you’ll never know the loud girl behind the smile
the big laugh
frizzy hair
the constant smile
tummy
annoyed grimace
thighs

you won’t know the young woman with a strong opinion
the condescending looks
acne
hand motions
feet
shouting
toes

you won’t know the girl who yells at you during a debate
you won’t know the girl who stares at you like you’re dumber than ****
you won’t know the girl who leans in closely to hear gossip
you won’t know the girl who walks around like she’s better than you, this place, like she should be doing something more important at that moment.

you wont know her because she cries herself to sleep
hangs her head in shame at home,
shoves her headphones on
turns up the volume
closes the door
and hides away from the world.

you won’t know the girl who uses all her emotions at school
and tries to hide from them at home
you won’t know her
you won’t ever know her unless
she invites you into
her bittersweet thought process

you won’t know when she’s shouting at you from across a table
that she dances around in her underwear in an attempt to feel good
then sits against the wall and sobs for her pretty perfect little life.

you won’t know her

How does she hide her shame?
How does a girl hide her wet eyes and hot cheeks
from her disapproving mother and father
How does stop her shaking lips
shaky breaths
crumpling face
pacing feet
from surfacing at the worst moment.
How does she refine her ways
to become the best daughter she can be,
the girl she once was.
The honor roll,
never grounded,
follow the rules,
love herself,
love life,
social girl
she once was.

The question could be,
why
when she closes the door quietly,
does she not let them fall
hot and salty
satisfying and disappointing
down her cheeks without hesitation?
Why doesn’t she let her lip shake
as she curls into a ball to try to drain
the shame from her body
in the form of her tears.

Because she does not want to be
caught
red handed
pink cheeked
red eyed,
Because they will ask the question,
Why are you crying?
They will ask it in the exasperated tone,
like it’s the most ridiculous thing
they’ve ever seen
ever heard.
They will look down at her like a
ridiculous
dramatic
theatrical
child.
They will tell her to stop crying,
because it will not help.
They will shame her for crying.

But don’t they know
they’re just making it
harder
for her to rid herself of the shame
they just
dumped on her.

Because she’s only just a girl.