, mat kool,
main, main, selalu
syoknya, syoknya ada mat kool'

This head's a space
clouded
its brume almost reaching
the insides of my irides
This hand's a tremble
from its roots
an earthquake
venturing back to an especial gob
of cardiac muscles
helplessly siphoning life through
the fragile cracks of this cage of ribs
Around my floating body
Spins the earth
Just another ornament
In a knitted blanket of galaxies
I do not question where
I do not question why
Those eyes, jaded
by stale smiles that have been
keeping them fed
and distracted
I am not one with myself
as the wavering mind threatens
to abandon this sad case of dolor
Breathing suffocates
Silence, a pain
I need a hand
to slap and punch me out of conscience
to shake and yell
live, you are alive!

Like the eyes of the dead
The depth of the sea bed

Strange it is so
To be empty
Yet still being able to feel

Strange it is so
How empty defines nothing
Yet still wears an unbearable presence

Strange it is so
To be consumed
To be swallowed up
By vast emptiness
For it does not hold
Any visible meaning or strength

Such like a black hole
Such like the deafening silence

Wait no longer and I could be gone
Wait no longer and all that could be left

Is nothing
Nothing but emptiness

Mostly thunderstorms to myself
But for you, an ocean
And I sink
I drown
And now
The glass is half empty
After pouring too much of myself
For you, who never planned to swim in my depths

in your hold are shards of glass
pathetically glued together by the thoughts that roam your head
and you couldn’t move
afraid
that they might break
and pierce your palms instead
but then you see
that your hands are also glass
hid away by a pseudo shine
and in front of you, a mirror
with cracks appearing from the side line
your heart skips a beat
when you see not even a reflection of yourself
then suddenly, a smash
as it drops to the ground
at the apprehension of
that reflection isn’t missing
but it ceases to exist
because the truth is
that you are there standing
looking right at yourself
without realising

My eyes are dead
But you can't see that
For they are misted
By the things you wish to see
By the things others wish to see

I understand now, how insomnia plays its tricks
******* the life out of my eyes
Drained
Leaving only hollow sockets of nothingness

My eyes are dead
For they don't even have the strength to force out tears anymore
Reddened
And perhaps
All that they're strong enough for right now
Is to pretend they're still alive

My eyes are dead
And you couldn't see that
But maybe
Just maybe
The pools of shadow resting under them
Gave it away

chase away the vengeance,
the grief and
the vanity
for what is the world
but
an ephemerality

i am one with the sand
blown by the breeze
not quite reaching the clouds
before i fall back to the ground
along with this transient dream
of being able to fly

i am one with the waves
adamantly
caressing the shore
only to keep being pulled away
in a routine
of holding on
and giving in

you
you are the sun
blinding me with your light
stinging these weary eyes
forcing them shut
without wanting to lose sight
of your shine

never would i want
anything more
than to live
to see another day
lit bright
with your presence
which washes these doubts away

so i will keep
reaching for the clouds
despite the constant fall
and as
for the shore
i have no choice
but to keep caressing back for more

I love sleep
But these days i find it hard to fall into its promise
Hard to give in to its warmth

Hey time,
Slow down
Aren't you tired of running?
Because i sure am of chasing

Come here,
Sit down with me
Help me catch these breaths of mine
As we talk over left over soup and tea

one two three
i notice you looking at me

four five six
i breathe as my hearbeat kicks

seven eight nine
masking my face with the words 'i'm fine'

and now i count to ten
as i try not to miss you again

Are you searching
or are you lost
Have you, a map
or are the stars your guide
Because if so I'd like to tell them
To not keep you for long
As the blades of grass I'm sitting on
are starting to suffocate
with the earth beneath
barely keeping themselves together

Are you searching
or are you lost
Because I'd like to know how much longer I have in waiting
or is it even worth all the petals I've strung away
And just in case time runs out
I want you to know that I was here
That I've always been listening
from the other side of the moon

Are you searching
or are you lost
Because perhaps one day
if you do find me
I'd like to tell you about that one time
I felt infinite
with only the night sky as company
and a choir of stars as a lullaby

Are you searching
or are you lost
Because I hope I haven't been the only one
crossing oceans of doubt
and climbing mountains of fear
with hopes of being a lightyear closer from where you are

Are you searching
or are you lost
Because I too, am searching
but I'm quite afraid
I might probably be
a little lost

I'm tired
Tired of breathing the same polluted air
Tired of seeing the same cut down forest
Tired of being cooped up in the same room everyday
Tired of, not life in general
But the one i am living right now
Tired of the same town the same city the same people

I need fresh air, not oxygen
I need books to love not books to read
I need dreams, not expectations
I need to be away
Even for just a little while

The thought
Of missing something more real outside there
Is a torture
I could see so many places
I could live so many lives

But instead
I'm living my life in circles
Obliged to be where i am
To do what i am supposed to
One step out of the circle and anything is possible
I could be free

But i guess that wouldn't happen
For I'm too much of a coward
A poor excuse

early morning light
creeping through blinds

illuminated dust
dancing alongside shadows

your eyes wake
to the whispers of the clouds
making way for the sun
to put on its crown

and your eyebrows crease
as if asking the world
of its forlornness, and why is it so
when all-encompassing beauty is in its grasp

your eyes close again
and you try to listen

but the world keeps quiet
and you sigh to yourself

because how selfish it is
to ask a question
you can’t even bring yourself to answer

Sometimes i feel like i've been gone for too long,

The orchids have died, the leaves have dried
With vines clawing through the walls of a space where i had once reside
The fields are bare, the sky a pale ivory
I approached the half opened door, with feet dragging slowly

I turned on the light as it showered the space with a dim lit
With every step, an eerie feeling started to creep
From the moss covered floor to the soles of my feet

Sometimes i feel like i've been gone for too long,

Further in, i heard voices starting to whisper
Ringing my ears with words like
You don't belong now, you're just a stranger

With hands pressed to my ears i tried to drown them down
Eyes darted to find where from, came the sound

But then the lights flickered and i saw from across the room
Faint shadows laughing and dancing, such a contrast from the surrounding gloom
Faces familiar, but there's something about their eyes
They shone a different pristine, much brighter than the diamonds of the skies

Sometimes i feel like i've been gone for too long,

I tried to walk closer, tried to pat on a shoulder
But my fingers slip through like a knife slicing water
Then again came the voices whispering a little louder

You've gone so far
You've gone so far they've forgotten who you are

My body turned numb, with only the shivers of a throbbing heart
Tears began to well as i stumbled in the dark

Look at them
The voices continued to spew

Look at them so happy
So happy without you